I Can't Stop Thinking Of Suicide

[OnceMore]

I can't stop thinking about just dying man. It seems like the only rational and easy solution to end my pain and suffering. 

I've been thinking of it for so long now of various intensities over the years, but the last few weeks have been real intense for me. The thought of it, if I'm being honest, makes me a little happy. 

The benefit of me dying now is that I would no longer feel any more pain. I would no longer suffer. I'd no longer have to put up with the hopelessness that I've caused. 

It wasn't always like this; when my life was going well, I never had thoughts of committing suicide ever. Once I realised that, actually, I've made some huge errors and because of these huge errors my life will never be the same, and that I'll never reach my potential because of these errors I did, and that literally everybody I know is zooming past me and doing well with their lives and making huge progress while I'm here getting lower and lower on the spectrum, this realisation is when I've started to have these suicidal thoughts. And the more lower I get, the more intense the suicidal thoughts and the more sense it makes that death is the answer. 

It's also compounded by hopelessness of the future. The future seems bleak due to a series of mistakes I've made. If I didn't make those mistakes, my future would be different and, in my opinion, much better for me. But because I made those errors, I've put myself in a situation that is hard to climb out of. Because of those errors, I know that I am working at a level that is much lower than my actual capacity.

Add to this the fact that I'm an adult now and getting older. I feel old too. By my current age I thought I would have certain things that are important to me: I thought I would have a career in the big city, which I don't and am nowhere near of getting. In fact, I am unemployed with no college degree and am in debt. 

I also don't care how my death would affect others; they'll get over it in a few weeks probably. All I'm doing is leaching off my parents and causing them suffering because they have to go around knowing their son is a failure. Perhaps it makes sense to say that me dying would be a sort of breath of fresh air for them, in the long term? Even my younger brother doesn't look at me in the same way; he used to respect me but now I know for sure he just resents me now for failing so much and so often with nothing tangible to show.

Many departments of my life are not the way I'd like them to be: my career (or lack of career), no intimate relationship (never had one anyway), various persisting medical problems that I know are going to cause me further struggle, money issues, no purpose, no real close friends

I am in pain and suffering much, much more than I am ever in enjoyment and pleasure. 

My life is not fun. It doesn't seem like it'll ever be fun. Therefore, suicide makes complete sense, right? 

 

Edited January 18, 2018 by OnceMore

[Faceless]

Your worried about the image you have of yourself and what u “think” others are having about you. Although you think thoseninages are correct they are not.

if your really serious about either ending it or you are serious about finding out what the problem is I would consider learning the very mechanism that gives continuity to psychological suffering which is thought. 

One day I had an insight that thought may be the reason for conflict once before. So I investigated. I’ll give I a key to look up called psyological time or psychological thought. 

 

[Nathan]

@OnceMore  

14 hours ago, OnceMore said:

My life is not fun. It doesn't seem like it'll ever be fun. 

 

 

That's an assumption. You don't know how your life will unfold, you were content at one point and then your life situation/perspective etc changed dramatically and now you are not. When your perception of your life experience is negative for a long time it can be difficult to conceptualize any kind of turn around. But life can shift unexpectedly in in a positive way too, you'd be suprised. 

 

14 hours ago, OnceMore said:

I also don't care how my death would affect others; they'll get over it in a few weeks probably.

You sure? 

 

The fear of letting down people you love can be crippling. Sorry things are difficult for you at the moment. Relationships with people in your family are very comfortable bonds, and people aren't as hesitant to speak their mind. It's hardly uncommon for parents to place various expectations on their children, because they want them to be happy. When these expectations aren't met they feel guilty and that can be expressed in a multitude of ways anger/disappointment even greif. 

I think you should explore why you care so much what others think..

For me, life became more rewarding when I started focusing less on what others wanted of me and more on what I wanted to do for them. Hope you feel better soon,  know that carrying the weight you bear at the moment isn't a futile endeavour.

[Guest Annetta]

??

[Leo-Tzu]

Suffering is inevitable lol, what do you think happens after you die. . . You cant escape suffering by causing more suffering. . .. just work on thing you could work on and accept everything you cant work on. . . It sounds simple but it actually needs emotional labour and consciousness . . . Start with a meditation habit. . . . Death is sure to come maybe tomorrow maybe in 40 years . .. . Kill your ego and live those 40 years as a bonus 

[Monkey-man]

21 hours ago, OnceMore said:

I can't stop thinking about just dying man. It seems like the only rational and easy solution to end my pain and suffering. 

I've been thinking of it for so long now of various intensities over the years, but the last few weeks have been real intense for me. The thought of it, if I'm being honest, makes me a little happy. 

The benefit of me dying now is that I would no longer feel any more pain. I would no longer suffer. I'd no longer have to put up with the hopelessness that I've caused. 

It wasn't always like this; when my life was going well, I never had thoughts of committing suicide ever. Once I realised that, actually, I've made some huge errors and because of these huge errors my life will never be the same, and that I'll never reach my potential because of these errors I did, and that literally everybody I know is zooming past me and doing well with their lives and making huge progress while I'm here getting lower and lower on the spectrum, this realisation is when I've started to have these suicidal thoughts. And the more lower I get, the more intense the suicidal thoughts and the more sense it makes that death is the answer. 

It's also compounded by hopelessness of the future. The future seems bleak due to a series of mistakes I've made. If I didn't make those mistakes, my future would be different and, in my opinion, much better for me. But because I made those errors, I've put myself in a situation that is hard to climb out of. Because of those errors, I know that I am working at a level that is much lower than my actual capacity.

Add to this the fact that I'm an adult now and getting older. I feel old too. By my current age I thought I would have certain things that are important to me: I thought I would have a career in the big city, which I don't and am nowhere near of getting. In fact, I am unemployed with no college degree and am in debt. 

I also don't care how my death would affect others; they'll get over it in a few weeks probably. All I'm doing is leaching off my parents and causing them suffering because they have to go around knowing their son is a failure. Perhaps it makes sense to say that me dying would be a sort of breath of fresh air for them, in the long term? Even my younger brother doesn't look at me in the same way; he used to respect me but now I know for sure he just resents me now for failing so much and so often with nothing tangible to show.

Many departments of my life are not the way I'd like them to be: my career (or lack of career), no intimate relationship (never had one anyway), various persisting medical problems that I know are going to cause me further struggle, money issues, no purpose, no real close friends

I am in pain and suffering much, much more than I am ever in enjoyment and pleasure. 

My life is not fun. It doesn't seem like it'll ever be fun. Therefore, suicide makes complete sense, right? 

 

Dude these are so relatable to myself, I had same situation over 2017, and still having it although its less intense now because I see hope in spirituality.

I'm idealist, so whenever I have some picture of reality in my mind I assume my life should be similar to this picture. Whenever my life loses its romantic hope I just want to end everything, I became depressed and suicidal. Last year my life lost its romantic flavour like never before, so I broke badly, was few centimetres away from ending it all.

So your situation is relatable to me, especially about parents, and about getting old, and about not having matching spouse, and about making mistakes of the past that I only recognized now. Especially these past mistakes that affect my hopelessness now bother me a lot. I also think that if I only was more conscious before and think about my future 10 years ago or at least 1 year ago, I would be in different situation now and that because of these mistakes I cannot have same passionate and romantic flavour in life anymore and cannot have my desirable career anymore because I got older although I'm 23. So these are true for me too, and probably the biggest concern for me as well. Well for my self-image. By now, I'm trying to get rid of identification with self-image through spiritual work. I'm trying to die existentially instead of physically. Thats what everyone here is trying to do. I'm afraid that physical suicide will only add suffering to you in after-life if we assume that it exists (since reality is a causal stream). Suicide is desirable because we are lacking wholeness, complete order, our true state of being.

How old are you? What type of career do you want to have? And what mistakes of past bother you most of all? 

Edited January 19, 2018 by Monkey-man

[Melwyn]

Dear @OnceMore,

Everything is a question of perspective. Try to put your life story aside for one minute. You are a beautiful being with the potential for

infinite Love. In fact you are love. Your Suffering is a gift. The only thing suffering wants from you is that you embrace it like a little child.

Be brave. Take your first step in the unknown.

[harisankartj]

@OnceMore  unconscious tendency of victimhood around seemingly created 'others' and ' this is real ' when in fact there is only You and this is a dream. 

The stories are stories.

The lens of belief confirmation will filter reality to affirm an egoic position of 'i want to die' which is based on victimhood . Resistance for mind to calm down is the mind asserting duality . to of course .....is based on some agenda

 

Key is to let it be.

[Ibn Sina]

First answer these questions-

Do you have a place to live?

Do you have food to eat and water to drink?

Do you have sufficient money to survive ?

If yes, then seriously there is no need for trouble, and apparently you even have an internet connection , and opportunities for entertainment. You probably are from a first world country like US or UK.

Remember , there is no need for big success or a big bank account. It's a lie told by the society and relatives. Probably you feel bad because you haven't realized your dream yet and you are getting old to ever do so, and that IS FINE. That IS how things should be. As long as you have good health, food ,  shelter, any other suffering basically comes from the mind.  

You might  have another very specific problem which is bad habits. Once a man is fixed in bad habits, he does things which he doesn't want to do even on a regular basis and has feels no power to not do so, and this creates great suffering. You should institute good habits and then your life will change immediately. Besides work, these habits also include- not thinking negatively, avoiding negative people. Use habit apps in your mobile phone. Check those apps on a daily basis. At the end of the day when you see those tick marks, or across days when you see those rows of ticks, you start to feel great! All is habit. Habit is what makes you or breaks you, it is the most important concept of life. People who suffer have habits that make them suffer. Slowly your life will change.

Another thing- focus away from negativity, read good books instead, think and write good thoughts. Just take yourself away from negativity, because as Tony Robbins puts it, whatever you focus on grows.

 

 

[Charlie_B]

On 1/19/2018 at 1:31 AM, OnceMore said:

I also don't care how my death would affect others; they'll get over it in a few weeks probably. All I'm doing is leaching off my parents and causing them suffering because they have to go around knowing their son is a failure. Perhaps it makes sense to say that me dying would be a sort of breath of fresh air for them, in the long term? Even my younger brother doesn't look at me in the same way; he used to respect me but now I know for sure he just resents me now for failing so much and so often with nothing tangible to show.

I lost two of my family members and I know what it's like loosing someone forever. Believe me when I say your absence will haunt every member of your family for the rest of their lives. They always wonder why they didn't get a chance to help you in any way possible that might have changed your decision. When I think about my father who died at an age of 42, my memories always wraps into his responsible arms. Never did I resent his death even though we lost him too early. His thoughts still motivates me to keep up my spirits as that's what he always reflected through his life. I no longer feel sad about him as I know that his life was worth something. On the other hand, I still mourn for my brother who killed himself at an age of 22. Not a single day goes by without him crossing my mind. Nothing in this world could bring a tiny moment of joy to my mother which she can trade her sorrow for her son. I don't remember his mistakes, I don't care his failures. My life experiences made me understand his death but part of me also died with him.

I don't know your situation, but if your life is not worth living for yourself, I suggest you try to live for others. No matter how lost we are, we will find a way which can lead to our destiny. try and try ...my brother ... live to love your life ...until death itself comes for you. That's what I would have told my brother if only he would have asked me ....just for once.

Give yourself one year, and try to do things which you want to leave to your family/ loved ones to be proud of when you die after an year. Give them something to cherish in your absence. Then decide if you want to live or not. That would be fair if not reasonable.

Edited February 2, 2018 by Charlie_B