Lost

[ElenaO]

I am so exhausted.

I started following a more conscious way of doing things and writing down what I do. More importantly planning for the day what I'll get done. I am behind my plan for most of the days. And I feel stressed and frustrated for the most of the day because I know there's still so much to get done. But I think that would make me achieve so much more. 

Often when we go with the flow, we achieve so much less than we could have. I just feel that I get lots of frustrating feelings that I'll need to process somehow, because most of the time I feel like not doing anything of it. 

[ElenaO]

Feeling very emotional today: a lot of anger, frustration, hatred. I think it started after my breathwork session. I cried and now it continues. I feel like my life is just miserable. It does not look from the side, but on the other hand I feel like I am fighting for something all the time, constantly grinding, and just not being where I want. 
We booked a trip with my bf, going to Denver and I was checking prices for the car rental, and it's freaking annoyingly high. It's frustrating.

It feels like what I am doing and that somehow my life isn't where I want it to be. I feel miserable... 

 

[ElenaO]

Had a few realizations today. Not sure how true they are, but yet:
- I really want people to love me and accept me. I had a dream today where I am dating this good looking guy and he is really fond of me. I feel so good about it in the dream. 
- I could switch off my phone for the day and check it only at the end of the day

- Being in the moment whenever I remember, instead of my head makes the experience of life better

 

[ElenaO]

Oh wow. Had a good day today, after a long period of so much resistance and frustration. 
Did my breathwork in the morning and felt terrible, so much sadness, frustration, feeling pity for myself, feelings of being stuck. Sobbed. 
Went to read to a park here in Seattle which was so relaxing. I love my new kindle, it's just so convenient. 
Went to get groceries later and had a long walk back home. Ate and just watched a video on making educational videos. Really good one. I am thinking of starting with video tutorials for programming. I did that many years ago but never really had time to do it consistently. 
Went back to read to the park in the evening. It was such a lovely and long day. Would love to have this more often. 
One thing that made me realize why I had this time: i post in my blog on the weekdays now, and my boyfriend was gone to see his family. Such a blessing to have time for myself.  

[ElenaO]

I am back from a 17 day vacation and I have no motivation to do anything. I hate it all: the city, the apartment, the work. I just want to do nothing. I want to be, not do. Honestly, my day is filled with so much doing of unimportant, of just sustaining your life. So much resistance again. I thought having a vacation would help me reenergize and want to do even more. Apparently not. 

I really want to go to another place and take a break from Seattle, from the apartment. I may.

[ElenaO]

Oooh, it's been so long since I posted here. 

A lot of things happened since then. I moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. But the biggest change and surprise of this year so far is that I am pregnant. I had no idea this could happen so easily, I thought it would be a long journey. What did I know.

However, all is not easy. Now that I am 8 weeks in, I feel horrible. In fact, I felt horrible starting week 5. I am constantly nauseous, often tired to exhaustion, and even depressed. Who would have known. That was the least of my expectations. I thought it's hard to have a baby, but not while the baby is in you. It proves to be a hard process for which I wasn't prepared. Not sure I can be prepared. 

Sometimes it feels so bad, that I just want to die. And just a month before I was so motivated and excited about everything. This makes me realize that I am far from being able to embody all the practices I learned during my meditation. I can some, but often I am just depressed and don't want anything. 
What surprises me most is that no one talks about this hard path some women have to take. 

The problem is there is no way to tame this nausea. You just have to suffer. So much for the "most wonderful time of your life", that I hear from so many people when they talk about pregnancy. I call it BS. 

[Raphael]

Welcome back! I'm happy to see you here again