Lost

[Raptorsin7]

@ElenaO  Wow thanks so much. Great insights.

I am also not a cryer in everyday life, but I really want to start crying because I think the emotional release is important. I will try that link and report back.

[Raphael]

 

 

 

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39 minutes ago, ElenaO said:

The very first time I did breathwork was in person and it was a holotropic breathwork event. It went on for 3 hours. I started crying maybe after 20-30 minutes. 
To be honest if you do it even for 30 minutes it's probable you'll get a release.

I never had such an experience and I already did 30 - 40 minutes sessions in the past. I think I probably did it wrong, so I will try the free session.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Raphael

[ElenaO]

@Raptorsin7 Hope you try it out! Let me know how it went  

[ElenaO]

@Raphael I'd say surrender is the biggest piece there. Do you think you are letting go?

I have to say I am not perfect at the breathwork either. 
I often have very strong resistance against breathing. But I sort of manage to deal with it to some extent. 

[ElenaO]

Tomorrow I will try to focus my attention on 3 tasks that are important and get them done as soon as I can. I often feel overwhelmed and getting these 3 things will help me not worry about everything I didn't do. 

1. meditation (1 hour)

2. edit my post and make it ready for publishing

3. finish one online lesson on threads I've started earlier

[Raphael]

 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, ElenaO said:

@Raphael I'd say surrender is the biggest piece there. Do you think you are letting go?

I don't think so. I also have trouble staying awake, I often fall into sleep.

[ElenaO]

22 hours ago, Raphael said:

I don't think so. I also have trouble staying awake, I often fall into sleep.

OK, maybe you shouldn't lay down then. You can also ask questions the person who leads these workshops. They are helpful.

The key is being relaxed and let whatever happens happen.

[ElenaO]

I did finish two of my tasks today, but did not meditate for 1 hour. 
I have this constant neurotic feeling that I still need to do something. I think it's because I am not doing the things excellently. I also overate today. So I feel this shame come up and bring me down.
The solution to it is to just do it. I'll have pain if I do it, and I'll have pain if I don't. Only the pain is short-term when actually doing the thing, but more intense. And the pain period is longer but subtle, otherwise.

 

 

[ElenaO]

Didn't do much today besides taking a workshop from Unified Mindfulness. It's Shinzen's company. 

The teacher was sweet and it was about body positivity. The main take away is tuning into the feelings rather than judging how you look. It's about practicing feel rest and feel. I half-assed part of the workshop because I am so sick of everything. I need to process a lot of stuff, probably... 

 

[ElenaO]

I slept well last night despite going to bed late and despite waking up at 7 am to delivery from Amazon Fresh. To be fair, I went to bed after that and slept until 9am. It's hard for me to sleep well lately.

I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow about anxiety and resistance. Let's see if it helps... 

I kept my phone away today for most of the day and it was great. Less anxiety and more satisfaction. On the other hand, I am not sure if that's the only factor. But I think it definitely works to restrict access to it. 

Talked to a guy over a video chat today. I thought it went well, would like to see him in person, but will have to wait until it's safe. 

My life can be characterized with one word right now: resistance. Lots of it. 

[ElenaO]

Had a 1 hour meditation session in the morning and a short one in the evening. 
My findings: more grounded thanks to that; take a break and just sit down without anything, you don't even need to meditate, just relax and let your thoughts flow through you.

Cried a lot today during my breathwork session, my eyes are all puffy and red. I understood one thing: I should keep my hands above me, they should lay relaxed, instead of on my belly or chest. I used to protect myself and stop myself from feeling what's coming up by keeping the hands there.

My therapy session went pretty well. Acknowledged to my therapist that she's late. Seriously, this is infuriating. It's not the first time. Let's see if she follows through. what she's saying is that I may be not opening up enough to people, not trusting them. She suggested an approach where I'd open up to my manager at work about stress and anxiety, but in a safer way.

[ElenaO]

I went on a social distancing date yesterday. He's very attractive. To be honest, I am too afraid to be hurt by him, I can feel it. So I may say things that are a little inappropriate at times. The insecurity comes out. 

It's interesting how is he interested in me and what makes him interested. I'll have to practice more vulnerability. He's been very proactive in general, which is amazing. The corona thing also makes it frustrating, because you cannot even touch. 

Will need to think of a strategy to do nice things too, so it's not just him who's doing everything. I know that if it'd be just me, we wouldn't even talk too much because I just feel like talking shows my interest in him. 
Online dating is both very painful at times and it has its bursts of high pleasure... So insidious. 
Anyways. Will have my breathwork session today. And will work on my article I want to publish on the blog. I feel the infatuation hormones are starting to fill me. Gotta get myself down to earth. 

[ElenaO]

It's so emotionally intense to talk/date to people. I have barely met this guy, we've exchanged quite a few messages over the last week and I feel attachment already. Because I like him. So there's an insane amount of emotions intertwined. First, I am afraid to be heartbroken. Second, I feel like I will screw up because when I like someone and I feel they may have some superiority, my pride comes out and starts putting the other in place. I realized today that I'd better be silent and not argue about things too much if  I want that person to continue talking to me. Sometimes that's a smarter decision to humble yourself. At least in the beginning. 

I am going to attempt at attending Immersion tomorrow. Will try to do a few workshops, even though I still need to work.

My binge eating is still a little out of control. Not that I binge on unhealthy stuff.  But I have a strong feeling of hunger, so I need to eat quite some to feel satisfied. Hope it goes away with time, once my body realizes I am fine and there's no famine. 

I cry so much in my breathwork sessions. I literally almost don't stop for the whole hour. I feel it has to do with some childhood stuff as well as all this emotional situation related to online dating.  

[ElenaO]

I keep waking up very early. Yesterday at 4am, today 5am. Wonder if it has to do being overwhelmed emotionally. 

I think the best solution to infatuation is diving into work and challenging yourself. Then you forget about it at least for a little.

 

[ElenaO]

I forced myself to workout yesterday... and it worked! I have actually survived. I also did a few short workouts today too. The reason I wasn't doing it is because my body is just super tired and feel like beaten down all the time... This is so annoying. I am only 34 and have a healthy lifestyle.

I have strong feelings for this guy I don't know how. This is insane. But apparently some hormones and some connections in my brain have been maid and now I feel like I really want him. Garbage. 

I am thinking of getting a dating couch too, so I know if I am doing things well enough. I don't know if I should be initiating discussions and or just wait for them to start it everytime. Maybe I should also get a book on that. 
 

[ElenaO]

Still working out. The scale doesn't show the difference, but I do feel it. 
Man, that guy broke my heart. Not even kidding. I don't know how is that possible. 
But I guess I'll just have to reconcile with the fact that for some reason he's not that interested anymore. Wish I'd know why. 
Had a demo at work today. Went pretty smoothly, was happy about it.
And slept terrible at night. I am still waking up. Woke up at 3 am and didn't fall asleep until like 6am probably.

Love the Immersion. I wish we'd have had it always. Like you wake up and then there you have that meditation session at any time you want. 
There's probably something similar to this though.
I will need to finish a post for my blog tomorrow. Perhaps a short one. And then work on a longer one. Need to learn a few things about asyncio - how to wait on tasks and how to cancel them properly, what to do with the queue if the worker is raising an exception.   

[Raptorsin7]

1 hour ago, ElenaO said:

Man, that guy broke my heart. Not even kidding. I don't know how is that possible. 

I'm also trying to meet someone using dating apps and had a similar thing happen. I was talking to this girl for a few days and the conversation was great. She told me she was doing psychedelics one day, and haven't heard from her since haha.

I felt emotions for her before we even met and idk if it's a good thing or a bad thing tbh.

Good luck, I hope you find someone. 

[ElenaO]

22 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I'm also trying to meet someone using dating apps and had a similar thing happen. I was talking to this girl for a few days and the conversation was great. She told me she was doing psychedelics one day, and haven't heard from her since haha.

I felt emotions for her before we even met and idk if it's a good thing or a bad thing tbh.

Good luck, I hope you find someone. 

Why don't you ask her again? Or she just disappeared and never replied?
Oh. I guess you resonated with her on some level. I don't think I had any feelings until I talked to him online. Sometimes you just know immediately if you like someone. 
Thanks. Even if I do, I feel it's hopeless right now. Because of the corona.

[Raptorsin7]

@ElenaO  Yeah I guess I could message her again. Honestly, I assumed when she stopped responding I thought she was over the conversation. 

I'm very picky with girls so I think when I find someone I tend to get attached. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, so it could be for the best and i'll find someone else when I improve as a person.

[ElenaO]

22 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@ElenaO  Yeah I guess I could message her again. Honestly, I assumed when she stopped responding I thought she was over the conversation. 

I'm very picky with girls so I think when I find someone I tend to get attached. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, so it could be for the best and i'll find someone else when I improve as a person.

I am sure you know what's best . It depends on a lot of factors here which I may not know of. Like what was the conversation and maybe there wasn't an explicit question that she had to reply to in the end, so that's why she hasn't. 
I am also picky with guys, so I have the same issue you have. If I find one that looks like someone I want, I tend to make a decision: this is who I want! And then it's hard.