Lost

[ElenaO]

Shoot. I may have said wrong things to this guy again. I guess when these dates are too long I just lose track of what I am saying... 
Damn it. 
Anyways, I guess he may flip out and just say that this isn't right for him. And I'd understand I guess. It's just too much to take. It would be easy if things were perfect. But things aren't perfect. He's on antidepressants apparently. And I may have commented on this, I must have been quiet. Oh God. I just feel guilt now. I guess I have to forgive myself for that... 
Will see... I should just be more mindful next time he brings anything of this sort... 
It's also strange that he isn't very aggresive when we do kissing. Which is sort of strange. But I guess it's because of lack of previous relationships. 
I still think he's hot though. I am not sure why. I am just attracted.  
 

[ElenaO]

What went well today:
1. could get myself to work despite all the tiredness
2. enjoyed most of the evening at home alone (washed my hair, read a book, exercised a little, listened to eckart tolle on relationships and thinking)
3. realized how much I am stuck in my head and have constant thoughts about the person I am seeing
4. realized I want to get out of this limerence phase, because it's so emotionally and physically draining, I wish there was no limerence

What could be better:
1. def better sleep routine. Going to bed at 10, sleep at 10:30
2. figure out things that help me with digestion
3. reintroduce meditation practice of at least 1 hour 

[ElenaO]

I'll have another 30 minutes of coaching tomorrow. There's not many challenges going on right now, except I do feel exhausted for the lack of sleep. The emotions are literally flooding my body and my brain cannot just relax. Life is unstable right now. Really looking forward to become more grounded and connected. 

Things that went well:
1. took an initiative at work and replied to a thread where my manager was
2. spend good time with the guy I am seeing

Things that could be better:
1. Avoid eating late. I do usually follow this rule, but dating definitely interferes here. Cannot wait when this becomes more stable.
2. Grounding. More meditation. More yoga. 
 

[ElenaO]

I feel like I deviate from my previous plan of essentials. All this dating isn't making me really deeply happy. I mean it's nice seeing this person and all. It gives you a feeling like you will take care of this whole relationship business and move on with other stuff. And that's exactly what I want: find the person, build something with them and then continue my "boring" life of doing things that are more important. Can these 2 things coexist: relationship and important things? Especially if I want kids. Will I be able to write in my blog then? Probably... Hopefully...
I am also talking to a few other guys and I am starting to feel uneasy about it. I am sort of lying to them. They aren't probably aware that I date someone else at the same time.
But then again how would I break the news to them? It's hard! 
I also feel so exhausted because there's so many things to get done. I need to get back to my essentials and just focus on them. Everything else's secondary...
 

[Gili Trawangan]

Geez, I feel sorry for the guy you're dating. I know this is your journal, so feel free to ignore this post, but I cringe reading your whole approach... I hope you soon find out that lying and deceiving gets you nowhere...

[ElenaO]

@Gili Trawangan Maybe you should stop judging and look a little bit more around you. 
Life isn't as simple as you make it up. 

[ElenaO]

My mind is filled up with thoughts about what's right and what's wrong. 
Today I woke up and understood that my life would be just much easier if I'd dropped talking to either of the guys I am talking to. They have their issues (maybe they aren't responsible for them though). What I am worried is that I'm going somewhere where I shouldn't. 
Why did I even decide I want a relationship? Was that a genuine desire? Probably... Only I may be imagined it in rosy colors. Now I have to deal with all the confusion instead of what's good and what's not. My mind wants a resolution here right now. It's confused.

[Amit]

4 minutes ago, ElenaO said:

Why did I even decide I want a relationship? Was a genuine desire?

You can't transcend the human needs just like that. Being a feminine, you're naturally empathetic, and maybe you want to make them feel loved. Wanting a relationship is about need for intimacy and love, remember Maslow's hierarchy. Going through some of the same questions in my own life, you can try to go through the initial emotional suffering it takes, I know it's way more difficult but that's what it takes. 

[ElenaO]

Thanks @Amit I agree. There are two sides to this, on one hand it's a need you need to satisfy. On the other hand, it distracts me from things I'd want to work on instead. Often I feel like I want to get this over with, get married, get kids and focus on other stuff. And that is not say that I haven't had relationships and fun in the past, I've had PLENTY. That's why I am sick of it by now. I just feel like all these obsessive thoughts and feelings are such a waste. Instead of working on my career, growing myself, I keep thinking about guys. Ironically, without me wanting to think about them!

[Amit]

@ElenaO I'm going through somewhat similar phase. But one thing which helped me was to expressing myself spontaneously whatever the thoughts coming up. So I start writing in my notbook, record audio or shoot myself instantly, whenever I am overthinking. It gives clarity into big picture, and perception seems to change almost instantly. You don't have to post it anywhere, but a very good way to understand one's own subconscious. 

[ElenaO]

@Amit Good point. I am trying to write down sometimes what bothers me. But maybe not enough. 
I feel like this is somewhat different though. Because it's some chemistry in my brain that I cannot control. I just keep getting these obsessive thoughts about a person. And it's strong. Meditating right now is hard, because my brain just gets overridden by these obsessive thoughts. 

[ElenaO]

I just want to be out of this whole fall-in-love phase. I wish I could switch it off. I believe the feelings are mutual, so it's not about feeling bad for being rejected. It's more about freedom and being able to do other things besides thinking about someone. 
I could of course set more boundaries. But then again, I think this was partly the reason my previous relationship did not work so great.

[ElenaO]

I read a little about this whole situation with dating. Apparently, it's the mix of dopamine, oxytocin and cortisol that makes you very alert and awake. I don't truly have limerence, it's just a physical effect of dating someone you like. I don't think obsessively about the person on other days other than when I meet him. 
What went well today:

- pushed through some difficult moments at work

- got a ton done - so awesome to not be physically tired. Slept well for once

What could be better:

- more meditation

- answering on my blog, commenting only at certain times of the day, not constantly

- trying to get most of the work done in the first half, so the that the second is left for the rest of chores and free time

I have my therapy session tomorrow. Want to discuss that I cannot sleep. Also discuss that people at work annoy me by talking/being assertive. 
I am still not comfortable telling people that their dogs must be kept on leash and away from me.

[ElenaO]

We agreed with C that we are going to commit to an exclusive relationship. We are both ready. Felt great. Let's see how it goes from now on. 
I do really like him. All I worry is how could it go wrong?

Things that went well:

1. woke up earlier than usual

2. got more done at work and in general during the day
3. had an ok session with my therapist which cleared up a few things: talked about C, and that I should trust how I feel around him
also we talked that I need to find a female role model that is assertive and does things the way I can imitate. 

[ElenaO]

I could not sleep well last night as usual. Too many emotions stirred up, too many hormones. I wish there was a simple solution to this. 

I felt tired and quite lazy today. Went for a walk and had wonderful time surprisingly. When you don't walk alone too often it becomes this precious time when you are present. Because it's rare you value and enjoy it. I used to walk every single day and that was good, but I am not sure I enjoyed it equally. 

On my walk I realized a few things:

1. I am an achiever addict, I need that dopamine to feel good. If I don't get shit done during the day I feel crappy about myself.

2. My mind constructs all kind of shit to make me feel good. Like yesterday I was watching this whole relationship thing through some rosy eyes. Today it hit me that there are a few things that may go wrong and I don't know how I was so high and naive. Will see how it ends up in the end. 

[ElenaO]

Saw my beau today. We went to the beach, which was crowded. I really like him and I hope this works out. I just wish there was a list of things you could have beforehand to be prepared of how to deal with. 
Or maybe I'm just too anxious of this to work, because I am sick of wasting my time with changing boyfriends. 
Feels good now. Really hope it stays. I'll see what I can do. 

[ElenaO]

Today was a struggle. I have to shorten the date times, because the overwhelming emotions stop me from sleeping. 
I did manage to write a post on my blog though and even meditate for 1.5 hours. Did a few videos on Flask too and even had some energy to assemble the drawers that I got a few days ago. But honestly, it's surviving rather than thriving. On the other hand makes me look at things in a more sober manner.

[ElenaO]

I had a day off today and we went to the beach with C. It was cool, even though I feel a conflict in me. I feel I need to get done a lot of shit ( even though I don't really want, because a lot of it is boring), but here I am at the beach, just chilling. 
I feel that if I'd be more assertive about it, it would hurt his feelings. I think with time that's definitely something I'll want. Have a lot of my own time and get shit done. He knows about this partly. 
I'm going to meet him on Saturday next, maybe I should tell him that we get to spend until 9pm and then we go ways. 
 

[ElenaO]

I will start doing virtual Vipassana in July every Saturday, except this Saturday. I am going to spend the weekend with my bf. First time together sleeping under the same roof.

Vipassana retreats even at home are tough! So much anger and unhappiness comes up. It's so tough. But it develops the patience muscle and makes you more bad ass. Suddenly things that you did not feel like doing become easy. So it's like a gym against your laziness. 
 

I attended the webinar on breathwork and what we can do to go deeper. I liked the visualizations offered by the teacher: imagining that each breath moves your further into the ocean, when you are lying on a surfboard. 

[ElenaO]

Had a pretty strong release yesterday during my breathwork session. I felt like everything I am doing makes no sense and I am selling myself short - what I should be doing instead is travelling and developing myself. Right now I am mostly stuck in my routine at work, trying to keep everyone happy - my family, my work, my bf. I know it's my choice, I don't feel I am a victim. But it's also feels like I am not living my life fully. It may be I must do harder things than that. I also felt loneliness, which I rarely feel. I felt like it is just me alone fighting with all that. Which is true, of course. But I just felt a little sad for myself.