Lost

[ElenaO]

I am confused about what to do with my life. There are multiple options and I am not sure which one is right. 
It also doesn't help that I do not get proper sleep every night. I tend to wake up at 4-5 am and not be able to fall asleep. I need some fire under the butt and more discipline perhaps.

I also started doubting if dating apps will do me any good. I'll need to think. They distract me and a lot of times develop some habits I do not like. 

[ElenaO]

This whole online dating thing is so emotionally draining. I guess it's partly because I am a highly sensitive person and I'd need to learn to protect myself from all those people who may want something else than me. 
I'll edit my profile tomorrow to tell them not to text me if they are unsure that they find me interesting enough. 
I just removed the guy I was talking about earlier. He seemed to have become a penpal instead of more. Elena needs no penpals, I have enough of those

I talked to a dating coach today. Gosh, it costs insane amount of money. One sesh is over $200. This is nuts! 
Well at least she told me that I should not initiate myself (which I already knew anyway) if the guy is not moving forward.

 

[Neuroknot]

On 18/5/2020 at 2:07 AM, ElenaO said:

I am confused about what to do with my life. There are multiple options and I am not sure which one is right. 
It also doesn't help that I do not get proper sleep every night. I tend to wake up at 4-5 am and not be able to fall asleep. I need some fire under the butt and more discipline perhaps.

I also started doubting if dating apps will do me any good. I'll need to think. They distract me and a lot of times develop some habits I do not like. 

Heyy.. Here is a great dating app if you dont want superficial conversations. I acutally found a lot of interesting people there 

https://www.consciousmatch.com/

[ElenaO]

Thanks! Have you dated anyone from it @Neuroknot ?


 

[ElenaO]

I was just going to rant about how brutal and disappointing my experience with dating is. 
In fact, it changes from day to day. Today was bad. I also think I am not closer to my goal. Well, in a way I am. At least I am learning what I should and should not settle for.

After some thought, the important parts I'd need in my partner:
- attractive
- financially secure

- gives me space to do my own thing when I need to. In return I'll do that too
- interesting in conversation
- healthy both physically and mentally (some level of consciousness, in good shape)

- some experience in dating and have had relationships before

- ready to commit for the right person

I've talked to two people today. And I realize that you can learn a lot about people while dating. They all seem fine on the surface, but when you dig a little deeper, they all have quirks. Like the guy I met today in person (Josh, on a social distance), he was not aware of things while talking and also seemed very unexperienced in dating in general. The person I talked to on zoom (Casey) was fine and nice in the beginning, but trying too hard.

 

[ElenaO]

@Neuroknot I've tried the app and it seems it matches me to people who are far away. I doubt it can work to date anyone on a long distance. Did you configure your settings somehow to match only with those in your city?

[Neuroknot]

16 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Thanks! Have you dated anyone from it @Neuroknot ?


 

I've met some really interesting people there, good friendships but not actual dates. That is because I'm from Argentina and the majority of people in the app are from the US.... So yeah it really depends on where you live, however you can actually configure the distance ratio. 

I honestly don't remember how to configure it because I deleted my profile. I felt like I was spending a lot of time there and I wasn't looking for anything in particular... 

Downloading the app made me realize that if I set the intention to look for a relationship I would limit myself, I would judge people by my desires and I probably would rush into a relationship just for the sake of being in company (probably would have a needy relationship). But that's because I've dated quite a bit. Nowadays I just let it unfold, and it’s working so far.

Ps: your birthday is the next day after mine. How cool!! 

[ElenaO]

@Neuroknot OK, nice! 
I am definitely not in a lookout for a needy relationship, but I also dont want to waste my time. Wanting a relationship does not equate to neediness. It's about being clear what you want. 
Happy late birthday!

[ElenaO]

So I am going to rant about the date I've had. I have mixed feelings. Which is definitely not a good sign.

On the one hand, I am disappointed that the person I've met is not what I expected. Yes, I know, I should not have expectations. But you try it!
I took a risk and went to see his apartment (this was the 4th date). It seemed promising, I definitely had attraction and I decided I'd risk, despite corona   
Anyways, it does not look like he's very experienced with relationships. Plus, he seems somewhat insecure at times, because he boasts often. Or so I see it. He also does pretty stupid things, in my opinion. He did not follow corona advices before, he did pretty silly decisions in terms of investments, he does not look he knows his job well enough... I guess I'll have a few more dates to be sure. 
He's otherwise pretty attractive, has a good job. But has had trauma because of abusive parents... I don't know. It does not look all shiny anymore. 

[Raptorsin7]

@ElenaO Good luck, i hope you find someone soon!

Remember that girl i told you about who didn't respond? She messaged me back like a week later, and we went on a date yesterday.

Everything went really well, but i had one neurotic thought about our height difference (i'm 6ft3 and she's about 5ft3) but other than that it was almost perfect. 

I'm pretty excited, i already have another date planned for Wednesday and i think there's a mutual spark!

 

[ElenaO]

Hey @Raptorsin7 ! I am glad to hear you are seeing the person you like! 
So cool!! You know what, the person I am seeing is also way taller than me. In fact we have the same height difference as you guys do. I am 5ft2 and he's 6ft2. 
I believe height doesn't matter in the end. At least not in my current case. There's other factors that have way more weight. 

[ElenaO]

I woke up thinking about this whole mess with dating. There's definitely a cognitive dissonance. What I'll be doing is saying things straight, but in a kind way. And let's see where it goes.
The things that make me feel uncertain is his lack of experience in relationships. And also his stupid decisions. I feel like if this is will ever go somewhere, I'd need to be the leader in the relationship most of the times. And that's something I'd have hoped to avoid. 
I guess seeing him a couple more times should clear the things up. 

[ElenaO]

Had a session with my therapist today. Learned that I need to be more assertive with some of my girlfriends. I am not sure how will I say it yet. one of them talks a lot and wouldn't let me say things.
Another one is that you need to talk through things if they bother you about a person. Like with online dating. You could mention it to the other what bothers you. 
Talking about dating. I am seeing this guy (it's been 5 dates so far) and he seems great (except for a few things I mentioned earlier). The chat went today towards the online dating. And he mentioned he does not talk to anyone on the apps. While I still do. And I felt uncomfortable. First, because I am actually not looking to have a lot of partners. But I also don't want to commit just yet. It's been only 5 dates. I don't know I am feeling so uncomfortable. Maybe because I am afraid to hurt him. Maybe because I don't want to give an image I don't want a relationship (that's the only thing I want!).   

[Lyubov]

are you using tinder. I rarely get matches on it and I feel like I have a decent profile. maybe it could be improved I suppose. I guess they want me to buy stuff from them. 

[ElenaO]

On 03/06/2020 at 0:44 AM, Lyubov said:

are you using tinder. I rarely get matches on it and I feel like I have a decent profile. maybe it could be improved I suppose. I guess they want me to buy stuff from them. 

Hey, yes, I do use tinder too. I mainly use tinder and hinge. Just started with bumble. 
Interestingly enough, some of the interesting guys I got were on tinder even though it's known as the hookup app.

[ElenaO]

OK, another shitty day where I feel like Life is a bitch. Or more precisely, dating is a huge bitch. 
My life is cool. It's the dating that isn't.
So the guy I am/was seeing texted me today that he wants to stop seeing me because we are on a different page. Doh. Apparently he did not like that I am still talking to people on the dating apps. And it's been only 5 dates in. Seriously... This guy has no idea. 
Anyway, in the end I told him that there's miscommunication there. And asked if he wanted to talk. 
We talked. I kind of feel bad now that I agreed. It shows that I felt bad that he did that. And I did feel bad, that's true.
But I feel like I made myself less attractive that way. 
I have a coaching session tomorrow at my work so I'll try to talk to my coach about it. Let's see what she says. 
I was just super angry at the way he behaved. He was apologetic when we talked. But I kind of opened my cards now that I care. And of course that may change at any time, but I feel like he will stop caring so much. 

[egoeimai]

@ElenaO girl you're authentic and true and honest!!!! That's so must important than being attractive. Think about it!!! You being vulnerable helps you a lot more to grow, being attractive doesn't ☺️

Edited June 5, 2020 by egoeimai

[ElenaO]

On 05/06/2020 at 0:17 AM, egoeimai said:

@ElenaO girl you're authentic and true and honest!!!! That's so must important than being attractive. Think about it!!! You being vulnerable helps you a lot more to grow, being attractive doesn't ☺️

Thanks girl <3 It's so true what you are saying. Being vulnerable is really something I should keep working on, honestly. I am far...
 

[ElenaO]

My coach told me I did well. And said that I should just give him a chance and move on. 
I saw the guy today and in the end it was a fun date. Not in the beginning though. 
I think I am growing to like him a little more and trust him a little more. 
There are still certain things that bother me. But may be they can be resolved. Will see. 
Meanwhile I am still talking to a couple of people that do look interesting. 
Honestly, online dating will wake you the fuck up, if you think everything's rosy and flowery. You realize how no one cares and finding the one is hard work. 
I had to say no to a guy today, which sucked too. He is smoking, so I don't think it would have been a good date.
I also got a message from a guy who expected me to drive somewhere in the middle of nowhere to meet him, like seriously? I've got plenty of people who are fine coming downtown where I live and are happy about it. It just annoyed me that he was so sure I'd do it.
Anyways. Overall a good day. Dating takes a toll on my sleeping health though. I wake up at nights. I cannot fall asleep. I feel tired. I hope this shit is over soon and I can focus on the next chapter of my life: committed relationship, possibly marriage, working on my relationship and leaving behind all the "going with the flow" concept.  

[ElenaO]

Still having issues with sleep. Cannot wait to get back into routine when I don't need to constantly check my phone and lose sleep because of some infatuation or whatever the fuck it is. My concentration has gone to shit too. 
Going to try to get it back on track by doing 1 h meditation in the morning.
Had a chat with a firefighter today. I talk to this guy maybe for a couple of weeks. I am surprised I get to talk to these hot people  I wonder if it could ever work. The guy I am seeing right now is also hot in my opinion. He has not so great sides to him too, but he is hot. Which I must say I really value, because most of my previous relationships weren't about hot people. I guess I am still somewhat in Orange. And that's OK. I definitely know which parts I'll need to work on to get past it. First and foremost get a guy I actually think is hot. Second, stop being so stingy and get myself good stuff instead of trying to save on everything. Especially, since I can <3