Lost

[ElenaO]

Forgot to mention: I had this insight a few days ago and it keeps reappearing in my consciousness, that I am too attached to my work. It's this delusional idea that things won't work if I don't fix something at work. Which is not true. Everyone's probably going be fine. So I create this unnecessary pressure on myself and it makes me resist fixing things in the first place. Got to remind myself of this now and then.

I want to be important (because that makes my ego feel great) but I was don't want to fight resistance. So yes, someone will have to suffer here. Hope that I am smart enough to fight the resistance. 

[ElenaO]

What went well:
+ found a great guided meditation that helped me with the release of tension in my body. I had very unpleasant sensations in my body for the last few days and I realized only today that's it's actually stressed and tension that's been piling up

+ was able to calm myself down during the day, was still reactive at times, but yeah... I do what I can do

What could go even better:

- design a good meal plan and get all the ingredients necessary so that it's clear and decided what to eat the next day

- wake up earlier, so that there's more time to read, contemplate, relax, do meditation   

[ElenaO]

What went well:
+ did some learning after work, Python classes. Did these videos a few months ago and it looked much easier this way around. Even though still had to think and practice a little. What I plan to do from now on is to do learning after work for 1-1.5 hours each other day, writing in the blog each other day. The weekend not included in the plan. On the weekends I want to do something else, like hiking, going out, attending seminars. 

+ edited the post for the blog

+ wasn't stressed today, which is a huge learning. Got to do yin yoga. It's so healing. Also guided meditations that relax the body.

What did not go so well:
- still struggling with planning my meals. Requires so much effort. But then if I don't I never know how much calories I actually ate and it makes me anxious. Will make a chicken/caesar salad tomorrow.

- missed my breathwork session because was too full and did not feel like doing it anyways. Will do it tomorrow morning.

[ElenaO]

My day is a mix of resistance, anxiety, stress and maybe a few more positive emotions. That's how it's been for my entire life, I think. With slightly better periods. 

What went well:
- did my breathwork session in the morning and tried to feel whatever came up. I cannot get to the point I want to get but I have a theory that's because there's too much tension in my body so I have to process it slowly

- Resisted the urges to eat in the evening. I am not hungry, it's more of a habit. The solution is to plan what to eat beforehand and stick to it

What did not go so well:
- cheated and ate the stuff meant for the meals (cheese, nuts) because was hungry and I am an addict

[ElenaO]

Such a nicer day today. Grounding yourself with meditation still in bed even laying down helps. Also stretches and yoga in the morning, to calm yourself down.

Went for a walk after a 4 day break. It's almost summer here! 68 F here! Amazing.

What went well:

+ grounding myself in the morning made me less reactive

+ could push through and finish task that was started

+ wrote in my blog my set amount of paragraphs

What could be better:

- waking up earlier and going to bed earlier.

But overall was a really nice day. Sweet. After a long period of stress and anxiety. 

[ElenaO]

I have guilt and neurotic thoughts when I didn't challenge myself enough that day. I wonder if everyone feels this way. 

Went well:

+ finished a ticket for work, had anxiety around it

What could be better:

- do more mindfulness meditation for longer periods

[ElenaO]

What went well:
- resisted the urge go buy tons of cheese and eat it all, my lizard brain thinks I am in famine mode so I want to eat all the time. Ugh...

What could have been better:

- did not sleep well at all. My stomach hurts, especially at night and in the morning. I think it's because of eating too late and also stress  
- did not meditate today... woke up late and had to do 1.5 hours of breathwork then my employer asked me to do something on which I spent a lot of time. I know, those are excuses, but I really felt bad physically today and will compensate tomorrow.

[ElenaO]

What went well:
- didn't have anxiety today, fortunately. I notice that if I get things in order and do them on time, everything's fine. To avoid it, keep things in order. Which isn't always possible, but it's a reminder to get them back in order if I am experiencing anxiety.

- was pretty relaxed in the morning and enjoyed quite a few things, for example discussions, the walk

What could be better:

- overate on chicken in the morning. Could keep the portion smaller. Though I didn't eat much calories in total today, so that's still fine.

- going to bed has been hard, cannot fall asleep, then keep having dreams then waking up too early.

 

[ElenaO]

Woke up relatively early and had time to read. Was cool.
I did my breathwork session today and had a pretty big release. I felt so sorry for myself and kept weeping. But I felt at peace the whole day after this. I couldn't even feel angry for all those people who aren't respecting the rules of social distancing. That was wonderful, wish I could have this feeling more often. 

I spoke to a coach on breathwork yesterday. He was fine, even though a few things made me rethink what we agreed on. But it was helpful otherwise, because I could drop into the breathwork process more easily and had less problems overall. He gave me hope I can get there.

I started using Hinge. And spoke today to a guy over a video call. He was surprisingly pretty attractive. Not sure where this would go, but felt good that I did the call. I feel online dating will require a LOT of patience, courage and initiative on my side.  

[Raptorsin7]

@ElenaO What is your breathwork practice?

I really want to start crying consisted but so far only Lsd and edible weed can make me cry.

Can you share your technique and any other insights into how you make yourself cry?

[ElenaO]

Hey @Raptorsin7 ! I am actually subscribed to a service, I pay 48 bucks per month. Then they provide the music and all the guidance etc. It's online. 
The technique is very simple. You just put the music on and an eye mask and start breathing deeply without breaks in between breaths. In 10-20 minutes you get to a place where your more genuine self starts coming out. Your ego is numb to a degree in that state. That's why it's easy to release. 

I usually never ever cry. But breathwork makes me sob like crazy. 

 

[ElenaO]

I was awfully anxious today. I woke up tired, I think I kept processing emotions through the night. Or maybe I was just way too exhausted physically. But you never know why you get to that point that your mind and your body just doesn't function well. 
I felt a lot of frustration during the day. I did manage to do a few things for work, but most of the day it was struggle.

What can I do to avoid that: relax in the evening perhaps? Read something non stimulating, relax my body. 

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@ElenaO  How do you feel after you cry? Also can you link your site, I'm very interested in this. I've been looking for techniques that can make me cry for a while now.

[ElenaO]

@Raptorsin7 Usually feeling relieve. But it also depends on the intensity. You can try this one for free once. 
https://breathworkonline.com/workshops/


 

[Raphael]

 

 

 

 

On 4/28/2020 at 9:07 AM, ElenaO said:

The technique is very simple. You just put the music on and an eye mask and start breathing deeply without breaks in between breaths.

I'm also interested in doing breathwork. I already tried it in the past, but never got the point of crying (it's very rare when I cry), I only got tingling sensations and some dizziness.

Can you describe the method a little more? Is it only deep inspirations into the belly followed by expirations until the end of the session? Is it similar to what Leo showed in its video? Do you have a video example?

Thank you ElenaO

Edited April 30, 2020 by Raphael

[ElenaO]

@Raphael if you'd have asked me like a year ago if I would have cried during breathwork, I'd just laugh. I never thought I was a "cryer". Yet in 95% session I cry or sob like crazy. Which was mind gobbling at first, but makes sense. When you experience strong emotions you'll cry. Or release in some other way. 

Also, men cry like crazy too. Well, they are human. 
You could try the free session from the link I sent above

It's very similar to what Leo showed in the video. And yes you are correct, it's deep inhale, deep exhale. It doesn't even have to be for the whole hour, it can be for the first 10-15 minutes, then if you enter the right state, you can slow your breathing (you'll know when you get there, your ego will be numb). 

[ElenaO]

So I am doing this Hinge thing. And I realized it's SO hard to find someone who'd be compatible. 
First, because there's a ton of guys who aren't responsive (duh, and men complain women aren't responsive).

Second, because I have some standards and I am also not 21 anymore.
What I identified from today's chats, but knew all along:

- salary matters

- drinking is a no-no

- no children from previous marriages

- someone who has similar cultural values
 

[ElenaO]

What went well:

- woke up with a feeling that I gotta stop playing games and got to take the shit seriously
- finished quite a few things at work

What didn't go so great:
- binged on shredded coconut. Should not buy any easy to eat stuff, really. Got to cook everything from scratch, that keeps my inner pig in the cage. 

[Raptorsin7]

@ElenaO  How long did it take you with the breathwork before you got to a point where you could reliably cry?

I've done some breathwork in the past, but nothing formal or extended beyond like 10 minutes of breathing, but I've never gotten close to a full emotional release through crying.

[ElenaO]

@Raptorsin7 The very first time I did breathwork was in person and it was a holotropic breathwork event. It went on for 3 hours. I started crying maybe after 20-30 minutes. 
To be honest if you do it even for 30 minutes it's probable you'll get a release.
The ONE advice I'd give is learning to surrender. If you are just going to breath but not let go, nothing will happen. You need to surrender and let your body do whatever it wants. You may basically feel like falling into abyss. By surrender I mean you relax everything and let anything that wants to happen happen. It's actually a very beautiful experience! I often cry specifically because of how beautiful it is. And also because I am feeling sorry for myself for not seeing this beauty in my life, that my life is ordinary and short of such beauty.
 

In my online sessions I also started crying from the very first session. I must repeat, I don't usually cry in my normal life. I am not that type of person. I know a lot of women who can burst into tears for small reasons, I am not like that. 

So: 1. breathing 2. surrender Those are the ingredients for a great breathwork session. 

Also don't do the session for less than 30 minutes. Especially if you only start and you don't know how it should go. Just try that one-hour free session I linked earlier.