Lost

[DrewNows]

Oh nice sounds like you know exactly what you need, the time with yourself will be amazing for self love and understanding, then you can finally let go of those neediness patterns of thought. I’ve just recently been learning about the different boundaries I need to make a healthy part of my life- mental,physical,emotional, time/energy, and material. Keep up the good work, holistic psychologist on Instagram and YouTube is where I’ve found a lot of healing tips 

[ElenaO]

Thanks for supportive words! ? I am on my way to the retreat. I am just amazed how hard  of a drug infatuation is... Insane ?

[ElenaO]

I am back from my retreat. Oh my, that was quite an experience. 
I learned that I am taking it so easy in life. I work hard much more rare than I should. 
That was a tough tough 10 days, each day was a struggle. 
Learned to recognize body sensations but still way far from being able to do it constantly. 

 

[allislove]

6 hours ago, ElenaO said:

I am back from my retreat. Oh my, that was quite an experience. 
I learned that I am taking it so easy in life. I work hard much more rare than I should. 
That was a tough tough 10 days, each day was a struggle. 
Learned to recognize body sensations but still way far from being able to do it constantly. 

 

Ah, I remembered myself on the day after my first Vipassana retreat this year, what a great time. Have you achieved "free flow"? 
I was able once to sit 2 hour without moving. I wanted to continue Vipassana after the retreat, but unfortunately I couldn't, since it requires too much time to sustain the results achieved on retreat (e.g. the ability to have a free flow quite easily).  

[ElenaO]

17 hours ago, dimitri said:

Ah, I remembered myself on the day after my first Vipassana retreat this year, what a great time. Have you achieved "free flow"? 
I was able once to sit 2 hour without moving. I wanted to continue Vipassana after the retreat, but unfortunately I couldn't, since it requires too much time to sustain the results achieved on retreat (e.g. the ability to have a free flow quite easily).  

If you mean by free flow the ability to sweep through your body and feel tingling or vibrations, then yes! It feels good, never felt anything similar to that before. 
However, I must say this retreat was not anything enjoyable for me, it was tough work and I felt exhausted all the time. But I learned quite a few things, so definitely worth it!

[ElenaO]

I will stick to doing one hour of meditation per day as I see huge benefits in the long run. 
 

I feel it's going to be so hard to maintain the discipline and hard work when I am on my own. You just tend to relax and take things easy. But it feels SO awesome after if you push through it and work very hard. It's just very counterintuitive. 

I felt so exhausted after work today. Now I understand that working hard on meditating is one type of hard work and working at your workplace is another one. The problem also is that my work is not fueled intrinsically as I would want it to be. 

I might need to find ways to work that around somehow and get genuine interest in learning all the time. 
I know that learning with someone around me is so much fun. I was thinking of even hiring someone to practice with me. For now I do it from times to times with my friends, but they are not always available. 

[d0ornokey]

@ElenaO

what do you practice/learn?

 

[ElenaO]

23 hours ago, d0ornokey said:

@ElenaO

what do you practice/learn?

 

What do you mean? Not sure I understand the question.
If you are asking about meditation, then it was Vipassana. 

[ElenaO]

Oh man, work and improving yourself can be such a drag. You have to keep fighting all these temptations and easy life...

I should think of a strict regimen and commit to it. The hard part is committing to it. You have to see the real reason for it. I guess seeing it how hard other people work would motivate me. I have to start getting around these people so I know how and what it is.

[ElenaO]

Still grieving this guy. I guess it's a craving, really. I understand that that's the end to romantic times with a guy I actually liked. He also "stole" the possibility of me dating someone like him and making it work. Of course, that's my own insecurity. I have to work on it. I have to take 100% responsibility here. I want someone I actually like. 
There's this whole industry about pickup and that's for guys. But how does a girl get a guy that she really likes? Maybe indirectly she can by taking care of herself, being around lots of guys. But it's still seems kind of out of control...

I met another guy today that I've originally met on a hike. And I think I screwed up. Not 100% sure. But I think I said one or a few things without being too careful and he might have got insulted. It's not like I was rude, but I just spoke my mind. On the other hand, I am not sure I always want to be too restrictive on what I say. After all, he will find out everything sooner or later. 
Still felt a little disappointing. And I am still hurting from the previous relationship, which wasn't even a relationship but a summer fling. 

Ugh. I want it back. But who cares what I want. Got to live with what is. 

[ElenaO]

I find meaning in just working hard at things. I think it's probably thanks to dopamine. Love working out (now that I feel much better). Love working hard and even that uncomfortable feeling when you don't want to do something but you push through anyway, 
A lot of it I learned in Vipassana. It teaches you so much patience and perseverance.

I also finally realize that I want someone on my side. I remember some guys were telling me this and I couldn't understand it. But now I get it. My brothers are married, some friends are getting married, getting a relationship, so now I feel like I have no one really to share my things with and be an important person for. It's not like I cannot live without it. I can! But I was just thinking today that it would be nice to have someone to share your thoughts and problems with. 

[ElenaO]

I start noticing how I am slowly sliding back with my routines and hard work. I've been supercharged after my meditation retreat to work hard. Now society and my own mind is making me slow down. I have to be vigilant here. But it's very hard to notice this! I got to analyze everything I do before I do it and contemplate on it. There's too much noise to notice it clearly. 
Maybe having a plan would work. But it just sounds so anal and neurotic to plan everything up.

Well, tomorrow after work I want to go to yoga. That'll be at 5:30 or 6pm. I want to commit not to eat after it. This shouldn't be hard. I also want to write up my Vipassana experience in English for my Toastmaster's speech.

I could do my laundry early in the morning before work too. That way I get more time in the evening. 

I just have to keep remembering to do the emotionally hard things. Not the things that are easy.

[ElenaO]

I realize how easy it is fall back on being complacent. It's just the default mode, unless you stay vigilant and direct yourself all the time. 

It's where you will be if you are surrounded by people who do same thing. It's either being alone and developing a strict routine  or being around people who do hard things. 

 

[ElenaO]

Either it's my mind or something else, but my great routine is going to hell. 
I wonder how does anyone keep up with it. It's as there must be a very strong drive to keep up the discipline. I must perhaps visualize the outcome to keep being efficient and hard working. 

 

[ElenaO]

I am going back to my earlier routine before the retreat. My motivation is waning. I am starting to come back to complacency. 
I guess there must be certain things that I want that would keep me on track. 

Perhaps could print some images of women with highly attractive bodies, which would keep me off any junk, including pizza, cheese, etc. These I eat when I am going to meetups. 

Perhaps could read every morning a motivational book. See how hard working others are. People around me aren't exactly hard working.

I also want to learn more English idioms. This does motivate me. Maybe I could spend my free time doing that. Would be more fun doing it with someone, of course. Maybe memrise or duolingo or something else that would keep me going. 

I could start with promising to do certain things every single day. And sticking to it. 
1. 1h meditation every single day
2. stopping myself from overindulging food 

3. doing one thing every single day that scares me or makes me very uncomfortable

I will post my report my report daily to share.

[ElenaO]

I haven't posted in a few days, because was running around either responding to my own needs or the needs of work (which one of my own needs, too, actually). 
I've been doing OK with all three, but resisting to indulge in food isn't as successful as it was right after the retreat.
I just have to keep working at it. Detaching myself from the pleasure and understanding that these cravings will pass. This requires consciousness and wisdom and I am not always good at it.

It all comes down to surrendering to the pleasant and unpleasant sensations. Letting them be. Observing them. But you have to be conscious when these sensations come up. Otherwise, you'll just react. And that's what we mostly do.

For the uncomfortable things: I resisted to eat cookies we had at work, which was awesome; practiced patience with others; did a hike in rainy and cold weather, even though I wanted to do it, actually.   

 

[ElenaO]

Today started great, I managed to get myself motivated and persisted pretty well with the meditation and concentration. 
Did 1 hour of Vipassana, 3 minutes of concentration practice and 5 minutes of visualization.
And did some stretching in the morning. Then started with work. 

I went for a barre workout later and felt so tired after it, because I put a lot of energy into it, which of course is great. But I also felt like I need to eat and felt pretty sick by everything. The ticket I was working on for work proved to be longer than I expected and I felt bad. And in general it feels like there's a lot of grind. 

But then I had a wonderful surprise at the end of the day: I got accepted as a speaker at PyCascades!! That was such a surprise, considering that only 8% get selected <3
Felt so exciting!

Ok, my report for today:

1. 1 hour meditation - done

2. no food indulgence - ok, but did allow myself some cheese and too many fruits. On the other hand, have to give in sometimes

3. something uncomfortable I've done today was doing the barre workout with all my grit.

[Raptorsin7]

Good luck with your journey. I am from Victoria, BC so we are neighbors (:

Edited October 22, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[ElenaO]

Thank you! I went to Victoria just a  little over a month ago  

[ElenaO]

1. Did 1 hour meditation

2. indulging in food is a challenge - I feel it's not about taste but more because of the comfort. Especially when I am tired I need this comfortable feeling that would balance my mild suffering. 

3. Didn't eat bagels that were at the office. And didn't binge on the pizza available too.