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[ElenaO]

35 minutes ago, moon777light said:

@ElenaO goodluck, im excited to read about your endeavors <3 i am intrigued about keto i heard its one of the healthiest diets available

Thanks a lot!  

[Privet]

12 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Meditation on fatigue? What do you mean? You mean meditation to become less fatigued?

 

Focusing attention on the phenomenon of tiredness. It might be broken into its components as well: physical sensations of weakness/heaviness in your body plus emotional resistance/sadness.

[ElenaO]

On 16/05/2018 at 6:42 AM, Privet said:

Focusing attention on the phenomenon of tiredness. It might be broken into its components as well: physical sensations of weakness/heaviness in your body plus emotional resistance/sadness.

Hm, I can do that. But it won't make me any less tired, I think. 

 

[ElenaO]

Had a pretty frustrating day today. Or just a part of it. 

Didn't write anything for my blog today because had no ideas. And I don't to write just because I have to write every single day. I will be travelling tomorrow though and will have plenty of time to write a new post.

Decided to focus on CSS instead, all those display&position things I've never looked into properly. Now is the time. I feel though that I am not super motivated to do it. It's like I am doing it just to do something, there's no drive. When I'm writing I'm in the flow, things just happen. Oh well, it may be I will get there with CSS things some day too.

The challenge is perhaps there's no burning need to learn it. It's there and it's handy to know it, but how important is it to me?

 

[ElenaO]

Have been absent here for a quite some time. 
I've moved to the US, so there's plenty to be busy about. 

Going to a driving test tomorrow, since European driving license isn't accepted in the US 

Love the parks and nature that's here in Seattle. It's majestic! Have seen two (!) snakes already! Plus a family of raccoons , tons of bunnies, and even a baby deer. I mean, come on, where would you meet so many animals?
Americans also loooove to have pets. I thought Finns are crazy about pets, but no, Americans win.

It annoys me that there's no roads to walk here. And how are you supposed to relax then?

There's a lot of choice (food/places/things to do), much more than in Finland. Will go to some guided hike this weekend  Will see how it goes.

[ElenaO]

Passed the test today. Really happy about it.

I came to a realization that I am not very attracted to working on my jobs (I have two currently, both remote, fortunately). I guess I am just missing the flow state for now. I still haven't found that zone where I am competent enough and know what I am doing. It will get there, I know. But it will take some time till it happens. I work much less nowadays than what I've used to. Only about 4 hours. That's definitely not enough to sustain myself financially, but then again I don't want to stress myself about it right now. I'll figure something out. 

[ElenaO]

Did around 7 hours of work today. The voice inside me is critical and negative, so I feel drained and unsatisfied after work. I am wondering how often do I encounter such days. I should start counting. If the number is high enough, I'd rather drop this work. 

Went for a walk and had a nasty fight with my boyfriend during it (argh, instead of enjoying it!). I feel super annoyed when he talks about his knowledge in IT. I know it's the ego talking. Because I (the ego) cannot let anyone be better. And he isn't, in fact. It's just that I have this crazy craving to point it out to him that he's actually not that good. I've a HUGE ego. I know of that, and it wouldn't let me relax.

[ElenaO]

Had a huge scare today. Won't got into details about it. Funny, but after it the only thing that scared me was all the discomfort I would have to deal with/all the consequences. I guess I didn't get so scared after all.

I notice how much I resist some things, which aren't in the end so hard. But they overwhelm me when I think about them. This overwhelming feeling is quite a theme for me. I do work, I get overwhelmed. I face changes, I get overwhelmed. And it scares me more than it should. I do realize this now, but unconsciously I just try to avoid things if they seem overwhelming. I would rather suffer, than get overwhelmed by future. Gotta work on this one.

[MarkusSweden]

14 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Had a huge scare today. Won't got into details about it. Funny, but after it the only thing that scared me was all the discomfort I would have to deal with/all the consequences. I guess I didn't get so scared after all.

I notice how much I resist some things, which aren't in the end so hard. But they overwhelm me when I think about them. This overwhelming feeling is quite a theme for me. I do work, I get overwhelmed. I face changes, I get overwhelmed. And it scares me more than it should. I do realize this now, but unconsciously I just try to avoid things if they seem overwhelming. I would rather suffer, than get overwhelmed by future. Gotta work on this one.

I notice that I become less scared if I detach from outcome. 

If I have something to do that scares me, I simply think to myself, ok, I don't care about outcome, I just focus on the doing and try to enjoy it. And if the result is positive, that's just a bonus. And if the result is not successful I just think that it's ok to fail, that I don't have to feel any guilt. 

Think of it as a win-win. It outcome is what you like it to be, that's obviously a win, and if not, then there is a great opportunity to learn how to "fail" without any anxiety or guilt, so it's also a win, since you become less afraid of negative results. 

Besides, the only really negative there is, is to not to try at all, to be passive. 

This works for me, my sister learn me this advice.

What do you think?

Namaste.

[ElenaO]

On 21/07/2018 at 1:10 PM, MarkusSweden said:

I notice that I become less scared if I detach from outcome. 

If I have something to do that scares me, I simply think to myself, ok, I don't care about outcome, I just focus on the doing and try to enjoy it. And if the result is positive, that's just a bonus. And if the result is not successful I just think that it's ok to fail, that I don't have to feel any guilt. 

Think of it as a win-win. It outcome is what you like it to be, that's obviously a win, and if not, then there is a great opportunity to learn how to "fail" without any anxiety or guilt, so it's also a win, since you become less afraid of negative results. 

Besides, the only really negative there is, is to not to try at all, to be passive. 

This works for me, my sister learn me this advice.

What do you think?

Namaste.

Sounds like a good trick. I will try it out next time. The situation I described was about physical death or some serious injury. I was afraid of that.   

[ElenaO]

Work makes me dull. So much thinking and concentration effort goes into it. I wonder if I should just try to complete my hours in the morning and forget all about work for the afternoon. Then I won't feel like there's still something hanging. It's also difficult to forget about work and get out of the "working" state even after you are done. I mean there's always more work to do.

I wish I could just read books, write into my blog, walk, and travel. And maybe do some workouts. That's my definition of a wonderful life     

[ElenaO]

Oh man, I keep falling into the same traps. I have these two companies I'm working with and I keep repeating the same mistakes. Being overly agreeable, sacrificing. I'd better just stop and think what do I want and need exactly. 

It was great to divide the day in half: morning and early afternoon for work, rest of the afternoon and evening for the rest of things. Will keep working on keeping it. 

When you work longer and suffer longer (well, not exactly suffer, but work harder) you appreciate the rest afterwards that much more. Same goes for food. I am doing intermittent fasting nowadays and I've noticed that not eating till you are dying to eat is so much more rewarding. Sometimes I feel like eating just because it's time to eat reaps off all the joy. I mean you don't exactly appreciate it, if you don't suffer enough before getting it.  

[ElenaO]

Gotta do my writing in the morning, otherwise I will never be able to do it. Work takes too much energy and time. Even if I am doing it part time. I don't know how could I do anything earlier when I was working for 8 hours  
I also feel like I am forcing myself to do quite a few things: work (missing an actual intrinsic motivation to do it), workouts (negative motivation because of weight), mundane everyday things, etc. There's not enough things that I would do during the day that I actually enjoy. So writing must be in it! As well as reading!

 

[ElenaO]

I've been writing for two mornings now. I see this IS high up in my values. I get so much out of it. Got to remember to keep doing it. If I write even a little today, then it's a good day. Well, not necessarily a good one, but a sure better one than without it. I read at the moment Steven King's book "On Writing" when I wake up, really enjoy reading early in the morning. Then I get all this inspiration to write myself. Perfect early morning. 

Another thought: everything you do will have consequences. If the actions you do are based on rather poor values, you are bound to have respective consequences sooner or later, same goes for actions based on higher values. Got to remember this one too.

[ElenaO]

Motivation and its triggers

I was listening to Leo Gura's video on the power of asking questions and he had a set of great ones to ponder on. One of them was about what motivates you to become better and vice versa. 

I think that's a wonderful question. I notice that if I get into the negative self-talk, things start going downward spiral. On the other hand, the more positive thoughts I have, the more motivated I am. The key is to get yourself out of the negative rumination. Being conscious of it when that happens is another challenge. 

Eating crap or anything else I do not approve of, sets me off on a wrong path. Again, becoming conscious of it and stopping the self-criticism is a saviour. Or doing something hard again, which will let me pat myself on the back — good girl, now you are doing it right! Who is this prude within me anyway? Can I let it ever go?

Sleeping in is another one. It's again self-talk: oh, come on, now you wasted almost all of your morning! There's something to be done every single day, or else you'll feel the guilt. And maybe it is true. We do have to have a ton load of things to get done if we want to move forward.

Today I also reminded myself that we got to be grateful every single day for being alive. I've caught cold and I realized that it's some virus trying to survive and to inhabit my body, so I am in danger, even if not in a serious one, but yet. I am grateful I do not lay in bed somewhere in a hospital wondering if I'll be breathing tomorrow morning. 

What else motivates me is getting out of my routine, going travelling, doing something I really like. And maybe sometimes I don't really like. Changing things around puts things into perspective.

Things that absolutely uninspire me is sickness. I immediately jump into victim mentality mode and start moaning: why oh why am I sick again? If I would see this from a different angle, it would be such a relieve. How about learning something from it? How can I improve and grow myself from this experience? For instance, I could start taking cold showers. Become anti-fragile, as Siim Land says. 

What puts me down is jealousy. I look at other people around me and come up with ideas of why I cannot be like them and why I cannot let myself do things as they do allow themselves. One of them is not allowing myself to talk to others because I need to get things done. Well, that's because someone put the idea into my head that providing value is *the* most important thing. And I guess it is, if you want to survive. But perhaps being social wouldn't hurt. Instead, it would empower me. I could be both social, charismatic, and get things done.

In short, doing the right things motivates me. Doing the wrong things starts the downward spiral. Unless I am vigilant enough to note that and put an it to an end. Meditation and awareness, as result, is the key.

What motivates you? What sets you back?

[ElenaO]

Letting go is so powerful, when I try to let go S and make myself realize that it's for the better. I am fighting against reality. This is what is meant to happen, so might as well reconcile with the reality. Even though there's resistance every time I do that. Even now I say that and I feel tension in my legs and belly. I don’t want to let him go. Tears well up in my eyes when I think about it. But thinking about good parts of letting him go, make it easier. I would not go to sleep late. I would feel refreshed. Ultimately, we are different. We have different aspirations. What I also realized is that I am teaching him. And nagging I guess. So have to increase awareness already only because of this.

 

I had two dreams today. At least two. They were nightmares. This is the theme that perpetually repeats itself. One was about some guy (I think it was Aman Yadav, my school teammate, not sure why him). He was asking me about an issue that I was having at work. Apparently in my dream he's my teammate at work. He asked, Elena, so how is it going with that issue? And I replied: well, it's still not resolved. This issue eludes me. I haven't solved it. And didn't give him a clear definite "I will solve it". Also, in my own eyes, I didn't give him a compassion and my sorry about not solving him. And I feel like I don't care if I lose a job. So I see him leaving with a  fret on his face. And suddenly this fear inside of me arises. He's going to report and provide bad feedback about me to higher ups and I will get fired! Intense feeling of fear encompasses me.

 

Another one. I am still working but in a weird office, with different hats on the walls, not sure why. Maybe because only yesterday I was thinking I could change my style of dressing. So there's these interesting women hats on the shelves and I am looking at them. And there's even some women wearing this hat right next to me. It's all in the office, so she's probably my coworker.

 

Anyways, it seems I am distracted from work with all this hats and other things. Maybe even some sexual arousal. Not sure why. Probably again thinking about S.

 

Now, suddenly and I am looking around and I see my brother standing in the office. And he's called ambulance, as I understand. And I am like, what happened, what's going on. And he replies, I've cut my arm! And then I see that there he stands with his arm cut at the wrist (no blood dropping for some reason). His hand/palm is laying on the floor behind him. And I feel this intense feeling of worry and fear for my brother. And I am thinking or even telling him we got to put the hand into the ice. And in the experience I am feeling: I hope this is a dream! Is it a dream??? I really really really hope this is a dream! And then I wake up.

I remember when my father was taken to the hospital with a stroke I also had the same reaction: is this a dream? Please let this be a dream. But it wasn't…
 

Each time I have a nightmare it involves my family members. I guess I am so afraid about them and it would hurt me so much, that amongst the most intense fears I have is losing them or seeing them hurt.

 

[ElenaO]

I realize now that the less you do during the day, the more you let yourself relax, the harder it is to get shit done later. 

Yesterday I managed to get tons of stuff done, which definitely wasn't easy, but felt so awesome afterwards. And I slept like dead without waking up! Which is an accomplishment.

Moral of the story: do the hard things and you'll get your reward. Don't do it and suffer. Pick your poison. 
 

[ElenaO]

I now started to understand the idea behind feeling into your emotions. It's extremely empowering if you can actually sit with them and not run away, avoid, distract yourself. You just observe them and let them be. 
I find it hard to do that though if you are trying to concentrate on your work, for instance. I feel like I am better off just switching attention to that particular emotion until it passes. But that, of course, creates more emotions, such as anxiety, because you are supposed to work and get shit done, but instead you are sitting there noticing your emotions. So it's a battle.

[ElenaO]

It's insane how addicted one can become to a person. I've been having very uncomfortable moments for the last few weeks because of falling in love with a guy. I don't think he is sharing the same obsession. It hurts!!
Anyway, today I got pissed off because of him being late, and told him a few things straight up. Now I think this is over. He didn't even try to say sorry. He probably has a big ego, just like I do. Now it sucks and hurts... Oh well, I guess I'll have to deal with this. 

[ElenaO]

Still hurting from my experience. Ugh, falling in love...
Going to a Vipassana retreat tomorrow for 10 days! Never done it. Hope it gives me another perspective on myself and life.

No internet, no talking, no reading for the whole 10 days. Amazing. First time ever.