Lost

[ElenaO]

The title of the journal reflects exactly how I've been feeling for over two years now. An existential crisis, no joke. I know that if my life would suddenly become challenging I would immediately get out of this rut. And sooner or later I will. It's a fact.

I don't know if others have this same issue or it's just me. I cannot concentrate when there are a lot of people around walking / minding their business. I am talking about my colleagues. The thing that bothers me is that I cannot commit on talking / interacting with them, because I have to work. Besides, I have an issue communicating with them since it's not my mother tongue (a childhood trauma that makes me much more shy than I usually am). 

It feels like they are stealing my energy and my attention. And then I cannot focus on my work. It's so frustrating. 
I've talked to my boss and asked about the possibility of working remotely. He said that's impossible. Even though there are a couple of colleagues who do this. Screw that. Such a fair workplace.
I will have another meeting with him tomorrow to put an end to my sufferings.

Until then, peace!

[ElenaO]

I was surprised to notice that I suddenly had exciting feelings and motivation to do things yesterday after talking with my boss. That's unexpected, because lately I haven't felt any of it. Nowadays I am rarely motivated by anything. I guess the idea of losing a well paying job and the opportunity of going to travel to some third world country lit some fire under my butt. 

The decision is yet to be made, but I am pretty excited (and surely scared!) about the upcoming changes.

Have to be honest that I felt quite weak during my negotiations with the boss. I tend to give away control to my managers. And it sucks. Got to work harder at this.

[Key Elements]

If you say that a career is challenging because of dealing with all kinds of people, I could relate to that. That challenge will always be there. I would highly recommend that you let go of that at the end of the day and cherish that moment as peace.

Are you doing a life purpose? That opens doors if you plan it carefully as you go along. After finding my life purpose, I changed my career and found a career that matches my life purpose. The journey of a life purpose doesn’t end, it continues forever. You are better able to control how it goes than a job or career because eventually you'll be working for yourself. When you get home from work, after that moment of peace, you may start this journey. You don't have to rush into it. Take notes. Take your time. Lots of good info on the forum if you search for it.

[ElenaO]

@Key Elements I agree, it will always be a challenge to be around people. Unless you stop caring too much about their opinions. Today I had a small breakthrough in this respect. I just let myself relax around others. I do realize that a lot of tension is created by me caring about being judged. Dropping this habit requires a lot of concentration and awareness. 

 

[ElenaO]

I bought a one-way ticket to Thailand today  I'm going in one month! That's it. At least something is decided. I am quitting and going traveling for a couple of months. 
I'm wondering how to make this trip about self-actualization and serious self-development. It can get pretty comfortable if I just stick to the regular plan. I must set up some minimal goals for the trip which I absolutely have to accomplish. 

 

[ElenaO]

Did today an hour of meditation. Haven't noticed any serious effect. I was aiming at not moving and doing the "Do nothing" technique. It wasn't exactly a strong determination sitting as I was moving my eyes. I also swallowed several times, moved my back because it was hurting. I do realize now that the time you devote to meditation doesn't matter that much after all. Quality over quantity.
And mindfulness meditation has been the most effective for me so far.

 

[ElenaO]

Being relaxed around people and not feeling that someone might "attack" me at any moment takes an extra effort. But it's so powerful. I do notice that when I practice this I manage to feel so much happier and in the flow. 

What I realize is that I am not assertive around people I don't know very well. Specifically those that have a "higher status" in my eyes. I have no idea why. Even among some of my friends I cannot defend my own rights. And it drives me crazy. Today I was sitting on the train and there were two kids across me banging their legs against the sit. They were touching my pants with their shoes. Their mom was on the phone and didn't really pay attention to them. I didn't have courage to tell her to take any action. Afterwards I had this feeling of hopelessness that I couldn't deal with the situation. I know I can sometimes, but it takes so much effort. 

[Privet]

4 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Being relaxed around people and not feeling that someone might "attack" me at any moment takes an extra effort. But it's so powerful. I do notice that when I practice this I manage to feel so much happier and in the flow. 

I've found a great technique by Shinzen that helps to get comfortable around people. He suggests to consciously become more aware of the sense of you/iamness/self when you are around someone. I practice this when I'm walking on the street, every time a person comes by it causes some ego shutdown reaction, kind of ego hiding, and if you switch your focus to the sense of self at that moment you feel less moved by the presence of other.

https://youtu.be/3gv05sLZQBU

[ElenaO]

Thanks, I will check it out

[ElenaO]

There's so much drama and manipulation going on at work. I am just amazed how does this whole organization work. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I am involved in that myself 
I am well aware that my desire to get the last money I can makes me weak. In fact, it hurts my self-esteem quite badly. But I feel like I am out of control in this one. But also the idea of wasting my time at home the last days before my trip doesn't sound wise either. So I have to pretend everything's fine and continue working. In the meanwhile my anger and resentment just grows...
 

[ElenaO]

I am waking up in the middle of the night way too often for the last couple of months. It's all the fear and worries that come up from my subconscious. Consciously I know I have nothing to worry about but how do I stop the thoughts coming from somewhere beyond me? Meditation definitely helps. But sometimes I am way too exhausted physically and mentally to be aware. I am sure it will resolve in the near future, though.

I am flying to Amsterdam tonight with my boyfriend. Let's see what we'll discover there  
 

[Key Elements]

14 hours ago, ElenaO said:

I am flying to Amsterdam tonight with my boyfriend. Let's see what we'll discover there  

I love travelling, especially immigration. I spent 7 yrs in India. That's what helped me find my life purpose. And, after I found it, I  connected that to spirituality when I saw Leo's clips -- long story. I couldn't have done all that if I did not travel. I'm glad to hear that you're going to Thailand and Amsterdam in your journal. Btw, about your boyfriend, did you meet him at work? Is he the one that you mentioned in your thread, "Getting Further with a Crush?" If so, that's so cute! 

[ElenaO]

I am back to writing here. I've returned from my trip two weeks ago and I must say that this trip was life-changing. I don't want it to sound all hype and cool - it's not it - but I've just aligned with my values and my life improved for the better.

I am still with my boyfriend, which is actually from my previous workplace (even though not my crush), and this trip made me grow quite some in the domain of relationships. I wouldn't say it was easy - in fact, it was emotionally very difficult at times. But I learnt to become present when the situation would heat up. 

Anyways, that's not what I was going to talk about. I will reflect here on the things I'm doing day-to-day.

I am writing a blog about travel, life in Finland and overall about problems we face in life. It's in Russian and it's here elenaoat.livejournal.com in case you understand it

 

[Privet]

On 02.02.2018 at 11:06 AM, ElenaO said:

I am way too exhausted physically and mentally to be aware.

How about meditation on fatigue? On relaxation? Holding positive states?

[ElenaO]

On 14/05/2018 at 0:48 PM, Privet said:

How about meditation on fatigue? On relaxation? Holding positive states?

Meditation on fatigue? What do you mean? You mean meditation to become less fatigued?

 

[ElenaO]

I realize that a lot of choices I make day-to-day aren't aligned with my values or goals I would like to achieve. 

For example, today I've agreed to meet with a girl who I barely know for a coffee. She just asked me if I would like to have a coffee. Instead of thinking too much, I've replied yes. Why? Just because it's nice for my ego  I like hearing that people want to spend time. 

On the other hand, I didn't get things done in the morning because of that meeting. Should have known better. Decide based on your values and goals - be a strategic motherfucker

[ElenaO]

One more thing. I am trying this Keto diet right now. The thing is I didn't realize how much commitment you have to put into it. I thought I would just follow more or less the rules. Well guess what? It doesn't work this way. I've started recently counting what I'm eating and it seems I am following Atkins instead of Keto, because of the huge amounts of protein I'm consuming. 

Now, to make it work I would need to create an actual plan of what to eat day to day to follow strictly the diet. That's a project on its own.

[Hello from Russia]

@ElenaO Any diet  that lowers carbohydrate intake to a point where your liver switches from using glucose as primary fuel to ketone bodies and FFA can be called ketogenic. Protein\Fats ratios are just nuances. But yeah, I feel you, I know how intense it is knowledge-wise to stay on such eating regiment.

[moon777light]

@ElenaO goodluck, im excited to read about your endeavors <3 i am intrigued about keto i heard its one of the healthiest diets available

[ElenaO]

3 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

@ElenaO Any diet  that lowers carbohydrate intake to a point where your liver switches from using glucose as primary fuel to ketone bodies and FFA can be called ketogenic. Protein\Fats ratios are just nuances. But yeah, I feel you, I know how intense it is knowledge-wise to stay on such eating regiment.

Apparently, protein can become a source of glycogen through neoglucogenesis.