Tried Leo´s Enlighenment Guided Inquiry Neti Neti Method (not this not that method)

[Moritz]

Hey Guys,

so I´ve been doing Self Inquiry for over a week now daily for at least 30 minutes. (to be honest I´ve lost track for how long exactly but anyways...)
I´ve gotten some insights, which you can partially read in my previous posts, but for the last 2 days I felt like hitting my head against a solid 3 kilometers
thick brick wall of ancieties, preconceptions, fears, beliefs and so on. And by brick I mean like mo**f***ng BRICK. Like the real kind. The kind that you need like wagons full of dynmite to get through.
You get my point it seems insurmountable. Basically my mind is unwilling to open to there even being a possibility of the state of no self which we refer to as 
enlightenment, awakening and all sorts of other labels.

So today I thought I´d switch it up a knotch and why not do the Guided Visualization by Leo in his Neti Neti Method Video. 

So I did and now the "problem is even clearer. 

In his video he´s saying something like:
Until you´ve opened your mind up to the possibility of not being a Self your not ready to do the Inquiry. The inquiry starts after you´ve opened your mind.

And this is what happened...

 

"No I can´t", rebells my mind in utter panic. 

"Why not I ask", a little bit annoyed. 

"Because this is all we have. We only have ourselves. Without this you´ll be unsafed, you´ll be alone, you´ll be damned !"

I get more and more frustrated and pissed at my self. How could I be so stupid ? After reading all the books and watching all the videos about Enlightenment, how the Ego keeps you enslaved and so forth this protector part had such an utter faith in the fact that the old me, the mind, the EGO would be the only way to feel secure. 

I´m hitting my head against this wall. Again and again. And like a snake the mind wispers:

"No don´t try. It´s pointless. It´s obvious. We know how we are."

I take note of the comment. Try to not give it to much energy and focus again on my inquiry. 

And there´s the wall again. 

This doesn´t make any sense. 

My mind distracts me with totally random thoughts of this or that.

My relashionship, eating food, porn and what not. 

It´s so annoying. 

In fact it´s painfull.

Not to mention my other inner emotional conflicts which constantly interfer. 

My heart and throat chakra tensed in anxiety. 

It all feels hopeless and pointless.

I´m stuck forever stuck in this rotten misery. So known. So ugly. But yet it somehow feels safe. 

I can´t get out. I have to get out. I´m in resistance. I´m stuck. Gosh this is annoying.

But sometimes. This slight hint of an awareness that there´s something there to discover which I´m simply unaware of for now. 

The insight of how lacking the connection to this conciousness, this awareness, is the root of all my "problems" in life.

But I can find it. Somehow. Some way. There´s hope. Not only that. There´s perspective. Perspective for all the love and passion to pour right to the wounds inflicted in the past and light to crack into the concrete block of equmiliated falsehood and deception of the mind.

It keeps me driving to the truth all day everyday. With every step and every breath. 

 

 

 

So my question is how do i make this part of me feel safe enough to start doing the Inquiry and no longer resisting it ? 

And how do I deal with my mind and Ego resisting this work ?

 

Much Love,

Moritz