My Time To Say Anything!

[Anna Skywords]

I have really strange days when all the revelations that pour into my brain are so many, so cluttered. Like a Zip file that never really opens up clearly exposing it's content. On those days I feel confused and blind. I try to put pieces of thought together that just don't fit. Ever since I'm a little girl I've found puzzles extremely frustrating.  And some how, seaming with the flip of a switch my life has become one. For the last ten years I've been working on this puzzle. And yes, some days are days of clarity. All the revelations fit perfect, they make sense and provide me with inner peace and personal empowerment. Those are the days I say to myself.....is this it ? Is this why ? Is this what this all really ment ? And I'm thinking the decade of emotional trama and confusion is finally over. Because I get so much clear revelations in one day sometimes..it just feels so final..like...how could there be more? How could any one human being need to know more ? And then then the next day arrives and I realize..the sun rises with a new set of challanges and lessons. Most of the time I'm just wishing my life wasn't such a mystery to me.

[Anna Skywords]

Greetings March 1st 2016. You've brought me much pain and sorrow. Because once again my life is going to change and struggle is about to become apart of my daily life once again. While I think I did get some real victories I am losing my mate. Funny how it seems everything comes with a price. Well I guess I should rejoice in the fact that it's not a price I'll have to pay any more. No more sleepless wrestles nights wondering why he is all the way on the other side of the bed. No more wondering why he didn't come home again. No more sitting through agonizing painfull stories that I always knew were bull shit. No more being afraid to look in his eyes. No more wondering who he is really with. No more picking his clothes of the chair. No more hearing him tell me how to dress before I open the front door. It's a part of inner growth I never did develope, being alone. One side of me is already pining at all the opertunities and freedom. The other side sees no opertunities,  she sharply reminds me how easily I get overwhelmed. "You know how much self discipline you lack"!! She screams in my face. I keep trying to stay positive. The break up only being a few hours old. But when the day comes when he calls out of the blue and says." I need some of my stuff". Ohhh how that will feel like a knife in my heart. But I don't want him in here.  So I'll have to  put his things in bags and leave them outside. I'm taking this hour by hour for now. I'm in so much shock that even sounds have taken new life. A car door slam. The water running in the apartment above me. Tinny patter foot steps. The humming sound my computer makes. The hardest part about all of this is that.....even though I know this isn't true..I feel so much further from my destiny when I'm not coupled with someone. I feel like what could I possibly become as...just me ? I want to know what my purpose is in this life. Cause I'm almost 40 and it's beginning to feel like my only purpose is to suffer and survive instead of thrive. What is my purpose? Why am I here ? And when can I go home!!! I just want to go home!!!

[Anna Skywords]

Greetings March 1st 2016. You've brought me much pain and sorrow. Because once again my life is going to change and struggle is about to become apart of my daily life once again. While I think I did get some real victories I am losing my mate. Funny how it seems everything comes with a price. Well I guess I should rejoice in the fact that it's not a price I'll have to pay any more. No more sleepless wrestles nights wondering why he is all the way on the other side of the bed. No more wondering why he didn't come home again. No more sitting through agonizing painfull stories that I always knew were bull shit. No more being afraid to look in his eyes. No more wondering who he is really with. No more picking his clothes of the chair. No more hearing him tell me how to dress before I open the front door. It's a part of inner growth I never did develope, being alone. One side of me is already pining at all the opertunities and freedom. The other side sees no opertunities,  she sharply reminds me how easily I get overwhelmed. "You know how much self discipline you lack"!! She screams in my face. I keep trying to stay positive. The break up only being a few hours old. But when the day comes when he calls out of the blue and says." I need some of my stuff". Ohhh how that will feel like a knife in my heart. But I don't want him in here.  So I'll have to  put his things in bags and leave them outside. I'm taking this hour by hour for now. I'm in so much shock that even sounds have taken new life. A car door slam. The water running in the apartment above me. Tinny patter foot steps. The humming sound my computer makes. The hardest part about all of this is that.....even though I know this isn't true..I feel so much further from my destiny when I'm not coupled with someone. I feel like what could I possibly become as...just me ? I want to know what my purpose is in this life. Cause I'm almost 40 and it's beginning to feel like my only purpose is to suffer and survive instead of thrive. What is my purpose? Why am I here ? And when can I go home!!! I just want to go home!!!            

[Anna Skywords]

Greetings to anyone who thought to themselves.........well.......anything. And to anyone who thought reading this might be a good idea  All to often I'm told I think too much. Or I over analyze everything. For me doing excatly that has been a big part of the self actualizing process. Of course there are plenty of moments where I'm wasting time asking myself and the universe questions that just can't be answered. My best reprieve from all the empty replies and frustration is my imagination. I truly thank God everyday for my imagination. The place I can go when nothing is right. The atmosphere I can create when I have no place to belong to. To be the star of my own story when no one wants to hear my side of it. Keeping my imaginary pockets full since in reality everyone keeps there own pockets full thanks to my blood, sweat, and tears. Some days I say to myself .....I just won't cry, I just won't care, I just won't fuck, I just won't feel. But not even my imagination can save me from those realitys. I need to cry. I can't help but to care,  I need to fuck. But every day is a new day. And if I can just imagine myself able to do certain things.....one day it will be a reality.. Cant wait for that day to come !

[Anna Skywords]

           .                       March 28th 2016.  I've  been waching alot of Moojiji videos. Extremely helpfull!  I'm learning how not to be a slave to the destortions in my mind. And just be consciousness. It's not always easy. Because life constantly wants to remind me that I live in accordance with time. And time is so crewl and rarely dispatches mercy. I've been thinking alot about growing so strong in my consciousness that maybe I can grow passed my human urges. Wouldn't that be wonderful. 

[99th_monkey]

Forget about time, what's seeing the thoughts about time? :)

[Anna Skywords]

Not sure I feel the full spectrum of what your trying g to say ?           .                       March 28th 2016.  I've  been waching alot of Moojiji videos. Extremely helpfull!  I'm learning how not to be a slave to the destortions in my mind. And just be consciousness. It's not always easy. Because life constantly wants to remind me that I live in accordance with time. And time is so crewl and rarely dispatches mercy. I've been thinking alot about growing so strong in my consciousness that maybe I can grow passed my human urges. Wouldn't that be wonderful.