What is wrong with me?!

[Melwyn]

Hey there I am a desperate,

I don´t know what is wrong with me and i don`t even know how to start and put this stuff in words.

I would describe my current condition as emotional very unstable and that over years now.

Since i am very young there is this weird feeling inside me that I am "different" what maybe isn´t even the case but became a bit of a self-fulfilling-prophecy.

With 15 I began to play guitar like a fanatic because I couldn´t handle my family situation and needed something to escape reality. Today I play in an awesome Band

but it does not fulfill me. I think in some way I lost touch with reality(I am numb inside). Yesterday it happend again( emotional breakdown). I went with my Flat mates to a Hip Hop Party and at some point strong feeling of fear and anger overreach me. The Trigger was a guy I met I know from study. I was standing next to him and when he saw me he took his hands and shaked my head WTF. It was so awkward for me that I just left. I don´t even told anyone that I am leaving I just needed to get out of this place. 

I try to meditate constantly and practice self-love. But deep inside I feel like a piece of shit who deserves nothing.

 

Sorry for my writing skills I am not a mother-tongue speaker.

 

 

 

[Omni]

I'll try to keep my words very direct to help articulate for you so there is less lost in the partial translation.

Life is random, overwhelming at times and just weird. But it's also many many other things as well.

All these issues you have come from the same place that makes you feel like you're a 'piece of shit'. These are simply thoughts that are created in your mind, and is another form of like you say: 'escaping reality' - Are you positive your meditation technique is keeping you grounded and is increasing your awareness/alertness? What if you were to practice staying in reality instead when these issues arise, rather than running away?

Learning how to overcoming these things that you dislike directly, or head on will help you become better at dealing with them in the future. You will be able to say "Oh I've dealt with this before, not a problem."

But what do you do when you get angry?
be angry, but observe it fully.
What do you do when you are sad?
be sad, but observe it fully.

Though, maybe this is a good time to realize that going out to social areas like this aren't productive for you, or your health. - I'm not saying avoid them out of fear, but think about why you feel the way you do in these situations and understand it.

keep practicing self love and keep meditating - just observe everything you are doing very carefully.

[Melwyn]

Thank You Omni for the quick answer!

It´s kind of funny because I was expecting this answer. The thing is that intellectual speaking I know totally what you mean.(But in Practice?!)

I study psychology a lot and explore the spiritual some time now. Pinned down I think  problems arise out of an lack of Love and Compassion (to yourself, to others). No one said it is easy to self actualize! I feel it is hard for my Ego to swallow your answer   Thank you!!

 

[pluto]

You attract that because that is what you focus on. Change your focus, focus on whats right with you, i am sure you will find many more things. I suggest studying on how to DE-program the subconscious mind and similar subjects as well as all the other stuff we talk about here.. Meditation, Mindfullnes and general self actualization work ect.. The world will be new and improved in no time

and remember remove the word try and just do it. Trying does not work. Doing/Being does.

[Arman]

You are afflicted by a very rare and terminal affliction called The Human Condition  

15 hours ago, Melwyn said:

I study psychology a lot and explore the spiritual some time now. Pinned down I think  problems arise out of an lack of Love and Compassion (to yourself, to others). No one said it is easy to self actualize! I feel it is hard for my Ego to swallow your answer   Thank you!!

You are clearly mature and have a lot of potential that will take you far. Indeed, developing emotional stability and increasing self-love isn't necessarily easy, but a worthy challenge. 

The main point I would like you to consider and be aware of is that even though you feel uniquely unstable, and as though there is something very wrong with you, it is not out of the ordinary. Feeling numb, overly emotional, anxious, or thinking that you are broken are common among human beings and youth. What is less common however, is having the self-awareness and seeking attitude that you have. 

[Faceless]

 

@Arman

Self love ? Or just love ? 

Edited January 15, 2018 by Faceless

[Arman]

29 minutes ago, Faceless said:

 

@Arman

Self love ? Or just love ? 

Yes