I am scared, help

[mohdanas]

I learn about self realization and the truth about 8 months ago, I have been a deep intense and emotional person like forever, very humble and kind for my own good. I started meditating and connecting to the nature on and off. I had a strange experience like 2 months ago and today I felt the same thing but much much intense. 

My first experience happened at a friend place after smoking up. I was lying on bed and meditating in emptiness on my mind and all of a sudden I started to sink inwards, My entire existence felt like a collection of grains of sand which is sinking inwards into a hole ( Imagine placing a sandglass which is filled with sand on the top that sinks through a hole in the bottom), my breath and heartbeat was getting slower and slower, I was confused what is happening and become very scared as I was loosing myself and let it go and woke myself up. 

I had a similar experience in sleep a month ago but it was not intense. 

Tonight, I had a much more intense experience in my dream. I was in tune with energy and extremely tired before I went to bed. I was meditating as I fell asleep. The feeling of sinking came over all of a sudden and at a much intense level, the sand which was pouring inwards slowly like in sandglass was now flowing inwards like a waterfall now, I felt like I could loose myself if I dont consciously stop myself, I started analyzing what is happening, is it good or is it bad? 

I understand the teaching that for spiritual realization you gotta let yourself go, but all I felt was being sucked in complete darkness to a place that I do not even know if I would come back. I did tried to think positively and surrender but the fear was too strong, honestly I am not sure what it was, was it good or evil. So, I like really fought to woke up myself, I could see my eyes open before I woke up, I could see but I could sense the energies around me and had to fight to wake up. 

I am confused, what it was? Should I be scared or not? Is there anything evil that pulls you or it is natural? 

P.S. - The evil thoughts might stem from a faint belief that there might be some negative energy drawn to me as I feel negative force in the form of anxiety and repulsive urges towards some crucial things in life I want to do. 

 

 

[DocHoliday]

That feeling of this "implosion" or sand literally running through the sandglass, could it be comparable to the sensation of "falling whilst asleep"? I might be totally off the mark here, but from time to time there's this feeling while I'm asleep of suddenly "falling through the fabric of existence", as if I was falling into complete ungroundedness. Perhaps you experienced the same kind of thing, in which case, that's nothing you really need to worry about. 

[cetus]

@mohdanas Hi. That's your ego trying to hold you back from fully letting go. You'll find if you just observe it you will take the power out of it rendering it harmless.  Remember, it's all just mind. That's why it's called the "gateless- gate".

[Highest]

You will face darkness in the spiritual journey, you have to go beyond it. It is the ego that is afraid, overcome it and you will conquer your inner world. The best and most profound thing which can happen is that you ''die''. You have nothing to lose anyways, just a false sense of a separate self, a ''you'' which is nothing but a dream. You have to be willing to find out the truth so much that nothing else matters, even willing to die for it, only then are you ready my friend, only then will you know ultimate reality. 

[mohdanas]

12 hours ago, Highest said:

You will face darkness in the spiritual journey, you have to go beyond it. It is the ego that is afraid, overcome it and you will conquer your inner world. The best and most profound thing which can happen is that you ''die''. You have nothing to lose anyways, just a false sense of a separate self, a ''you'' which is nothing but a dream. You have to be willing to find out the truth so much that nothing else matters, even willing to die for it, only then are you ready my friend, only then will you know ultimate reality. 

I understand the depth of what you said. It is simple but so difficult. I will try to strengthen my desire and believe. Thanks Alot Mate. 

12 hours ago, DocHoliday said:

That feeling of this "implosion" or sand literally running through the sandglass, could it be comparable to the sensation of "falling whilst asleep"? I might be totally off the mark here, but from time to time there's this feeling while I'm asleep of suddenly "falling through the fabric of existence", as if I was falling into complete ungroundedness. Perhaps you experienced the same kind of thing, in which case, that's nothing you really need to worry about. 

Would you further explain your experience to me? What do you do when this happens? do you hold yourself back or if you let yourself go then what it leads to? 

 

13 hours ago, Mighty Mouse said:

No evil.

You might need some time before your system is ready to let go.

Depends also on where you are at in terms of understanding and growth, because they factor into how fearful you are.

The fear I get is for my mom, idk why I keep thinking about her whenever this happens, she is extremely emotional and if anything happens to me then she will be completely devastated. 

I can let go if it is just for me, but my responsiblities towards my mom and her love towards me hold me back. 

 

 

12 hours ago, cetus56 said:

@mohdanas Hi. That's your ego trying to hold you back from fully letting go. You'll find if you just observe it you will take the power out of it rendering it harmless.  Remember, it's all just mind. That's why it's called the "gateless- gate".

Thank you for your insight, Sir. Much Appreciated. 

[cetus]

32 minutes ago, mohdanas said:

The fear I get is for my mom, idk why I keep thinking about her whenever this happens, she is extremely emotional and if anything happens to me then she will be completely devastated. 

I can let go if it is just for me, but my responsiblities towards my mom and her love towards me hold me back. 

 

@mohdanas What do you think is going to happen that will devastate her?

I'm trying to tell you it's all in your head.

[DocHoliday]

1 hour ago, mohdanas said:

Would you further explain your experience to me? What do you do when this happens? do you hold yourself back or if you let yourself go then what it leads to?

@mohdanas I'm afraid we're not talking about the same kind of experience here, now that you elaborated on it in terms of the relation with your mother and whatnot, because that's so far away from what I tend to experience. I'm sorry that I confused you with my hastily made interpretation of your experience, because when I experience this "falling" during sleep, it's as if I would literally die and we're not even talking about ego death here...to me it feels as if, given that I totally give in to it, I will literally leave my temporary body and die physically, so I've never given into that feeling and always woken up again. 

[mohdanas]

On 1/14/2018 at 6:56 PM, DocHoliday said:

@mohdanas I'm afraid we're not talking about the same kind of experience here, now that you elaborated on it in terms of the relation with your mother and whatnot, because that's so far away from what I tend to experience. I'm sorry that I confused you with my hastily made interpretation of your experience, because when I experience this "falling" during sleep, it's as if I would literally die and we're not even talking about ego death here...to me it feels as if, given that I totally give in to it, I will literally leave my temporary body and die physically, so I've never given into that feeling and always woken up again. 

idk bro, I do not have clarity about what it was, even I did feel like I will die physically, idk how can I differentiate btw my ego mind dying or myself. This is why I thin of my mom that if I die what will she go through, otherwise I would be ready to die if that is what it takes. 

On 1/14/2018 at 5:55 PM, Mighty Mouse said:

That's not for your mom, it's for you. If you're holding on to it, it's because you're getting something out of it. That's how ego works and it's always fraudulent and fear based.

The fear isn't about anything happening to your mom, that's the pretense, it's secretly about what happens to you if you let go. Fear of being seen as a bad person, fear of losing your psychological dependencies, fear of being alone, fear of not existing.

Fear is fear and only serves one purpose: To keep you asleep. Ego has an agenda that you may not be aware of: To survive (and do note that your "heart" is part of ego and is based in fear). To get over it you have to learn to see through its game.

Thanks bro, I am working on it. 

 

[Nahm]

@mohdanas Meditate in the morning. This experience was you falling asleep. No worries.