How to stop people pleasing, and just be yourself?

[tinB]

This is literally my whole problem. I care more about other people than myself: theire wellbeing and how they are perceiving me is for some reason more important than myself! I always put other people before myself, and suppress my own emotions and instincts. 

When I have talked to someone, my mind plays the scene over and over in my head later, to make sure that what I did was "OK". If I "mess up", for example say something that offended someone, or if someone doesnt like me, its like the "end of the world" in my head (for some strange reason), so I spend all of my energy to make sure I please everybody around me. Even strangers. 
I think the reason for this is because I was very misunderstood by my parents, so I learned to adjust myself around people...

I am also a highly sensitive person, and I pick up on other peoples moods and feelings very easily, which I think makes it worse. Its like you feel a responsibility for helping a person when you know how they feel and what they need. 

I am so tired of this, yet I dont know how to stop it. Is there anyone else who have gone through this? How did you manage to stop it..? :I

[Privet]

Probably this is a result of your parents criticizing you too much in your childhood. You got used to think that you are "bad" because of this. People-pleasing behaviour is happening because you are afraid of rejection and depend on people opinions because you didn't get approval from parents, so you unconsciously seek it in other people and afraid that they will criticize you too.

Before you break the habit you have to investigate it very carefully. To do so you need to develop self-awareness by practicing mindfulness meditation. When your self-awareness will grow you will start to notice eventually how you fear rejection and critics when you interact with people, you will notice also how you are trying to appear "better" because you used to think that you are "bad" or "not good enough". How you limit yourself and can't let be foolish and silly because deep down you belive that everyone will judge.

And when you will become very aware of your behaviour and how does this make you feel you will understand that it doesn't pay and useless, so your habit will partially fall apart and partially you will prevent useless patterns of behaviour.

Also read this thread and watch this, this and this video.

 

Edited January 11, 2018 by Privet

[tinB]

4 hours ago, Privet said:

Probably this is a result of your parents criticizing you too much in your childhood. You got used to think that you are "bad" because of this. People-pleasing behaviour is happening because you are afraid of rejection and depend on people opinions because you didn't get approval from parents, so you unconsciously seek it in other people and afraid that they will criticize you too.

Before you break the habit you have to investigate it very carefully. To do so you need to develop self-awareness by practicing mindfulness meditation. When your self-awareness will grow you will start to notice eventually how you fear rejection and critics when you interact with people, you will notice also how you are trying to appear "better" because you used to think that you are "bad" or "not good enough". How you limit yourself and can't let be foolish and silly because deep down you belive that everyone will judge.

And when you will become very aware of your behaviour and how does this make you feel you will understand that it doesn't pay and useless, so your habit will partially fall apart and partially you will prevent useless patterns of behaviour.

Also read this thread and watch this, this and this video.

 

Thank you so much for responding.

Yes, you are so right about my parents. They always misunderstood my intentions and motives, and I spended (and still spend) so much energy trying to convince them otherwise. 

For example... My vision got bad when I was 17 years old, and I told my mother. She actually thought I was imagining it in my head. And after trying to convince her for a long time, she finally took me to a visual doctor, and I had -2.00. When I was in primary school I told my mother that I was feeling ill, but she didnt take it very seriously. But after convincing her, she took me to a doctor and I had pneumonia. I always got blamed when me and my sister was fighting. For example, she took my clothes without asking, and I got angry - but I was the bad one for being angry. These are just some examples.. My mother and my father always think that I am exaggerating and want attention. They also criticize me for NOTHING (negatively or in a way of joking). If I listen to music they dont listen to, if I eat different food than them, if I have a different viewpoint on things in life. If I forget to do something, they automatically believe that the reason for me doing that was because I am lazy, or dont care. They are not trying to bring me down, its just who they are (to me and other people).

As a result, I dont believe myself anymore. It is SO ingrained in my head. They always see me in the total opposite way than how I am perceiving my intentions, and I have tried so hard to make them understand me. Its like they live in a different world than me, and dont understand how to understand another person (if that makes sense). So as a result, I have become a "controlfreak", and I try to control everything. I KNOW that my parents love me and wish me good. They just have a VERY low consciousness, and dont see what they are actually doing to me. They love me, but they just dont GET ME. 

I am 25 years old now, and I have to end this madness. I have to start TRUSTING myself again. I have to accept the fact that they will never see me for who I truly am. I have to stop defending myself, and just let go! I have to be OK with people judging me. I need to stop thinking of myself the way other people do, and form my own self image.. And be more aware of why I am behaving the way I do. Its hard, but I am so tired of this shit, it is affecting everything in my life in a negative way: basically destroying my life.

Edited January 11, 2018 by tinB

[Privet]

@tinB Forgive your parents, focus on becoming better. Criticising them back is useless, you will only continue this negative loop of blaming instead of getting better and happier. It's impossible to be happy and blame.

[tinB]

7 hours ago, Privet said:

@tinB Forgive your parents, focus on becoming better. Criticising them back is useless, you will only continue this negative loop of blaming instead of getting better and happier. It's impossible to be happy and blame.

I forgive them. The problem is: I have to find a way to be okay with critizism and being misunderstood, and not feel the need to defend or change myself. I also have a problem with being happy if someone around me is not. I change my mood according to the other person. I can see now that this is because my parents didnt like if I was happy when they were not... Its like they took it personally. Im grateful that I can actually see what is going on now. I havent been aware of this at all before.. 

[Omario]

brother, i have the exact same issue down to the details. Can you msg me so i can talk to you. and discuss this???? 

[tinB]

@Omario  Sure, but Im a girl though. Haha.

[Omario]

@tinB msg me

[willybilly30]

On 1/11/2018 at 4:35 AM, Privet said:

Probably this is a result of your parents criticizing you too much in your childhood. You got used to think that you are "bad" because of this. People-pleasing behaviour is happening because you are afraid of rejection and depend on people opinions because you didn't get approval from parents, so you unconsciously seek it in other people and afraid that they will criticize you too.

Before you break the habit you have to investigate it very carefully. To do so you need to develop self-awareness by practicing mindfulness meditation. When your self-awareness will grow you will start to notice eventually how you fear rejection and critics when you interact with people, you will notice also how you are trying to appear "better" because you used to think that you are "bad" or "not good enough". How you limit yourself and can't let be foolish and silly because deep down you belive that everyone will judge.

And when you will become very aware of your behaviour and how does this make you feel you will understand that it doesn't pay and useless, so your habit will partially fall apart and partially you will prevent useless patterns of behaviour.

Also read this thread and watch this, this and this video.

 

Thank you for them links it sounds like what i need as well.

[willybilly30]

I feel the need to please people as well. I have such a hard time saying "no" .  I don't know how many times I did what i did not want to or got in trouble cause of it.  Since, I started the journal Leo talked about I been writing about my childhood seeing why i did this or what i could of done. I know one problem is I am afraid of peoples anger I think. I had a very controlling friend who I am glad has moved. My family blamed me for everything to and my sister is still a goddess to them. It is what it is I guess. I can't change them and fighting never works. Really, all you can do is change your self and remeber a quote my dad used to say "No matter what you do you will piss some one off"  

[Gabriel Antonio]

Wow... it makes perfect sense that people-pleasing stems from being criticized in childhood. 

At some point in my life, I had to distance myself from my parents and my family in general. 

I think you are right on trusting yourself again. The power lies within. It's hard to always remember that though. 

Wish you the best! And you write very well btw, OP. 

 

[nomish]

You cannot change your parents, but you have the power to change yourself. Work on that, forgive them for they no not and you are the better person. 

 

[Dessehead]

I had the same problem a while back. My parents used to belittle me because i had needs. I was often punished because i wanted something. My life was a bit fucked until i stumbled upon a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy By Robert Glover.
I recommend you to read it. It covers the whole topic in extreme detail.

[Vegan Duff]

This helped me as I had the the exact same problems and am also a HSP. Meditation has also helped a tonne because it helps you to accept yourself exactly as you are right now. Check out his self acceptance stuff too if you haven't.@tinB

[Omario]

@tinB we were supposed to talk about it. You still there?