Connecting inside

[Ruby White]

The last few days were the theater of an interesting experiment. My process started with getting so fed up with my daily job (again. That job that I thought was my life calling, the most amazing career I could ever imagine) and deciding I needed to embody simply and fully the only thing that matters to me and obsess me every single minute I’m awake : philosophy and spirituality.

I started tinkering and came up with this great idea of a YouTube channel and I started to record my daily thoughts. I have been “channeling” for pretty much ever and I do that spontaneously in most aspects of my life, especially when drawing or emphatically connecting with others. I haven't tried to reach up to “higher levels” of consciousness in good while (for reasons that would take forever to explain now), I felt it would be convenient and interesting to utilize the framework of the Aeon for channeling "higher" insights. I am not certain if I'll keep that formula or not, but I'm willing to explore it for a bit.

Earlier today I came across Leo’s article about finding your voice. It was quite inspiring. To me finding my voice is a massive struggle. Because existence is a struggle and I always felt that my visual creation was lacking dept. The only time I feel like I’m really “expressing” something it through my words and my thoughts. I realized recently, asking myself what I had to bring to the world, that the only thing I truly have to offer is my own experience and perceptions. Nothing else. I know that when I close my eyes and stop to think, I get insights and answers. Whether someone else finds is inspiring, meaningful or relevant is outside of my power. I know that I have stories to tell. Stories of things I lived and seen with my physical eyes and stories that I lived in my mind’s eye, in strange landscapes, in even stranger times. Whether it is “real” or not is not the point.

Commitment to finding my voice sounds like an amazing suggestion. In truth, I’ve never felt so terrorized in my life. Writing is safe. Drawing is safe. Rehearsing circular thoughts in my head over and over is safe. Doing video is the most intense creative exercise I ever did. On top of throwing me completely out of my comfort zone and stimulate every single learning cell of my brain (like learning adobe Premiere  in a week), I have to come up with the words on the spot (so much harder than writing) and embody my message with intent (I always sucked at acting). Then comes editing, rhythm, music, visual… Such a complete art form. Also, when I see myself on the screen, it helps me ground in the reality of this body (very important for me because I often suffer from episodes of depersonalization). It feels like i'm creating myself through the lens. Although I’ve been riding the waves of anxiety, I know I need to stick to it. I know I need to push through and hopefully witness a birthing. I feel I've been in the dark for too long.

Thank you for bearing with me through the Shift and for being a vector of introspection and change.

Ruby

Edited January 8, 2018 by Ruby White
I second thinked my anxiety attack and decided to sit with it for a bit ;)

[star ark]

Congratulations on your new path!

Don't feel anxious about being taken out of your comfort zone by making videos unless you are doing live streaming. It's that simple IMO. You can master the art of just setting up the shot and the scenery, microphone placements, making yourself look professional enough to make a good first impression on viewers. Your potential viewers would be of an open mind so most should see you for who you are and judge you on the quality of your material and not just how flashy and photogenic you are, but if you have poor audio, sudden changes in talking volume etc I would remember your youtube name and NEVER watch you again. 

That's how I consume youtube vids and I would love to watch one of yours when your done

 

[Ruby White]

@star ark Thank you star ark  Anxiety is my everyday lot, especially when I "open to energy". It's like there's bursts of it rushing in and grounding takes constant effort. I did get a few items to improve my quality. Earlier I posted my first edited vlog in the "Channeling with the Aeon" topic. I will definitely stick with it for a while and see how it develops. Let me know what you think if you like.