I am a strange loop - reality doing me (trip report)

[phoenix666]

to nicely wrap up my silent retreat I decided to take 1,5 tabs of AL LAD.

 

and oh shit did I wrap up. or rather, it wrapped up me! my mind is still buzzing and it’s all to big for my little mind and my poor language. this seriously fucked me up now. wow. 

 

what did I think? meditate here and there, go to some retreat, take some psychedelics and then I’ll figure it all out? write it down for a nice little trip report? it was all different. 

it took away the ground I was standing on.

I suddenly didn’t know anything anymore. I mean it, I didn’t know anything anymore. in a very visceral way and it was mortifying. I thought I’d lost it, again and again. it was a big series of mindfuck fucking me over and over again. every time I felt like grasping something, I was left with nothing once again.

 

it’s too big for me. with what arrogance I started into this.. I repeatedly thought: who let this little idiot play with psychedelics? who would let her do this? who would let this little kid on a journey to discover herself? like a was a little girl, getting herself in trouble and doing things wrong. and I felt like that again. 

I live in my own mind, in a fabricated web of beliefs. not even that! they’re not even my own beliefs! I felt generations of guilt and shaming. it’s a heavy burden this catholic religion, let me tell you! I felt my grandparent’s suffering. and bless them for giving me their very best.

I had a very honest and interesting experience with my mum. I suddenly realized how much pressure I put myself under. I give and I give everything that I have and I feel like I am never enough anyway. it left me crying. then I merged with my mother. I was interacting with myself the whole time. the pressure didn’t come from my parents, it came from myself.

I felt enslaved by my fears (there I was being all sure and grounded, thinking I was fearless): fear of death is real! I’ve never felt it before. and I mean it literally! I died in the process. maybe some day I can articulate it better, for now it’s all I have:

 

in the process, I had to give up myself. the beauty is, there literally is nothing to give up, no self! I am a strange loop, generating myself. I am reality interacting with itself in every moment. I am it. reality is doing me, the whole time! again and again. it was infinite. infinite moments giving birth to infinite moments. it just flew through me in a huge torrent. it left me trembling, speechless and completely in awe. I just laid there in my bed, unable to move. it felt like dying again and again. 

it is here, happening in each moment. but it’s so huge it would kill you. that’s why it’s ‚hidden‘ behind layers of distractions and beliefs. it has to! 

 

I’m still awe-struck.

watching Leo’s video about strange loops the morning before tripping? do it, but be prepared for some serious mindfuck. but who am I fooling? you can’t be. you’ll never be! it’s not something you gain and then you have it. it’s it doing you,. and you have to give yourself up again and again. 

 

I’ll try to integrate my experience. it’s all so big, but I now know that it’s all in me. we all share it, each in his own bubble. sometimes a bubble bursts and reality streams in. but there are more bubbles. there are infinite bubbles to burst! it never ends!

Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.

be kind with yourselves <3

 

[nightrider1435]

Hell of way to wrap up a retreat! I can see the significance of your experience just by the way you wrote this haha, good shit. And yeah there is no one behind those eyes........ no one!

Edited January 7, 2018 by nightrider1435

[cirkussmile]

Good!

[phoenix666]

@nightrider1435 yeah you say it I think it swept me away so thoroughly because I was still at a more open, mindful and aware state from the retreat. my mind was calmer, distractions at a bare minimum. it practically left me laying there to be cracked open!

more like eyes popping outside, wrapping around themselves and turning back inside to see their own back, peering through their own lenses. that in an infinite loop

my head is still buzzing, thanks for your words!

[Leo Gura]

Good, you've glimpsed a bit of the Absolute. But it goes deeper! Way deeper!

 

[phoenix666]

@Leo Gura can't wait for more bursting bubbles. there is fear in me as well though. something also told me to stop seeking, stop asking. I guess it's a trap? (but let's be honest, I wouldn't stop, I'm a sucker for such paradoxes!)

also thank you Leo, you've been a huge inspiration for me! 

[Nahm]

@phoenix666 So happy for you man! ?❤️

[snowleopard]

@phoenix666  Thanks again for another fascinating episode of the 'self'-perpetuating dream of emptifullness ... Getting great reviews!   

[phoenix666]

@snowleopard when you turn out to be one of those impossible beauties ..

[Lauritz]

@phoenix666 Great respect for having the guts to do that! And thanks for the report. 

Saying it is a very visceral way of not knowing anything anymore is a good description. It is basically like being ripped a part physically and then taking on all kinds of different forms, right?

 

 

[Ruby White]

Welcome to the fucked up side

[phoenix666]

@Lauritz I don't know if it was guts, I was not really prepared for something like this. it had lots bad trip vibe at the beginning.. until I surrendered. thanks though 

yeah, it strips you of everything you thought you know. and it is very physical. I knew that I've always given a lot of importance to knowledge. but it totally blew my mind how much. we rely so much on our beliefs, mistaking them for knowledge. specially with our current educational system and science based society..

 

@Ruby White I've always suspected to belong there.. now I know