Guilt destroying my life?

[Aquarius]

Ever since I was 14 I kept having this guilt about literally everything. Guilt about materialism, guilt about enjoying things, guilt about being sad sometimes, guilt about being happy sometimes. It's like every thought I have, anything I read, everything being told to me, it all triggers this guilt mechanism. It usually happens when someone says something I do not agree with, but they are more well-read than me or more experienced or it's something that I'm not ready for yet. Then I'm just harsh on myself and beat myself up, that why can't I be a "good" person in that area?. It basically paralyzes me in life. So much that sometimes I feel guilty to even brush my hair! (not literally, I still do maintain a healthy hygiene lol...)

Now I'm 20, and I started self-help, studying Leo's videos, reading articles, butI keep having severe guilt trips and I don't know why??? Could it be black-white thinking or certain dogma? Moralistic thinking? How do I get to the core of this emotion? I'm sure there are unresolved things in there but it's unlike anything I've dealt with before. It's super hidden. If this helps, I used to be the most hardcore Christian when I was 14 but it only lasted 6 months, then I was totally atheistic (until finding nonduality), but this guilt behavior continued and still continues. What could it be? 

Also, it's not always present, it comes in "waves". That's why I can have great insights, give quality advice and function well, and I'm also quite healthy, both physically and mentally, but after a while it comes back. I am curious to know where am I mistaken when this problem is present? And how come it's not always present, just sometimes? What induces it?

Thanks in advance!  

[SOUL]

It's a very simple thing with many very intricate and complex expressions of that simple thing.

The simple thing..... expectations. Guilt is an emotional response to expectations that something should be other than it is or we should do/be/done other than what was do/are/did.

The simple solution...... acceptance. Accepting things as they are and not having expectations can cease the guilt response. This frees us up to be present in the moment fully and act without the constraints of expectation/conditioning.

Of course it's rarely ever as simple as that but it can be this simple if you work on it with this simple premise and not dig into every aspect and detail... but we are diggers by nature and often can't stop ourselves from digging, can you dig it?

[Aquarius]

@SOUL You are right. Thanks for your insights, I'll think about it!

Religion has unfortunately taught me that I must meet the expectations of some higher authority/God/church/etc. And when I stopped being religious, I still kept searching for that model, that externally imposed set of values or belief systems, etc. It often comes in the form of a person I respect or an ideology. It's like I need some carved-in-stone principles to go by, or else... I don't know - else I might just be free.  Haha. Yeah I think that's it.

 

[Aquarius]

@Mighty Mouse Yeah, exactly.

[SOUL]

@Aquarius Just as emotionally triggering as the external expectations that are internalized are to our consciousness are the internally occurring expectations we externalize and even keep internally. Those internal-internal expectations can be some of the most obscured from our awareness, they often reside within our subconscious and can only sense them after they have manifest in our thoughts and emotions.

Although, from your words I can see you have some clarity of awareness already, continue to awaken your consciousness and the path for your life will be obvious.

[star ark]

You're 20 and that is the craziest age in human existence lol. I truly believe you just need ONE successful meditation experience.

Look up basics of meditation if you haven't already

Once breathing and posture is settled try and detached yourself from the emotions of your thoughts. Just be curious about your thoughts, like your a scientist studying thoughts that aren't even yours - because they are not.

If you don't successfully study your thoughts without emotion be patient, if you have to experience the emotions then be brave and focus on them until the mental pain feels like it will explode.

If this still isn't working use a mantra. "In" on the inhale "Ah" on the exhale. 

You may discover weird things, racing thoughts that aren't yours. Maybe a parent or teacher is yelling at you and in your memory you are only 8. Maybe you lied to someone, forgot consciously but subconsciously you still feel guilt for stealing a kids marble when you were 5 ( I did that and I had to work that out in meditation when I was 33 ) You may discover and actually experience what all your pseudo philosophical friends read about in their hipster texts ( while all they care about is being seen and heard talking about it and not actually experiencing ) 

 

The most important thing is to just do it, all alone, don't tell anyone or make a scene about needing stress relief or anything like that, no ego driven attention seeking stuff, just do it. I spent a decade not doing a damn thing and complaining, inventing villains, developing major spinal problems from negative thoughts creating a slumped posture, burning bridges etc. I read about self actualization whilst drinking beer and smoking weed, I would have done hours a day or this "research", every day, but I never just did the actual meditation. Then I got so desperate I did the meditation and realized I wasted about 13 years of my life.

 

[sgn]

@Aquarius This might help: https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Guilt-Blame-Finding-Self-Forgiveness-ebook/dp/B012BR35BU/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

6 hours ago, Aquarius said:

guilt about enjoying things, guilt about being sad sometimes, guilt about being happy sometimes.

You feel you don't deserve to be happy? You lack self-compassion and is perfectionistic about you and your behavior and performance?
Self-esteem issue.

6 hours ago, Aquarius said:

It usually happens when someone says something I do not agree with, but they are more well-read than me or more experienced or it's something that I'm not ready for yet. Then I'm just harsh on myself and beat myself up,

Self-esteem issue too?

 

6 hours ago, Aquarius said:

I am curious to know where am I mistaken when this problem is present? And how come it's not always present, just sometimes? What induces it?

Deep down you hold the belief that you're worthless and undeserving of happiness and love? and you often get distracted from those thought's but they have an ability to visit again and again?

[Nahm]

@Aquarius Left field maybe, but I think the guilt derives from a deep belief that we can know what others think. If you resonate with this, I’d contemplate on how we can never know what another person is thinking - even if they’re telling us right to our faces. Also, superposition is worth reading about to get at least the conceptual understanding of how no one outside of your awareness is in the form that they are in your presence. - how relative the experience of ‘them’ is to ‘you’.  I find it very freeing and clarifying. Hope you do too. If you find that helpful, quantum erasure may also be helpful to see how jut how not existing the past really is. Even what we remember ‘accurately’, is really superposition. ❤️

[Aquarius]

@star ark Thanks but I know what meditation is, I do meditate. I am so conscious that I sometimes wonder if I even have a subconscious at all, I just have it all mapped out. I didn't steal anything, I was literally a saint my whole life, I know exactly where my guilt comes from, and it's the mechanism I described above. But yes, I might need to go back to that experience when I was 14. Thanks for your reply!

@SOUL Interesting. But I wonder how could becoming religious when I was 14 increase this trigger so much that now I feel a MUST to search for that model! How do I let go?? Also wow, you're pretty good at understanding me, usually noone does.

@sgn Hmm not quite undeservingness or low self-esteem, but definitely perfectionism/ruthlessness towards myself. It's not that I feel I don't deserve love, I am more "mechanic" than that. As in, I think love, care, happiness are distractions or even bad and should be avoided, and that I should concentrate on doing the right thing no matter what even if it cost my life or well-being. Or something like that. But I don't know what is the thing I'm doing this sacrifices for, or why on Earth do I have such a radical thinking?? This is not me thinking this stuff, I'm not like this??? It doesnt feel right or true??? And I say I don't always think like this because this isn't like my real thoughts or what I would normally say. My authentic self wouldn't think like this, but for some reason I cannot let go of this internal struggle. It's like I'm searching for the Truth, but in a way where I'm asking myself what do I need to give up? Almost like the truth meant giving up everything that's important to me. That's the kind of education I got from my family. That's what I grew up in. I don't know how else to think sometimes.  I understand enlightenment concepts, yes, I had that moment when I was close to enlightenment, I felt the panic, like oh God, it's happening now, pls no... Then I distracted my ego because it was too scary. I know Truth is no-truth, and yes, I should meditate more on this, but honestly I'm not ready for it, nor do I want it, because I still have the feeling that "You must do this, it's the only important thing in the world.", and I don't like to be told what to do. I am content. Honestly if my whole house burned down I wouldn't blink an eye. That's how detached I am. Maybe I'm just confused a bit. I don't know.

@Nahm I know I cannot know what exactly the other person thinks, although I'm pretty psychic I guess.  I usually know people better than they know themselves.

I know the past doesn't exist.

[SOUL]

@Aquarius The first time our 'self' orients itself through our experience as a youth it is some of the most deeply ingrained lessons we ever get but our awareness isn't fully developed yet so we are unaware of it. So when we are working through it later in life with consciousness work we come across all sorts of stuff that may cause us to reflect 'where the heck did this come from?'

There were likely many experiences very early in life that reinforced ideas, concepts and beliefs that were given to you by others that you weren't aware of it happening, it's kind of a subliminal conditioning. It's how it happens to all of us the 'first time' our self conscious and ego is established in us as we mature and continues happening all through life even though we 'know' it.

Some may say to you that to deal with this you have to dig it all up find out every who, what, how, why, when detail about it to 'fix it'.... Though we don't have to dig into it, we may do it, but it's not a must. With awareness just observe the thoughts and emotions that rise up in your mind, let the ego bring it to mind, don't go searching for it...and yes, the ego will surely bring it...again and again.

So when the ego brings those thoughts and emotions to you that aren't what you seek for yourself don't agree or endorse them. When the ego says 'I feel guilty about this' respond with awareness 'I'm at peace with it'. It may take awhile but if you don't want the thoughts and emotions the ego brings to you don't accept them as your own, instead affirm what you seek for yourself.

There's no need to dig into every detail about how it got there, just change 'your mind' about it in the present. If you want to make it more of a forceful intent, add faith to it, have faith in the process...but even if you have no faith in the process, the repetitively affirming in the present will eventually take root in the subconscious mind and bear fruit. Eventually the ego will say, 'I am at peace with that' in reflection of the past... that you intentionally created in your present.

This is likely why those church ideas are so powerful in your psyche, any experience of ours mixed into us with faith has more 'weight' in our personal psychology. It's not that those ideas or belief are really any more crucial or important in any particular way but that added element of faith is a psychological empowerment mechanism, it also adds more force to our willful intent. So we can use 'faith' in our consciousness work to empower what we seek now.

Also be aware of the words used in consciousness work, ones like 'truth', 'good' and 'right' are triggers with very deep emotional reservoirs and are very entangled within us throughout our ideology. So when we are trying to establish new patterns if we us those words it usually leads to inner conflict since the new is often contradictory to the old, I prefer descriptive terms to the judgment ones.

These are some things I discovered are successful in my own inner work, explore your own inner life and see if they are of any use to your own work.

[Pointer]

@Aquarius wrath, pride, udhacca-kukkucca, lack of reinforcement, remorse and guilt are some of the names given for such mental state, state of affairs that are called mentally unhealthy, sins or barriers to empowerment.

this is a list of advice on how to overcome, sufaccate, get rid of this from various sources:

learning-by-doing

seeking a mentor

keep order by imposing a structure

Seek good company

avoid bad conversation

Make yourself accountable

set up goals and follow up through experimentation

practice mindfulness

Open the dan tien chakra: Meditate on the value of giving wholesome feedback

be blessed!

[star ark]

9 hours ago, Aquarius said:

@star ark Thanks but I know what meditation is, I do meditate. I am so conscious that I sometimes wonder if I even have a subconscious at all, I just have it all mapped out. I didn't steal anything, I was literally a saint my whole life, I know exactly where my guilt comes from, and it's the mechanism I described above. But yes, I might need to go back to that experience when I was 14. Thanks for your reply!

 

Well then i don't believe you've had one truly successful meditation experience focusing on this particular issue. 

Sorry I'm not trying to be mean

I can only speak from experience but when I focused on the negative thought loops in my mind and experienced the "observer" state and felt no emotions connected to those negative thought patterns I was absolutely 100% certain my pain was gone. It didn't require upkeep, it was a new awakening and I take it with me everywhere I go. 

 

[Aquarius]

@star ark You're right I didn't meditate on this yet. I will try.

@SOUL Thanks!

[Aquarius]

I actually found someone talking about this exact issue on YouTube. Most of his ideas are centered around this. He's pretty underground tho, not a big channel.

[Nahm]

@Aquarius This is gonna seem like I’m being rude as hell, but I’m hopin it reaches you in that second level or deeper awareness where the relief is, but, this....

”I know the past doesn’t exist”

Is actually not true at all. If it were, there wouldn’t be this....

Ever since I was 14......etc, etc, etc. 

The usefulness in realizing the past doesn’t exist is to be present now, without the filters & perpetuated view based on past experiences.  This is that Now Tolle’s got on lock. It’s a real mind blower, the actual Now.

You will notice this through your days with other people from now on. People almost always state the answer they need, and then the problem they are having. Like “I know it doesn’t matter but, blah blah”.   You can tell it matters, because they’re talking about it.