Proving my motivations?

[Spiral]

Backstory

My best friend seriously told me that, she feels like I'm only friends with her because she offers me food and occasional cuddles. While this is untrue and I take that as an insult. Now it's fine, I'm not angry at her or something but it's an unfair statement, imagine if your girlfriend just thought you liked her because she "cooked really well". Now you might just think ohh well she is just insecure and that's why she thinks that, nope.

Regarding food,  she has been the one to pay and to a great degree cooked the food. Yeah, sure but I've payed for her food as well and most of the time we cook together. I've even told her that she pays to much. As for cuddles sure I enjoy them and it adds to our friendship, but once again it's not why I'm friends with her. Now she wants to have a serious chat about the future of our friendship. 

I do get why she came to this conclusion though, but that's her misinterpreted something, which I can't prove. 

The story, another girl whom I don't know very well put on her snapchat story pictures of some type of food that really stood out to me. I asked her what it was and she told me, we had a little chat about it and she invited me to try it. Now I've never hung with this person before one on one, but she is kind and offered me to try. So I went to her, to try this food and hoping to have some pleasant company. I'm pretty sure she wasn't expecting anything else either. I never gave the impression I wanted anything else, nor that I was really interested in getting her to know very deeply. Now we had a fun and I would really enjoy spending  more time with her again even if this excludes food. (Although she invited me to have a similar dinner again)

I told my best friend this in less detail, because she asked. Then she got upset and made these types of assumptions about our friendship. Now you might say "girl are very emotional, you should know this by now" but she has not been this way before.

Problem

The problem is: how can I possibly prove my motivations? 

Now it's not the first time people have questioned my motives. So assume I there most be a problem with me, maybe they have a point or perhaps I don't make my motivations clear enough. Because why would I unless they ask? A lot of the time people don't understand me, which is fine. Surely some of you have the same problem(self-help and all that). As long as this lack of understanding doesn't create problems, I don't mind.

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

The problem is: how can I possibly prove my motivations?

I'm pro-gratitude and appreciation within a context. But I'm definitely anti-anyone having to "prove themselves" to anyone.

Proving yourself sets a frame that her opinion matters more than yours. It's approval chasing.

You're obviously not just using this girl. So she either gets it or she doesn't. And if she keeps bringing it up, I'd stop being friends with her because she's being selfish.

 

[Spiral]

@aurum Do be honest I do kind of feel the same way, thanks for your reply.

I do think having to lose a friend because of a false assumption is really sad.

[ElenaO]

Are you sure she has no expectations of your relationship? Maybe she actually likes you and she is just being jealous because you went to see another girl?

[NEW11]

@Spiral

You've never been in a relationship with this girl? Just "best friends"? If so, call me crazy, but it seems to me like she wants you to "take the hint". By saying "you only want food and cuddles from me" she's actually asking "are you sure you don't want more from our relationship, to take it to the next level?"

Some girls are like that, they never say straight up what they want. At least when they're young. Don't worry, when they're older they'll tell you everything that they think directly. (source: see any mother when any family member does something 'wrong' in her eyes).

Typically, a normal friend doesn't care as much whether when you're meeting you only cook together or you only do homework, or whatever. They just have fun in the time they spend with you and move on with their lives. So take the hint. Ask her up front if she wants a relationship with you.

[Spiral]

@NEW11 Yeah and she has shown interest before in more clear ways. Although I don't think it would be a lasting relationship and so I don't have much desire to invest in something that serious. I feel like I'm putting her in a bad spot if I say that.

@ElenaO She knows I have tons of "side chicks". She came up with the term(not creator)and consider herself one. I made a stupid joke about jealousy when we discussed it. I actually very common that my female friends bring up each other even though they don't hang out yet know that I do. I just assume they like gossip and stuff.

P.S I'm single so don't think there is anything unethical going on here.

Edited January 5, 2018 by Spiral

[NEW11]

@Spiral Bad spot? Tell her the truth about how you feel! Or you'd rather have her hang around, hoping against hope. and wasting her time? Yeah, sure, she might not want to hang out with you after that, but it's better to let her move on with her life, and let her find someone who wants to be with her. Let her know that she should search for someone else.

It is somewhat unethical if you know she expects something, you know that you can't give it to her, and you don't tell her: "It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek."

Edited January 6, 2018 by NEW11

[Lynnel]

@Spiral 

There is something very very very important that you need to understand.

When she said that it was only because tha'ts how she felt at this very moment => and wanted some reassurance for sure.

She didn't mean it was factually true all the freaking time.

It's not on a logical level.

All you needed to do was to say something along the lines " I like you for who you are and you feel a bit special etc" "you're not like all the other girls".

 

[Spiral]

@NEW11 I do think I've made myself clear to her before. We have casually talked about it that topic.

@Lynnel Well it's not the first time she said it, in the past I've just not seen a very serious statement. In the past I've told that's wasn't the case. This time she actually wants to meet and talk about our friendship because of this whole thing. Most likely we will have this convo tomorrow and we'll see what happens.

Currently i'm considering stopping eating and cuddling with her, and remind her of my lack of feelings. We'll see where that goes.

Edited January 6, 2018 by Spiral

[NEW11]

@Spiral Make yourself clear again. Sometimes a casual conversation is not enough. Have a serious one. And if you already had it, have one again. If you continued to hang out with her ever since you had the last conversation about this, and she felt great, she might be thinking that maybe you'll "soften up to her" or change your mind in some way. Tell her all that is on your mind, tell her what you wrote in your first post here, do not let anything go unsaid. 

Anyway, are you sure you have no feelings for this girl? I mean you came here and posted about this topic, so it's clearly an issue to you. If that happened to me, and I'd consider the girl "just a friend", I wouldn't bat an eye.

[Spiral]

@NEW11 Yeah i'll do what you said, I pretty sure I had a very minor crush on her a few months ago. At the time despite my feelings, I did not see much potential in a long term relationship. 

The reason I care so much at that it's a very meaningful friendship, all my other ones are very shallow and due to a lot of people moving away within the next few weeks (to other countries) my social circle is going to "take a hit". Also this friends is into PD and so on, so she has a lot of growth potential.

[NEW11]

@Spiral A very good friend of mine always says, "give it a try, do you want to be plagued by the 'what if' question for the rest of your life? If you do this, at least you'll know if it would've worked or not, if you don't, all you have is an assumption and maybe regrets later on". I don't know how much I agree with him. However, I will tell you a short story from one that happened to another friend:

I remember him telling me that he wants to date a girl who's just as smart or even smarter than him. He said that he could never be with a dumb girl, no matter how beautiful she'd be, because he wouldn't be able to talk anything with her or relate to her. Well... guess what. Apparently, he has plenty to talk about with a girl who can't locate Spain on the map to save her life.

You never know your own potential until you develop it. You cannot know how a person acts in a relationship until you try it out. They can act completely different, so different that it blows your mind because the "relationship" status allows them to do things that they wouldn't normally do if they were "just friends", things they wouldn't even speak about. You've got time, why not give it a go? Have a "trial relationship" for a certain period of time that you agree upon, and then see if it works or not. If it does, upgrade to premium.

[Spiral]

@NEW11 Yeah I suppose so, although I do prefer friendship.

Some sex and dating can't hurt. Maybe some flowers, she loves that stuff. Although if it doesn't work out surely the friendship will suffer afterwards .

[NEW11]

@Spiral I'm not saying that you should be with her if you don't want to. Just that if you're afraid to follow your feelings because you think this wouldn't work, that it's better for you to follow them.

Furthermore, the excuse "the friendship will suffer afterwards" is a blind excuse. As you can clearly see, the friendship already suffers, because she has feelings for you, and if you think that you'll tell her "hey, I'd prefer that we remain just friends", and then everything will come back to normal, you're kidding yourself. Once she clearly understands that there's no chance with you, she will seek someone else and pay you less attention. When she'll spend time with you she won't make all the efforts that she does now. Now she does them because she thinks they will pay off and spring a relationship. But she won't "work" when you tell her that there won't be any payment.

I've seen plenty of people say "I just want to be friends". From that day, the "friend" that they desired disappeared from their life completely. I'm not saying this will happen, merely that when she'll stop some of her efforts towards your friendship and then you may find the new friendship that you have with her is just as normal (and maybe even shallow) as every other one.

So why walk the path where you don't get to see if your feelings for her can flower and you also lose the friendship? You never win with "just friends". Again, don't get me wrong, if you don't feel anything for her, you shouldn't be with her. But do not expect that the friendship will remain just as beautiful after destroying her hopes for a relationship. This is just an unrealistic expectation.

Edited January 6, 2018 by NEW11

[Spiral]

@NEW11 I mean I can date her and be faithful to her and so on.  But I wouldn't say I have feelings for her anymore.

I was in a relationship with another girl before, not having any feeling for her either and that didn't really work out. 

Not saying I will be in a relationship with her, but it's not off the table.

[NEW11]

@Spiral Like I said, do what your feelings tell you to do. I merely wanted to remove your fears and make you aware, that every possibility plays out worse if you don't listen to them. If you had feelings for her and chose to ignore them, then the friendship would still be lost (because of the reasons I mentioned above) and the feelings would haunt you. If you don't have feelings for her, then it's easier to tell her that, even if she will suffer. If you pretend like you have feelings, then both of you will suffer far worse.

I was not pushing you to pursue this relationship, but your feelings. So if your feelings point away from her, then follow them and leave her be. However, keep this in mind: if your feelings point to some place, then even if all the fears about pursuing them come true, it's still better than of what will happen if you do not. 

[Spiral]

Well I'm not sure what I will do. If I would do, what my feelings tell me I would sleep with her.Pretty sure that's not what you meant. 

We'll see what we go from here. On the other hand she has also told me that I'm not her type and that she finds the idea of sleeping with me disgusting. Regardless of if she meant that, it's kind of mean and a unnecessary thing to say, it's not like I asked. Although she was also been in the mood on a few occasions so I suppose that might not really be true. 

Edited January 6, 2018 by Spiral

[NEW11]

Well yeah, "follow you feelings", as in "follow your heart", "follow your dreams". If you dream of being a philosopher, there's no use in taking an engineering degree just because it "looks cool", and if you dream of becoming a sage, then there's no use in gaming all day. In this situation, there are two people involved, so you have to take her feelings into account too. However, if you don't see yourself being with a girl like her, then there's no use in just sleeping with her. When I said "you have the possibility to give her a chance at a relationship", I meant getting to know each other and what both of you are like in a relationship. But do not confuse sleeping with her with the desire to have a relationship.

Sexual attraction is like appetite for food. If you want to eat healthy, you don't give in to your appetite for burgers, but you learn to develop a better appetite for better food. So yeah "follow your emotions" not your cravings.

PS: If she likes you, but doesn't want to sleep with you, she probably meant that she wouldn't just sleep with you without having a relationship with you. That may be the reason she finds the idea disgusting because the next day she would just feel "used".

Edited January 6, 2018 by NEW11

[Spiral]

@NEW11 Well let's just say that she doesn't have much problem with being with a guy only once.

She has also told me she has been unfaithful in the past, that just sounds like a world of hurt if I actually got feelings. 

I want to have her in my life, that's what my feelings tell me. It doesn't specifically how.

Edited January 6, 2018 by Spiral

[NEW11]

Then tell her that. Tell her you don't know how you feel but you want her in your life.

So you're afraid of her cheating on you? Would you still hold back if you knew she would be faithful? If the answer is "no" then maybe you want a relationship and you want to tell her "cheating is not allowed". If the answer is "yes" then maybe you don't have feelings for her, but just enjoy her company. This too shall pass, and you may find yourself just one year from now not even remembering exactly how she looked like.

However, no matter what the answer is, if cheating is an absolute "no" for you, then I'd advise you against pursuing a relationship with this girl.