Balancing Personal/Social Time

[-T8]

As I have gotten deeper into self development I have found that I need to take more time in solitude and that I have been wanting to spend less time socializing and hanging out with friends. I am currently in university and living with my girlfriend of 5 years in a small bachelor apartment and I am finding it difficult to get enough personal time (playing guitar, reading, meditating, etc.). On the other hand, my girlfriend is more extroverted than I am and she is having difficulty being alone when I am not there and as a result needs to spend more time with me. Being in such a small apartment without any rooms has made it even more challenging to get the alone time that I need. I really enjoy being with her but I am finding that she is constantly looking for more attention while I am constantly looking for more time alone. Whenever I take that time for myself I feel almost selfish for not spending as much time with her and when I do spend time with her, I sometimes feel that there is more important things to be doing than to go out to dinner or killing time watching a movie or going shopping. 

I was wondering if any of you have been through relatable situations, and what you have done to make both sides happy? Any advice would be appreciated 

 

[aurum]

@-T8

Have you tried enforcing a boundary? It sounds like you're just complying to what she wants and you haven't tried to talk to her about it or stick up for yourself.

If that is the case, realize THAT is actually the selfish move. Nobody deserves to be with someone who is only there 50%, which is what you're doing when you don't want to be there. 

[-T8]

We have talked about it, but it has never really solved the issue. I am just finding it difficult to say "I am just going to read or meditate now"  while being in the same room as each other. I feel that I don't really get that time alone when she is still in the room and it doesn't help when I know that she still would like to spend time with me.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@-T8Does your home have more than one room? Even a bathroom may give you "an office". Here are some ideas:

-Shopping, eating out, and movies are kind of the opposite of PD hobbies. Are there any more "PD-type-things" you could do together that she would also enjoy when you spend time together (such as hiking in nature, making bucket lists, etc)? Then maybe the time wont feel killed/ wasted...

-The boundary thing suggested sounds perfect! Maybe you can give her your new  schedule, times that are designated for you?... then you are not having to sneak off/ ask permission. Maybe with some additional flexibility to add more spontaneous alone time when necessary (such as a chaotic mind that needs time alone asap). 

- It may not be simply extroversion with your girlfriend, it may be like a cake baked from her personality type, a lack of her own independent hobbies/ purpose, her cultural expectations of you, and a dash of possible neediness (no offense intended, I've been there). Perhaps encouraging her goals, projects, hobbies, etc might help?

-Can you allow yourself to accept your own needs without feeling selfish? Can you find a balance where you can meet some of her expectations, while respecting that these living situations work best with an interdependent relationship? So, where you are not totally independent/ never intertwining your life with hers...and where she has a bit more independence, seeking socialization with other friends, and doing her own thing more often?

Best wishes for you!

Edited January 4, 2018 by Epiphany_Inspired
@ user

[saint_charming7]

I can really relate to this, I'm more inclined to introversion than extroversion. I experienced something similar with past relationships, and I ended up messing up because my partners could not understand this part of me, and the stuff I was working on. One of the things I learned from these past experiences, it was that I didn't communicate clearly to my ex-girlfriends what I was feeling and the kind of person I am, and in the end we would end up breaking up because of our differences. So, I think is important to practice communication, maybe she can get to know you better and you guys can make a deal (i.e: like an agreement of certain periods of the day where you be alone to do your activities). But, lastly I think is important to be flexible as well, maybe you should try sometimes to do her stuff and open up a bit to her extroversion (with baby steps) I believe you can find some positive aspects on this. 

Good luck and best wishes!

[Spiral]

She needs more friends, if she has a bunch of friends to go shopping with for instance, you won't have to.

You should do something together once in a while in my option like, go for a walk, cuddle up with a movie or make a nice dinner together.

If you're  always hanging out the relationship gets boring.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Spiral

[-T8]

Thanks for all of the awesome tips! I will be sure to try them out.

[HII]

On ‎03‎.‎01‎.‎2018 at 9:18 PM, -T8 said:

I sometimes feel that there is more important things to be doing than to go out to dinner or killing time watching a movie or going shopping. 

Going out to dinner is a waste of money, killing time watching a movie is suicide of your higher self, going shopping (I assume you're talking about buying clothes) is killing humanity. Don't make this into a "she wants X, but I want Y, so we have to negotiate, because that's what people do when they're in a relationship" kind of thing. If she wants to spend time with you, find something that is worth doing and don't give in to doing harmful nonsense because she can't come up with proper activities.

Maybe slight modifications of her proposals would already work. For example, you could try to find the healthiest restaurants and try them out for dinner and research and learn about health together in that process; really dive deep into what are good movies and why, and selecting ones with the goal of being enriched as a human being by the experience of watching the movie, instead of just killing time with it; going to fleemarkets, second hand shops, ethical clothing companies, modifying old clothes you already have, making clothes yourself; reflecting about why she feels the need to do some particular thing with you and question that together.

On the other side, you can propose that you would like to meditate together and tell each other about your experiences afterwards; read a chapter from a different book each and talk about what's written in there; learning guitar together. There are PD techniques that work particularly well with a second person, e.g. image streaming.

Do you still feel like you would need more time alone if you picture your time together more like this? Maybe yes, but if you can influence your relationship more in this direction, she will probably understand better why that is important to you and might develop more of a need to spend time alone for herself.

[HII]

On ‎04‎.‎01‎.‎2018 at 5:34 PM, saint_charming7 said:

I didn't communicate clearly to my ex-girlfriends what I was feeling and the kind of person I am

This!

Also, @saint_charming7, reflect on whether your "introversion" is nothing but a symptom of this exact problem that you probably don't just have with your ex-girlfriends! I have a thread investigating this question.

[saint_charming7]

@HII awesome, thank you. I will look into it!