Benjamin Jackson

An Unpredictable Account of an Unpredictable Year

97 posts in this topic

55. March

I often find that when I reflect on a period of time, it both seems like it has passed in the blink of an eye and across an eternity, with no in between. This is definitely the case when I think back over the month of March, it's been a really eventful one with many memorable experiences. Firstly, the theme of my life this month seems to have been 'preparing for the future'. Either that or that theme becomes more and more intense as the months go by towards my graduation from university - I think this is something time will begin to tell. This month, though, has seen me begin to search for both summer jobs and longer-term part time jobs. Unfortunately I've just found out today that the place where I wanted to work as an ideal 'part-time' job can't have me as I can't make the interview (as is exactly what happened last summer). While this is quite frustrating as I had pinned quite a few hopes on working somewhere like that, my experiences of job hunting this month have shown me that it is possible for me to find somewhere, hopefully.

On top of this, I taught my first cello lesson - and this is the kind of work that I want to do long term as I really feel as if it's my calling in life. Just from that one experience, I was able to understand that I definitely had enough skill in this area as well as feel even more motivated to make this part of my future. So yes, this month has been full of money worries and my life still is, but I am going to pursue this sense of drive that I seem to have accumulated career-wise this month as well as continuing to work on my mind and the idea of value. I've had a few exciting ideas about how I could independently create my own product in line with my key values, which should be interesting to explore over the next couple of months in addition to being keen to seek out new music pupils and find somewhere to work where I can be of value in an everyday sort of way. 

I also had one of the most memorable trips away ever with my boyfriend this month, and despite at the end of February saying that I was going to try and journal every day in March, realistically this was not going to be possible - however in terms of mindfulness, this month has been proof to me that a) it's possible to be mindful in a number of unexpected ways and that b) it's possible to keep ploughing on even through some very strange and potentially testing times. In fact, it's been this month in particular where a number of things have happened that could have really set me off being stressed or worried quite badly, but I haven't allowed this to happen. Sure, I've felt these things from time to time but I've found myself ever more able to deal with things and move on. This holiday with my boyfriend has also shown me how in the right company and in the right mindset, a mindful existence really is a possibility, which is really exciting. 

Based on what I've said above, it's pretty obvious what I am going to be focussing on in April. But the other important aspect of my life is my academic work at university. I submitted my dissertation this month, which felt great, however I've noticed increasingly how my mind seems to want to focus more on preparing for the future. It's hard to find that balance between being present with what I'm working on now and working on what I'll need to have come May. The mindsets involved in everything I've described, though, can map onto my academic studies. For example, with a new found drive, I've taken some action to increase my productivity. After doing some research, I made my phone black and white and removed all 'perpetual scrolling' and social media apps from direct view on my home screen. This eliminates the areas of my phone that allow me to become 'addicted' or distracted by bright colours or no endpoint to scrolling sucking me in. The more I can find out about little subtle ways to chance things about my lifestyle like this - the better. And this sort of attitude should help me with the rest of the semester - as I am just realising how much work there is left to do in my degree in what is quite a short space of time.

What I've been listening to:

 

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56. Empathy

I think it's safe to say that I have grown in empathy recently. While I do think that empathy is, despite how it may sometimes seem, an innate part of being human, there are and certainly have been times in my life where I've lacked empathy. A lack in empathy to me could be one of two things, firstly it could be just a lack of anything, no awareness of another person's emotional state. Secondly, it could be an awareness along with a disregard of someone's perspective and emotional state. The first, you could argue, is passive, while the second is more active. Either way, both can lead to unnecessary tension and resistance. Interestingly though, empathy and understanding of another might mean that there is still initially some tension and resistance as the the *other* party comes to terms with how they're actually feeling, but an empathetic viewpoint always prospers in the end. 

With a true desire to understand how other people are perceiving a situation and feeling, a mutual understanding is fostered, a sense of humans working together rather than competing, in the end. The great thing about empathy is that it's highly contagious. Be empathetic to one person, and they are more likely to reciprocate. Practise this enough times and this can become a normal part of relationships. There is also, and this is why I am writing about this topic today, the possibility to in a way be empathetic towards yourself. There is a lot to be said for listening to yourself as you would another person, and this is something I try to put into practise as I meditate. To break down the barriers to your own feelings and your own resistance allows you do be able to do the same towards others. As RuPaul might say, 'if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?'. But I also think that self and other empathy work reciprocally together. Sure, if you break down those barriers to yourself, it allows you to do the same with others, but also working on loving and being empathetic towards others is a great practise which allows you to apply the same principals to your own self understanding. 

Viewing the two approaches as working together has allowed me to see the nature of empathy in a far more holistic way. It's not just about single interactions with others and trying to be understanding, it's about having a motivation to a more general understanding, one which includes both yourself and other people. Obviously this is really difficult to be mindful of 100% of the time, as are most things, but it definitely does seem worth keeping in mind. Other people are, after all, the vast majority of the population of planet Earth. 

What I've been listening to:

 

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57. Intensive Work

I've just been away on a week of intensive orchestra rehearsals ready for a concert tomorrow. This has been with an orchestra I've been playing with for a few years now, and have for the first time been given the chance to lead the section - not only that but during a very awesome but very difficult piece. As always, the rehearsal course has taught me so many valuable things and been really beneficial, but it hasn't been without its frustrations. As the work is so intense, it can almost begin to appear as if musical success (ie a successful performance) is the be all and end all of life. As such, some tricky intra-section politics occurred with some resentment towards me simply for leading, almost resulting in me not being able to have the chance to do so again (in summer, I will 'graduate' from the orchestra as I will be too old for it, making it my final chance). However, I think I dealt with the situation well and wasn't in the wrong myself. There was also the added frustration of the piece I was leading not being rehearsed adequately, which I had perceived as 'unfair'. On a call to my boyfriend earlier in the week, talking about how much I wanted the chance to lead again showed how much it meant to me, and I came to realise why this was the case.

Even three and a half years ago when I joined this orchestra I felt as if I'd never be able to lead the section as I wasn't a good enough musician, but since the opportunity arose and it was my final chance, something made me go for it. After having some experience this week, knowing that I was fully prepared and feeling extremely able made me realise that all that had been getting in the way of my ability and opportunities was my own perception of myself.  Once I'd started working hard in preparation, I began to believe that I could do it, and the actually doing of it this week was proof! The concert, however, is yet to take place. However, the goal has already been fulfilled, in a way.

A lot of intensive work can seem stressful and definitely tiring at times, but learning to appreciate even the journey and the improvement this gives has been a great experience for me. Here's hoping the concert cements these feelings, but even if it doesn't, I will still allow myself feel content and pleased with the work I've put in. If anything, this week has increased my drive to work extremely hard on music in the rest of my life.

What I've been listening to:

Check out the concert programme if you have time, they're all very different pieces but only written within a few years of each other :

Brahms - Academic Festival Overture
Strauss - Death and Transfiguration
Elgar - Enigma Variations

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58. 'Desired' Outcome?

So did it all go OK? Did I get what I wanted? Was that even what it was all about? What was the outcome I desired?

Well, I've been practising really hard recently at really adopting the belief that what will be will indeed be, be that in a positive or negative situation. If things go badly, that happened for a reason and there is still a lot I can take away from that experience. If things go well, I'd be able to enjoy them and take away what I'd learned. Of course, I had my frustrations during the process this time around but the performance itself went the best I could have hoped for. But that's not what was important - that was just what we were told we were aiming for. This experience, one in which I spent a lot of time and energy putting myself out there in a way I never had before, allowed me to feel more confidence in myself as a musician in a brand new way. I thoroughly enjoyed something I never thought I'd be capable of - and that's what I really want to take away.

But here's the thing - when people say that they hope something such as a concert goes well, what do they really mean? What does that constitute? I would say, on the surface and also on many levels, yes, it went well. As far as I was aware, the music was played largely accurately and with conviction, together and relatively in tune. All good. And as far as I could tell the experience was enjoyable and meaningful to performers and audience alike. Was it perfect? By no means. Was it ever going to be? By no means. Is anything ever perfect? By no means. Well... I say that... it depends how you define perfect.

As an example, even though I enjoyed ever minute of performing, I was very aware of things that I was doing that could be improved on. Why would I focus on that? Well, it's certainly not so that I can beat myself up about them later - it was actually all in the vein of what the whole week had been about - improving as a musician. So, for example, when I began playing the first (shortish) piece, I noticed that the hand holding my bow was very tense. This did cause me a few technical problems, but only really ones I'd have noticed. Past me might have used this as an excuse not to feel content with his performance as there was something awry. Now, however, noticing this about my playing actually added to the experience, as even in performance I was able to clock how to get even better. So yes, if I were to repeat the concert there are things I would change, but that doesn't mean I would change what happened or have any regrets. In fact, I'd say the concert was one of the most fulfilling and educational experiences of my life so far. 

I think perhaps as musicians we place far too much emphasis on perfection and accuracy - even musicality - and place far too little emphasis on experience and the benefits of constantly learning. In aiming for perfection, we aim for something impossible. In aiming for improvement we make constant successes of ourselves.

What I've been listening to:

 

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59. My Plate

I feel like I probably have quite a lot on my plate at the moment. People often use that expression to validate feelings of stress and being overwhelmed, but I am determined not to let that happen as a long term issue. Yes, sometimes I do feel like that and I did spend a while today feeling like that, however, I'm finding new ways to allow my default position, as it were, to be otherwise. This afternoon, for example, I felt a little overwhelmed. I had a plan of what I needed to do (I have a lot of uni work to do in a relatively short space of time) but was waylaid as I remembered that I had to curate the programme for a concert I'll be in next month, which involved contacting composers and all sorts of people. After I'd done that, I was running out of time to do what I wanted to do (so didn't to what I wanted to do to as great an extent as I wanted - still with me?) and what with my family expecting me to help with meal preparation as well, things all got a bit much.

It never ended up being a problem though - and it's in situations like these that I'm starting to realise just how far I've come. Once upon a time I may have kicked off or allowed myself to feel so stressed that nothing of what I wanted to get done got done at all, thus perpetuating the belief that I can't get things done that I want to get done. *breathes*. As it happened, I found new and inventive ways of completing today's tasks. Instead of practising a contemporary cello piece for an hour, I managed to do about 30 mins of actual playing and then worked through my sheet music, highlighting points of interest and different colours/dynamics that I needed to produce with different highlighters. This means that next time when I sit down to play, what I need to be playing will be far more clear to me and I will very probably have a much more productive practise session. 

So actually, when I have a lot on my plate, I am learning that I can make it work to my advantage in some respects. Sure, there are steps a person can take to make sure they have just the right amount of stuff on their plate so that they are achieving just the right amount of things by putting in just the right amount of work and it balancing perfectly in their lifestyle, but that's not always how it works. With uni, and with family circumstances, much of this is out of my control at the moment anyway, so it feels good to reflect on it and explore ways through it in a positive way.

What I've been listening to:

 

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60. Balance

I have just been watching some stand up from one of my favourite comedians, James Acaster. In it, he talks about the pose that everyone does when they have their photo taken in front of the leaning tower of Pisa. You know, the one where they are pretending to lean against it and hold it up, but it's all a perspective trick. For some reason, during my meditation straight afterwards, that image stayed with me. I began to realise that in a sense, that was how I was feeling. I've just arrived back at uni for just over a month's worth of very solid work before the work for my degree is all over for good. In a way, although I felt like I was ready for it, I was really feeling ready to push against it, to try and prop it all up by falling in the opposite direction. 

And so, as per usual, this brought me to the idea of resistance. The minute that something you are resisting can be fully accepted, the less uncomfortable it becomes, and this is something I've been starting to really get the hang of over the last year or so. However, it's the spotting it in the first place that's the real challenge. Once I'd realised that I had an image of me 'tacking' the next few weeks head on, and tried to change that to a more immersive, open minded and holistic image, my feeling about what I had to do changed. And this is to me a great example of how balance can be found. 

When I was struggling with anxiety as a real ongoing issue (quite a while ago now, I'm pleased to say) I would often try to remind myself that I was not my feelings, and that they did not dictate or define me in any way. After a while, I began to really take this on board, and it's been great advice which I continue to remind myself of today. On the flip side, there's not being aware of your feelings or emotions at all due to distractions or just an unwillingness, be it conscious or subconscious, to face up to them in any way. It's so easy to sit on one side and view the other as bad without realising the potential damage of where you are yourself. For example, if I had an assignment to do, I could be stressing out a lot about it (the side I tend to naturally gravitate towards, if I'm honest), and the recurring thought of 'well I really can't afford to get distracted from this' reinforcing that stress somewhat. On the other hand, I could be putting the assignment off, not getting anything done at all with the recurring thought of 'well I really can't afford to get stressed out by this', which would only reinforce my situation. Balance, then, is rather apparently the place somewhere in the middle.

The interesting thing I've noticed about balance is that yes, it is a fine line sometimes. But when we seek it, we often set out with the intention of finding that fine line. We look really hard. And I'm not all that convinced that that's the best approach. After all, in physics, balance is something that occurs naturally, often without having to look for it. As we are walking around living out daily lives, there are many angles we could lean our bodies towards which would lead to us falling over and being unbalanced, but for those of us who can, we normally stay upright without putting too much thought into it, even though the majority of bodily angle options would suggest that more often than not, we'd fall over.

I think it might be quite similar when looking at the mindsets I discussed above. Instead of over-analysing our situation, and instead of ignoring it, there's a sense of awareness between the two states which I think, if we let it (and we hardly ever do) the mind might gravitate towards more naturally. Resistance might push us one way or another, but recognising that resistance is key to accepting our natural and balanced position. Instead of trying to desperately prop ourselves up, or something we're dealing with, perhaps standing and being is the answer, even when the tower looks like it might be about to fall on you. After all, it's never fallen yet.

What I've been listening to:

 

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61. My Place

There are a number of things I identify as, and I try to live truly to all of them. This morning, after a thought provoking conversation with my boyfriend last night about the role of gay pride events and how we might (or might not) relate to them and resonate with their purpose, having never been to one I decided to ask one of my close friends what it's actually like to go to one, as I knew they were passionate about LGBT culture. My conversation with them kind of stressed me out if I'm honest, as they were very keen to point out how serious matters were, and that without things such as equal rights movements, people have died for a number of reasons. I then began to feel as though I had a massive responsibility to help with this cause, having not even really worked out my place in all of this. Suffice to say, I was quite confused an overwhelmed.

I tried sitting and contemplating on the matter, but as my mind was so busy, this didn't seem to be getting me anywhere, merely highlighting the confusion. So, for the first time, I tried writing down thoughts as I had them on my computer. Now, I know that putting things into words can oversimplify situations, but it was an attempt at merely ordering and understanding my own thoughts. I ended up with about a three page document about what I'd been thinking, in order. There was a lot on there, but on closer inspection the topics I covered and what my thoughts were about them were relatively simple. There were still unanswered questions and things I wasn't sure of, but if there weren't, where would be the fun in that? 

One of the most striking things to come out of this exercise was that I personally didn't feel as though going to, for example, a gay pride event would help me personally in any way - but after having heard stories and done a bit of research this morning I realised that the reason why I'd be interested in going in the first place was for the sake of other people. Now, I know it's important to focus on yourself more than others, but I began to realise that, as my purpose in life seems to me at this moment to be helping and facilitating people realise their skills and love themselves for what they are and can do, I realised that having been through shame myself over sexuality, I was in a good position to incorporate this into my vision of how I might be able to help people. 

My place doesn't need to be pre-defined in cultures and conventions that already exist, but studying them, learning about them and being aware of them can facilitate understanding of my own individual role to play. Sure, I've made no commitments or even conclusions yet, but I've been pointed down an unexpected path - one which somewhere inside me has excited me and seems to fit with everything I already knew about myself. Moments and revelations like this are exciting, and I'm intrigued to see where it might take me next. 

What I've been listening to:

 

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62. Two Sides of the Same Coin

Yesterday I began a ten day course of meditating with the aim of examining perspective, and how it might be possible to perceive the same things you see day in, day out in new ways. This kind of thing encourages intrigue and open-mindedness, and I've found even during the course of a single day that, when I remember to be aware in a way which opens my perception to more things, there really is a lot that can feel wondrous and exciting that you might not expect. It was explained to me using the analogy of imagining that whenever you walk down the same street that you do every day, that you're on holiday and everything is new. 

However, on the flip side of this good practise is the vulnerability that it seems to have opened me up to. As it was anyway, I knew I was going to have a very busy and potentially quite pressurised few weeks. On top of this, a session in uni this morning ended up providing me with more work than I had bargained for. Coupling all of this with a heightened awareness and it was very easy to feel overwhelmed and over-faced, especially as today was the first day back, meaning that everything I had to do and all of my responsibilities began to become apparent to me in practical ways, and all at once. 

The two things are two sides of the same coin. Awareness can lead to overwhelm. It all leads back to what I was saying a few days ago about balance, and finding that mid-point, but another area which has been on my mind recently has been this idea of opposites, and how they come together. When I was discovering my stance on the LGBT community yesterday, I realised that my greatest strength - my desire to help others - was also in a way may greatest weakness, as if I feel I am not doing a good enough job, this can lead to anxiety, worry and self - doubt, the things I've struggled with the most. It's like Superman and Kryptonite, and I think everyone has their Kryptonite, and I think everyone's Kryptonite is a direct result of their super power. The key, I believe, is balance. It's not about blotting out your strengths for fear that they make you too vulnerable to harm, or may harm you themselves, it's about being aware of the two sides of the coin that come with it, and trying to embrace the duality of it. Goodness is only goodness because it has an opposite. It just depends on which side of the coin you choose to show to the rest of the world, and probably most importantly, to yourself. 

What I've been listening to:

 

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63. Enjoying the Moment

My word, I really am a busy bee at the moment! In fact, I've almost resigned myself to the fact that this is the busiest I've been so far in my life - what's keeping me going is knowing that around four weeks from now I'll have a lot to be proud of, hopefully. Suffice to say, the last two days have been full of ups and downs. Old issues from last term have arisen, I've had to take on a lot of responsibilities as well as continue with my work, I've had doubts about my abilities as well as moments when I've felt quite the opposite. I know I have a lot to do, that's a given - but it's about whether I let my perception of this cause overwhelm or not. 

I spent the entire day out of the house and in uni today, and by about lunch time, with so much on my mind to do, I began to almost panic about my workload, as well as the fact that later in the day I had a rehearsal which a lot of people had dropped out of, which had stressed me out too. To my past self's surprise, though, when I was actually at this rehearsal, even though attendance was poor, I somehow managed to really enjoy the moment. It wasn't the most productive rehearsal, but we (myself being a manager) managed to keep everyone happy and actually have a laugh. Perhaps it was something to do with the fact that while I was there, there was nothing else that I even could be doing - so I had no choice but to enjoy the moment. Or perhaps, after a day of stressing, my subconscious had settled with the fact that it had no choice but to take one thing at a time. 

The work and occasional struggle will continue, but I have no reminded myself that it's possible to enjoy the moment, even at times when you think that it's the least likely moment to be able to enjoy. I must keep reminding myself that although there will be many things to do and perhaps many stresses, there will also be many of these moments and opportunities over the next few weeks.

What I've been listening to:

 

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64. On Discomfort

My shins and my legs hurt and so does my left ear. This is because I worked very hard yesterday doing something I enjoy at Opera North - working backstage at a gig. For some reason, in that environment, the stresses (such as being given a massive shopping list for the artists an hour before they arrive) that I might presume would cause me a little bit of a panic don't seem to phase me as much. Perhaps it's because in this environment, I have a more clear sense of purpose. It's interesting to note that with that sense of direction, things that may seem 'bad' in everyday life become something that clearly serves a beneficial purpose. I think this is an important lesson in life - finding purpose can lead to a healthier perspective of the minutiae of everything else. When difficulties arise within the continued context of something larger, they don't need to be resisted as much.

So basically, what I'm saying is that discomfort isn't all that it seems. Spending a day at home today with my nice but relatively messy housemates has forced me to think about this. One particular moment today involving a raw chickeny knife left on the dining table (which of course did cause a little panic and frustration) has reminded me that there are two approaches one can take to discomfort. Firstly, you can try to do something about it so that you're not as uncomfortable (you can move and clean the chicken knife). Secondly, though, and perhaps more importantly, you can learn to accept it. I think in society today there's perhaps too much emphasis on the first one, and not enough on the second. Both definitely have their place, but through trying to apply the second ideal to my life, I've come to realise the use of being 'ok' with the situation you're dealt. 

Discomfort can also be a sign of progress. After an intense workout, you're bound to ache. The same can be said mentally. When you've worked really hard at something or really focussed on your state of mind, the immediate aftermath may be mental discomfort. So as I start to recover from the few aches and tirednesses that have come from working especially hard, I'm trying to remember that it directly represents that something good and worthwhile has been done. Doing this good and worthwhile thing often means that the following discomfort becomes lesser with each repetition. I remember when I first joined university, getting trains used to stress me out. Now that I'm doing it pretty much every other week, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I've done my workouts, and dealt with the discomfort until it's all within my capabilities without a second thought. So as I'm sitting here now aware of the potential of discomfort but not feeling it especially, it seems like a great time to remind myself that it's all for a good cause. 

What I've been listening to:

 

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65. Dominating Mindsets

Written yesterday while travelling.

I’m not sure if you may have gathered from reading past posts on here, but my uni work really is very full on at the moment. In fact, I’m not ashamed to say that it’s stressing me out a fair bit. However, on Friday I received a mark that I’m really pleased with for a VERY hefty piece of work that counts for a lot of my overall grade, and I also travelled to my boyfriend’s to spend the weekend together, watch him do his thing in a show and celebrate half a year together! This is all, and was all, really great stuff. 

When I arrived on the Friday, I was exhausted and even felt a little bit ill, and this feeling continued well into the evening. It was only by the following evening that it began to fade, and I realised just how much these physical symptoms accompanied a stressful mindset. What I also noticed was just how long it took for this mindset and these feelings to disappear, even once I’d removed myself from the situations causing them and the pressure had been lifted. Now that I’m on the train back to university for another two solid weeks of work, that mindset and those feelings are coming back in some form (as well as, thankfully, a massive feeling of relief and happiness, as well as a renewed mindfulness which I can only conclude must be as a result of spending the weekend with my boyfriend, as this is often the case!). 

It’s really odd, then, that this exhaustion, the desire to focus on work and the stress that comes with it seems to be the dominant mindset, that lingers after the fact, and comes into focus before it. Although I was looking forward to this weekend, the positive feelings it produced didn’t arrive before the weekend did. And although I will still feel them afterwards, there’s a different mindset trying to fight its way into view.

What I think might be happening here is that it’s possible to think and feel contrasting things at the same time, and that the brain likes to wallow in the ones it has had the most practise at (i.e., the negative ones). So, what we may feel is a mindset or a state of being that is dominating us might actually be one of many that is present at that present moment - it’s just that the brain is magnetised to it as it’s the easiest one to adopt to. Not most pleasant, but best practised (especially in the given situation at uni), perhaps.

As these final two weeks begin to test me in new ways and ask new things of me, it’s important for me to remember that stressed is not the only way I could be feeling. On paper, I know that it’s an exciting time, time to show what I’m really made of. Old brainy wants there to be a different story. The good news is, it’s not my brain that’s living this life. It’s not my ego, it’s all of me. 

What I’ve been listening to:

 

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66. April

What a month (when is it ever not?) - if I had to sum it up simply, I'd say it's been a month of almost non-stop hard work. In the earlier part of the month, this hard work was intense, and then almost immediately had a pay-off. Perhaps I can learn from that with the hard work I'm doing at the moment. The payoff is not quite as immediate, but it's sure to be worth it once it comes along! It's also worth remembering, after I realised this at the start of the month, that it's not actually about the outcome at all, but about the process. If I am to attach a desired version of events as an outcome to the work I'm doing now, I am limiting the power of what I'm doing, and almost setting myself up to be disappointed. 

This is hard, because at the moment it feels like task after task, but there are moments of reprieve and chance to relax. It's my job now, for the next two weeks and the first half of the next month, to try to find the value in what I'm doing as I'm doing it, rather than waiting for the end to come around. In fact, next month is going to be the month I finish university forever! It's both scary and exciting. As much as I'm looking forward to some rest in between the occasional rehearsals I'll still have, I know it's important to set my sights to my future next month - looking for jobs, looking for pupils to teach etc... 

But for now, in the present moment, the lesson learned from April is relatively simple. Enjoy the moment, even if it's hard work - even if there's a lot going on. The outcome is not the be all and end all of existence. Neither, in fact, is the process - it is just part of what is happening to me. Who I am remains the same, and pretty soon, I reckon I'll have a lot to be proud of.

What I've been listening to:

 

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67. Something to be Proud of

Part of my work over the past few weeks has been practise and rehearsal for a contemporary music gig that was assessed. Although it didn't actually carry that much weight in terms of my actual degree, it was a very big challenge for me initially as I had never done anything like it. The first bit of music for it that I received looked almost impossible, and I spent many fraught hours in practise rooms wondering whether I'd actually be able to manage this or not. As such, the concert (which took place yesterday) provided me with not just an academic goal, but a personal one. It was time to prove to myself that I could do something 'impossible' if I put my mind to it. And my word, that I did.

Yes, it took up a lot of my time. Yes, it caused a fair bit of stress. Yes, there were frequent moments when I doubted my abilities. But here I am, having performed probably my best yet in something I would have never dreamed of doing. The music isn't to everyone's taste - in fact it didn't used to be to mine! But work and involvement helped to change that. Here's the thing, all this so-called 'trouble' it caused me in my life was actually what made the experience so worthwhile. Not only did I manage to do well, but I learned skills and most importantly acquired new confidence levels that will now stay with me for life. The work isn't fully over yet (although in a week, I will have finished my degree!), but yesterday's concert is a prime example of something to be proud of. It's something that has shown me that hard work really can be worth it, even more so than I could have contemplated.

So here it is, I've linked the video below. Fair warning, the opening 25 minutes are extremely bizarre, but it gets steadily more tame from then on in. Also, the mix isn't great for me, as I wasn't amplified or near any microphones, and the cello is relatively quiet in comparison to other instruments. In real life, though, I believe I could be heard a little more. Of course, contemporary music is not to many people's tastes, but I hope some of the beauty, complexity and challenges seem apparent. The pieces were certainly creative, and very rewarding to play. And all but one were world premiers!

What I've been playing:

https://livestream.com/uol/LSTwo-18/videos/174359581

 

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68. Nearly There

I'm so close to completing something momentous. Not only does this mean I'm really feeling the effects of three years' hard work, but I can look forward to that final gratification. It's an exciting and significant time, but it's also rather terrifying. Along with finishing my studies comes the urgent need to find my purpose for my everyday life after I've got my degree. I was home during the bank holiday and felt a lot of pressure from family members to apply for part-time jobs to help fund my life. Not as a main career or mainstay, but just for something to give me enough funds to find a place to live and be in the right place for the right kind of work. Now, I totally get this, and when I was offered an interview it was quite exciting. However, pretty soon afterwards it felt like I was about to give up my last chunk of truly free time, which felt a bit scary. 

But here's the thing, what even is free time? All the days that I've been looking forward to because they contained 'time off' have actually been the least fulfilling and, therefore, the least relaxing. I think it's great to take time to breathe, and meditate, and just kind of let your mind stop whirring, but doing things I enjoy is what I'd be doing in my 'time off' anyway! So I sat down, and tried to make a plan of my life. I gave myself 7 areas to work on, kind of like school subjects or university modules. I set out long-term aims for each one and put them in to a proposed guess at a weekly timetable. And guess what, there was loads of time for it, and I'd be making good money too! Win win!

Here's the thing, then. I'm nearly there, yes. But nearly where? The end of something? If my thought processes are anything to go by recently, this couldn't be further than the truth. I'm nearly at the start of something new, not the end of something old. Yes, I am gonna feel so pleased and rewarded once this work is over and I have a properly good qualification under my belt. But why am I even studying it if not to enable me to start new things. I'm not studying a degree so that I can enjoy not studying it any more, I'm studying it so that I can use it later in life. It's been a massive investment of time, money and energy, but I've learned so much throughout the process, both about the subject and myself. It's nearly over, but the learning and the living has only just started.

What I've been listening to:

 

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69. A New Chapter

The day before my final presentation I was very nervous, as would be expected. What was unexpected, at least for me, was the reason why. I'd done presentations before and of course they are nerve-wracking, especially if they're assessed, but there was another layer of nervousness above all that. Nervousness about the next chapter of my life and the responsibility that comes with it. In fact, I'd go as far as to say this wasn't nervousness at all - it was downright fear. 

Needless to say, the moment I'd finished my work I did allow myself to relax for two days, had some fun at the cinema and casually had a play around with some compositional ideas. I did nothing in particular, but I think the rest did me good and gave me some time to recharge. Today, however, I had to step up again. Not quite to the same extent as I was doing last week, but enough so that I could be productive. Needless to say, this was very difficult. I have a 20 minute solo piece (composed by me) to play in a concert on Friday, which is daunting as it is, but then to couple this with the fact that my brain seemed to be in 'off' mode meant that it was very challenging. After some initial practise, I got into the swing of things, but I must admit that my efforts to work on a composition for a competition were not up to scratch today. I think it's all about momentum, so during this week I am going to try and explore different ways of re-building and sustaining momentum for this new part of my life in a way which is long-term efficient. That is to say, I don't need to feel constantly stressed out (anxiety was the cause of a lot of the momentum I had during first and second years at university) but constantly driven. This, and I know from watching others go through it, is one of the most difficult things a person can do. 

It's also made all the more difficult by the fact that I still have a few things left around uni life before I can properly start anew, and there's very much going to be a lot of overlap. No summer holidays for me! But this will, I think, ultimately for the best in terms of maintaining momentum. As I said in my previous post, it's about chilling with the moment rather than finding a moment to chill, as that always ends up feeling far less fulfilling. So the coming months might be a bit all over the place, with overlaps of old and new, but maintaining the best bits of what I've learned this year should help me. There's be no 'turning a new page', it won't be as clean as that, but a new and, ultimately, very different chapter in my life is about to begin.

What I've been listening to:

 

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70. Lessons Learned

Ooft, it has been a while hasn't it? Sorry about that. I have been, as I would have myself believe 'taking a break', but really, that's not an excuse. Of course, I spend a good few days chilling earlier in the month, but then I had the chance to perform a cello suite that I had composed this year. It took me by surprise in listening back to the performance what I actually sounded like, and what the piece sounded like - it was more impressive than I had bargained for to be honest! I had spent so long caught up in the composition of it and practising it that I hadn't really given myself credit for my own abilities. One of the most important lessons learned from this though, for me, was that practise does indeed make perfect. Now, I knew this before, but experiencing it really brought it home. I practised so hard and yet again had something to be proud of under my belt.

But the mental journey was not over yet - oh no - after a weekend of concerts and rehearsals, I was set to go home for that job interview I mentioned previously. Instead of feeling nervous like I normally do I seemed to develop a kind of 'dead inside' approach, where I didn't really feel anything to some degree. Part of me was experiencing those classic nerves, but there was again much more to it - I had realised that the job I was going for was how I was going to be spending a good proportion of my time and creating 'value' with, but it wasn't what I really wanted to do. After some deep conversations with my ever patient boyfriend I decided to go in the end - and the experience was again much more pleasant than I had bargained for (there's a pattern emerging here). I have realised that it just needs to be a way of earning enough to live on without giving it too much dedication - as that's yet to come on what truly matters! The amount that I enjoyed writing and performing my suite really gave me a boost in terms of what I could be working on next, and how I could be making a living from it.

I also spent almost an entire day sat in the bank because a lot went wrong with my account that weekend. After a big break, all of these things and thoughts did seem a little bit overwhelming, but as I have come to realise, or perhaps more accurately - remember, it was not these things themselves that were causing me to feel off, it was how I was choosing to view and interpret them, and lo and behold, throughout all of this, I had not been spending time meditating or reflecting properly on my own feelings, experiences and self-development. In fact, I've just finished meditating now, and in turn that has lead me to want to write a journal. I don't think that's a coincidence - writing down events and trying to create something tangible to track my personal development is something that will come naturally after some contemplation and meditation. And as you might be able to tell from the frequency of journal articles this month, that perhaps needs to happen a fair bit more. The lesson, I think, has been learned. And it all goes back to point number one - practise makes perfect. This might, in fact, be the most important lesson I've learned and truly understood from my university studies. It sounds simple, I know, but to learn it in such a deep way is something that will definitely stay with me. I must continue to practise meditation and reflection so that I am better equipped to deal with these new experiences that I will be facing and the emotional side of what comes with them.

What I've been writing and playing:

 

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71. May

What a biggie! 

I started this month pretty much stressed beyond belief with a lot of work to do, and gradually completed each task. Every single one was something I could never have dreamed of doing three years ago, and I'm so proud of myself. I'm yet to hear how I actually did in my uni work, but I am still so pleased with all of my progress and how it all turned out.

There was also something brewing beneath the surface of all this: the rest of my life. After a bit of stress initially, I was finally able to knuckle down and get thinking in the latter half of the month, as well as giving myself time to relax. This has been really beneficial, as last weekend at my boyfriends I had a very bleak moment where I really felt hopeless, but together we formulated a plan that I feel can work - now I just need to do it! I'm going to focus on earning some money and paying off my debts in order to pursue the real dream - with that dream in mind, saving and working hard should feel easier, as I have a target. I'm nervous about what the next few weeks might bring as I move out of my uni city for good (the location of which is pretty obvious now) and start a new job.

Also, as the month ends (and I feel like I might say this pretty often) my relationship with my boyfriend feels deeper than ever. He's off on holiday now for half of June, with little connection to the outside world. This will be difficult, as he has been my rock through all the turbulence I've felt this year and especially now as things are changing more noticeably than ever. What I need to remember though is that everything I've achieved has come from within me, and I can do it again. It will be a great chance to really cement that belief. But damn, I will miss him. 

So then, June. A month of change. New jobs, moving back home, making some investments and road trips. It's gonna be another biggie I feel. There will be almost no routine as things end and new things begin - but it's gonna happen, and I'm gonna happen to it! Reading all of this back now, I can't believe I have finally reached this stage of my life.

What I've been listening to:

 

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72. It Never Ends!

I told you this journal would be unpredictable. I really should start getting more regular with it... the problem is - the responsibilities of life never seem to end! I have now finally moved out of university for good, and as my boyfriend would say, it's time to shift that mindset from getting good grades to earning a living! This is such a daunting process and it can be quite scary. Ideally, I want to be doing music 24/7, but at the moment I have a fundraising job to get out of my overdraft. It was beginning to reach the point where I felt as if I'd never find the work I really wanted to be doing, but then today I had a great experience which has helped change my perspective a bit, at least for now...

So the job's been tough so far - doable, but tough. I've told myself that by the time I go away on orchestra tour in 5 weeks, I will re-evaluate my position there, and I should have earned almost enough to clear my overdraft. Today, however, I spoke to my old cello teacher who has informed me that it will be entirely possible to get teaching work through the local music hub, which was really encouraging. Furthermore, people I know keep referring me to other people, so that I'm actually building up some kind of clientele! This has lead me to have the target of quitting my job soon after I get back from my tour, taking on as many pupils as I can and then eventually moving to live with my boyfriend! It's a daunting task, and it's going to be full of risk, but it's worth doing right now and seizing the moment - as it's what will fulfil me the most.

Throughout this it's important that I don't forget to be mindful of myself. Throughout this changing routine it's been difficult to keep any kind of schedule, let alone a meditation plan. But this is something I really need to prioritise somehow, as it will help keep me grounded in what really matters so that my mind doesn't run away with overwhelm, worry, or the minutiae of whatever work I am currently doing. I need to remember that I am here for a reason, and that that is how I will gain contentment - simply be being present with that purpose and allowing it to happen. This sounds difficult right now, so I think more regular meditation will certainly help!

 

What I've been listening to:

 

 

 

Edited by Benjamin Jackson

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73. Quitting

So, after all that, I quit my job. I found it far too difficult for so many reasons, but here's the basis of it all - instead of the fear of my ego dying and my actual self beginning to take shape, I felt my actual self dying and my ego being trained to take control. Taking advantage of vulnerable people for donations or encountering rude, abusive people is not something which builds anybody up. Add to that the stress of travelling so far and the exhaustion and pressure - and it just felt wrong. Sure, I needed the money, but not as much as I needed to remain true to myself. As a result, I sit here now having had time to sort my life out a little bit more after uni. I've tidied up, unpacked, set some potential future job opportunities in things I actually feel motivated to do that will build myself and others up - and I've also spent some more time with the people I love. 

So perhaps quitting isn't always a bad thing. As I found earlier this year with my driving lessons, getting out of a bad situation, even if there aren't the best immediate consequences, is perhaps the best course of action. My boss really wanted to make me feel as if I hadn't been resilient enough, but why should I be resilient when what I'm achieving goes against what I stand for? Had I continued at the job, I would have been resiliently avoiding and resisting my true purpose. I knew it was time to go already, because even though I was doing well, it didn't seem in the least bit rewarding. 

So it's not really quitting, simply moving on and making the decision to do something else, and I'm looking forward to seeing where that will go. In such a massive time of change in my life I think it's important that I guide it where I want it to go, rather than let it guide me. 

What I've been listening to:
 

 

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74. June

Past me might have thought that June would have been a month of relaxation and finally a chance to unwind. Nope. It turns out June was probably the hardest month of the year so far! I spent the first week of it alone in my uni home going slightly insane, the second getting very stressed about starting a new job, the third getting very stressed about the job and quitting it, and the fourth was where I finally started to notice my life getting on a new and exciting track. So, all in all, three weeks isn't a bad turn around - to be totally honest. 

What's more, the fruits of the last year of labour have really paid off - I'll be graduating with a first in July as well as a special certificate of commendation for the area of my studies I was most worried about - that contemporary ensemble performance! This means that in every single year of my uni studies I've received recognition for exceptionally high grades and I've even won a named award. As my boyfriend put it (and I'll take it) 'that is how you boss a music degree'.

But here's the thing - that was easy compared to what's next. I have to set up a living for myself. It's not going to be easy, but I spent some time this last weekend creating new ways to plan the next stages of my life to make sure I am doing everything I need to be doing. I've created a list of targets and goals and broken them down into achievable aims - things I can write on a to-do list. It means I have a practical list of things to be getting on with. And while it's still all up in the air at the moment, especially as I am meant to be meeting people and teaching people that keep cancelling and postponing on me, I must remind myself that it will come in time. I spent a lot of the last few months worrying about money, but I'm starting to see it come together slowly. The same will be said for establishing a routine and regular work - at least I hope so.

I also had a bit of a time thinking about death this month, which kinda wasn't pleasant. I was thinking a lot about losing those that I love, and how I have to remember that nothing is promised or certain, anything could happen at any moment. This really upset me to begin with as, well, it's not nice to hear, but to be honest, it can be a good source of motivation, and looked at in the right way, it means that every day can be seized. SO - for July, I have the chance to do that. I'll be going away at the end of the month, but before then I have the task ahead of me to live my life in the best way possible. No pressure, then ;)

What I've been listening to:

 

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