I'm so lost.

[Driven62]

 Hi,

I'm writing this in need of help and advice. I've watched Leo's videos on YouTube. He seems knowledgeable and genuine and so does this little community. It seems like people here genuinely want to help people and have empathy for others coming on here.

My issue I think in a nutshell is an intense fear of being ridiculed. It obviously affects my social life and oddly enough affects the ability to drive out of my comfort zone. I only drive within this small 5 mile radius. If I even think of driving out of that area I get immediate stomach butterfly feelings, labored breathing, dry mouth, shaking hands, etc. Same goes if I think about putting myself out there and joining a club or something to meet people. These physical feelings prevent me from doing these things. The result of this? Getting up, going to work, come home and wait to go to bed. I want a life. I want a girlfriend. I want hobbies and interests.

I've tried hypnosis with countless hypnotherapists, NLP phone sessions, countless self help methods, etc. I can honestly say the thing that has made the most sense to me is present moment living. The whole concept seems like it solves so many issues all at once. However, as hard as I have tried I just can't get into it for more than small amount of time. I'll be all gung ho about it for a day and then drift away from it the next day.

 

I also have an issue wrapping my head around the concept of how do I work on my confidence and live in the mindful lifestyle at the same time. I know an huge increase in confidence will help but aren't you supposed to eliminate your ego if you want to be present? I don't get it. Please help with any advice.

I guess my question to you guys would be...what would you do if you were in my situation? Try to do an combination of NLP for my confidence and present moment thinking? 

 

[lens]

Fear is there to keep you still,  "it's too risk to try new things, you might get hurt, STOP!"

Next time fear arrives try to pin point its exact moment and its cause and trace it back. How come you are scared of X and not Y?

because....   go really deep into it, don't stop until you feel like you know 100% why.

now even if you know its origins not letting it control you will be hard, the key is not to get rid of fear, it is there for a reason, the key is not to let it stop you from living your life. Don't go to places expecting that fear will not be there, it will always be even if just a little. The more you say "i want fear to leave" the more it will want to stay. Now here is the really scary part, you know that feeling telling you to not do those things? yeah, do it. Go to the places you want to go, but don't force yourself to not feel the fear, it's only by facing it that you might overcome it. Eventually you will get used to it and you will notice your fear going down or say to it self "why am i scared of this again?". Don't jump straight into the rabbit hole though, let yourself slowly adapt.

you are not going to get over your problems from one day to the other. It takes patience and courage. Also therapy might help you, but only actually doing it is what will enable you to do what you want, sucks doesn't it?

Also the ego isn't evil, it is the character everyone is playing wether we like it or not. You know when you are watching a series and you want that character's life to go for the better? that's kind of like that, you are literally a character, why shouldn't you want to improve? you can be aware of the present moment and confident, imo it's kind of the samething, it's not going over board, it's going like "oh, it's just a play, a very very illusory confusing play, so let's play"

[Leo Gura]

@Driven62 If I were you, I wouldn't wait for nonduality to fix that. I would self-reflect or use a therapist/coach type person to help me investigate the root source of the fear. When did I develop it? Where did it come from? Why is it there? This is a shadow work -type of issue.

And then, I would try to expose myself to more ridicule in real life (trying to stay mindful while it is happening). Pickup can be great for that if you are a dude. Try walking up to a hot girl with your fly unzipped and tell her you want to make babies with her.

[egoless]

6 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Driven62 If I were you, I wouldn't wait for nonduality to fix that. I would self-reflect or use a therapist/coach type person to help me investigate the root source of the fear. When did I develop it? Where did it come from? Why is it there? This is a shadow work -type of issue.

And then, I would try to expose myself to more ridicule in real life (trying to stay mindful while it is happening). Pickup can be great for that if you are a dude. Try walking up to a hot girl with your fly unzipped and tell her you want to make babies with her.

What did you smoke Leo  

[Ian]

Hi,

I'm writing this in a humble attempt to provide you with help and advice. Everybody has a different path to follow, so I understand the need to tread carefully. I do not pretend to have the best advice - this is merely a perspective that you may or may not resonate with. Follow the guidance that makes you feel more relaxed and more energized when you read it.

You have identified an intense fear of being ridiculed as a problem for you. I cannot know whether your conclusion is correct, but I will honour your current understanding. In more general terms, this is a type of feeling unsafe. Therefore, a useful  primary intention would be to realize that you are always safe, or at least far safer than you currently feel. For now, it's probably best if I let you explore this idea - you can always ask again later if you need more guidance.

It is a common misconception that fear needs to be overcome before doing things. In general, fear never really goes away. The default solution to fear is to cultivate enough courage that it outweighs the fear. Therefore, a useful secondary intention would be to look into ways to increase your levels of courage.

Another thing you might want to explore is your assumption that your actions can even change the outcomes of your life. Admittedly, this is a 'deeper' topic of exploration (the question of fate), but it could be fruitful, and provide some level of peace.

And naturally, if you're not currently doing a meditation practice, it is indeed the single most powerful thing anybody can do at the start of their self-actualization journey. However, don't beat yourself up if it's just not happening for you - you will start exactly when you are ready, and no sooner.

You don't have to believe this, but it may be of comfort to you to know that your journey is unfolding in exactly the way that will bring you to your highest potential. If you can live your life with an attitude of "so how is this aspect of my life helping me to evolve?" rather than "omg, this is awful and I want it to go away", you will find your life to be a lot less painful.

In the event that these words resonated with you, I would be most honoured to chat with you further.

I acknowledge your pain, and your deepest struggles. Know that you are truly a brave and beautiful person. May you be blessed with steadfast courage and the strength to love yourself unconditionally.

[snowleopard]

@Driven62  I can also empathise with this state. The key to resolving fear is getting at the underlying core beliefs upon which it is based -- the most fundamental such belief being the one of the segregated self-identity, around which all the other beliefs revolve. And if that most fundamental one is dispelled, then the others will also be loosened up and  eventually come into awareness. So no matter which method is used, whether it be some conventional therapy, or some alternative, whether it be with another's guidance, or on one's own, it must involve the deep inquiry into those core beliefs subconsciously entrenched in the shadow.  However, if this were easy, then clearly millions of therapists and gurus would be soon out of work. For various reasons, certain methods of inquiry may work better for some than others, so if one is not working, then try another method. Because as long as those core beliefs remain then the fear will too.

[cetus]

@Driven62 You gotta let go and trust. What are fears? Imaginary projections into the future, right? Illusions.

Or give naked sky diving a try. Face fear and humiliation all at the same time by jumping out of a plane bare ass at 10,000 ft. That should cure you quick!

[MM1988]

On 2.1.2018 at 1:17 AM, Leo Gura said:

@Driven62

And then, I would try to expose myself to more ridicule in real life (trying to stay mindful while it is happening). Pickup can be great for that if you are a dude. Try walking up to a hot girl with your fly unzipped and tell her you want to make babies with her.

I usually am not against radical advice, but I think this is very selfish. Why would you want to creep out a random girl just because you have to overcome some issues? Do something stupid in a public place instead, some people may even find it funny and it lightens up their day.

[krazzer]

@Driven62 this video helped me a lot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZm4B4foybM&t=5s

Also, make a list of things you fear. Rate them from 1 to 10, where 10 is what you fear most.

Now start doing the thing you fear the least. Each fear you overcome empowers you. Work your way up this way. Take your time, don't rush it. 

If the thing you fear the least is still too scary, then do only a small part of it, even if it sounds ridiculous. For example, if you fear driving a car, then just go sit in it and fasten your seatbelt, sit for a minute and step out again, not even starting the car. That's it. The next day you take it one step further.

[Dodo]

@Driven62

The root of all fear is identification with content. Try to see you're the empty point of knowing of your experience and not exclusively the bodymind you take yourself to be.

This will give you more space within and you will stop caring so much about outer things.

This can fix your problem in 2 ways :

1) You might find out that the simplicity of your life is a feature rather than a bug.

2) You will have more of a third eye view on things and they won't look so scary anymore. 

I speak from experience,  because before I was suffering from constantly running through my mind that people are judging me for my skin problem. Now, that thought doesn't even appear in my mind.