My baggage problems

[quicker_than_purple]

Hey everyone on the interwebs. 

I have to ventilate since well, it will be explained in the end of the over simplified version of my life if you wish to read it. Its not special by any means and my writing style might make make some of you explode but...

Ps. English is not my native language...

 

Age 1-6
Indoor kid watching whs tapes and tv, playing with toys, being with my parents, going to the water park with my dad and cousin, bullied at pre school, being so naive and having no social skills that i'm being taken advantage of neighbor kids when trying to play with them.

Age 7-12
Moved to a better school without bullying, people want to hang with me after school for some time, i realice that life has no meaning and everything i do is pointless, depression starts,  problems with studies starts, school kids find me weird and dont want to be with me anymore, begin smoking.

Age 13-17
Feel hollow inside, finally someone wants to hang with me after school, being at youth centers all day, meet another guy that toke more than anyone there, start smoking weed with him and eventually taking psychedelics and a variety of other drugs, being depressed i know its extra risky but i dont care about my self, im being bullied again but dont understand that its hapening becuse simultaneously im with people i can laugh and smoke with.
I had one friend from school i hanged with alone outside from youth centers that i feel i could talk to about personal stuff, now i'm with youth criminals that knows my naivety, they make me steal and burn cars and push me around all the time, i saw nothing wrong with that.
School eventually caught on that i smoke reefer and call in my dad, he was furious, he was ashamed of me and forbid me from being outside, i wanted to die and so i tried comiting suicide after the meeting, didn't work, being let loose ouside again the cycle of getting caught repeats itself several times, sober for a while i finally invinte the girl i like home to me and we chill, after that i feelt even more empty and confused and didnt talk to her anymore, im a wreck and just wanted to die, get diagnosed with depression at 14, talk with a psychologist for a while, don't see any improvements so i get antidepressants prescribed, eventually i feel the effects, im a somewhat happy soul less doll now. 
Outside again i return to my self destructive ways, but now its synthetic cannabis, was more of a wreck than ever, sent to rehab for youths by social services and parents, i agreed to it as well, everyone there smuggeld in synthetic cannabis, was a outcast there too since a stole there product, its realy addictive so yeah, 8 months later i get out since im 18 and could decide for my self, parents dont know ive been using all that time.

Age 18-19
I decided i would quit antidepressants since i was didn't feel real anymore, a soul less doll if you will, more down i was but real i felt, now i try school again, once again i return to my self destructive ways, leaving positive urine samples all the time since the school already knew about my habits, i quit school, get sign in to a government internship kinda thing going from place to place where people is needed for shit jobs, land one where i get a good enough salary and regular work hours, i feel like i have some purpose, work college is a nerd like me so that's nice, still hanging with that one friend from high school, he has a girlfriend now so we tooke at her place very often, life feels a little better, they break up.
I and other friend of his get called over by my friends ex, she told us the shit he actually thought about us, we both were shocked, we were shown texts he had sent to her about me and the other guy, he sent a text a week later witch i didnt answer to, he never called or texted me again, guessing he figured out or were told by her what he had said about us two his ex told us the shit he hade been saying behinde our backs, i honesly dont know.

Age 20-21 (pressent day)
I moved from home still working the same job, the job was on a time limit and it was over, i live on the government, my dad gave me a number a work college had given him to a hypnotherapist, the sessions were expensive but seems too made me be able to forgive my self and the people that hurt my in my past, but still i feel gloom, started studying to finish my gymnasium grades but i have cancelled that becuse one day when i helped my dad paint there cabin i remebered how much i enjoyed painting, i just got accepted to the school and will start there soon and hopefully it will be fun to learn something for one's outside from regular school.

I stumbled upon Leo's videos on youtube one day and find his videos interesting since ive been an abstarct thinker my whole life but brushed it off until i saw one pop up on my recommended feed again, watched them weekly, signed up on his website, bought the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and it was like i switch in my head had flipped and i was no longer feeling sad or lonely anymore, i was happy being alive and doing good for my self and my family, i didnt need anything else i tought, so i started eating even healthier than i alredy was and working out too, walking up straight, looked people in the eyes when walking in town and smiling. I saw beauty in the world for once instead of darkness and despair.The Voice inside my head that keeped talking down to me where gone so i stopped smoking weed, stoped vaping, still working on the porn but i cant stop feeling good being alive for the first time in my life.

 

I saw Leo's video "How to raise rockstar kids" today and it hit right in the feels and i became hollow inside, took down the drapes and layd in my beed in darkness feeling nothing again. I deccied to share my nutshell version of my life instead of digging my self a new hole again. Its seems to have helped. I feel again, somehow but everything still dosent fell right.

I need to start meditating.

Inspiration...

[Shin]

I'm happy for you, keep going

[pierreb]

Hey man...  I wanted to send some support. I'm seeing a few things in your writing that you could think about: 1 - you loved painting.  Think about that. What is it that you liked? The order? The steps? The process? those small things can give you meaning. 2- The meditation. I have been studying mindfulness for 2 years and it has helped me in a big way to deal with depression. I meditate daily 10-20-30 minutes. It is a lifetime of practice and I look forward to it now. It gives me that balance I need. 3 - The video about rockstar kids - what got you down? It probably triggered some negative feelings from the past. Remember the past is the past. You can't change it. you can only change how you see it. The meaning is still there for you, so you have to find a way to change that meaning. 

I would recommend two things as a friend and stranger: 1- Go and listen to some Alan Watts talks. He's amazing. All over youtube.  2- Go and do Jordan Peterson's Past-Authoring course. it's very cheap and will change your life. Watch his videos too. Start with 'Clean Your Room.'

I hope this helps.