Lack of Friends

[kieranperez]

I know @Leo Gura already has a video on loneliness (which I watch often) but man... I really don't have friends anymore and I know it's a side effect from my meditation work and stuff but damn... It hurts knowing you don't really have friends anymore. My social circle has been dwindling over the years and now I pretty much don't have one anymore. I spend my days just sitting around meditating, training, etc. I also notice I struggle balancing all that I learn from doing this work with being able to connect with people out in the world. Maybe some of you can relate with this? Like, this work is changing me and I don't even know how to really engage with people anymore without having shallow conversations and stuff which turn me off so much that I actual can see that I avoid people now.

I know from experience just how much relationships and friendships don't cure anything to a very painful degree. I can't tell you how many times I got the attention I would crave at time and then be totally turned off once I got it. How I'd be so disgusted and unfulfilled and would feel like I'm selling myself out once I made into the cool parties and was with the popular people and stuff because I see it for what it is. However, I do want a quality relationship and some new friends... 

Does anyone have tips for making new higher quality friends starting from basically ground zero? I will say I have a good advantage though since I live here in the heart of San Francisco, CA.

[onacloudynight]

@kieranperez I know how you feel. I am in the exact same boat. Although my desire for friends has basically almost disappeared. I still have a desire for intimate relationships though.

Once you have raised your consciousness to a certain degree, most people simply aren't going to be able to understand where you are coming from, because they are no where near your level yet.

If you want to make friends, start joining clubs, go to yoga classes, talk to random people on the street, go to coffee shops, talk to employees at a store, talk to your neighbors etc. People are everywhere! It really isn't that hard to make friends. Just talk to people everywhere you go. The whole world is your friend! Just realize that no human being will ever fulfill you.

Edited January 1, 2018 by onacloudynight

[kieranperez]

True but what about when it comes to pursuing an authentic deep relationship? I walk down the street and I see some couples and of course I feel the classic envy. Not that I assume their relationship is amazing as I think a lot of know that most relationships are shit but, it's just seeing with my own eyes a loving relationship before me still makes me feel sad cause I don't connect with anyone at all. I feel like my meditation practice alone has caused me to isolate myself more and more and I don't want to disrupt that process but man... I feel like I can't relate to girls when I try to flirt anymore.

[onacloudynight]

@kieranperez The reason you feel sad when you see people in a relationship is because you are still identified with an ego. Here is a good reframe: Whenever you see a couple walking down the street instead of focusing your attention on your perceived lack of connection with people, focus it on the couple and take joy in the fact that two fellow human beings look happy together. Their happiness is also your happiness

Edited January 1, 2018 by onacloudynight

[Huginn]

I've had a similar thing going on, except I don't feel so bad about it anymore. Just now, I've been with my family on new years eve and each of my brothers went out partying just afterwards. I can feel the social approval from my parents, my "lonerness" and see thoughts about how bad I must have it. But I'm much quicker than before to see those for what they are, constructs of the mind, myths, utter bullshit. I'm quick to remember my connectedness to my core and see the superficiality of all this cultural stuff. I stop envying everyone because I know I'm true to myself and moving in accordance with my core (values, vision etc.).

Now, a part of my values/vision does have connection to people at its core. But I know this connection is not that which is typically promoted at parties with heavy drinking etc. So I'm in a similar situation. I don't really have any meaningful relationships aside from my family. I'm okay with that and so can you. Your pain is caused by wanting reality and yourself to be something it's not. So I think the key is connecting to what you really want and dismiss all the cultural programming. You may know that, but you're not "in it" day to day, living it. I see couples quite often, I see comparisons to myself rise up, I'm not like them in a relationship, and instead of envy, I see and accept the reality and myself for what it is, because I'm living my vision and nothing is more valuable and important than that to me.

So, these are not really tips for how to meet new friends, but rather how one can cope with loneliness. Really, I've tried in the past to cope with this the same way you do, meet new people, but I just meet heavy resistance in myself when I do that with the focus on just releaving my loneliness. So, in the end, I just gave up on that, because clearly I don't want that, even if I thought I did (but really was just being puppeteered by an illusion of the mind). It has been a while since I gave that up, some 7 months now or more. I feel it released some energy to better connect with myself and reach a deeper level of self-acceptance. Being better connected with my values, I've become very unwilling to connect with anyone on any terms other than that align with my values and vision. For example, when I talk to people, I've noticed how I've become incredibly intolerant of bullshit that just doesn't align with what I'm going for, in myself and my connections. I've become more honest, speaking exactly about what's on my mind about things I care about without caring what others might think. I think this is the result of detaching from the desperate and illusory need to connect and be accepted and liked. When you think about it, this is exactly the attitude you need to get the connections you ultimately want. With this attitude, you will repel those that are not a good fit with you and attract those that are.

I've not made new relationships yet, so can't give anything concrete on that, but I just felt I needed to address your thinking process here. I think your focus would be better spent on what you really want to be doing aside from engaging in relationships. Then you're able to more truly express yourself without really giving a crap whether a relationship will form or not. Once you naturally start to spend more time with others, because it has to do with what you really want to be doing, relationships with them will start to form. They'll be high quality because it's based upon genuine connection through a shared activity, not neediness.

Ok, I hope this is somewhat organized. It's just a flow of thought. Admittedly, I've little experience in relationship building, but I just know in my heart that I'm telling the truth. I'm confident the right relationships for me will form through this process.

[Huginn]

One other thought.

Just imagine yourself as a young kid. Do you remember worrying about not having friends? I don't. Friendships just spontaneously happened, because I was doing some fun activity that others wanted to do too. "I'm gonna play with some Lego", "Me too", "I'd rather draw a picture". There's no "Let's be friends", "Ok!", "Yey, fun being friends huh", "sure is", "doomdeedum....yup, so what now?".