I'm uncertain about my experiences

[lens]

I have had a couple of experiences that completly blew my mind off the first time i had them

I only became trully conscious of the ego ilusion when I was looking at myself in a mirror  after months and months of meditating. I noticed i couldn't recognize my face anymore, as in, yeah there was an image but that image was not me. i had only understood partially what ego death was like till then, not fully. I looked at my hand and started asking who was doing the observing and i went at it for a minutes, when i noticed there was no one home i went into imediate shock followed by a whole hour of euphoria and laughter. I was absolutely amazed at reality, like i understood at least 00000,1% of it, i felt an immense love and started crying tears of joy (i hugged a wall, it was weird but surprisigly warm). my head kept trying to distract me by bringing up my fears and regrets but i realized none of that mattered, like 100% certantiny that was just mental masturbation. there is no me, it is, i'm it! i'm everything!

Unfortuanely i couldn't stay into that for too long and eventually felt back with the ego a bit. A few months later i'm having an episode of sadness, i can't explain why, i wake up feeling horrible for no reason and even though the day that it happened in was actually pretty good day i felt alone and devastated, i couldn't explain why. I layed down in my bed and started questioning these feelings i have so frequently and it went on a loop of

"I don't like life, it's too hard, too many questions, too many hardships, too many responsibilities"

but i started to suspect why i felt like that, eventually i got even deeper into my questioning, because i was literally confused at my own emotions. my day was great, nothing bad had happened for months, and yet there i was creating my own problems, i started to answer my own questions with the first things that appeared in my head, and everytime something came out first it was exactly what i needed to hear. eventually i realized that all of those feeling i was having where literally distractions, and i got scared because i noticed they were distracting me from a bigger fear/regret i was hidding but wasn't aware of. I stood still scared and i realized what was trully causing me suffering, i was distracting myself because truth was I missed being one with everything, i was sad I had become so separate from god. I missed truth, I missed all of us. It felt like for a second i had absorbed the grief of everyone and started experiencing it. I started crying like never before as i became conscious of all the things we do to eachother, easily hating one another and most of the time going out of our way to justify the hate. I felt love like before, but this time it wasn't love like "'it's all good man" it was like a mother watching her kids grow up to all hate eachother and becoming serial killers, i was sad for everything and everyone, from that day the concept of unconditional love has not left me. I feel a huge sympaty for people, even when someone upsets me i cannot bring myself to hate anyone, even those who wronged me in the past, as much as the ego wants them to "get it" i cannot bring myself to hate.

I also recently learned something about the distractions, my fears, rational and irrational. I saw @Azrael's latest post about conversing with your emotions and I gave it a try, and as i started to question my fear this time around things got tense, like i was going to die from it. I literally cannot sit stil for a day, like every day I have to think about life, about my purpose, about my friends, about my dreams, about my beliefs, about my "truths" and I realized fear was strongly connected to it. I started questioning my fear and it felt like i was interrogating a criminal who was super nervous. Fear told me that the only way i can learn/grow is through it, it kept yelling with me saying that it was the one thing i should count on, because it was fear of existence that made me change as a person. I searched more, I became more intelligent, I became more compassionate, I made new friends, GREAT friends, I started to work hard and show results because of fear, but the things is i'm done. I couldn't hear it anymore, i'm just tired. Everyday of my life i feel like i need to learn something new, and this desire for knowledge has been with me as long as i can remenber, my uncle even called me out on it (for the wrong reasons but still) he thinks i'm reflecting too much, researching too much and according to him someone at my age shouldn't be so deep at life yet. I like learning like everyone else, i just hate this sense of MUST. I want to do all of the things i'm doing and more without fear to be my "motivator", without feeling like i need to. I just want to live life.

 

and that's why i'm confused, should I stop trying to research about life and reality? Should I turn a blind eye? I don't mean to live ignorantly, i mean, should I just be and not WANT to go over stuff? if life is trully meanigless and we give our meaning it feels like that's what i should be doing, one of my biggest fears is to live a long life with a lot of wisdom but with fear still controling me. Should I give up on enlightment? 

[Nahm]

22 minutes ago, lens said:

I have had a couple of experiences that completly blew my mind off the first time i had them

I only became trully conscious of the ego ilusion when I was looking at myself in a mirror  after months and months of meditating. I noticed i couldn't recognize my face anymore, as in, yeah there was an image but that image was not me. i had only understood partially what ego death was like till then, not fully. I looked at my hand and started asking who was doing the observing and i went at it for a minutes, when i noticed there was no one home i went into imediate shock followed by a whole hour of euphoria and laughter. I was absolutely amazed at reality, like i understood at least 00000,1% of it, i felt an immense love and started crying tears of joy (i hugged a wall, it was weird but surprisigly warm). my head kept trying to distract me by bringing up my fears and regrets but i realized none of that mattered, like 100% certantiny that was just mental masturbation. there is no me, it is, i'm it! i'm everything! that is beautiful. Made my day. Thanks! Got a hunch you’re about to start thinking though and it’s gonna go to shit.

Unfortuanely i couldn't stay into that for too long and eventually felt back with the ego a bit. A few months later i'm having an episode of sadness, i can't explain why, i wake up feeling horrible for no reason and even though the day that it happened in was actually pretty good day i felt alone and devastated, i couldn't explain why. I layed down in my bed and started questioning these feelings i have so frequently and it went on a loop of

"I don't like life, it's too hard, too many questions, too many hardships, too many responsibilities"

but i started to suspect why i felt like that, eventually i got even deeper into my questioning, because i was literally confused at my own emotions. my day was great, nothing bad had happened for months, and yet there i was creating my own problems, i started to answer my own questions with the first things that appeared in my head, and everytime something came out first it was exactly what i needed to hear. eventually i realized that all of those feeling i was having where literally distractions, and i got scared because i noticed they were distracting me from a bigger fear/regret i was hidding but wasn't aware of. I stood still scared and i realized what was trully causing me suffering, i was distracting myself because truth was I missed being one with everything, i was sad I had become so separate from god. I missed truth, I missed all of us. It felt like for a second i had absorbed the grief of everyone and started experiencing it. I started crying like never before as i became conscious of all the things we do to eachother, easily hating one another and most of the time going out of our way to justify the hate. I felt love like before, but this time it wasn't love like "'it's all good man" it was like a mother watching her kids grow up to all hate eachother and becoming serial killers, i was sad for everything and everyone, from that day the concept of unconditional love has not left me. I feel a huge sympaty for people, even when someone upsets me i cannot bring myself to hate anyone, even those who wronged me in the past, as much as the ego wants them to "get it" i cannot bring myself to hate.

I also recently learned something about the distractions, my fears, rational and irrational. I saw @Azrael's latest post about conversing with your emotions and I gave it a try, and as i started to question my fear this time around things got tense, like i was going to die from it. I literally cannot sit stil for a day, like every day I have to think about life, about my purpose, about my friends, about my dreams, about my beliefs, about my "truths" and I realized fear was strongly connected to it. I started questioning my fear and it felt like i was interrogating a criminal who was super nervous. Fear told me that the only way i can learn/grow is through it, it kept yelling with me saying that it was the one thing i should count on, because it was fear of existence that made me change as a person. I searched more, I became more intelligent, I became more compassionate, I made new friends, GREAT friends, I started to work hard and show results because of fear, but the things is i'm done. I couldn't hear it anymore, i'm just tired. Everyday of my life i feel like i need to learn something new, and this desire for knowledge has been with me as long as i can remenber, my uncle even called me out on it (for the wrong reasons but still) he thinks i'm reflecting too much, researching too much and according to him someone at my age shouldn't be so deep at life yet. I like learning like everyone else, i just hate this sense of MUST. I want to do all of the things i'm doing and more without fear to be my "motivator", without feeling like i need to. I just want to live life.

Yep. Thinking does that. 

and that's why i'm confused, should I stop trying to research about life and reality? Should I turn a blind eye? I don't mean to live ignorantly, i mean, should I just be and not WANT to go over stuff? if life is trully meanigless and we give our meaning it feels like that's what i should be doing, one of my biggest fears is to live a long life with a lot of wisdom but with fear still controling me. Should I give up on enlightment? 

Not that it’s a bad story, but do you really even care to read it yourself? It serves to reinforce your past. It’s an anti-now anchor, and that’s all it amounts to. It takes you away from this very moment right now. The one you can do anything in. Everything is going to happen the same wether you sweat it or not. Meditation can eventually raise your consciousness to the point you are without that thinking, as you’ve conveyed it to be. “Never doubt the practices, the practices are sound” - Buddha or Homer Simpson     Can’t remember. 

 

[Azrael]

Next time you interview your fear, ask it what both of you could do to work better together in the future. I think you did a great job getting to know every aspect of your fear and being very conscious how and why it works the way it does. In the end you wanna find a way to work with that energy. You don't wanna convict fear of its crimes but to reconnect it with its highest purpose. And that you can only do by finding out how to work together with it.

You only have a problem with an emotion if you restrict the energy it produces. Find out how to work together with it and you'll be fine very quickly.