I will do whatever it takes to solve my neurosis

[tatsumaru]

Greetings,

This is my first post on the forum and I want to make it count.
I have been on the spiritual path for as long as I can remember.
Ever since I was a little kid I felt a calling towards the mystical.

But there is something wrong with me…

I noticed I was different when my mom signed me up for kindergarten for the first time. As her cab left for work I just couldn’t handle it. Nothing really happened on the outside but on the inside I was falling apart and I wasn’t sure why. I couldn’t speak to anyone at the kindergarten and I just cried myself to sleep every day. This happened every day until eventually my mom realized I wasn’t doing so well there and she removed me from kindergarten...

The painful me-story

I come from a dysfunctional and a chaotic family – My parents were divorced before I was born. Although I saw some screaming and fighting it definitely was not the worst story out there. I wasn’t abused or anything like that, however I realized that adults didn’t know what they were doing either and this confused me a lot and made me somewhat unstable. I didn’t see my father a lot - just a couple of times and then he died somewhere in Asia from unknown causes. My mother married another guy who was a decent fellow and I was brought up in that family. He died too (in front of me).

For a while I became somewhat stable. I didn’t have too much problems in primary school but I reverted to deep depression in late high school again. The kind of depression where you wake up in the morning and just start crying after realizing you are still alive. I started doing drugs. Didn’t have friends so I didn’t have access to popular drugs but I did stuff which an unscrupulous pharmacist was willing to sell me. I was taking recreational drugs by myself in my room. I had my first panic attack during one of my first trips, thought I was dying. I called 911, but when the lady said “Hello” I hanged up. The thought of my mother finding out overwhelmed me. I thought I would take the risk and wait it out instead – if I die then so the fuck what?

I didn’t die that day and it actually felt really good to disrespect death – I felt liberated. I felt like a god. I thought I could get away with anything, so I shifted from depressive to manic reckless behavior. Went to the gym, started taking steroids and all kinds of other substances. Quit after a few months since I ruined my digestion with a bizarre diet which my idiot trainer recommended. I did get huge stretch marks from all the water retention though.

I went to depressed again and started taking mushrooms from time to time. I had a horrible trip which lead to a brutal panic attack and this time it was so bad that I couldn’t contain my fear and went to the ER. They kept me in the hospital for three days and my mom found out I was doing drugs, steroids and all that.

Since that day I have been becoming more and more neurotic.

Nowadays I have terrible social skills. I have never had sex. I have never had a real relationship.

I am so neurotic that I have turned away girls who themselves offered to date me and who I wanted to date as well. I’ve had many offers from girls but I always turn them down, because deep down I feel that I am not good enough.
I feel that because I haven’t had any sexual experience I will disappoint them and I don’t want to experience the shame from this situation. I know that because I have never kissed a girl in my life I don’t know how to kiss so I will disappoint. I feel that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I feel like I’m a product that’s not ready for market. We are talking pathological levels of insecurity here. I am sometimes afraid to say “Hi” to people - when they are about to look at me, I avert my gaze to avoid eye contact. I am so afraid of rejection that I sabotage my whole social life.

That’s why I have spent most of my life in my room, in the dark, alone.

I talk to myself because I have no one else to talk to. I have wondered whether I am autistic or something like that.

I am so neurotic that my brain likes to generate horror thoughts all the time. Sometimes when I walk on the street and see an open hole I instantly imagine how I didn’t notice it and I stepped in and my foot broke in the worst possible way.

When someone calls on the phone my initial reaction is to assume that they are about to tell me that someone has gone crazy or has died.

I always assume the worst – I am not doing it on purpose it’s just the result of years of pain, suffering, loneliness and negativity. It’s probably programmed in my subconscious.

But wait there’s more...

At some point the health problems begun. All kinds of weird stuff – allergies, asthma, digestive issues, unexplained bruising and scratches on skin, insomnia, vertigo, headaches, fatigue. I read every wikipedia article about every symptom, I read hundreds of health and diet books, I’ve tried hundreds of supplements, I’ve spent thousands of dollars on blood tests. I am practically an expert on health and nutrition at this point, only I am not, because all of those diets (paleo, gaps, fodmap, autoimmune paleo etc.) and supplements, and gluten/sugar avoidance and all kinds of modifications which seem to solve other people’s health issues and result in success-transformation stories have done nothing or very little for me. I’ve been to so many doctors – some of them have plain stated they have no idea what’s wrong with me. When I had my health meltdown everyone was either telling me that I am fine or that I need psychiatric help (didn’t know that skin bruising or copper deficiency or abnormal TSH levels were treated by psychiatrists) or that there’s something wrong but they are not sure what.

I am starting to think that my health problems are caused by something else entirely. Maybe my deep negativity is destroying my body. Maybe there’s bad feng shui in my room. Maybe my sexlessness is ruining my energies. Maybe holding my sperm when I ejaculate is actually harmful (I read that in a Mantak Chia book, but the author later said that this was actually bad advice, I don’t know why I am still doing that). Maybe it’s just fucking karma and I have to accept my nightmare and wait it out...

Let me just say that maintaining my sanity is becoming harder every day. I’ve considered suicide many times. I know it would destroy my mother and I just can’t do that to her.

Who wants to play “am I tired of this shit”.

My spiritual journey

My deep suffering forced me to seek relief in spirituality. I have never had a teacher or a guru, but I did found a person on a forum who mentored me for a while and taught me to let go of beliefs and to seek free thinking and authenticity. I also read some Jed McKenna, some Chogyam Trungpa, some Osho, some Sam Harris, some U.G. Krishnamurti (the most depressing shit ever), some Buddha, some Lao Tzu, some Eckhart Tolle. Listened to thousands of hours of video from spiritual masters. I even went to India for a “radical” satsang. Don’t say I am not committed. I am committed AF.

After a while this shedding of beliefs started to suffocate me because I realized that everything is a belief and everything can be questioned. I realized that every concept is just someone’s opinion or perception.

If you think about it even the notion of truth is questionable. People say that truth is just the way things are, but that’s based on the belief that logic is meaningful. Maybe there is no “the way things are” - it doesn’t make sense, but then it doesn’t have to make sense, just because I want it to make sense.

You know I hear all these teachers making big claims such as “consciousness is real and eternal”, “there is no death”, “there is no self”, “there is a self”, “jesus was enlightened”, “buddha was enlightened”, “tao is union of the opposites”, “tao is not the union of opposites” - doesn’t it seem to you that all of this is BS? I mean how do you really confirm that your consciousness is real and eternal?

What if all of this is just some simulation and these insights are worthless or even worse - force-fed as a part of an experiment (remember the Matrix)?

What if I am just a brain in a vat?

What if existence collapses after a second and we get stuck in blackness for eternity?

I get it – most or all of these scenarios are just brain generated fiction. The intellect desperately tries to fill the void of uncertainty with some story, but sooner or later I will have to let go of the idea of certainty as well. So what’s left? More beliefs? More neurosis?

Is the goal simply to be peaceful regardless of circumstances (Eckhart Tolle)? Sounds good but what if I become a schizophrenic and lose control over my peace too? Start hearing voices that tell me to eat brains? My uncle just became a schizophrenic a few days ago and he’s already tried to commit suicide. I’ve known and loved this person for decades and suddenly he’s all fucked up talking about conspiracies against our family reputation. How do you make sense of this, how do you accept and integrate this? What the fuck is going on?

Anyway...

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve learned a lot too. I am super stubborn and I tend to play the victim card a bit too often, but I am actually quite open-minded as well. I don’t claim wrong or right, although I prefer ease over dis-ease.

I am becoming too lazy to suffer. I am still afraid of losing my mind, but there is some peace in not taking myself too seriously. Definitely not heaven, more like giving up, but still better than crying myself to sleep (insomnia).

I want peace. I want clarity. I want effortless existence.
I want to live in the mountains and play my dizi flute.

That’s pretty much it.

Not sure what to do.

Nothing at all to hold on to.

I would love to hear back from you.

Don’t need consolation, need a way out.

All of your advice is welcome and appreciated.

[Shin]

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Don’t say I am not committed. I am committed AF.

You sure about that ?

You jus talked about filling your head with concepts right there, you didn't even talk about meditation or mindfulness.
Doesn't matter what kind of teachers you like, or how many time you were at a satsang, in fact that counts for nothing, that's just ego bullshit.

I'll tell you, one day I was at a guided meditation, and there was this old lady (50 old something), she barely looked at me, never spoke to me (also didn't say goodbye, only said hi because everyone was looking) and I could clearly sensed his negative energy, textbook "I'm more spiritual than you young wannabe Eckhart Tolle".
BUT she was so proud to go to an ashram next year, as if (by the tone of his voice) it would be the shit.
It isn't, she was clearly neurotic and egotistical as fuck, she was associating spirituality with its identity, that's all she's done ...

So be very careful here, it doesn't make any difference how many books or satsang you were, doesn't matter how many "spiritual" friends you have, how many ayahuasca you took, or other bullshit like that.
The only thing that tells you how much "spiritual" you are, is how much in the present moment you are (not labelling, not thinking), how much you judge (and identify to the judgment), and how easy it is for you to just do nothing and not being bored.
If there isn't any progress there, then you're not being spiritual at all, you're just mental masturbating .

So you might reconsider this, meditate more, be more mindful, but you have to do something there, because you're not doing it right.

I was as fucked up as you one year ago, so I don't see why I could have done it and you don't, I'm not fucking special.

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I am so neurotic that I have turned away girls who themselves offered to date me and who I wanted to date as well. I’ve had many offers from girls but I always turn them down, because deep down I feel that I am not good enough.
I feel that because I haven’t had any sexual experience I will disappoint them and I don’t want to experience the shame from this situation. I know that because I have never kissed a girl in my life I don’t know how to kiss so I will disappoint. I feel that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I feel like I’m a product that’s not ready for market. We are talking pathological levels of insecurity here. I am sometimes afraid to say “Hi” to people - when they are about to look at me, I avert my gaze to avoid eye contact. I am so afraid of rejection that I sabotage my whole social life.

That's a huge blockage right there, one way or another you have to let yourself be open to a relationship, otherwise this fake problem will continue to haunt you for the rest of your life.
So next time a girl you like tells you/hints at you she wants to be with you, you just be honest and tell her you never had anyone.
You don't have to tell why exactly, just let her know you had a sad past.

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How do you make sense of this, how do you accept and integrate this? What the fuck is going on?

 

Trying to make sense of it, IS the reason you're suffering.
If you stop trying to compare or to figure out stuff, then life becomes actually enjoyable.
And it's not that hard, it just requires discipline (lots of sitted meditation).

Edited December 30, 2017 by Shin

[tatsumaru]

2 hours ago, Shin said:

You sure about that ?

Actually, now that you ask - I am not so sure. I think there is some part of me which wants this whole journey to be safe and another part which wants to wake up at any price and this internal conflict is tearing me apart.

I have a confession to make - I have a deep fear that enlightenment may actually be some form of derangement or going crazy (not as in crazy wisdom, but as in mental facility crazy). The reason for this is that I don't know how to distinguish between real and hallucination so I am afraid I could be going schizophrenic instead of waking up or anything like that. I feel like I am ready to make the shift, my heart wants it desperately but this fear is holding me back.
 

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So next time a girl you like tells you/hints at you she wants to be with you, you just be honest and tell her you never had anyone.
You don't have to tell why exactly, just let her know you had a sad past.

I like this. It's good and it's honest. I will do it.

Quote

Trying to make sense of it, IS the reason you're suffering.

I guess you are right. I am trying to make life fit my preconceived notions of what life should be like.
But it's also not that simple. I don't want to be some sad person who just got beaten by life too much and finally gave up and resigned to his powerlessness. Acquiescence doesn't seem to be fulfilling.
 

Quote

If you stop trying to compare or to figure out stuff, then life becomes actually enjoyable.

How do you deal with the paranoia and the deep doubt? I constantly fear that this might be a simulation and that the whole spiritual journey might be part of the matrix. Do you simply allow yourself to become crazy and hope its enlightenment? That doesn't sound very healthy.

Quote

And it's not that hard, it just requires discipline (lots of sitted meditation).

I am a little bit sceptical about meditation. This is an excerpt from the notes of my spiritual friend:
 

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Non-meditation: For many, meditation belongs to of the world of hope and fear; a diversion one uses until they realize that it will not lead to enlightenment.

“Do you think you can clear your mind by sitting constantly in silent meditation? This makes your mind narrow, not clear”- Lao Tzu.

Non-meditation is a topic that will surely upset millions who have vested meaning, money, and measure, sitting on a cushion. Millions believe that meditation is the path to happiness, compassion, god realization, and enlightenment. Surely, meditation has provided solace to many, but solace is a temporary thing.

“The practice of meditation is represented by the three monkeys, who cover their eyes, ears and mouths so as to avoid the phenomenal world. The practice of non-meditation is ceasing to be the see-er, hearer or speaker while eyes, ears and mouths are fulfilling their function in daily life.”  – Wei Wu Wei

Hui Neng reportedly scolded his monks for spending too much time sitting in meditation….He said that meditation is unnecessary, and warned that such practice can easily become a narcotic. Many Western meditaters are so intoxicated by their practice that they see themselves as loftier to those who don’t formally meditate, like drug addicts see themselves as superior to non-users.

Few people seem to realize that Buddha did not realize enlightenment through meditation,…he realized enlightenment through appreciation, when he ceased meditating. Through the meditation he nearly died.

The American Esther Hicks said something quite appropriate to this subject, “We teach meditation, or quieting the mind, because it is really easier to teach you to have no thoughts, than to teach you to have pure, positive thought. We would rather you be in a state of appreciation, than in a state of meditation, because in appreciation you are a vibrational match to Source.”

Kagyu, the fourth stream of mastery (Short Path) says, “In a state of non-meditation, you attain Mahamudra.” While Saraha said, “Mind is the basis of samsara and nirvana. Once you realize (its nature), rest in the ease of non-meditation.”

Meditation is a fabulous tool for training the mind to interact with time in a different way. Whereas the sahaja of non-meditation uncovers that which is beyond time; the Present.

“If your purpose is to medicate dukkha,…then meditate. If your wish is bodhi,…practice absolute bodhicitta”- A Short Path Buddhist saying.

“The state of non-meditation is born in the heart….” –Jigme Lingpa

 

I am not sure what non-meditation is exactly yet. Chogyam Trungpa talks about this and it is clear that it doesn't mean "not meditating" but rather some higher form of meditation that goes further than the basic senses.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this and for your kind words. I appreciate your help.

Edited December 30, 2017 by tatsumaru

[Shin]

7 hours ago, tatsumaru said:

Actually, now that you ask - I am not so sure. I think there is some part of me which wants this whole journey to be safe and another part which wants to wake up at any price and this internal conflict is tearing me apart.

I have a confession to make - I have a deep fear that enlightenment may actually be some form of derangement or going crazy (not as in crazy wisdom, but as in mental facility crazy). The reason for this is that I don't know how to distinguish between real and hallucination so I am afraid I could be going schizophrenic instead of waking up or anything like that. I feel like I am ready to make the shift, my heart wants it desperately but this fear is holding me back.

Lol no.
You are schizo right now, not when you awake.
The crazy world is right now, not when you know what you are, there is no dramas or doubts like this when you're highly conscious.

The only reason you fear this, is because you won't have control over it, but you know what, you never had.
It's because people crave for control that people suffer in life, but there is no such thing, life has no leash, it goes where it wants, there is no guarantee about anything.
 

I guess you are right. I am trying to make life fit my preconceived notions of what life should be like.
But it's also not that simple. I don't want to be some sad person who just got beaten by life too much and finally gave up and resigned to his powerlessness. Acquiescence doesn't seem to be fulfilling.
 

Isn't it how life is for you right now ?
I tell you, life is beautiful when you don't have any expectations, and it doesn't make you a pussy, quite the opposite.
It's just not the macho alpha kind of confidence, it's deeper, more authentic and peaceful.

When I'm saying no expectations, I'm not saying you don't have goals or projects anymore, it's easy to misunderstand this, but it's more like being detached to outcomes.
This is also paradoxical, if you are detached you actually enjoy more things, it's just not neurotics.

 

How do you deal with the paranoia and the deep doubt? I constantly fear that this might be a simulation and that the whole spiritual journey might be part of the matrix. Do you simply allow yourself to become crazy and hope its enlightenment? That doesn't sound very healthy.

I don't expect anything, I just know it has worked so far, that's all I know, and I don't need to know more (in fact you can't).

 

I am a little bit sceptical about meditation. This is an excerpt from the notes of my spiritual friend:

That's just mental masturbation, if your friend was really that conscious he wouldn't tell you so much abstract bullshit, he would just tell you to sit and meditate.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this and for your kind words. I appreciate your help.

You're welcome, I might sound like an asshole but this is just how I write, don't worry it's not personal  

 

Edited December 31, 2017 by Shin

[tatsumaru]

2 hours ago, Shin said:

The only reason you fear this, is because you won't have control over it, but you know what, you never had.
It's because people crave for control that people suffer in life, but there is no such thing, life has no leash, it goes where it wants, there is no guarantee about anything.

That scenario suggests that Life has a separate mind which "goes where IT wants". In other words that's like a religious God who makes the decisions. Whether I have control or not is unclear. The whole idea of science is that there's control, while in God-religions there's some form of pseudo-control:

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Proverbs 16:9
9 In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.

Romans 13:2
2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgement on themselves.

God gave us the free will to choose whether we want to suck God's dick and go to paradise or not and get raped in hell for eternity. Thanks God, we really are free to do whatever we want!
 
I think this surrender of control that we see in many spiritual religions is a actually a surrender of responsibility. Oh life just does whatever it wants and I can't control it so it's not my fault. And then you go eat because you don't want to die. It's dishonest.
Now surrendering Ego's control over to something more meaningful is something that I don't have a problem with.

2 hours ago, Shin said:

Lol no.
You are schizo right now, not when you awake.

How did you confirm this? Are you awake? A lot of Tibetan sages are depicted as completely crazy - some of them literally smearing their faces with poop etc.

2 hours ago, Shin said:

Isn't it how life is for you right now ?

In many ways I don't have much of a choice - to choose between eating and dying from starvation is not much of a choice - it's like choosing between paradise and hell. However there are some monks who have chosen to die from starvation and they did. Buddha almost died of starvation when he thought meditation would lead to enlightenment.

Edited December 31, 2017 by tatsumaru

[ADD]

You said you are open minded and willing to do anything, but you wont give meditation a chance. If you think reading about spirituality is going to help you, unfortuanetly it's not. Your mind tries to find excuses why not to meditate. How about trying it out yourself instead of reading about it? 

I've been there myself and meditation brought me back to life.

[tatsumaru]

6 minutes ago, ADD said:

You said you are open minded and willing to do anything, but you wont give meditation a chance. If you think reading about spirituality is going to help you, unfortuanetly it's not. Your mind tries to find excuses why not to meditate. How about trying it out yourself instead of reading about it? 

I've been there myself and meditation brought me back to life.

I did not say I will not try it, I just said I am a little bit sceptical. I will actually try it. I think mindfulness meditation as a practice is quite important and I think I have ignored it a bit too much.

[tatsumaru]

@Shin How can one let go of extremely traumatic events? My uncle just tried to commit suicide - he tried to hang himself and he also opened his neck with a knife and stabbed himself. It was a horror blood bath. He's schizophrenic, and hearing voices and he's in deep suffering. He says he can't take it any more. I am just so sad about this. Are these people beyond repair? Should we just let them kill themselves? Furthermore can these people get out of hell on their own?

[Shin]

On 02/01/2018 at 11:26 PM, tatsumaru said:

@Shin How can one let go of extremely traumatic events? My uncle just tried to commit suicide - he tried to hang himself and he also opened his neck with a knife and stabbed himself. It was a horror blood bath. He's schizophrenic, and hearing voices and he's in deep suffering. He says he can't take it any more. I am just so sad about this. Are these people beyond repair? Should we just let them kill themselves? Furthermore can these people get out of hell on their own?

You go past traumatic events by being more and more conscious of the nature of thoughts, which happen through a lot of meditation first, then you are able to be in a semi-meditative state all the time to practice even more.

Until you associate who you are with the voice in your head, then you'll suffer, even if your life is "good", it's never gonna be enough for the ego.

[Nahm]

@Shin Your compassion got me man. Beautiful Shin. ?

@tatsumaru I feel for you. I find getting things / thoughts out of the head and into the physical world is effective. I agree with Shin in that it’s a matter of distinctions in thoughts. I’d make a couple columns on a piece of paper, maybe thought...and happening. It is admittedly simple and sounds too easy, but in the mind, it’s sometimes one big cluster. Even if every subject etc gets written in the ‘thoughts’ column, it is effective in making the distinction visual.

Also, if you haven’t watched this movie lately, I really recommend it. I think it’s on Amazon prime, maybe Netflix. It’s about Siddhartha of course, but it’s really about me, and you, and every person. 

Meditation (awareness) is ultimately where the ‘cure’ is. It might be a difficult adventure in the beginning, but it will peel off what has been added, all with the power of ‘nothing’. It will be more rewarding than I have words for. It is worthwhile. imo, it does require the ‘burning of the boats’, as in, if meditation is flirted with, on and off, it can uncover pain without resolve, but if there is a real commitment to the daily (morning is best imo) practice, it does ‘work’. If you feel meditation has left you as anything other than unconditional love, there are still layers the practice can allow you to become aware of - and they can disappear, as they were just thoughts. 

[tatsumaru]

@Shin Osho once said - "Madness is not really losing your mind, it is instead getting lost in your mind." Is that what you mean?

Shin you told me a few days ago that "I just had a sad past" and that has had a profound impact on me. As I am saying this "I just had a sad past." it suddenly removes all the weight from my story. The attachment to the painful me story dissolves into thin air like the morning mist. Where there was a feeling of darkness and despair now there's a feeling of lightness and freshness. Eternal gratitude.

@Nahm I will watch this movie. I literally love the buddha, I cry every time when I hear or read his story. Truth or fiction it doesn't matter to me. It just touches me so deeply that it produces a certain state of appreciation/ecstasy.

[Shin]

GREAT !

 

@Nahm

Edited January 6, 2018 by Shin

[Nahm]

@Shin

 

[jse]

@tatsumaru I've been thinking about your plight these past few days, ever since first reading your painful story here on New Year's Eve.

People say that thoughts can drive anyone crazy, but my experience and understanding nowadays is that this is not entirely correct.
Why is it that other people's thoughts and experiences don't drive me crazy, yet my own do?

You see, this is because it's not thoughts, experiences or memories which do the harm, but *our identification with them *.  The pain starts the moment the words "I/me/my" are attached to the story.  We then identify with the story to the point that we forget our fundamental existence, which is pure consciousness.

Please allow me to illustrate this sticky problem of identification, by distilling all the points in your story which you identify with:

On 12/31/2017 at 1:04 AM, tatsumaru said:

I want to make it count
I have been on the spiritual path

I can remember
I was a little kid
I felt a calling
I noticed
I was different
I just couldn’t handle it
I was falling apart

I wasn’t sure why
I couldn’t speak
I just cried myself
I wasn’t doing so well
I come from a dysfunctional and a chaotic family

I was born
I saw
I realized
I was brought up
I became somewhat stable
I didn’t have too much problems

I reverted to deep depression
I started doing drugs
(I) didn’t have friends
I didn’t have access to popular drugs
I did stuff
I was taking recreational drugs
I had my first panic attack
(I) thought I was dying
I called 911
I hanged up
I thought
I would take the risk
if I die

I didn’t die
I felt liberated
I felt like a god
I thought I could get away with anything
I shifted from depressive to manic reckless behavior

(I) went to the gym
(I) started taking steroids
(I) quit
I ruined my digestion
I went to depressed again
I had a horrible trip
I couldn’t contain my fear
I was doing drugs
I have been becoming more and more neurotic

I have terrible social skills
I have never had sex
I have never had a real relationship.
I am so neurotic
I have turned away girls
I wanted to date as well
I’ve had many offers from girls
I always turn them down
I feel
I am not good enough.
I feel
I haven’t had any sexual experience
I will disappoint them
I don’t want to experience the shame
I have never kissed a girl
I don’t know how to kiss
I will disappoint
I feel
I am not ready
I’m a product that’s not ready for market.

I am sometimes afraid
I avert my gaze
I am so afraid of rejection
I sabotage my whole social life.

I have spent most of my life in my room
I talk to myself
I have no one else to talk to
I have wondered whether I am autistic

I am so neurotic
I always assume the worst
I am not doing it on purpose

I read every wikipedia article about every symptom
I read hundreds of health and diet books
I’ve tried hundreds of supplements
I’ve spent thousands of dollars on blood tests
I am practically an expert on health and nutrition
I am not
I had my health meltdown
I need psychiatric help

I am starting to think
I read
I don’t know
I have to accept my nightmare

I’ve considered suicide
I know it would destroy my mother
I just can’t do that to her
“am I tired of this shit”

I have never had a teacher
I did found a person
I also read some
I even went to India
I am committed AF.

* I realized that everything is a belief and everything can be questioned *

I realized
I want it to make sense.

I hear
I mean
I am just a brain in a vat?

I get it
* I will have to let go *

if I become a schizophrenic
(I) lose control over my peace

I am super stubborn
I tend to play the victim
I am actually quite open-minded
I don’t claim wrong or right
I prefer ease over dis-ease.

I am becoming too lazy to suffer
I am still afraid of losing my mind

I want peace
I want clarity
I want effortless existence.
I want to live in the mountains and play my dizi flute.

I would love to hear back from you.

Now, replace the word "I" with "Jose", and see if this story affects you the same way.

We are not a body, we are not our thoughts, not our memories.  Once you begin to see this reality, suffering will cease.
 

 

Edited January 6, 2018 by jse
Paul Hedderman nails it.

[tatsumaru]

@jse If that was the case, then why do people cry when watching sad movies about other people?

[jse]

6 minutes ago, tatsumaru said:

@jse If that was the case, then why do people cry when watching sad movies about other people?

Simply because they identify with those other people.  I've never seen anyone shed tears for the film's villain when he gets his comeuppance.  Why is this?  No identification.  Yet I've seen grown men cry over a scratch on their shiny new car - identification.

People often confuse identification with compassion.

[tatsumaru]

4 minutes ago, jse said:

Simply because they identify with those other people.  I've never seen anyone shed tears for the film's villain when he gets his comeuppance.  Why is this?  No identification.  Yet I've seen grown men cry over a scratch on their shiny new car - identification.

People often confuse identification with compassion.

Hmm, that sounds interesting. You may be on to something valuable.

I think we identify with our painful thoughts because we are able to feel our pains while we aren't able to feel other people's pains so clearly and therefore it's very hard for us to conclude that our pains are just as irrelevant as those of the rest of the people. It doesn't feel right, it feels like some sort of escapism.

Edited January 8, 2018 by tatsumaru

[jse]

10 minutes ago, tatsumaru said:

I think we identify with our painful thoughts because we are able to feel our pains while we aren't able to feel other people's pains so clearly and therefore it's very hard for us to conclude that our pains are just as irrelevant as those of the rest of the people.

"Feeling our pain" is identifying with pain.  There is pain, and then there is my pain.

No pain, no gain?  No identification, plenty of gain. 

[tatsumaru]

49 minutes ago, jse said:

"Feeling our pain" is identifying with pain.  There is pain, and then there is my pain.

No pain, no gain?  No identification, plenty of gain. 

Are you talking about "mind over matter"?

[jse]

9 minutes ago, tatsumaru said:

Are you talking about "mind over matter"?

When it comes to "I/me/mine", it's more like "never mind, doesn't matter".