Relationships fights

[Charlotte]

Ok, over the Christmas holidays I learnt a lot about myself via arguments with my partner. I also feel this is a grey area in my life (my emotional reactions). This is what I have learnt...

What I feel are negative:

• I have a strong sense of ego (becoming very hurt and offended). This is what has stood out to me the most
• I cry (a lot) due to what feels like internal confusion and pain
• I dislike conflict
• Anxiety arrises and can stay prominent throughout the whole argument and for the rest of the day
• I raise my voice (not in anger but in a passion sense)
• It affects me emotionally and physically and I'm knackered
• I feel I'm totally sucked in by the disagreement and my awareness goes out the window

What I feel is positive:

• I'm able to be open minded with regards to the other person's perspective
• I'm able to apologise where I feel I have done wrong
• I'm brutally honest with myself

I genuinely want opinions and advice on how I could develop myself in these situations. I'd also like some insights on how the rest of you deal with personal relationship arguments please. 

Edited December 30, 2017 by Charlotte
Grammar errors

[Spiral]

If you feel anger I would advise you "go for a walk" to cool down, to not escalate the situation. This way you will not do/say something bad to your partner making them upset and causing them to make you more angry.

[Shin]

4 hours ago, Charlotte said:

 

I genuinely want opinions and advice on how I could develop myself in these situations. I'd also like some insights on how the rest of you deal with personal relationship arguments please. 

Be aware of it when it happens.

If you have that mindset, you can't go back, you will improve significantly over the net months

Also meditate daily and,

 

 

[Kimasxi]

D. Goleman said in either Emotional Intelligence or Social Intelligence that when you have an emotional hijack, i.e. your amygdala goes into the fight-or-flight state and your heartrate rises significantly, you need to ask the person for a couple of minutes for yourself to cool down, and it may take more than once during an argument. The rule of thumb is you don't want to argue when your heart rate is high. You may consider using other forms of communication, when it happens. 

You need to let go some things that are very important to your ego. You need to do it outside the argument. I think the book "Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender" as well as Teal's judgement exercise may help you 

I don't know the details but you get hurt or offended because you want to protect your ego, because some actions or words have some meanings about you attached, and for example you don't want to be the one treated unfair because it means you have no competence to ensure you are safe so it means mistreatment will happen again or that you social status is low etc. 
You can watch this video too: 

And then the one titled "How to change a belief".

Your amygdala will be triggered whenever one of these 5 things happens:

• your social status is threatened
• you think you are being treated unjustly
• a relationship is threatened
• your autonomy is limited or you feel you are loosing control 
• you are uncertain

Check which one is integrated into your troublesome beliefs

[Charlotte]

On 30/12/2017 at 1:42 PM, Spiral said:

If you feel anger I would advise you "go for a walk" to cool down, to not escalate the situation. This way you will not do/say something bad to your partner making them upset and causing them to make you more angry.

@Spiral that's my problem, I sit and stew and I hate the atmosphere it causes, I feel I NEED to resolve it asap so I do struggle to give myself space and my partner. 

 

@Shin thank you as always 

 

@Kimasxi thank you also for your input. 

Edited January 2, 2018 by Charlotte
Grammar errors

[YaNanNallari]

In arguments or overall thinking your mind creates a specific scenario with certain rules that are sort of absolute in order to think about the solution more effectively. Seeing these things as more relative (especially with smaller things) or recognizing that this is just a scenario can help you. You can still argue seriously, but at least afterwards try to remember that it's not absolute in case you're feeling very upset about it.

You could also try to think of arguments as something where you don't try to prove yourself or the other person right or wrong. Instead you're together trying to get to a good solution beneficial for the both of you or then you both learn something from it. Now this might be hard if the other person isn't on the same level with you, so this could be something to discuss with them if arguing becomes a big issue.

[Angelo John Gage]

Think of you and your partner as two computers that need to have a strong connection between them to form a network. If the communication between two computers fail, the network will not exist. 

Communication is the most important and vital component in any relationship; and you must communicate honestly. You may be honest with yourself, but are you brutally honest with your partner? Any thing you hold back will simply build up and turn into resentment. Your fear of conflict is a sign that you hold things in until they blow up because you are afraid of rocking the boat. But no boats traverse water without rocking. And what good is a boat that will eventually sink in the problems within are not addressed? IT will eventually sink.

My suggestion to you are the following:

Notice your feelings; disassociate from them by zooming out of your mind and observing them. You are not those things.

Turn the self talk of "I am angry (or whatever emotion) to "I feel angry" (or whatever emotion), so its a feeling rather than an identification that the Ego will take.

Explain to your partner PRECISELY why you currently feel XYZ emotions.

Do not blame them or claim they are a certain way, but rather are "seem to be acting" a certain way, "which you feel is causing these emotions in you."

So do not say something like " Well, you're a jerk so you made me cry." That is a victim mentality. No one can make you cry. You must take full responsibility for your emotions. In stead, " I think you're ACTING like a jerk, and because of this, I feel disrespected." An act can change, but someone who IS  a jerk, is a form of being, and will be insulted by your criticism rather than take it constructionally.

But if you want to get deep, you are basically torturing yourself by allowing the ego to create problems that do not exist in reality, and if they do, then you are lowering your standards and are with someone who you should not be with if this happens more often than not; whether it is you or them. 

 

[Charlotte]

14 hours ago, YaNanNallari said:

In arguments or overall thinking your mind creates a specific scenario with certain rules that are sort of absolute in order to think about the solution more effectively. Seeing these things as more relative (especially with smaller things) or recognizing that this is just a scenario can help you. You can still argue seriously, but at least afterwards try to remember that it's not absolute in case you're feeling very upset about it.

You could also try to think of arguments as something where you don't try to prove yourself or the other person right or wrong. Instead you're together trying to get to a good solution beneficial for the both of you or then you both learn something from it. Now this might be hard if the other person isn't on the same level with you, so this could be something to discuss with them if arguing becomes a big issue.

@YaNanNallari I've completely taken what you said on board, this could be (for me) a whole new perspective on arguments. Not a fight but rather a problem that requires a solution from both of us. Amazing! Thank you for taking the time to post

 

14 hours ago, Angelo John Gage said:

Think of you and your partner as two computers that need to have a strong connection between them to form a network. If the communication between two computers fail, the network will not exist. 

Communication is the most important and vital component in any relationship; and you must communicate honestly. You may be honest with yourself, but are you brutally honest with your partner? Any thing you hold back will simply build up and turn into resentment. Your fear of conflict is a sign that you hold things in until they blow up because you are afraid of rocking the boat. But no boats traverse water without rocking. And what good is a boat that will eventually sink in the problems within are not addressed? IT will eventually sink.

My suggestion to you are the following:

Notice your feelings; disassociate from them by zooming out of your mind and observing them. You are not those things.

Turn the self talk of "I am angry (or whatever emotion) to "I feel angry" (or whatever emotion), so its a feeling rather than an identification that the Ego will take.

Explain to your partner PRECISELY why you currently feel XYZ emotions.

Do not blame them or claim they are a certain way, but rather are "seem to be acting" a certain way, "which you feel is causing these emotions in you."

So do not say something like " Well, you're a jerk so you made me cry." That is a victim mentality. No one can make you cry. You must take full responsibility for your emotions. In stead, " I think you're ACTING like a jerk, and because of this, I feel disrespected." An act can change, but someone who IS  a jerk, is a form of being, and will be insulted by your criticism rather than take it constructionally.

But if you want to get deep, you are basically torturing yourself by allowing the ego to create problems that do not exist in reality, and if they do, then you are lowering your standards and are with someone who you should not be with if this happens more often than not; whether it is you or them. 

 

@Angelo John Gage Thank you for your response. I love your computer metaphor! 

 

I have to be honest, although I dislike conflict I'm quite outspoken and do confront someone if I feel it needs addressed. 

 

I NEVER EVER blame anybody/anything external for my emotions. I take FULL responsibility for all my actions and for myself. This is actually something I've been talking to my partner about, he can say things such as "well I wouldn't of reacted xyz way if you hadn't of done xyz", I inform him that anything I do or say I am not responsible for, same goes for myself. When I met him he blamed external circumstances for his behaviour, he is slowly starting to change his perspective. 

 

Thank you again for your response, very valuable. 

[expeditus]

I remembered this video leo had made about dysfunctional relationships go ahead and check it out maybe it can help. As for fights and arguments you have to remember that since your actualizing you must make your armor and swords cause these happens in every relationship. The relationship is not complete without fights or arguments. But do remember how will you accept what your partner says when your having arguments in that way you may choose to think for a sec before you react..