The Good Type Of Pain

[Sarah Marie]

@Phocus Thank you, see I already am on that path. If I were single I wouldn't be dating. I would 110% throw everything into personal development the same as I do married. See, I know my flaws, I know exactly what I'm working out and working on. I have been doing this for a long long long time. I continue to look at myself and see how I can become more independent and live to my full potiental. I know exactly my part in the falling of this relationship, too. So, I feel like I can 110% get to a place where the issues that I am responsible for will be resolved (most are). I've been through therapy for the better half of the past 10 years. I have told my husband this, that I understand exactly what kinks I need to work out and I even showed him proof of me working through them even before he brought this up. He describes it to me as him feeling lost and not knowing if he "can love me". The things he is angry about happened before I started my journey to self love. So he's had a good 5+ years of the adult me who has changed rapidly.

When I explain my behaviors from the past (I used to be a female who would yell and freak out, this was 5 years ago though) I tell him how my therapist taught me how to communicate, how  I had childhood trauma that I had to work through before I could understand who I am.@Phocus

[Sarah Marie]

@Phocus He did message me last night and ask if we could go to counseling. I 110% am willing and happy to try that. I know it's not all him, I'm very conscious who I am both good and bad. I am trying to work out the kinks (for example, I seriously SERIOUSLY need to work on being okay with the fact that he is not into personal development and he is very set in his ways). 

I have changed into a completely different person and he says that all the time. Things that used to be big deals to me aren't, I eat healthy, I don't want TV, I mediate, I feel happier alone rather than depending on him etc. He says he is uncomfortable with this change.

[Sarah Marie]

On February 27, 2016 at 8:38 AM, Phrae said:

What happened? I remember you talking about the relationship and the dynamics. I haven't been active for the last 2 weeks.

I Just saw this. To sum it up, he just woke up one day angry and told me he resents me for my past. (I used to be a clingy needy bitch) that was probably 5 years ago now. I'm a totally different person now and have been for now more than half our relationship. Not sure how someone represses shit for this long and then just snaps. 

IMO, he is still frustrated with things I do now. He finds it frustrating I strive for complete independence and am constantly changing. He very much likes stability and the exact same things everyday. I'm wishy washy and like to see how I feel every morning and then decide what order I'm going to accomplish my goals for the day. He freaks if our sugar jar isn't labeled "sugar".  While I understand I could be more grounded, it's just how I am. Sometimes my body is telling me to slow down so I do, sometimes I want to stay up late to work so I do. It's irritating to him that I don't do things in order and when "they're supposed to happen" 

[A way to Actualize]

I know Matt Kahn teaches somewhere in a video how to deal with cancer. I forgot the name unfortunately.

Eckhart tolle has also a video on it.

 

Really beautiful that you can share your story. I wish you much good luck further on.

[A way to Actualize]

4 minutes ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

I Just saw this. To sum it up, he just woke up one day angry and told me he resents me for my past. (I used to be a clingy needy bitch) that was probably 5 years ago now. I'm a totally different person now and have been for now more than half our relationship. Not sure how someone represses shit for this long and then just snaps. 

IMO, he is still frustrated with things I do now. He finds it frustrating I strive for complete independence and am constantly changing. He very much likes stability and the exact same things everyday. I'm wishy washy and like to see how I feel every morning and then decide what order I'm going to accomplish my goals for the day. He freaks if our sugar jar isn't labeled "sugar".  While I understand I could be more grounded, it's just how I am. Sometimes my body is telling me to slow down so I do, sometimes I want to stay up late to work so I do. It's irritating to him that I don't do things in order and when "they're supposed to happen" 

 

This video may be recognisable to what happened.

Edited February 28, 2016 by A way to Actualize

[Argue]

What do you mean by 50% of the time? like do you see your son 3.5 days of the week? 

You have to adapt and be strong. Your son needs to be with his dad too. He needs to learn and grow with him. Instead of seeing this as a sad thing, look at this in another perspective. Now you have free time to do whatever you want! 

[Sarah Marie]

@Argue yes, I would 100% want him to have my son a lot too. He isn't a shitty dad he's a really great dad and I know my son needs his time with him as well.

As far as free time. I did think of it like that last night, I would do all the personal development my little heart desires. Silent retreats anyone?

[Argue]

12 minutes ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

@Argue yes, I would 100% want him to have my son a lot too. He isn't a shitty dad he's a really great dad and I know my son needs his time with him as well.

As far as free time. I did think of it like that last night, I would do all the personal development my little heart desires. Silent retreats anyone?

I'm down  lol jk  

but yeah that's good to hear. It makes me happy that your son has both parents in his life.  

[Jewels]

@Sarah_Flagg i am in the middle of divorce right now. Married 10 years, 2 boys. This is my logic: what was we teaching our kids about love? Kids know when parents argue, they feel the tention, even if mom and dad hide it from kids. Do i want my kids to grow up thinking thats "normal" married life. Thats what all parents do.

Its been a year long journey so far and me and boys are adjusting to new life. They still get sad at times and i explain them that grownups sometimes just cant be friends anymore and have to live in separate houses.

I also found great kids books about divorce! Read them yourself first, before you read it aloud to get prepared.

Bottom line, if you doing whats best for you- you doing the best for the child! Your son needs you to be happy so he learns to be happy  

 

[Kelley White]

On 2/26/2016 at 4:49 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

Every hour that passes I remind myself of what Leo says, this is a good type of pain. Separating from my husband is giving me the opportunity to grow. I already knew what areas I was working on before we split up, I know exactly what went wrong in our relationship, and I know exactly what I need to do to become the best version of myself. 

@Sarah_Flagg  Hi!  Pain is a sensation, grieving is a process.   I wholly appreciate having to remind yourself this sensation is a part of growth and will lead to a positive sensation.   (personal empowerment?)

 

On 2/26/2016 at 4:49 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

But thinking about only seeing my son 50% of the time is literally heart wrenching.

I'm sorry.  It is heart wrenching.  I acknowledge your pain, your grief.   I regret you are facing radical acceptance of this.  I have some direct experience with this one.  

 

On 2/26/2016 at 4:49 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

Forget the fact that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's yesterday and possible cancer

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  It sounds to me like you are coping with a multitude of very stressful events.   I'm glad you are here.  I hope you are eating and getting rest.  

I'm going to talk about what is from direct experience and legal standing.  Unless Dad is ""unfit", joint custody will be the norm.   Radical acceptance is reframing the loss as a win.  The first time I had to give my kids to their dad for visitation my therapist at the time suggested I reframe it as time to  focus on me.   He told me to go to the movies. 

It was still challenging to do...but by forcing myself to refocus on doing a positive activity the time passed more quickly, I was more rested, and I had more patience once my children returned.  

You are sick.  Could you choose to look at it like you have time to take care of you so you have more strength and health when you do have him? This could actually be a real win in for everyone?  I don't know.  I don't know all the specifics of the relationships involved. 

Its challenging.  Its a process.  Be gentle with yourself, you're dealing with quite a bit.

There are no easy words to offer that are going to make it easier.  It depends on the individuals; sometimes its easier with time.   At first?  Its challenging.  Get together with friends, do things that take your focus off it.  Do what you think will work best for you to get you through that time, and allow yourself to grieve.

Please keep us posted on how you are feeling.  I wish you the best. (now I feel like a real asshat for being depressed the other day when you talked me back to some semblance of sanity. )

You're awesome.

[Will]

That fear of losing something you love is huge.. No bigger than losing your child!!! We have to face this same as we have to face our own death..

Maybe face your own death first .. really work hard on that.. then face others deaths. then face the death of your child.. Let life show you what it needs to..

I am not in your situation but i could be in an instant if my daughter die in a freak accident..

When I focus on the end I appreciate what I have even more.. I dont see the point worrying about the inevitable..

You may have to pull out the stops and do the hard core work to try and become enlightened before your child passes, might help you to see how things really are.....

 

I cant talk coz I am attached to my daughter to but I secretly prepare every day for the worst .. 

[Sarah Marie]

You guys are all so awesome! I just re read my comments and can't believe how different I feel right now. 

To update: I don't have cancer, only Hashimoto's which I'm researching! I've lost 14 lbs that I couldn't get off with diet and working out since taking my new thyroid pill. 

My husband (ish?) is still soul searching. The only difference is now I see MY light. I feel MY power. I am letting it go if it needs to happen or willing to try and rebuild a healthier relationship. 

I honestly have never felt better in my life. I know my life purpose, I feel like I am unzipping my body and blossoming to who I AM. It feels amazing even through this stressful time. It's such an amazing opportunity I was given here in this moment. I am so thankful.

Thank you all so much for helping me through one of the hardest times in my life.

P.S. I am going hang gliding, which is something I'd never do before!!!!!!!!!!

[Will]

5 hours ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

P.S. I am going hang gliding, which is something I'd never do before!!!!!!!!!!

Oh cool !! I wanna come too!!

 

[Kelley White]

On 3/16/2016 at 10:43 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

I don't have cancer, only Hashimoto's which I'm researching! I've lost 14 lbs that I couldn't get off with diet and working out since taking my new thyroid pill. 

@Sarah_Flagg, congratulations on the no cancer.   It sounds like you have found a positve outcome to focus on, that's awesome.!  I'm really happy for you.

On 3/16/2016 at 10:43 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

My husband (ish?) is still soul searching. The only difference is now I see MY light. I feel MY power. I am letting it go if it needs to happen or willing to try and rebuild a healthier relationship. 

I am glad you are focused on you and your progress.  That's awesome as well.

On 3/16/2016 at 10:43 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

I honestly have never felt better in my life. I know my life purpose, I feel like I am unzipping my body and blossoming to who I AM. It feels amazing even through this stressful time. It's such an amazing opportunity I was given here in this moment. I am so thankful.

Thank you all so much for helping me through one of the hardest times in my life.

P.S. I am going hang gliding, which is something I'd never do before!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you.  I hope you have fun Hang Gliding.   I am so happy for you.