The Good Type Of Pain

[Sarah Marie]

Every hour that passes I remind myself of what Leo says, this is a good type of pain. Separating from my husband is giving me the opportunity to grow. I already knew what areas I was working on before we split up, I know exactly what went wrong in our relationship, and I know exactly what I need to do to become the best version of myself. 

But thinking about only seeing my son 50% of the time is literally heart wrenching. Forget the fact that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's yesterday and possible cancer. Nothing sucks more than thinking I only get to see my son 50% of the time. It literally makes me feel like I am going to throw up.

I know this is an opprotunity, I see the positive. Just please someone help me get to a place where I can rationalize doing this to my son. 

[Keyblade Viking]

This is the "Good" kind of pain I know:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7c-XY695hk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6nBcq63MeI

The second one might apply to you, you can't rationalize shit so instead start with focusing on everything bad and cry your eyes out a bit.

Then when you're able to think clearly think about what kind of future your son would have if the two of you still lived together, would you fight a lot etc, maybe you just did what you had to do with the cards you were given.

Now keep on doing that whether you have before or not, be the best mother you can be when he's with you and if the dad is a real ass hole, teach your son how to handle the situation best you know how to.
I don't know if it's different in America or where ever you live but I know we have shit social bureaus (or whatever they're called) here in sweden, my Aunt's 4 kids have a horrible dad but they can't "Prove" all the things he've said so apparently it doesn't matter.

Also if you get cancer, this mental pain is probably the reason, I feel like I recommend these videos to everyone but listen to all of these as well:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDF642D086CDD2711

[Lynnel]

I feel like you're on a point of breakdown and simply try to deny how hurt you actually are. It sounds more of a I'm trying to convince myself speech.

Yes, it's gonna benefit you in the long run, but...you have to get there...and in the short term expect to deal with a lot of negative shit.

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

Awwww! I have never been in your situasition but I can share you a technique I use when something shakes me up. When I feel like shit i usually meditate with sad music. It really gets alot of shit out of your system, when you have cried your ass off you will probably feel more free then what you did before and you should be able to make a call.

[DJ]

I know the feeling @Sarah_Flagg .

After I left my wife and because I was missing my girls, there were many nights that I cried myself to sleep and I hoped that I never woke up. The thought of seeing them again was probably the only thing keeping me going. It was tough as hell and your right, a good type of pain. From that, I found the path of personal development and am a much stronger person. Now I look at a challenge or problem in my life and I'm like pfft, I made it through hell so this is nothing! 

In time, everyone adjusts to the situation so you and your son will be fine. You have taught him valuable lessons in all this. You have taught him not to settle in life, life is about change, bad times always pass, love and life isn't a fairy tale, its OK to be alone, etc.

[Dhana Choko]

All pain is "good type of pain" if you wanna see it that way. However, it does not mean that you can make or should try to make the pain disappear somehow by rationalizing it. You have to be in it, feel it, welcome it to be one with it. You can ask "How may I serve you pain? What can I do to make your experience of me better?" I learned that from a Matt Kahn video and it has worked wonders for me.

[Sarah Marie]

@DJ I pray it gets easier. I feel like I am trying to surrender to the situation but am still sitting here crying.

@Dhana Choko I am going to look for that video. I feel like when I can make sense of something it doesn't hurt as bad. 

[Sarah Marie]

@Lynnel This is probably the case. Not sure I know how to handle it other than cry anyways.

[Dhana Choko]

4 minutes ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

@DJ I pray it gets easier. I feel like I am trying to surrender to the situation but am still sitting here crying.

@Dhana Choko I am going to look for that video. I feel like when I can make sense of something it doesn't hurt as bad. 

Don't try to make the pain better. Just let it stay as long as it stays. It is very tempting to try to find ways to lessen the effect, but the easiest way to be fine with pain, is to welcome it completely in and not try to change it or change your own feelings. If you try to make it smaller or more tolerable, it just comes back again and again cause it wants to be met completely.

I can't find the exact video right now where that was from but here are few that might help.
 

 

 

[Sarah Marie]

@Dhana Choko I understand, I have never done this. Thanks.

[Ken Lecoq]

@Sarah_Flagg On the path toward the discovery of truth and enlightenment, that's very usual for difficulties and obstacles to appear. What you are living is necessary, there is nothing wrong with it.

I want to talk about your disease, because the pain you are feeling, and the obstacles you have in your life might be related to the disease. 

3 hours ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's yesterday and possible cancer.

I've been involved quite a lot in the field of alternative therapies and medicinal plants, with Josep Pamies (in Spain, he is doing quite a lot of conferences about those topics). I've learned there that the primary causes or diseases are emotions and nutrition ; and that the best way to cure a disease is by changing your diet and resolving emotional conflicts. 

An interesting medicine to learn about (related to emotional causes and the resolution of those) is the german new medicine, discovered by the Doctor Hammer : 

 

About nutrition, I can't know what would be the most suitable for you... I heard a lot about alkaline diet, and that cancer cells couldn't grow within an alkaline environement : http://www.acidalkalinediet.net/anti-cancer-diet.php

I also heard about fasting, and about mono-diets (with only red rice, or only grapes, or only strawberries, always with seasonal fruits)... Well, all the information I do have about those topics is in spanish. If you can read spanish, I recommend you suzanne powell books (alimentacion consciente ; le cancer).

From what I learned about alternative therapies, If I had cancer (I know, that's not your case right now, but it might be soon) and the doctors recomended me a chemeotherapy, I would refuse and choose a natural way to cure the disease. I don't really trust in conventional medicine, because it's managed by big farmaceutical companies, and their ultimate goal is to make money and survive as a company, it's not so save lives. They want to have patients alive, but addicted to their drugs. 

Your doctor (if you have a normal doctor) isn't going to talk about emotional causes and nutrition related causes, because he never learned it (it's the most important, but he never learned that). The really effective medicines aren't the officials ones, because they are too effective, and the big companies couldn't make as much money with them... If a patient is totally cured, he isn't cutomer anymore. 

You have a lot of very effective medicines and therapies, but their are alternatives : Chinese medicine (acupuncture, reiki...), medicinal plants, new diet...).

Well, that's just my opinion, You take it or not, that's your decision. I just wanted to share my point of view from my experience. 

 

[Keyblade Viking]

@Dhana Choko Damn, I've thought about that before but he take it so much further, fucking awesome  

[Emerald]

7 hours ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

Every hour that passes I remind myself of what Leo says, this is a good type of pain. Separating from my husband is giving me the opportunity to grow. I already knew what areas I was working on before we split up, I know exactly what went wrong in our relationship, and I know exactly what I need to do to become the best version of myself. 

But thinking about only seeing my son 50% of the time is literally heart wrenching. Forget the fact that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's yesterday and possible cancer. Nothing sucks more than thinking I only get to see my son 50% of the time. It literally makes me feel like I am going to throw up.

I know this is an opprotunity, I see the positive. Just please someone help me get to a place where I can rationalize doing this to my son. 

I'm not you, so I don't know what is the right path for you. But, makes sure that you are acting from a place of wisdom, and not fear. I was considering leaving my husband before because I was so unhappy. But now, things are different and I'm glad that I didn't leave him. I was afraid that he was holding me back, with his super frustrating anger issues. But this turned out to be false. The things that I really want can be achieved with him there and my family intact... except my desire for sexual freedom. It's difficult to think never again forever will I feel the burning passion of the beginning of a relationship with someone new. This ended up being the unconscious crux of my fear that I didn't want to admit to myself. I also, won't cheat because I want to be a good person and stay loyal. My ego doesn't want me to be a cheater.  What's the point in passion spiked with guilt? I still have my desires, and I let myself engage in fantasies that I keep to myself. My husband does too. We talk about it. It's normal to feel this way. But I realize that acting upon my desires would just put me back in the same situation, only with another partner. But when I started accepting my husband, things got better between us. We're doing better than we have been since the first couple months of our relationship. But if it's really time to leave, then it's really time to leave.

[Phocus]

@Sarah_Flagg So where are things now?  Have you guys already separated?

[Sarah Marie]

23 minutes ago, Phocus said:

@Sarah_Flagg So where are things now?  Have you guys already separated?

Ironically enough, I never even decided to leave I was trying to figure it out when he requested the space. Two weeks ago he told me he was the happiest he's ever been. Then he woke up one day and was angry at me and the world. He's been angry ever sense. 

[Phocus]

@Sarah_Flagg I'll get you a proper reply in a few days but in the mean time I recommend that you not make any big changes.  Until then, consider: What do I REALLY gain by separating from my husband?

 

Also:

 

 

[Water]

13 hours ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

I was trying to figure it out when he requested the space.

By this do you mean you brought it up to him?

[Sarah Marie]

@Water Nope, hadn't even mentioned anything yet. 

[Phrae]

What happened? I remember you talking about the relationship and the dynamics. I haven't been active for the last 2 weeks.

[Phocus]

@Sarah_Flagg Hey Sarah -

I have some experience in this area as 2 years ago I made the decision to separate from my wife and our divorce was finalized in the fall of last year.  At the time we separated, my son was only 8 months old.  When I look back on it now, it was a very difficult decision to make.  There are a lot of things that I could have done in our relationship to progress myself that I had never considered and I see some of that represented in this post and others.

Leo has described marriages as "pure chimpery"   and to that, I agree completely.  The only thing more chimpish than marriage though, is divorce.  I have seen a lot of Phocus on your husband but... this should be about you, not about him.  If you do pursue a separation and divorce, you'll have to meet your own needs for fulfillment, satisfaction and purpose.  You can cover it up with dating and the excitement of new relationships but... that wont last very long.  Besides, that's why you got married in the first place, right?  You're heading back to a road you've been down before.  Discover what you truly want.  If you were single RIGHT NOW, what would you be doing differently?  Start doing that RIGHT NOW.  Go through a mental exercise and truly imagine that you are single.  Hell, you can even work out a parenting plan with your husband (while you're still married) where he takes your son 50% of the time so that your schedule is freed up to go out and do the things you think you'd be doing as a single person.  The only thing you can't do is date other people, but any dating you do immediately following your separation (and probably for a year after it) is going to be complete and utter ego gratification so... I would try not to Phocus on that.

You are probably feeling like your husband is an anchor at this point but, that is only true as long as you believe it to be.  By doing these things (going out and exploring yourself and your interests independently) one of two things is going to happen with your marriage: you're either going to drift apart, and then a separation will be much easier and more natural or; you'll discover a greater sense of fulfillment within yourself and without those needs projected onto your husband your relationship will improve.