Focusing on shadow work.

[spicy_pickles]

I briefly read about this (thanks to all who suggested I do this in my other posts).  I think this is something I need to explore. 

My current relationship is not working and is not sustainable. This I know.  I am working on getting the confidence and courage to leave this behind. 

Secondly, the one thing that brings me extreme anxiety and discomfort is the thought of my partner’s children rejecting me. 

This should be a no-brainer for many reasons. First of all, I’m not in this relationship for the long haul. Secondly, they are HIS kids, not mine. However, each and every time they would come to our house, I would become extremely anxious - will they hate me?  Is this the week they reject me?  Is this the week they choose their father over me?  

I have figured out that I have a shadow deep inside of me that fears rejection. I always had to have peers and teachers like me. I have always visualized myself as this grand person who has a knockout body, makes tons of cash, has it all, has people falling all over me, etc. In those mind movies, I have the haters, but I put them in their place. 

I always went out of my way to have friends like me. Always. 

So, I never did anything I wanted to do, instead I stuck around his kids so they could choose me. That was, until recently. I did want I wanted to do. That means I’m not there for them the past few days. That means I’m super anxious in thinking I will come back to them deciding I’m worthless and they will not want a thing to do with me. They will say bad things about me.  They will hate me.  

I think it was a big step for me, but I have a feeling the shadow work will further help me not only with this, but other development.