Extreme existential fear

[Max_V]

I’ve been doing self inquiry for about two 2 months consistently and one thing I theme I noticed reoccuring is this deep existential fear that comes once in a while.

I just had it again. It was after Leo’s video on strange loops that I started self-inquiry. I sat down with already much fear in my body, my heart beating heavily, and the fealing of fear shivering throughout my entire body.

At some point, it got so bad, if felt like my body was actually thinking it was going to die. I started feeling lightheaded, my heart beating so fast I couldn’t sense its rythem anymore, it was the scariest moment of my life.

I became aware of the deep, deep attachement I have with existing. To the point where I had to stop the inquiry because it felt like my heart was going to explode.

How can I help my body accept and surrender to not being a self?

How can I change the deep belief that my body will die during this process?

Surrendering to this litteraly felt impossible. It was against my entire intuition of being human whatsoever.

[Leo Gura]

Yup, that's how it works.

Enlightenment is death.

No shortcut around it. You gotta keep facing it until you break through. The desire for Truth must outweigh the desire for life.

It helps if you can intuit that death is an illusion. You are already dead. You just don't know it yet

Psychedelics help a lot for this particular problem, as they will just force the death upon you, even if you are scared, so it will be too late to stop it.

[nightrider1435]

I've experienced this, ego actually thinking it will die, heart pounding. I really don't know what else to recommend other than keep going at your own pace. You start to realize how hardcore this work can be. Your giving yourself up for truth, the mind is gonna kick and scream. 

[Spiral]

@Max_V No more let life divide what death can join together! Fear is fine, that just means you getting somewhere 

[JustinS]

@Max_V dude that’s totally good sign of progress. You’re actually getting somewhere with your practice and contemplations. This is where the “rubber meets the road.” Whenever I get these feelings of anxiety/terror I make sure I double down and go for it all the way with the best of my abilities. You become so openminded that you will eventually kill yourself. 

Your desire for Truth should have a snowball effect. Where eventually you’ll be mature enough to handle it. That is why most older spiritually inclinded people are into this. They are ready and ripe for reunion with the divine. 

Edited December 25, 2017 by JustinS

[Max_V]

@Leo Gura Ye it’s really starting to dawn me, this process is way different than I anticipated when I started. 

When I started this journey it was just that I wanted Enlightenment because it sounded cool and the concept looked way better than my current experience of life. This was just a complete illusion. 

I guess I will just let the process work itself. Maybe diving in balls deep is the best way but currently ‘dying’ doesn’t outway my desire of Truth.

How can I convince my entire being that it is already dead? that “I” never existed in the first place. 

@JustinS

I want to fucking double down, but it goes against my entire being. I litteraly have no control over it. There is just an automatic backing down.

 

Edited December 25, 2017 by Max_V

[JustinS]

@Max_V have you experimented with psychedelics? 

[Nahm]

@Max_V  I love it.         You’re made of atoms. Atoms are empty. Yet here you are. Is that “alive”, is that “dead”. An illusion is when something appears to be something other than what it is, or when something appears to be happening, which in actuality isn’t happening. Another route is using a pen and paper, and writing everything that comes to mind about your experience being born, dying, not being God. When you’re done, scribble out any beliefs - things which you honestly have no experience with. Without white, there’s no black, without black, there’s no white. When you see one, you know the other.  “This was just a complete illusion” he says. I’m very excited for you. ❤️

[Max_V]

@Nahm I will give it shot, thanks

@JustinS No I havent. I might do it in the future. I have a couple reasons for that, 

1) me being (almost) 18 and living at home with a family

2) Being too scared to since I have no control over what will happen.

[Max_V]

32 minutes ago, JustinS said:

Your desire for Truth should have a snowball effect. Where eventually you’ll be mature enough to handle it. That is why most older spiritually inclinded people are into this. They are ready and ripe for reunion with the divine. 

@JustinS I have had some intuition towards this aswell. The longer I have been into pursuing Truth, the more surrendering becomes an option. Even though just now I couldn’t surrender at all, it still felt more viable of an option then when I started having this fear for the first time.

I guess letting it play out and just keeping at it will be everything I can do heh?

Edited December 25, 2017 by Max_V

[JustinS]

@Max_V wow, you’re still young. I applaud you for getting into this early on. At 18 I was as lost as a human being could be, endulging, and cluelessly destroying my mind and body.

Keep going and don’t be so quick result oriented. Enjoy the process. Imagine where you’ll be at age 23! Wow. 

[phoenix666]

you're on the right path. how do you know it's true? it scares you to death! I'm so excited for you! keep going, but give yourself the time you deserve. be kind to yourself <3

[Max_V]

@phoenix666 Thanks, I guess love and acceptance really comes into play here.

Pretty beautiful when you think about it, my body is reacting in such a way is just because it wants to protect.

I mean, that is love itself.

[phoenix666]

4 minutes ago, Max_V said:

Pretty beautiful when you think about it, my body is reacting in such a way is just because it wants to protect.

I mean, that is love itself.

you recognize fear as an act of love, beautifully put  

[snowleopard]

Ah existential fear ... Once mortal enemy,  just longs to be embraced like an old friend. 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Max_V said:

How can I convince my entire being that it is already dead? that “I” never existed in the first place.

You can't. It is a thing beyond the notion of "being convinced."

An awakening must happen.

[Afonso]

Yeah, buddy, it's horrible! But you will push through it anyways!

You know you have to surrender, all this posting and replying is just resistance. And you know this, of course.

I wish you well.

Edited December 25, 2017 by Afonso

[Shin]

FULFILL YOUR DESTINY !!!

Edited December 26, 2017 by Shin

[Max_V]

@Shin I guess I’m not ready yet. Not ready to let go of this persona and attachments. 

On one hand I want this very much

On the other hand it feels impossible to go do this without ‘myself’. There is the inner assumption that this ‘myself’ has been experiencing everything. When I give up on it and let go, I won’t exist anymore.

this happens every time. I meditate a lot, read a lot on enlightenment, study my experience, but when the moment comes that I have to surrender ‘me’, there is a backing down and an instinct that says “No, this can’t be!”

 

There is the deep belief that body and self are linked. That without the self, my body will die

Edited December 26, 2017 by Max_V

[Max_V]

That’s it, I tried to face the fear again. I went with a loving approach towards the body and gave myself permision to stop if it got too bad.

In the end I just sat through most of the fear because I strongly felt this had nothing to do with my body dying. Something else was dying.

There were a couple insights to be had.

- I have the belief that for a body to exists, it needs a self, without it, it will die. 

- All the things I think that I am, my insecurities, fearful reactions in situation, behaviour is just an addon to who I truely am. It doesn’t define that one.

 

I don’t know how I will move forward now, I guess I will just keep on contemplating and researching and investigating. This probably wasn’t some big awakening, but it does feel like my sense of self has shifted and some new insights were found.

@JustinS

@Leo Gura

@Shin

@Nahm

Edited December 26, 2017 by Max_V