Hey guys, honestly I am not really sure how to structure this properly since things seem scattered, but I’ll give it my best. I mainly use psychedelics for self-“discovery”/self-inquiry and meditation. So yesterday, I felt that it would be a good day to start this journey. What maybe really sparked me to take LSD, was the fact that I felt more aware than on other days, so I hoped that I would go extra deep this day. My mood was good. I was alone sitting in my room. I had food, things to drink, relaxing music, my guitar and other stuff at hand so it would generally be a good experience. I took LSD around 13:00, four tabs at first. I sat there being mindful (I am trying to be mindful 24/7 – started only recently), listening to music, Alan Watts etc. Time passes, probably 01:30h but nothing really noticeable changes perception wise. Sure I was overall a bit more aware, but I expected more. So, I took two more tabs and waited for the effects to come up. Still, not really what I expected, but I decided to accept it for what it is and just started meditating. Meditation was alright – not much of a change but I decided to meditate for a bit over an hour, which was quite the enduring of pain. I usually meditate 30-40 minutes, if I do longer sits my leg will start to scream in pain. But this time, I was determined to accept the pain, notice it and continue. The pain got more and more noticeable, so in the end of the 1h+ I stood up and sat on the couch to meditate with music, and whilst having a more comfortable position for the legs. I think I sat there for 50 minutes while trying to be aware and just noticing stuff. Then I opened my eyes, and started to self-inquire more deeply (I tend to do it a bit during meditation too using mainly awareness.) I think that I’ve had some insights, and man I’ve gotten to a state where I felt connected to everything. I wondered at first… “Ok, so you’re not this because this changes. “You’re not that because that also changes.” etc. and then it kinda hit me, “What are you not?” – this I find difficult to phrase correctly, since it can be interpreted wrong. With, “What aren’t you?” I mean… what the hell are you not in current experience? x) Everything is you, so what aren’t you? How can anything be “not you”? So once I somehow had this train of thought feelings of being everything, or at least feeling that everything is connected came up. I noticed that feelings and thought aren’t me, at least not the core me that I am trying to become conscious of. I think the illusory ego tried to trick me here, in thinking that I’ve figured it out. It was so damn sneaky, that at times it seemed that I had to consciously think in order to have thought. So… that’s where things slowly went out of hand. I noticed that “the voice” or monkey mind started to become more aggressive. It was saying things like “Dude you saw through the illusion. Man, now I can say that I pierced through the truth. Now things will be much easier. Man, you don’t really feel that happy but maybe you’re enlightened now after all since the “real” you is not an emotion." I was mindful here. I saw that yes it was quite the experience, but monkey mind still did its thing and there was no real peace/full acceptance at all anyhow, so I still had a way to go towards enlightenment. It was probably around 22:00 (+-) and by this time I felt rather anxious and depressed, and monkey mind got louder and quite hostile. It turned from, “Well shit, I feel like I am everything, that’s so beautiful.” to, “You’re a fucking idiot, thinking you can get rid of me!? Why don’t you just give up already and fucking off yourself you worthless cowardly cu**? Thinking you can avoid and control me huh?” It talked non-stop even when I tried to distract myself playing the guitar, watching videos etc. I finally decided to do my final meditation of the day, and oh man… I sat down, the voice was still rambling but I just started to focus on my breathing and it slowly got a bit quieter. Well… what do when the voice tactic doesn’t work as good anymore? Yeah, let’s do closed-eye visuals. Here it went absolutely insane. I saw the most gruesome shit you can imagine, constant images. It involved gore, tons of gore. People getting their throat slit, maggots coming out from open wounds, people getting tortured, me cutting my wrist with a knife, people getting raped and gored afterwards, “evil/demonic” faces in jump scare-style, people burning – eaten alive – self mutilation – getting their guts ripped out and so on… I sat through it, but I think it’s safe to say that it was quite… not so that what I hoped for. This just goes to show how rotten and fucked up my mind is. I would say it went from a relatively good experience to, “well let me tell & show you a few things m8”. Even though it has been months since I tripped before that and the one before this was great, I think I might be better off staying away from psychedelics, at least for a while.