feeling like im lacking something

[Viking]

in the past month I think i've been feeling the best in my life. When I compare how I feel right now compared to my school days all the way from elementary to high school (im 19) I feel so free right now, even though the stress of my studies should be tearing me apart. I feel like whatever will happen i'll be able to embrace it. 

However, at the same time I feel like that "okness" with life reduced my highs. I think I made a pretty good job describing it in the following graphs:

As you can see, the average is better, but the highs are not nearly there. (the vertical axis is not definitely "joy" didnt know how to name it)

without these highs, there comes a subtle feeling of lack, and even though I dont really suffer heavily from it, I have the desire to not have that feeling.

Sure I may sound contradictory, on the one hand I can embrace stuff and on the other hand I have a desire to change stuff. It's probably because I dont embrace fully enough or dont surrender fully enough to the present moment. I feel like surrendering to the present moment in the short term (for example strong bad emotions for a few seconds) is more or less easy, but keeping that surrender for the long term (like being ok with constant lack) is extremely hard.

what do you think about the long vs short term surrender and what do you think I should do (or not do) about the lack feeling (a kind of numbness)?

[AleksM]

@Ilya

Your body has a need to release happy chemicals.

Modern society makes everything so easy, that you don't have to try hard to release those chemicals. So you lose the ability to release those chemicals and start to depend on external stimuli for the high. Start going to the gym, exercise  and you Will not feel as much of a lack anymore. Find your favorite way of releasing your happy chemicals. I like intense physical exercise - lifting weights, hiking and walking for hours, playing football.

Long term surrender is easier when you learn to stabilize your mood.

 

Edited December 23, 2017 by AleksM
grammar

[Viking]

@AleksM I exercise regularly, but the happiness pales in comparison to my early days of playing good video games for example.

[AleksM]

@Ilya

You don't want to base your life on high hights because those are not natural releases of dopamine and after those there are usually low lows. When you play video games you stimulate the brain to release happy chemicals, and then those happy chemicals bond you to the video games.

You don't want to base your happiness on outside stimuli. Internal happiness is much more powerful and sustainable, you can always rely on the inside world.

Also, if you overstimulate the production of dopamine with modern technology, then you Will open more dopamine gates than normal. This Will result in withdrawal symptoms and you Will need more and more stimuli to satisfy the urge for dopamine, resulting in addiction. Not good.

The opened gates Will become dormant for a few months and can be activated again with just one use, so you need some time to pass, for the gates to close completely. After a year of consistency with the basics everything should be good and you Will not feel lack anymore. You feel lack because you overstimulated the production of dopamine in the past.

When you over stimulate yourself, you lose sensitivity to life.

 

 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Ilya said:

@AleksM I exercise regularly, but the happiness pales in comparison to my early days of playing good video games for example.

Injecting heroin tends to make other things pale in comparision

[Shin]

The second graph will go higher and higher, it's a long term process.

Even if it couldn't increase, living the way you do now is way better anyway, you just need to find a purpose on work on it.

@Ilya See, you did it, now change your avatar and put something more positive  

Edited December 23, 2017 by Shin

[Viking]

@Shin @Leo Gura @AleksM @Shiva great answers so far, and they clearly helped to clear things out  But now I think that the lack doesnt really come out of absence of positive feelings, but something I cant seem to explain. I had an insight from a trip a few months ago that no matter how good a certain feeling is, it wont fill that lack/hole whatever, the feeling of that theres something thats missing doesnt get filled by positive emotions.

that subject gets touched a lot in the area of life purpose - "fulfillment", and that is a long term thing. I think that even life purpose cant fill that lack. I think the answer to that is to realize that the present moment is all there is, but how does one realize that? I dont think its enlightenment, its slightly different and could be grasped intellectually, I might be wrong though.

[snowleopard]

@Ilya  Here's the catch ... It's impossible to fill the void, because the void is all that is, what one is in essence, and forever full. Best get used to it

[LaucherJunge]

@Ilya Seems like you are driven to do some shadow work right now. Doing shadow work might make your joy even lower for a few days but in the end when successful it will make your limit for the average higher.

[Viking]

1 hour ago, Shin said:

@Ilya See, you did it, now change your avatar and put something more positive  

lol I think actually it's just the calm before the storm these few months.

31 minutes ago, snowleopard said:

@Ilya  Here's the catch ... It's impossible to fill the void, because the void is all that is, what one is in essence, and forever full. Best get used to it

wow that's actually an extremely great insight, I should try looking at that void that's there, I didnt think about it 

Edited December 23, 2017 by Ilya

[snowleopard]

@Ilya  I feel this was already glimpsed, so all it takes is a nudge to let go of the cliff-edge of attachments

[snowleopard]

 

 

[Markus]

Feeling of lack is very common with selfing (being a self ). You may also romanticize the past where you had more highs and lows. It probably wasn't as great as you imagine it to be. Another thing is, trying to surrender before enlightenment you may become kind of numb, which may be more content than your previous state but lack the fluctuations. Surrender may become a kind of suppression. Assuming you're doing some meditation/enlightenment practice keep doing that of course. Numbness is a phase that should pass.

[ADD]

I've lost the "joy" aswell, or i think "excitement" would describe it better. I think the excitement came from expectation of future events and gratification of ego.(?)

But on the plus side, i've noticed when i look in the eyes of another human being or any animal i feel this strange feeling i didn't notice i've felt before. I'm not sure if it's love but it's somehow very connecting, peaceful, compassionate feeling.