Falling back Into My Negative Life. Help Me Please

[Dsteller]

A few days ago, I posted a post here about my ex-girlfriend coming back to me saying she wants to get back together and that she needs help getting out of her dark patch since we broke up. A lot has happened since then and I’m really in the need of some guidance to get myself on the right path (as since she came back I’ve become quite neurotic) and do the right thing.

I used to be on such an amazing path of growth but since she came back, I've become miserable and neurotic. Please help.

Here’s the background:

She and I dated for over a year before we both left to college. I left the states and went to Ireland to go to school and she stayed around home for college. We had a really wonderful relationship for the first few months. I would ALWAYS drive the one hour to see her (she lived an hour away from me) and she would seldom come to my house to see my family. However, very shortly after, I threw away all of my core values for this girl, most importantly my authenticity and independence. (the last thing I did for my true self was applying to school in Ireland.) The rules her parents instilled that, when I questioned them I was greeted with a “because and that’s that.” Not okay with me, never was, but I loved her so I said “okay.”

As the relationship grew on, we fell more and more in love, and then we got more and more lost in it leading to us becoming completely dependent. This is to say, I used to have my own life, working at a medical school as a high schooler, then it turned to: school, facetime, sleep, repeat. Then get to see her once a week. I completely lost my life path. The death of the relationship followed suit.

For months later, she and I had a lot of difficulties and differences, a lot derived from her parents. She comes from strict Christian family where she wasn’t able to even have a sleep over with friends. The first time she ever slept away from home was when she came to my house for 4th of july about a year into our relationship. We weren’t able to enjoy that time fully as she was so scared about screwing something up and her parents hearing about it.

As the time of separation (because of parting for college) grew closer, things got very bad. I realized at some point that I wanted my independence back and by doing that, I felt tethered to her. This led to a HUGE problem between me, her, and her family as the independence I needed (with my life and thus with her) was not possible as her parents didn’t let her have the independence I needed. This led to many many fights and many promises of “when I go to college it’ll be better” which it wasn’t.

So, when the time came for me to leave the states and go to college, we decided to stay together and try long distance while trying to start new lives in new places. As one can imagine, for her especially, this led to a shit storm. For her, it was the first time being exposed to alcohol and drugs and horny sex driven dudes. For me, I left and nothing changed. I was still trying to get the old me back and it paused my growth as I moved to a new country. My life there didn’t really start until we broke up.

When she moved to college, she started drinking, making poor friends who tried to take advantage of her, and I saw this and tried so hard to get the woman I loved back, but I couldn’t. She started lying to me and I tried controlling. The relationship died a week later.

The day after breaking up, I learned she started hooking up with dudes the night of breaking up with me and started drinking A LOT, like most nights of the week. As for me, I chased after girls and texted them and said I’d go to parties. I’m not a partier, I don’t like them, and I never went to a party or got with one of the girls I chased after.

I quickly realized (in about 1-2 weeks) I was sick with myself. The man I’d become was not the man I want to be. I didn’t have my independence or authentic. I didn’t have my identity. I immediately withdrew from my life. I deleted facebook, Instagram, and snapchat. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore or hurt anyone. I started watching Leo’s videos and I quickly grasped onto Personal Development as the path back to finding myself.

I would meditate and just go through my life and not think about my ex. It was too painful to think about her and what she was doing or whatever it was. I realized, through my development and meditation, that I was the reason the relationship fell apart. I lost my life path (what, for any man, is the number one priority) and thus I lost my identity and I lost her.

From this point, I just turned completely inwards, no external solutions to my internal problems. I turned into my music and my life path. I soon began writing A LOT of music and started gigging around Dublin. As time went on, I moved on from what happened and I grew to find who I am again and what my life path is and what my core values are. This led to such development to the extent that I was offered a record label and I was playing gigs for hundreds of people.

Just coming home for break, I started to realize who I really am again. I found the man I wanted to be and I would work backwards (reverse engineering) to get there.

One of the first things I did when I got home was go out to a cabin, with no wifi or anything, with my best friend and “ghost.” On our car ride out there, my friend got texts from my ex, which led to a call soon after with me, the first time I heard her voice in 3 months since she broke up with me.

On that call, my ex had told me “she wanted to get back together” and all about her dark spell of “hooking up with a bunch of guys and getting drunk most nights. I’m really wanting to get out of this time and that’s why I’m coming to you because you’re the only person I can talk to about this.” This all made me sick to my stomach, but I tried staying true to all of the growth I did and staying true to my core values. I told her “That was your growth and that’s what you had to do. I can be here to love you, support you, and lead you, but the growth is yours to do.”

Two nights later, she called me late asking “Should I go to this party and get drunk and have all these guys flirt with me and hook up with them?” And I said, “That’s your decision to decide, but if you want to grow from that dark place, you have to do the work and going there would only make things worse, but that’s yours to find.” This led to her not going out and us talking about how she wants to grow and get out of her Anxiety Spiral. She feels ashamed of what she’s doing and feels lonely and sad about what she’s done, so she goes back to the same thing that hurts her to escape, continuing the negative cycle. It saddens my heart.

I never wanted to break up with her in the first place. I love her unconditionally. I worked SO hard on figuring my things out and getting my identity back and I realized I still love her and want to be with her.

She obviously has hit rock bottom and has all the best of her growing to do. When we called the next morning, she was her old self and some of the things she said brought me back to who I used to be. I became so neurotic and I fell back to who I was. I pushed and pushed and pushed and she hung up on me. I realized what I’d done, that I was not ready, and I apologized ceaselessly.

Soon after, I broke down for 30 minutes on my kitchen floor balling my eyes out. All of the growth I had gone through was thrown out because I ran with our love that we still have. I need to deploy patience and empathy.

She forgave me and saw how hurt I was for hurting her, but more importantly, hurting myself. Later that night however, she said to me “I think we need to just be friends right now and grow from there” then later saying that she wants to lose her virginity to me. I told her “I know what I want, and I agree, a friendship is the foundation to any relationship. We need to start there and be patient and empathetic. But I don’t want you to be in my life and hear about you dating other guys. I know I want you. But I don’t think you know what you really want. A few days ago, you called saying you want me back, then you called me asking if you should go get drunk and hook up with other guys (absolutely crushing my heart), then promising to grow and watch Leo’s videos (which you never did), and now say you want to be friends. I too am growing, but I have reached a point where I know what I want whether or not I’m ready. But I want you and for us to be faithful even if we are just friends. Maybe we need to take more time apart to grow?” She responded to this with “I’m sleepy, can we talk about this later?” I just said, “okay.”

This morning, she called me, and I didn’t like the woman I was talking to. She was talking in a weird way (different than normal) and like she was neurotic. I said I’m having a really tough morning dealing some family things and some internal problems, and she just said “aw man,” then just moved on to singing some stupid song on the radio.

As you can tell, I’m a mess. I’m absolutely in my own way and I hate myself for it. I had so much growth and all of it’s gone. I want her so badly and I love her, but she just isn’t sure of herself and neither am I. In the few days she’s been back in my life, I haven’t eaten, I can’t mediate, and I’ve stopped writing music. I feel like shit. I guess I’m asking for some guidance on this in any way and for someone to offer a light to a path that I will work my own to head down. 

[Dsteller]

I want to add that the reason I'm so keen on helping her get out of her dark place comes from a series of places: 1. Selfishness because I love her and I want her as my teammate and partner 2. I love her and it hurts me to see her hurt 3. She has no one else to help her out of her dark spiral and figuring things out. I am not to do her growth for her, but put her on the right path.

[TimStr]

Some general advice:

1. Fist, get your own shit back together, THEN help out others. 
2. Don't beat yourself up! The path is long and you will stumble a lot. Growth actually happens by failing a lot! So don't worry about that. Every time you fail an feel like shit, say to yourself: "This is only going to make me stronger!" Then get back up on your feet and start walking again. 

Some specific advice:

• Make a clear decision and stick to it! Your ex is changing her mind a lot because she is confused and doesn't know, what she wants. And actually: You don't know what you want either! So make up your mind and then tell her. Don't justify or explain yourself, just tell her! Then go do it and stick to it! (Hint: Anticipate, that this is going to be very hard.)
• Go watch Leos video about self acceptance! Watch it at least once a week for the next two months. This will completely change you! Send it to your ex so she can also go watch it. 
• Give her a sense of deep acceptance and space. Yes she hurt you a lot and you want her to stop. And yes you probably can't bear to see her suffering any more and you want her to change and grow for her own sake. But if you want a person to grow, the most important thing they need is space! One of the most beautiful definitions of true love I ever heard was: creating a space to grow. She should not feel obligated to you in any way! 

Edited December 23, 2017 by TimStr

[NoSelfSelf]

2 mistakes i see (but i understand you completely) 1.You never give up on anything or let her change you,she will love you more when she sees you on your path and that she is not your path(making her number 1 will always end up bad)

2.You are her boyfriend not her therapist you are not there to help her or to fix her you are there to give her fun and to be someone to talk to (in rare cases she will ask you for help ) 

Good luck ...

[Dsteller]

@TimStr You're very right, and thank you for the wisdom. I bit the bullet last night and told her that I can't have her in my life right now but that I was happy to point her in the right direction. I need to be completely authentic and independent and grounded in my true self before I can have her back in my life and I feel the same for her. I told her my points and she said "okay, cool." and then we said "I love you." and parted ways. 

I woke up this morning feeling really sad about it, but I do know that it is the growth that I need. Thank you

[Dsteller]

@K VIL Thank you so much for the optimism and kind words. ^ I did that last night and I sure am crawling and it hurts, but the growth will come. One of my favourite musicians says, "Time with be the healer once again." and that couldn't be any more true right now. I need to heal myself first. Thank you for the wisdom and guidance