Relapsing into a Negative Life. Need Guidance Please

[Dsteller]

A few days ago, I posted a post here about my ex-girlfriend coming back to me saying she wants to get back together and that she needs help getting out of her dark patch since we broke up. A lot has happened since then and I’m really in the need of some guidance to get myself on the right path (as since she came back I’ve become quite neurotic) and do the right thing.

I used to be on such an amazing path of growth but since she came back, I've become miserable and neurotic. Please help.

Here’s the background:

She and I dated for over a year before we both left to college. I left the states and went to Ireland to go to school and she stayed around home for college. We had a really wonderful relationship for the first few months. I would ALWAYS drive the one hour to see her (she lived an hour away from me) and she would seldom come to my house to see my family. However, very shortly after, I threw away all of my core values for this girl, most importantly my authenticity and independence. (the last thing I did for my true self was applying to school in Ireland.) The rules her parents instilled that, when I questioned them I was greeted with a “because and that’s that.” Not okay with me, never was, but I loved her so I said “okay.”

As the relationship grew on, we fell more and more in love, and then we got more and more lost in it leading to us becoming completely dependent. This is to say, I used to have my own life, working at a medical school as a high schooler, then it turned to: school, facetime, sleep, repeat. Then get to see her once a week. I completely lost my life path. The death of the relationship followed suit.

For months later, she and I had a lot of difficulties and differences, a lot derived from her parents. She comes from strict Christian family where she wasn’t able to even have a sleep over with friends. The first time she ever slept away from home was when she came to my house for 4th of july about a year into our relationship. We weren’t able to enjoy that time fully as she was so scared about screwing something up and her parents hearing about it.

As the time of separation (because of parting for college) grew closer, things got very bad. I realized at some point that I wanted my independence back and by doing that, I felt tethered to her. This led to a HUGE problem between me, her, and her family as the independence I needed (with my life and thus with her) was not possible as her parents didn’t let her have the independence I needed. This led to many many fights and many promises of “when I go to college it’ll be better” which it wasn’t.

So, when the time came for me to leave the states and go to college, we decided to stay together and try long distance while trying to start new lives in new places. As one can imagine, for her especially, this led to a shit storm. For her, it was the first time being exposed to alcohol and drugs and horny sex driven dudes. For me, I left and nothing changed. I was still trying to get the old me back and it paused my growth as I moved to a new country. My life there didn’t really start until we broke up.

When she moved to college, she started drinking, making poor friends who tried to take advantage of her, and I saw this and tried so hard to get the woman I loved back, but I couldn’t. She started lying to me and I tried controlling. The relationship died a week later.

The day after breaking up, I learned she started hooking up with dudes the night of breaking up with me and started drinking A LOT, like most nights of the week. As for me, I chased after girls and texted them and said I’d go to parties. I’m not a partier, I don’t like them, and I never went to a party or got with one of the girls I chased after.

I quickly realized (in about 1-2 weeks) I was sick with myself. The man I’d become was not the man I want to be. I didn’t have my independence or authentic. I didn’t have my identity. I immediately withdrew from my life. I deleted facebook, Instagram, and snapchat. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore or hurt anyone. I started watching Leo’s videos and I quickly grasped onto Personal Development as the path back to finding myself.

I would meditate and just go through my life and not think about my ex. It was too painful to think about her and what she was doing or whatever it was. I realized, through my development and meditation, that I was the reason the relationship fell apart. I lost my life path (what, for any man, is the number one priority) and thus I lost my identity and I lost her.

From this point, I just turned completely inwards, no external solutions to my internal problems. I turned into my music and my life path. I soon began writing A LOT of music and started gigging around Dublin. As time went on, I moved on from what happened and I grew to find who I am again and what my life path is and what my core values are. This led to such development to the extent that I was offered a record label and I was playing gigs for hundreds of people.

Just coming home for break, I started to realize who I really am again. I found the man I wanted to be and I would work backwards (reverse engineering) to get there.

One of the first things I did when I got home was go out to a cabin, with no wifi or anything, with my best friend and “ghost.” On our car ride out there, my friend got texts from my ex, which led to a call soon after with me, the first time I heard her voice in 3 months since she broke up with me.

On that call, my ex had told me “she wanted to get back together” and all about her dark spell of “hooking up with a bunch of guys and getting drunk most nights. I’m really wanting to get out of this time and that’s why I’m coming to you because you’re the only person I can talk to about this.” This all made me sick to my stomach, but I tried staying true to all of the growth I did and staying true to my core values. I told her “That was your growth and that’s what you had to do. I can be here to love you, support you, and lead you, but the growth is yours to do.”

Two nights later, she called me late asking “Should I go to this party and get drunk and have all these guys flirt with me and hook up with them?” And I said, “That’s your decision to decide, but if you want to grow from that dark place, you have to do the work and going there would only make things worse, but that’s yours to find.” This led to her not going out and us talking about how she wants to grow and get out of her Anxiety Spiral. She feels ashamed of what she’s doing and feels lonely and sad about what she’s done, so she goes back to the same thing that hurts her to escape, continuing the negative cycle. It saddens my heart.

I never wanted to break up with her in the first place. I love her unconditionally. I worked SO hard on figuring my things out and getting my identity back and I realized I still love her and want to be with her.

She obviously has hit rock bottom and has all the best of her growing to do. When we called the next morning, she was her old self and some of the things she said brought me back to who I used to be. I became so neurotic and I fell back to who I was. I pushed and pushed and pushed and she hung up on me. I realized what I’d done, that I was not ready, and I apologized ceaselessly.

Soon after, I broke down for 30 minutes on my kitchen floor balling my eyes out. All of the growth I had gone through was thrown out because I ran with our love that we still have. I need to deploy patience and empathy.

She forgave me and saw how hurt I was for hurting her, but more importantly, hurting myself. Later that night however, she said to me “I think we need to just be friends right now and grow from there” then later saying that she wants to lose her virginity to me. I told her “I know what I want, and I agree, a friendship is the foundation to any relationship. We need to start there and be patient and empathetic. But I don’t want you to be in my life and hear about you dating other guys. I know I want you. But I don’t think you know what you really want. A few days ago, you called saying you want me back, then you called me asking if you should go get drunk and hook up with other guys (absolutely crushing my heart), then promising to grow and watch Leo’s videos (which you never did), and now say you want to be friends. I too am growing, but I have reached a point where I know what I want whether or not I’m ready. But I want you and for us to be faithful even if we are just friends. Maybe we need to take more time apart to grow?” She responded to this with “I’m sleepy, can we talk about this later?” I just said, “okay.”

This morning, she called me, and I didn’t like the woman I was talking to. She was talking in a weird way (different than normal) and like she was neurotic. I said I’m having a really tough morning dealing some family things and some internal problems, and she just said “aw man,” then just moved on to singing some stupid song on the radio.

As you can tell, I’m a mess. I’m absolutely in my own way and I hate myself for it. I had so much growth and all of it’s gone. I want her so badly and I love her, but she just isn’t sure of herself and neither am I. In the few days she’s been back in my life, I haven’t eaten, I can’t mediate, and I’ve stopped writing music. I feel like shit. I guess I’m asking for some guidance on this in any way and for someone to offer a light to a path that I will work my own to head down. 

[Dsteller]

I want to add that the reason I'm so keen on helping her get out of her dark place comes from a series of places: 1. Selfishness because I love her and I want her as my teammate and partner 2. I love her and it hurts me to see her hurt 3. She has no one else to help her out of her dark spiral and figuring things out. I am not to do her growth for her, but put her on the right path.

[pluto]

No one comes before your own peace as when you are at peace you cannot be effected by anyone or anything else.

[snowleopard]

7 hours ago, Dsteller said:

In the few days she’s been back in my life, I haven’t eaten, I can’t mediate, and I’ve stopped writing music. I feel like shit.

@Dsteller  This sure seems like suffering.  I've been there done that with a lover once.  And learned there's no way that it's going to help anyone, to be pulled into their dysfunction, and suffer along with them. It's just going to perpetuate it. The best you can do is to be a clear and constant example of what the alternative to suffering is, and trust that they will be moved in that direction. If not, then they do what they're compelled to do, regardless of your best intentions, and you're probably best to let go as compassionately as possible, as painful as such tough love can be, and focus on your own deep inquiry, until suffering is no longer triggered by such situations.  Nothing else is going to make much difference in lieu of that.

[Dsteller]

@pluto Your words have not been more heard and true. I must find my own peace first before being able to be of worth to my partner.

[Dsteller]

19 minutes ago, snowleopard said:

@Dsteller  This sure seems like suffering.  I've been there done that with a lover once.  And learned there's no way that it's going to help anyone, to be pulled into their dysfunction, and suffer along with them. It's just going to perpetuate it. The best you can do is to be a clear and constant example of what the alternative to suffering is, and trust that they will be moved in that direction. If not, then they do what they're compelled to do, regardless of your best intentions, and you're probably best to let go as compassionately as possible, as painful as such tough love can be, and focus on your own deep inquiry, until suffering is no longer triggered by such situations.  Nothing else is going to make much difference in lieu of that.

You're very wise and very true, especially with the piece of advise to lead by leaving. I got her to start watching Leo's videos and then after that, I told her, "I can't stick around, for a sake of my own growth. Maybe when the stars align again and we've both grown, we can start a relationship, but right now I need to grow alone and I know you will find that truth for yourself soon." 

It was a really tough pill to swallow as I don't know if this is going to have her head back down her negative spell, but I can't control her or her actions. Like you said, all I can do is lead by example and grow from there. I must let go and turn inwards. Thank you.

[pluto]

17 minutes ago, Dsteller said:

@pluto Your words have not been more heard and true. I must find my own peace first before being able to be of worth to my partner.

Been going through the same thing for 5 years with not just my ex-partner but my friends/family as well. They will feed of you "unconsciously" because you are a representation of truth/light they haven't found within themselves yet but if they do not wish to do the work themselves your attachment to them will only distort your own spiritual progress and freedom.

I only recently started to cut everyone out again this year, life is so much better and quickly getting back to my pure self again and i realize they do not effect me anymore the longer i stay and be with myself

They must learn for themselves in order to grow for themselves.

Edited December 23, 2017 by pluto

[Dsteller]

11 hours ago, pluto said:

Been going through the same thing for 5 years with not just my ex-partner but my friends/family as well. They will feed of you "unconsciously" because you are a representation of truth/light they haven't found within themselves yet but if they do not wish to do the work themselves your attachment to them will only distort your own spiritual progress and freedom.

I only recently started to cut everyone out again this year, life is so much better and quickly getting back to my pure self again and i realize they do not effect me anymore the longer i stay and be with myself

They must learn for themselves in order to grow for themselves.

You're right. And I'm relieved to see that there are others out there going through something similar and that I'm not alone. This was. HUGE test of my character and growth. I cut things off from her, but it hurts like a mother F. I woke up this morning thinking of her. But I realized that I have done all I could. I tried having her in my life, EVERYTHING (my body, family, mind, life) all pointed to that being a wrong move, and I became neurotic and shut down. I pointed her in the right direction towards helping herself (Leo and Elliott Hulse's videos etc) and then tried leading by example saying "I can't do this right now. I can't use you as an external solution to my internal problems and I know you will find the same at some point as well. We must grow on our own and become truly authentic, independent, and stable in who we REALLY are before we can try to be in each other's lives. Until that time comes, I must grow alone." She said, "Okay, cool, I love you." I said, "I love you too" then I hung up. I must release myself from the pain that I caused myself. Thank you for your wisdom.

[Nahm]

@Dsteller just a suggestion on a practice. It’ll sound abrasive, but it can be powerful. Our thinking itself is the root of our suffering, but it’s elusive because we think about our thinking in an attempt to rectify it. So, try reading your first post, and restating it with only one sentence. You might get some clarity on how it’s all thinking, and made emotionally over complicated by all the thinking. It sure seems like it’s life, or the girl, or the job, or the parents, etc...but it’s not. It’s the thinking.

[Dsteller]

@Nahm You're right. I mean it's in Leo's videos, nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. It's all neurosis and me attacking myself. 

[Nahm]

@Dsteller meditation. Everyday