Obsessive Thoughts and strong criticism

[Melwyn]

Hey Everyone,

I will try to write about a topic which became more and more an obstacle in my life. At first i would describe

myself as a very harmonic and sensitive character. Since my early childhood I had this righteous notion and some difficulties

to be in conflict with others. I think at some point somehow my unconscious mind made the decision that conflict, anger and violence

are very very very bad and I started to become shy, anxious and uncertain about myself. Especially in conflict situations. Some years later I developed OCD thoughts.

These thoughts created a vicious circle in my self. I have very often agressive or violent thoughts popping up in my mind and every time i am shocked about myself and asking me questions like: Why are you thinking this kind of stuff? What is wrong with you? etc.

It is creating a strong anxiety in my self and makes life for me more and more hard to enjoy or to just relax and feel good. My questions to you: Is there anyone who knows these kind of patterns? And what can I do to get relief?

Sorry for my english i am not a native speaker

 

[Phill]

Hey @Melwyn I had the same things in the past, so, maybe my advice might influence you;

I think first it's very important for you to realize that, you don't control your thoughts. You just don't. That's how the mind works.

Secondly, all those thoughts, are thoughts, and it's ok to have thoughts, even if they are terrible/bad/disgusting/abominable, if you are having them, they are not a part of you, they are you, instead of disgracing them, judging them, trying to repress them, work to accept them instead since you can't control them anyways.

They are who you are, accept them, it won't make you a worse person, actually, it will resolve the inner conflict inside and make you more kind. Notice also that, the more you try to tell yourself "STOP HAVING BAD THOUGHTS" the more you have it. Do you have a belief inside yourself saying something like "NO PERMISSION FOR HAVING BAD THOUGHTS", and when you have it now you wanna kill yourself?

Thirdly, it's very important that you stop being so hard on yourself, are you your own worst enemy or your best friend? Who you choose to be? How you think towards yourself? With love or with hate? Become aware of how your thoughts behave towards yourself I think it is fundamental for healing what your going through. Journaling can be amazing for this.

What can possibly be happening is, you learned in the past how things in life are supposed to be, and now, your having thoughts that goes the opposite way, against what you learned of who you must be, then now you have this inner conflict, and from that conflict arises all the stuff your feeling, anxiety, uncertainty, doubt, fear and many "but what if". You are in a battle against yourself, how can something good arise from that other than self destruct I wonder?

The fact that you resist those thoughts, can be one of the main reasons you feel what you feel, and then it triggers all the anxiety and pain.

Now, if this does resonates with you, if it makes sense, you just need to surrender to who you are, that's it, there is "evil" and "good" within us, both are part of you, actually, they are a part of you, it isn't even a part, because you are not two parts, you are one, just one and that one, is who you are, realize that, spend a while thinking about that, evil and good doesn't exist, it's a creation from the human mind, you are who you are, labeling things as good/bad just separates what is. When you separate things as "good" and "bad", then you have this belief saying that "bad is wrong", you create inner conflict against anything that is "bad" understand? And that might be one of the root cause of all your pain. 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2017 by Phill

[AnTe]

@Melwyn, sounds to me like your intuition was telling you something is wrong and people are only really consistent in avoiding truth.  when everyone is dishonest especially when we notice and voice concern, this makes us start to doubt and question ourselves.  all this self-doubt trains us to lie to ourselves and place our personal value on other people's value of us and we become our own worst enemy and a product.  remember, it's hard for people to look past themselves long enough to see others so nothing people say is ever really personal.  this is why we sometimes feel invisible while talking directly to people, they see only what they allow themselves to.  as far as the thoughts, thoughts are just thoughts and not real til we make them real by acting on them.  meditation helps with training yourself to shut your mind down at will and controlling how or if the thoughts effect you.  

[Melwyn]

Thank you so much for the great answers,

I will contemplate about that. Especially this mechanism of creating separation.

What makes it so difficult is that I sense that there is this strong judging mechanism which has become

such a fast reflex and in the same time there is this fear of letting go. I think its really control obsession and my mind is showing me that I will never have this control.

[Phill]

7 hours ago, Melwyn said:

Thank you so much for the great answers,

I will contemplate about that. Especially this mechanism of creating separation.

What makes it so difficult is that I sense that there is this strong judging mechanism which has become

such a fast reflex and in the same time there is this fear of letting go. I think its really control obsession and my mind is showing me that I will never have this control.

You got it! Sit down and try to stop thinking for 1 minute, and what your going to discover is that, it is just inevitable, thoughts just flows and flows. That's just how the mind works, if you try to control it, your going against what is, it's the same thing knowing that 1+1=2, but then you come over and say NOPE, 1+1=3, see, your denying what is.

Just become aware WHEN the separation mechanism starts, WHEN you start saying to yourself "this is wrong stop it", WHEN you start demonizing yourself, observe it happening, don't judge, just notice it is happening and learn those patterns, and what exactly they are causing you.

And from that awareness, once you become conscious of those thoughts and patterns and how they work and how they influence your feelings, you will then connect the dots, you will then realize this is just causing you pure suffering, and from that starts the healing process, you will naturally surrender to just be.

Just remember, you are who you are, just surrender to it, just be. And be ok with being.

[Phill]

9 hours ago, AnTe said:

@Melwyn, sounds to me like your intuition was telling you something is wrong and people are only really consistent in avoiding truth.  when everyone is dishonest especially when we notice and voice concern, this makes us start to doubt and question ourselves.  all this self-doubt trains us to lie to ourselves and place our personal value on other people's value of us and we become our own worst enemy and a product.  remember, it's hard for people to look past themselves long enough to see others so nothing people say is ever really personal.  this is why we sometimes feel invisible while talking directly to people, they see only what they allow themselves to.  as far as the thoughts, thoughts are just thoughts and not real til we make them real by acting on them.  meditation helps with training yourself to shut your mind down at will and controlling how or if the thoughts effect you.  

Interesting point @Melwyn, but could you elaborate this? What exactly creates self doubt and why does self doubt trains us to lie to ourselves? Coud you please clarify?

Edited December 23, 2017 by Phill

[AnTe]

@phill, the self doubt I'm talking about is from constantly questioning and ignoring our intuition.  the problem is humans have trouble honestly expressing themselves because of thier personal insecurities.  when we intuitively point out something someone else hasn't accepted yet and they deny it, we start to doubt ourselves.  if we reflect on our lives all the way back to childhood, we'll notice we're specifically taught to love, trust, and believe in everyone but ourselves.  also, to place our value and self worth on other people's value of us.  

[Faceless]

Obsessive thoughts and strong criticism implies fear and insecurity. Which are given continuity by thought. 

So put all energy into the inquiry of thought. 

??