And here we go again, life threatening mind attacks

[Nadosa]

So,

I tried to reengage with life, joined a band, went out etc., but I noticed when those feelings are gone, I feel somehow uncertain.

Let me explain: My main concern which already transformed into one huge belief is that I think I should've died a few months ago. It is incredibly hard to shake these feelings off. They became a part of me.

But whenever I am distracted and away from my triggers and not focusing on this belief, I am relatively fine. But as the time goes on, I notice that I CONSCIOUSLY go in this bad neighbourhood in my head and search for the bad thinking patterns again, because I think they define me in some strange way. The feelings feel like they are part of my personality and like connected to my existence, that is the reason I have so many difficulties letting these damn thoughts go. So it is not like anxiety that you are 100% sure that you want to get over these thoughts, this time they are much more powerful, darker and it feels like I CANT AND DONT WANT TO GET OVER THEM.

Everytime these feelings hit, I feel like I shouldnt be experience this very moment anymore. I have an appointment with a therapist on 15th of January.

The thought that "what if I had already acted on these thoughts and maybe that would have been the right decision" is a really big concern for me...

Anyways, just needed to vent...

Edited December 22, 2017 by Nadosa

[Melwyn]

Are you familiar with Meditation techniques? I have obsessive thoughts too and think one key point is to surrender to the feelings and thoughts without judgement. You can see your thoughts like clouds, fading. A totally blue sky would probably be enlightenment  

 

[Nadosa]

I feel like Meditation doesnt work in my case... Ive tried it for like 3 weeks. But, compared to my anxiety times, no progress at all.

[Ether]

@Nadosa Hey, it takes time. It took me 4 months to beat my social anxiety. It will decrease if you dont resist.

[AnTe]

if you think you should've died it might be because of fear of whatever happened in your past, you rather not experience it again.  these feelings are indicating there's a lesson that hasn't been learned, which is prob why you feel you don't want to let it go (before you learn it).  you most likely will keep reliving/recreating it due to the emotional attachment (uncertainty) of past memory which is your trigger.  this will happen till you finally are able to see the situation from your perspective, the opposite perspective, and finally the neutral perspective.  this will answer the what, how, and why it happened and lesson will be learned.  

[Nadosa]

This is year was bad. I looked forward to my life and my goals but then Depersonalisation hit me out of the blue, but I worked hard to get rid of it, but now I cant think myself out of this mess anymore, my face looks tired and my eyes look like I smoke weed 24/7, and I feel not good playing the victim here. I know that there is something called cotard syndrome, which in my case fits very well to my symptoms.

 

 

Edited December 29, 2017 by Nadosa