Helping my sister to develop self-responsibility

[Wind]

Hey,

I need suggestions for strategies and methods on how I could help to improve my 13 y/o sister's will, self-discipline and responsibility.

My parents with my sister and brother live in different country than I do, so I see them just on holidays, and so when I'm here I want to make some impact.

The problem is that, from what I've seen, while growing there and being with her, and what my mom noticed is that she is quite soft and spoilt when it comes to responsibilities and comitments, or would try to 'shorcut' learning.

So for example, when she is learning something and she doesn't understand, she would give up immediatelly telling herself that she can't and start screaming. And wouldn't even try to come back to try it again.

Or for example my mom told, that my sister borrowed money from her classmate's parent once, so she could have enough money to buy a toy pony she wanted. My mom suggested that my sister could start earning money by doing errands at home, like washing dishes, but she wouldn't do it. Eventually my mom gave back the money to that child's parent, and since my sister heard about it she feels like she doesn't need to do it now, and puts this 'i'm so beautiful to myself' face. She wouldn't do anything for the home.

Don't get me wrong, she has other strenghts, like in creativity and arts, she grows up in a very loving family, and my mom is really wise and sets boundaries as she is this antropological women and understands the problem on some level.

The problem is my dad who lacks will himself and unconsciously 'transfared' that to her. I think the problem is that my sister 'learned' that she doesn't need to put effort in things to get what she wants, to get stimuli, like sweets, cartoons, etc, because my dad would buy and play those despite whether she follows her responsibilities or not.

Additionally, my dad would often clearly tell that he won't reward her with candies or play her cartoons when she didn't behave, but then the same evening she would be indulging anyway, because she would beg and demand again and again, until he breaks and allows it, because he doesn't have will to say 'no' and be consistent with his boundaries; he has weak boundaries. I think this has significant effect on my sisters psychology as she 'learns' that if you say something to yourself that you will do, or give a word to other, or if you have some external comitment, you don't necessary need to follow it, and you can always break or go around that rule without consequences.

And I told this to my dad many times, and my mom keeps repeating this over and over again, and he understnads this 'logically' but he just keeps doing it, like many other bad habits he has. He has a bad habit of watching TV, and so my sister does too.

And when he reasons about her lack of will or stubborness or irresponsibility he says  "oh well, she is going to grow out of that naturally..."

No she won't. It will carry on to the rest of her life if she doesn't internalize and learn the right behaviours and attitudes. And the later she learns it, the harder it will be.

So really the question is how to convey this to my dad to trigger a change? In which other ways I could help her to develop in responsibility? How would you suggest talking with my sister? Did I missed something?

What's your opinion is the best thing I could do while I'm on holidays with my family to trigger it into positive trajectory?

P.S. They don't speak English.

Cheers

Edited December 22, 2017 by Wind

[BjarkeT]

I am not an expert but maybe it could be because of some limiting belief 

if you are interested I recommend reading the road less traveled by Scott peck there might be some useful information in there and on delaying gratification   

Hope you can use it  

[Wind]

On 22/12/2017 at 3:20 PM, BjarkeT said:

I am not an expert but maybe it could be because of some limiting belief 

if you are interested I recommend reading the road less traveled by Scott peck there might be some useful information in there and on delaying gratification   

Hope you can use it  

It's finny that you mentioned this book, because I'm currently reading it haha.

Thanks

Edited December 23, 2017 by Wind

[Viking]

changing people is one of the hardest things to do in life. changing your father is almost impossible but changing your sister has some chance.

Definitely a useful thing to do is to use the pygmalion effect, give her a sense that she can do everything and expect her to. 

changing people takes long term effort, to be honest I have no idea how to do it even to 13 year olds, I struggle with my brother myself.

all change in action comes from wisdom, if a person has wisdom as to why to do something they will do it. try giving her some knowledge gradually, so she will understand what to do alone. Young people are lazy these days and it will take growing up to really change, ultimately its all them that will do the work.

[Joseph Maynor]

Get her involved in a project that she will enjoy where she has to be responsible and do project management.  It’s almost like she needs a job.