NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

I had to drink a cup of sweet tea because of the adrenaline rush that was caused by the hunger. Also hunger worsened my nervous laughter.

Fasting doesn't work if you suspect adrenal fatigue, I won't fast anymore until I get better, I should have researched better.

But I'll keep up with the diet and calorie restriction.

Meditation is no good at the moment.

[Privet]

Diet = success.

I also meditated, I felt the need.

[Privet]

Diet ok.

I tried to meditate but it was awful and I stopped.

[Privet]

Diet ok.

I almost forgot to check in for the third time. I guess I will make a reminder.

[Privet]

I bought Zinc, Selenium, Omega-3, Probiotic.

Plus I take Magnesium, B6 and D3.

I guess the proper way to take supplements is to pass a full set of blood test for each substance first, but due to lack of money I will give this combination a shot.

I feel some positive change in perception for the last 2-3 days. The possible causes are supplements, diet and change in the light amount because of the season change.

My body had adjusted for the lack of calories and even carrots give me pleasure now.

When I was going home on foot after buying supplements I thought that hey, let's face it, the reason why I don't meditate is completely made up. I was able to sit for at least 4-6 last days. I practiced today. Thought observation is my favourite one at the moment. It works much better if I practice before the sunset, because the lack of light makes me depressed/numb/tired. Also I need to do a little warm up after the sit. This two minimize the possibility of the side effects.

I have just massaged my belly and it made me feel better again. Damn constipation, why did I not notice that before.

I made a non-transparent case for the window. This is so fucking dark here when you turn off the lights that if you open your eyes nothing changes. I did that hoping that it will help me to fix my sleep. I slept once with that case and still couldn't fall asleep early. But it definately has some calming effect on me, when there's no visual stimulation everything else becomes louder, including thoughts, they become very easy to notice.

Nervous laughter doesn't go away. I try to make it worse and consciously laugh. It works to some extent. As far as I know laughter makes your brain release some set of calming substances so it seems logical why heavy stress can make you laugh, that's how your body tries to overcompensate the stress. Probably laughing meditation is made to solve this issue.

I haven't used porn for almost two months except for two times for 2 minutes when I had to fap to get rid of extreme exhaustion. I also haven't masturbated unintentionally during this time. One very important thing that happened is that I don't experience fight or flight responses several times a day. It's just five times harder to trigger it now.

I haven't tested myself but chances are I have low testosterone. Stress, lack of sleep, porn addiction, poor diet - all that should make it low. Regarding my feeling I have even less doubt. I will do the testing whenever I will have the money.

Better late than never: week agenda. I'm not done with the hospital stuff until 27 of this month. The goal of this week is to get as much of quality rest as possible, especially on the weekend. This is what I need the most now, I get tired very quickly and every morning is almost like a hangover, although diet changed that for the better like 20-30%. Also I want to extend my nofap streaks to 5 days (it's the 2nd day), I mean that's an intention.

Ok, enough for the thought flow.

Edited February 12, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

Meditation and diet ok.

I will paint this chart tomorrow and use it:

https://youtu.be/5t3mHTtKfWk

 

Edited February 13, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

It took me one fucking hour to paint the diagram, this is because of the brain fog and impatience. I tried to enjoy mindful painting but my psyche is so chaotic today that I get lost in distractions more than I paint.

I was focusing on this impatience when I was meditating. It's really intense today, it took some good effort to focus and open up to that feeling. It is clearly felt in my body: in my head, in my shoulders, in my back. in my chest. It also has different emotional flavors at the same time (descending intensity): impatience, anger, fear, sadness. In the middle of the sit I completely lost this sensation and got lost in wondering, I had to force myself to diligently concentrate on my nostrils and it arose with the anger as a dominant feeling, I switched to it again.

I have very neurotic and deeply ignorant stepfather. I am neurotic and reactive either, although meditation makes it better. For some time my attitude with him was like "okay, I will try to explain him, maybe he will get it, maybe not" when we have some disagreement. Now I finally realized that he is incapable of rational discussion at all and all he does is crazy unexplainable projections and conjectures, arguing, interrupting and raising his voice from the first second of conversation, showing up and inflating his sick ego. He is totally sick and I was trying to rationalize with him, which is a stupid idea, because arguing with idiots is a waste of time and energy. Today I thought that this is a good idea to set a formal intention to correct this behavior. From now on I shall not try to explain this fucker any damn thing, even if he tries to blame me in anything, just listen -> disregard his bullshit or protect a boundary.

I got inspired by one of Shinzen't video with this idea: tomorrow I will write on paper words "Image -> Talk -> Touch -> Feel" and different flavors of feeling "Anger, Fear, Sadness, Shame, Agitation, Desire, Aversion" and place it on the wall. Any time I will have some strong emotional state, for example after some serious fail or argument with someone, I will come to this paper and make a map of my experience, untangle it.

For example my conflict with stepfather, I compulsively play thoughts related to that in my mind even when the conflict is over:

• Image: I imagine the situation.
• Talk: I imagine our debate.
• Touch: anger felt in body as a temptation.
• Feel (here I scan for presence of different flavors): anger and sadness.

Now as I can see what's going on I can focus on those parts and open up to them, surrender. This way it will go away much faster and cause way less suffering.

I also have a note with a list of preparations/reminders for meditation that I wrote out from the book called "The Mind Illuminated", I will hang it on the wall too and will use it every single time with Shinzen's chart that I painted today. I will come to wall before meditation for a minute, reread preparation list and choose a meditation technique and only then meditate.

I guess I found my way to journal. When I wrote this post I made a list of things I wanted to mention during the day and then made a paragraph out of each item.

One more thing: it's a good idea to pick tomorrow morning one-two things that I will finish, I'm too foggy, random and disorganized.

Aaand I will probably have no internet till sunday.

Edited February 14, 2018 by Privet

[MarkusSweden]

Are you a fan of Putin? He seem to have integrity and honesty that your leaders in west are lacking. 

[Privet]

@MarkusSweden No. He is a leader of the biggest corrupted system in the world.

[Privet]

Nofap - 5 days as I planned, I thought that I will make it to 7 but I had to masturbate. I maintained 3 day streaks for almost one month and haven't relapsed a time, now the rule is "at least 5 days and no more than one orgasm", if I can hold more - good, but if it's just 5 - good, I will do that for a month or so. My libido is back, I get spontaneous erections several times a day.

I tried to switch to 1 hour concentration practice and it made me angry after 30 minutes, last 30 minutes I was just crying, even though I practiced relaxed and didn't bear down, I tried to focus on emotions and thought that maybe it will go away and I can get back to concentration, but my emotional baggage is too intense at the moment to practice concentration. I really wanna concentrate because it's very important but it definitely won't work until I reach some emotional balance.

The next day I switched to practicing focusing away from thoughts and emotions on the outer world instead, immersing myself in the environment as much as possible, spontaneously picking sounds, visual objects and sensations to savor them for a moment in a very vivid manner and shutting up and getting back to the environment if I caught myself thinking. I will try to practice this way for some time.

Previous week analysis: Meditation, diet, nofap - all good, I don't even feel hungry all the time anymore even though I eat a half glass (before it's boiled) of grains twice a day (with a boiled chicken leg in the morning), plus a cabbage salad as a lunch. Quality rest - this one is tricky. I had no internet access and was reading a book almost all free time. I thought that I can just rest and no I can't, I'm too addicted to stimulation and the book is a lesser evil.

Next week agenda: Relaxation is quite a theme in my practice now, I have a strong habit "concentration = suffering" that I developed in 2014-2016 when I was practicing plain concentration all the time. Self-compassion is a theme either. I will practice 15 minutes of self-compassion in the morning while a grain is boiling, because I'm usually angry or depressed first hour after sleep. And I will remind myself to track and release the tension tree times: after the self-love practice and before and after meditation.

I guess I will have no internet until Sunday again.

[Privet]

Quality focusing on present moment is damn painful too. I focus on state of body relaxation or turn towards negative feelings, they are to intense to not meditate on them. It's really helpful to untangle my emotional pain and surrender to each part separately. It's very interesting how you draw a line between "this makes me suffer" and "I accept it", if you have even slightest background desire for pain to go away you are suffering from it and just deceive yourself that you have surrendered! It's really possible to be perfectly happy with your pain, to be as joyful as if you don't have it, if you really surrender to it it becomes no more significant than a medium slap in the naked ass, even plausible in some sense.

My cravings for porn and masturbation are back, I really want to relapse as I write it although I already masturbated today (its day 5).

It looks like a good idea to lay down and rest at least once a day, I tried it today and it seems to work for me.

Quote

I wanted very much to learn to draw, for a reason that I kept to myself: I wanted to convey an emotion I have about the beauty of the world. It's difficult to describe because it's an emotion. It's analogous to the feeling one has in religion that has to do with a god that controls everything in the whole universe: there's a generality aspect that you feel when you think about how things that appear so different and behave so differently are all run "behind the scenes" by the same organization, the same physical laws. It's an appreciation of the mathematical beauty of nature, of how she works inside; a realization that the phenomena we see result from the complexity of the inner workings between atoms; a feeling of how dramatic and wonderful it is. It's a feeling of awe — of scientific awe — which I felt could be communicated through a drawing to someone who had also had this emotion. It could remind him, for a moment, of this feeling about the glories of the universe.

Richard Feynman

This is the kind of attitude you ought to have when you meditate. You are deluded by thoughts for all of your life and unaware of the most brilliant thing possible that is right under your nose, what a joke, huh?

[Privet]

I have ego backlash, for the last 3 days meditation is incredibly difficult, and I feel like my mind is totally fucking numb. Today it was so difficult to sit that I relapsed my diet because meditation completely drained my willpower muscle. I ate 4 chicken legs instead of 1 (I fried two ) and boiled 2 glasses of rice instead of 1. I still haven't touched bread and sugar though. I also just ruined and stayed in bed for 30 minutes after the session, it made me completely exhausted.

When I was practicing yesterday (and I did that at night which isn't very good) I remembered that Shinzen Young once said that very subtle emotions/feelings control you in the most sneaky ways because they are hard to notice. So I tried to look closer to what is happening in my emotions and found very subtle sense of impatience that was over the most of my body, even in legs, I guess it fits more of Touch category of mindfulness, I concentrated on that sensation very diligently and had had a feeling that it kind of flows and raises upwards in my body, it made my concentration even better because of the curiosity, then this raising energy concentrated in my brain as a tension somewhere where the motor area is located. Then I started to watch my emotional reaction to that tension because it's quite uncomfortable and noticed that I experience subtle anger and sadness, I managed to open up to these feelings and got to pretty comfortable place, that tension didn't make me suffer. But when I finished practicing and got to my bed that was fucked. I had very compulsive and uncontrollable chaos of thoughts, my thinking mind acted like a monkey on high dose of amphetamine. What helped me a was do-nothing technique, I just let that chaos resolve itself and gave that monkey complete freedom, I was screaming and fooling around inside and it just became boring and calmed down. But I still felt very numb and woke up today with this sensation and still have it.

My body is clearly resisting me disciplining it's impatience habit. My mind is really resisting me disciplining an urge to think.

I had some desperate moments today because of this backlash. But I clearly see that there is no way back, there's no place for giving up, you either get better through working on yourself or worse through indulging your inner monkey, there is no third. I don't want to spiral into compulsive self-destruction anymore, I'm sick of it. Thanks to this journal I am actively engaged in getting better for 2 month. It works!

I'm really sentimental at the moment. This shit is hard, consistency is the hardest thing ever.

I think I will sit only one hour a day for the next 3 days.

I do consciously relax a lot during the day. I missed self-love practice today, I'm gonna do it before sleep, I need some self-compassion.

[Privet]

I didn't eat today because it felt right. It cured 50% of my backlash. Other 50% were cured by one hour of do-nothing, spontaneous shaking and relaxation. When I was practicing do-nothing I felt waves of impatient energy that represents my backlash, I just spontaneously started playing the ape. That's how resistance to SDS is coming out of me. When I finished the session I kept going with this spontaneity and let my body do what it wants, it happens in waves, impatience comes - shaking happens, sometimes with laughter, sometimes I laughed because of how stupid this is, very interesting phenomena.

I like Feynman's method of learning which is explaining what you learned in simple words in order to make sure that you really memorized what you have learned and not just bullshit yourself. I will explain here sometimes some ideas that I can make use of in order to memorize them.

This time it's an idea of spiritual alchemy that enables you to convert negativity into positivity, I took it here.

1. If someone/something pushes your buttons notice how negative feelings come in waves, you can detect the flow itself. They can arise and vanish or change intensity: getting weaker or stronger with time. What you are interested in is this movement alone, the change, not the feeling itself.
2. Then you try to trigger a tiny bit of some positive feel. Good will, joy, happiness or somethings like that. You do this by intentionally thinking/memorizing something that can trigger this feeling, for example a memory of joy in your best ever meditation, feeling of kindness when you caress a puppy and so on. Even just a little bit of sensation.
3. Focus on the flow and the positive feeling. The flow of negative feeling should magnify the positive, the intensity of negative one should flow into positive one. It's just like if you throw a bunch of ash in the wind wind will carry it. The flow itself does the job.

I will try to use that with shame and make it flow into self-compassion. I have waves of shame multiple times a day when I memorize some situation when I wasn't perfect.

Edited February 23, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I went to bed early yesterday and did several hours of beditation. It was really deep, I reached a point where there was nothing in my mind, deep endless space. At that moment I felt like all the pressure in my brain concentrated in the third eye area. I couldn't sustain that or go deeper, it felt very intense and my concentration was perfect by itself, it kinda happened to me.

[Privet]

This week: I did a good job with relaxation. I still skip the self-love practice, in order to not skip that I will add a reminder on my phone. I have learned that do-nothing is an antidote for certain kind of ego backlash, in my case it's compulsive chaos of thoughts.

Next week: Keep going with self-love + relaxation. When I had no internet recently I realized how much it serves me. I will try to not use it until Sunday and see if it will work.

I didn't eat today until sunset, it feels good and refreshing, I think I will use intermittent fasting more.

[Privet]

I didn't sleep for 30 hours and relapsed nofap with porn, it's just day 2. Fuck! Okay, just keep going, there's still a lot of progress was done and there's no need to get back to mindless masturbation.

The priority of this journal decreased in my subconscious mind. I commit to write here every day when I have internet access.

I can't fall asleep despite that I didn't sleep that long. It really makes me hopeless.

I gave up with the internet addiction either. That's too big of a goal right now.

[Privet]

I will quit meditation for 3 days including today and try to spend time in bed as much as possible, even a thought about practice makes me very tensed. This 30+ hours without sleep + nofap relapse together gave me depression.

Surprizingly I fell asleep relatively early yesterday and woke up 2 hours earlier.

I will meditate in bed though. Couple days ago I discovered that I can trip balls imagining various stuff like swinging on a giant swing, or falling in an endless abyss, or imagining how you sit in the forest and enjoy rain and peace, I just perpetuated various plausible visions and that was so deep and relaxing that I was very surprised how well that worked. Takes some effort first 10-20 minutes, then you just don't wanna stop.

[Privet]

I was so tired until evening today. Presumably that is a result of eating only rice and buckwheat for the last 4-5 days. When I was suffering from this fatigue I drank 0.5 of water at once and it reduced the inensity by 1/3. I ate some boiled chicken and will see if it's gonna make me feel better.

Spring fever is very noticible right now, as I write this I feel some background restlessness and a bit of anxiety. Also there's some neurotic/manic joy.

I really appreciate my thought flow that I had today about inevitability of everything. No matter what curcumstances you face - enjoy, this is all that you have, let go of imagining a better situation and craving for it because it's not the case, you've got what you've got, there's nothing to argue with.

[Privet]

I passed a job interview today and succeeded but the job turned out to be way worse than I thought and I denied to get it, the interview was surprisingly amazing, I've done very well. I have another job interview tomorrow. I just finished talking to the wall and imagining the interview, I'm trying to resurrect my speaking skills because meditation made me very observation oriented and sometimes I feel like my speaking abilities atrophied. I really like this idea of meditation in motion and action, maybe I will try to speak on camera about random stuff, just for fun, because it seems interesting.

I ate a bit too much today (not too much though, but that was fried potato) and I won't count this diet day. I use a habit tracker app with notifications. Damn, I just memorized that I forgot about adding self-love practice habit in that app. Done.

[Privet]

I had very busy day. When I got home I was depressed as fuck. I was crying several times this evening. I relapsed nofap and diet at once. I'm still at the brink of crying. I need to get some sleep.