NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

Thank you!

Trick with food is good but one of my problems is overeating so I have discovered that many times it's easier to fall asleep when I'm rather a little hungry.

Also I believe (guess) that mostly the cause of my inability to fall asleep is the hormone imbalance because of masturbation, especially edging. I don't really have mania problem, meditation calmed this pattern of my behaviour. I can be calm and still not able to sleep.

   @Akim

[Privet]

I couldn't fall asleep for over 30 hours yesterday despite exhaustion. The shit is harsh, I wish I could know for sure what exactly is that, if my guess about homeostasis and hormone backslash is true or not. At some moments I suffered so badly that I felt like I'm about to get enlightened, I was spontaneously aware of every damn subtle thought and curious of it's nature.

I didn't meditate for two days and noticed that I am way more unconscious. But I'm afraid to start again because the nofap consequence isn't gone, I have some very intense inner impulse, I suppose it's related do dopamine because it's related to motivation therefore I have impulse, and disciplining myself too much in this curcumstances can cause severe backslash.

I didn't fap today again. It seems that I have lost attraction to porn. Jokes about dicks and anuses are suddenly not funny for me. Also it seems that my fetishes and sex preferences are gone, usual sex seems attractive enough. It was a really suprising discovery.

I still experience benefits on the background also. Aliveness of reality, not being a vegetable in social interactions.

I decided that I will do weekly announcements every sunday and make a notification on my phone to not forget, there have to be some sense of course/direction.

This week:

I keep nofap and daily journaling.

I don't have to meditate but if this impulse feeling gets better then I get back to '90 minutes a day', because it fucking works.

I will focus on fixing my sleeping pattern. Now I get up at 11-12. I will try to get up at 9 and not miss a day this week, I wish that was 6 but I'm too fucked to make it right away. Can't make any predictions and rules, but I emphasize my attention on that like I did with nofap. I will make two notifications on the phone prior to the time that I have to go to bed, first to handle shit and get ready to go to bed and second to go to bed.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

Shinzen's Insight on sleep problems related and irrelevant to meditation, I will definately use the advice. Didn't sleep today again.

https://youtu.be/DUQFw2jNf7s

Would you believe that one of the most enlightened masters can have an addiction to procrastination to such a degree that he needs a psychiatrist? Drop your silly notion about enlightenment!

https://youtu.be/bGy2PdVzNMU

Edited January 16, 2018 by Privet

[Akim]

Great videos, thanks for posting, I think I should watch more Shinzen Young.

Regarding sexuality I think in modern culture we pumper, feed and tease this beast way too much with masterfully engineered stimulation, tailored to all varieties of people. And the very ethics of modern western society is all about sexual liberation, expression, uniqueness and creativity. May be we need that after repressions and horrors that we had in earlier stricter societies where people also did not have birth control and ways to prevent diseases. If you discover the value of sexual abstinence this may seem very appealing, but too much change too fast destabilize the organism and freaks out the sexuality system that we grown so much.

I think one should try to cope and integrate different aspects of his personality, I look at it as trying to survive and thrive in unknown environment kind of thing, where you try to explore, find food, heal your wounds, learn what works for you, experiment but cautiously and also building a strong infrastructure to fall back to. And if you needs help in a form of medication or professional, there is nothing wrong with that.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Akim
typo in engineered

[Privet]

I got to bed early and tried to not move, I was also breathing slowly for around an hour to calm down my heartbeat. I felt really peaceful when urges to move passed, at some point I was so still that it was like I'm the part of the bed.

I had to move because when you remain in one position over an hour your urges to move go away, but eventually some more solid and intense urge comes, somewhere close to 2 hours or so, depends. But I tried to not move in new position again until strong urge comes.

Some weird phenomenon happened in the middle of the night and it happened to me before in previous Nofap streaks. I suppose it is related to hormone change too. I was asleep or close to sleep state and I suddenly feel like my consciousness gets very weird, like I'm losing consciousness and feel horror sensation simultaneously. It stimulates and scares me and I get out of sleepy state and I become very awake. My theory is that either it's because my brain tries to fall asleep deeper and something prevents and wakes me up or that something just wakes me up suddenly in that nasty way. I have heard that testosterone is the hormone that wakes you up in the morning, and that Nofap raises testosterone therefore I came up with this idea. Also my friend reported that he had panic attacks at nights when he served in the army (he was abstaining), and another friend mentioned that he had panic attacks when he was taking steroids due to some disease.

I couldn't wake up at 9 as I planned, I lay in the bed and was snoozing alarm for an hour or so. My body needs a lot of stimulation to awaken even if I don't use the alarm, it takes around 20-40 minutes to gain conscious control, this is why I switch off the alarm and fall back asleep even though I don't keep it in bed and I have to get up to snooze it, I am completely unaware of that, this state is very weird, it feels like I'm lost in some thought loop and can't externalize and focus out and at the same time it makes me butthurt because I have no conscious control of my attention. I called a friend and asked her to control me in mornings, she will call and check that I don't go back to the bed until I gain conscious control.

Edited January 16, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I had waves of horror and disorientation at night, I fapped and it helped a lot. I also felt some weird spasms of my guts like I'm about to have a bad diarrhea, and it passed too after fapping. I will rely on my feeling with abstinence except for no porn whatsoever and no masturbation for pleasure.

I had a job interview today, I was extremely anxious but it went okay, waiting for results.

My friend woke me up. I was so so depressed when I was getting home, because I slept for 3-4 hours and couldn't remain still at night.

Edited January 17, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

Yesterday I had an explosive diarrhea for the second time since I started nofap, it seems that the spasm abruptly and completely devastated my colon. Here people report about this symptom of withdrawal. Damn, it seems that porn/masturbation is as hard to quit as drinking and other things if you are addicted as fuck. I was quitting smoking in 2016 and despite that I was a hardcore addict to tobacco as well, it was easiest thing ever compared to all suffering that I experienced because of the addiction to masturbation.

I fell asleep easily yesterday. And I got enough sleep despite early awakening, good.

I had an energy spike after the breakfast so I did first breathing exercises then I started squats and push-ups and it turned into an epileptic dance and crazy shaking because I always do exercises with music, I let that energy flow and danced like an idiot. It's like Osho' dynamic meditation for me. Here is the music for relaxation:

Didn't fap for 2 days. I keep experiencing benefits of the abstinence and downsides simultaneously. This first 21 day streak and the fact that I haven't gone to daily fapping after that definitely changed my base level state.

Random downsides at the moment:

• I feel some background irritability. And it's very hard to be aware of, I gained a lot of awareness of my anger because of meditation during last 2 years but this background irritability feels very new and tricky to control, it appeared only when I was like on day 19 of the first streak of this journal.
• I have too much energy.
• I get too consumed in what I do, totally ignore what happens around me. Because of this I have a bigger momentum and it takes more effort to finish/change tasks, hard to stop.
• Tension in the head.
• I'm a little cocky and narcissistic.

Benefits:

• I give less and less fucks about what other people think of me.
• I sound more confident and convincing when I talk to people.
• I space out less when I have conversations.
• I can shape my thoughts better, my brain RAM is faster and larger.
• My social anxiety slowly vanishes. I have another job interview appointment tomorrow and I wasn't even anxious when I did the call, if I would fap it would give me fight or flight response.
• Energy. I did several important things that I've been postponing forever.
• I am less low-minded, vulgar etc. I don't undress with my eyes every hot chick that I see.
• I lost sexual fantasies.

Edited January 18, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I managed to only stay still in the bed for like 40 minutes. It calmed my too energetic state but then I started to roll over periodically and couldn't fall asleep for hours.

I woke up depressed and tired.

When I got to the job interview I was fucked completely, I was walking around the neighborhood at the brink of crying and tried to calm myself down with deep breathing but it didn't pass at all and I went home. Otherwise this interview would be a complete mess and embarrassment because I could barely concentrate and be conscious of what's going on around me.

When I got home I was thinking about taking this advice about meds and going to psychiatrist because my state is very unstable and even if I pass the interview and get a job I will likely to have a nervous breakdown at work at some point like it happened in my parents' house.

Then I started researching about the bipolar disorder and the side effects and addiction probability of the mood stabilizers (that seems the only adequate meds that should work in my situation, antidepressants known for making mood swings and irritability/agression only worse) and came across the article that states that there is some evidence of relationship between dis-regulation of thyroid hormone and some forms of bipolar. I will pass the blood test for this hormone and see what's going on. Maybe this will explain why I'm so fucked.

Communicating this shit with my parents gets more and more difficult, they still sometimes assume it can be overcome by just conscious effort.

If I won't be able to sleep I will probably fap tonight, it's hitting me hard again.

[Privet]

I had to fap 3 times before I felt like I'm gonna fall asleep, and I fell asleep well and got enough sleep.

There is some thing besides withdrawals that is becoming unbearable when I don't masturbate, an extreme fatigue and numbness. I tried to investigate my feeling more and it seems that this thing causes my nervous laughter, and this is despite that I quit meditation for one week!

I researched more and decided that I will do medical tests for:

• Candida infection
• Parasites
• Vitamin deficiencies
• Thyroid hormone

Probably also ultrasound investigation of the abdomine.

I had rapid urinating problem and I thought it's related to masturbation. I tried to warm my bladder with warmer couple months ago, it gave me first slightly high temperature then weakness and psychosis-like state. I thought it's just some inflammation and went to the doctor, he prescribed antibiotics and it solved the problem. But I still occasionally have slightly high body t, around 37C (today I checked and voila). I also have fungus on my feet that doesn't respond to antifungal ointment, when I was on antibiotics it disappeared and slowly got back when I was off them. When I found out that Candida overgrowth in your body can cause chronic fatigue, mood disorders and thyroid problem I was surprised. Can't wait to make tests done.

I didn't eat today, just felt like it. Research inspired me to experiment with my diet more, I will try to cut all sugar and wheat + move towards fresh plant based diet as much as possible in my terrible financial situation.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I tried to get back to meditation. 1.5h worked so well, I gently observed impatience and irritation.

It felt like getting back to sanity.

Nofap 2 days.

My friend wakes me up several days in a row, seems that I used to it and I switch to 8.00 this week.

 

Weekly announcement:

I will do Leo' self-acceptance guided practice and try to not miss a day.

I'm getting back to meditation.

Waking up at 8.

Make every portion of food twice less and not overeat.

Daily check for all of that.

[ElenaO]

On 20/01/2018 at 3:07 PM, Privet said:

I had to fap 3 times before I felt like I'm gonna fall asleep, and I fell asleep well and got enough sleep.

There is some thing besides withdrawals that is becoming unbearable when I don't masturbate, an extreme fatigue and numbness. I tried to investigate my feeling more and it seems that this thing causes my nervous laughter, and this is despite that I quit meditation for one week!

I researched more and decided that I will do medical tests for:

• Candida infection
• Parasites
• Vitamin deficiencies
• Thyroid hormone

Probably also ultrasound investigation of the abdomine.

I had rapid urinating problem and I thought it's related to masturbation. I tried to warm my bladder with warmer couple months ago, it gave me first slightly high temperature then weakness and psychosis-like state. I thought it's just some inflammation and went to the doctor, he prescribed antibiotics and it solved the problem. But I still occasionally have slightly high body t, around 37C (today I checked and voila). I also have fungus on my feet that doesn't respond to antifungal ointment, when I was on antibiotics it disappeared and slowly got back when I was off them. When I found out that Candida overgrowth in your body can cause chronic fatigue, mood disorders and thyroid problem I was surprised. Can't wait to make tests done.

I didn't eat today, just felt like it. Research inspired me to experiment with my diet more, I will try to cut all sugar and wheat + move towards fresh plant based diet as much as possible in my terrible financial situation.

Hey, I am sorry to hear you have all those symptoms. It might be indeed some inflammation in your body. I would recommend eating clean for some time and seeing if it helps. Ideally, it would be a 30 day plan. I might be biased, because I myself follow the Paleo lifestyle, but I think it's worth checking this out. Try the whole 30. It's about eating clean (no grains, no dairy, etc.) and then slowly reintroducing some food to see what triggers your inflammation. 
Get well

[Privet]

@ElenaO  Thanks!

I tried to eat very healthy for 2 months couple years ago, it gave me very tangible change in perception, more energy and clear consciousness, I lost 25 pounds.

The problem with that diet is that it takes quite a variety of foods to sustain it and to provide your body with what it needs. Fruits and nuts don't grow here. Right now I can't afford it, but when I will finally get a job I will invest in that, it works, for sure.

The best thing I can afford now is fasting once a week, eating lesser amounts of food, avoiding fried food, bread, pasta etc.

I didn't eat the day before yesterday and it seems to make a positive impact.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I did everything.

Self-love practice makes me cry.

I have realized how much I beat myself and dont even notice it.

[Privet]

Everything done.

I hug myself when I practice self-love, because I am soft and warm.

[Privet]

I had no internet yesterday and probably won't have tomorrow.

I do all stuff that I mentioned.

I fap every 3 days, it seems to work for now until I'll find out what the hell is going on with my health.

[Privet]

Today I got sick of misery again and it regained my enthusiasm.

I sat to practice SDS and couldn't sit well because I felt very dizzy and impatient. I stopped and started doing breathing exercises to calm down and practice better than just fighting with resistance and move.

Here's the trick to do before SDS if you are impatient and hyperactive:

Download some metronome app and set it to 60 BPM so it clicks every second (or use mechanic clock), set a timer for 15 minutes, sit down, close your eyes and practice very slow breathing, count 10 seconds for inhale and 20 for exhale, try to not miss a click. It will slow your heartbeat and calm you down, very effective, force it, there is no point in hyperactiveness.

If you are totally fucked try this before slow breathing:

Download some counter application that can count you tapping on the button. Turn on some music and start breathing deeper and faster (but not too deep and not too fast) with the rhythm of music, tap your counter every breath until it reaches 1000 (takes 10-15 minutes). Then try to do squats for one song and the next song sit and do blowing, inhale as deep as possible and blow forcefully and slowly through compressed lips. Very important: this shit is to ground you and get back to Earth, concentrate on the present moment when you do this, on the environment around you, don't get lost in thinking, don't miss a squat, keep constant track of the counter and the environment.

Then you can do slow breathing. Then do SDS.

I could barely practice self-love yesterday, I was so foggy that I couldn't concentrate on what Leo's saying.

Friend is still waking me up, I get up at 8 and it seems that getting to bed early and waking up early is not enough to get used to it. I will practice a 30-minute breathing routine to ground and calm myself before I go to the bed.

Edited January 26, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

After the last message I've gone to bed after that grounding routine, I was calm and sleepy, but after some time trying to fall asleep I felt like I'm about to faint, it raised my heartbeat and gave me anxiety. Then I started to feel very cold, despite that my room is warm, then I had tremor, then I was at the brink of psychosis and called the emergency. They only injected me with some shit to lower my blood pressure and that's it, didn't want to hospitalize me.

Between the onset of that state and the emergency I read a dozen of articles and my symptoms look like severe deficiency in vitamin B12, tremor, cold and horror is happening for the second time, I had to call the emergency a month ago one more time, that time I thought it's some inflammation or poisoning, for the last 4 month I was weakening and getting more dumb. I tried to convince the doctors to take me to the hospital and they were sarcastic and treated me like an idiot relying on their medical education as an absolute truth guarantee and claimed that my state isn't life threatening and "you just read some bullshit in the internet". But in many sources you can find that strong vitamin B12 deficiency goes like this:

Long unreasonable depression, weakness, poor cognitive abilities > psychosis > paralysis/dementia > coma/death.

And some of that shit is irreversible because the vitamin is involved in the functioning of the nervous system and the deficiency can damage your nerves.

There is a problem of absorbing that vitamin in many people and the likelihood that it's the case is significant, also because of the nofap there might be the increased need for B12 because it's involved in testosterone production. Also that vitamin can cause thyroid problems.

I passed the blood test today and the results are coming in the next 3 days. But I started the injections already because it's the least toxic vitamin and I asked two pharmacist and they said "don't worry dude, get your shots, it's safe, excess is going to come out with your urine". I received only one 0.5 mg injection so far and if the blood shows strong deficiency I will look for a bigger dosages, I've read the report of some guy that claims that his body started responding to treatment only when he got 8000 mkg (8 mg) daily, he had severe deficiency. But I'll consult with a doctor first.

Also my parasite fecal test shown nothing. But it's just of 30% of the effectiveness and you can't completely rely on that one shot.

When I was horribly suffering at night I imagined that I'm dying, tried to relax and give up. Very eyeopening, because guess what, one day that won't be an imagination.

That's my pet theories for now, I will keep investigating.

No rules for anything related to meditation and sleep at the moment, strong regimen and lack of sleep gave me psychosis. Nofap is not an issue, I just don't have the drive at the moment.

Edited January 28, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I checked B12 and thyroid, doesn't look like the case. B12 300+ (200-900 normal range) which can only be classified as the subclinical deficiency, although there is some data that even in the lower part of the normal range people start to experience deficiency symptoms, injections don't seem to do anything greater than placebo or very subtle effect to me. Thyroid: TSH and T3 in the middle of the normal range, T4 very close to the upper limit, no thyroid antibodies.

There might be few other reasons that caused the attack:

• I took 2 anthelmintic pills in the day of attack. My mother took them either but didn't feel anything. But I might have some intestine diseases which are included in contraindications.
• I did breathing exercises before the attack. It can alter your blood pH and other things that potentially can cause even seizures. Although I did those exercises for weeks and that didn't make me feel sick, actually vice versa.
• Because my friend was waking me for a week I slept mostly for 3-5 hours because of the insomnia, I guess it may accumulate and give an adrenal attack.

Right now I feel better and try to get back on track. After the attack I was mostly bedridden for 3 days.

Spring fever is coming and I am already sick of unreasonable anxiety, my nights are nightmares, not that I'm afraid of something, there just that itchy emotion that doesn't let you sit still.

I bought a supplement of B6 + magnesium, will see if this is going to make any effect on me. I also wanna try zinc and omega 3. I tried D3 several month ago and it gave me side effects (fogginess, irritability), today I have read that you have to take it with magnesium, it helps your body to process this vitamin and if you experience side effects of D3 then it's probably because of the deficiency in magnesium that happens because D3 is being processed, I think I will try to mix D3 + B6/magnesium supplement after I'm 1 week on magnesium.

I did belly massage recently and noticed an immediate positive change in my mood, probably there is some constipation in my gut. I did that several times and sometimes it drastically affects me, but not always and this change usually backslides. Anyways this technique has some value.

Nofap is stable once every 3 days, I will try to abstain longer this week.

I'm confused on what to write here or how to journal, I have many thoughts and not sure what form should it take. Technically I view this journal as a habit tracker with written analysis and announcements of what I do and checking in with results.

Okay then. I realized once again that food is the shit, and I fucking have to change the way I eat because unhappy gut can give you unhappy brain very effectively, even gut massage affects mood, not to mention food.

This is the list of foods that I consume at the time but which I will alleviate:

• Wheat
• Sugar
• Mayonnaise
• Fried chicken
• Canned stew
• Fried onion sauce

I tried to eat less and count dishes but that's bullshit, I need some relatively objective measure so I will count kilocalories instead and keep it around >1.5k a day. I will check in with that daily and count successful days on diet.

Meditation: still not sure about this one, I feel the need to practice and how unconscious I am again, I guess I will try to practice one hour instead of 90 mins.

Sleep: fuck this torture, I will find a job and it will force the sleep, except for the time that I go to bed, I will get there early, just waking early doesn't seem to work at all.

Edited February 6, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I didn't eat today because I felt like it, maybe I will try to fast longer and see how it goes.

I habitually opened the fridge, saw a jar of honey and was like 'goddamit I committed to healthy eating' and closed the fridge. This journal works.

[Privet]

I relapsed the diet (yes, honey too).

Just keep going and not beat myself, I will try one more time tomorrow.

Cravings are gone but I feel worse.

That was fucking delicious.