NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

I reached out for help on that online Zen seminar, told them about my situation, about meds, depression, unemployment, addictions and asked for accountability. They agreed, now I'm trying to come up with a practical scheme that will make that shit work, I have to tell them how to hold me accountable so that they can spot when I avoid my shit that I won't have any chance to cheat. There are people there who have struggled a lot like me and who can understand me.

A dude from Great Britain was telling me some stuff today, I completely misunderstood what he was saying and told him "sorry, I have a real problem understanding British accent", everyone laughed and then he repeated his words. I remember two years ago I was on that seminar and I just couldn't say anything when I didn't get what he was saying, I just freaked out in shame and inside it was like "OMG WTF ARE YOU SAYING SHIT SHIT SHIT I'M FUCKED", I guess my social anxiety gets better.

Damn, I didn't realize how much pride I actually have. That lone-wolf mentality is a fucking narcissism. You either play it cool and don't talk about your problems in an attempt to impress others and yourself or you turn into pathetic complainer and make your situation look overly dramatic to manipulate people to express their sympathy.

Fuck, I have to stop this journal cuz it's useless, but I'm fucking addicted. Gonna give it a shot... Maybe... Probably... Hopefully... It will work... It's like when you're with a friend and don't wanna go, but it's time, it's time, dude... Just let it go... *poof*

[Privet]

So I went to a psychiatrist. She prescribed me Xanax, fuck Xanax, I'll shoot it in my mouth like candies. Couldn't get the antidepressant prescription because she was avoiding any discussion. I've also hidden my symptoms of bipolar from her because in this case I would get valproic acid or lithium which come with some nasty side effects and toxicity and I see no use in it unless severely manic. Also antidepressants may trigger mania or hypomania (which I had) that's another thing.

I worked one day as a carwasher. Jesus Christ I really feel sorry for those stage red/blue women that work there 12 hours a day with very little weekends. The work is okay, it could give me some grounding physical exercises that are not too exhausting and very flexible working schedule, but the unbearable part is that they expect you to wash very fast and clean which is so difficult that it makes you sweaty and angry. After my exam car that I had to wash fast in the end of the day I was so depressed that I was thinking of suicide again, I barely suppressed my cries in front of my collegues. When I went home I was crying all the way and just surrendering to depression talking to myself like "oh yeah bitch, that's devil coming out of me, yikes". I thought "OK, depressed, not a big deal, will see in the morning if I can handle this job further", and then I realized that I don't even have time to sleep enough even though I tried to cook and shower as fast as I can. When I woke up in the morning it was definitely no. Well, at least I worked there for the experience, bwehehe, it was actually fun to use those waterguns, when you press the trigger you feel like you've got all the power in the world, you freaking clearing fairy goddamit.

I had fights with my parents about psychiatry and work and shit. They agreed to help me financially with anti-inflammatory diet and acknowledged my health problems. The diet is the one of my main goals at the moment. Still looking for work though.

My accountability partnership works. It's been almost a month since I stopped masturbating irresponsibly, it also helped me with some other important commintments like job search.

I tried melatonin for sleep and it works. But I have some side effects: headache, nausea, it also seems to affects my kundalini. The carwashing thing shook my schedule and mental state, I will keep experimenting with it. First time I took it I woke up very early in the morning with no alarm and was like "HOLY FUKK?!?! MIRACLE!". Waking up in time definitely lessens my social anxiety and brain fog.

Do-nothing is helpful for anxiety for me. Anxiety always comes with constant decision making loop, you are constantly in that state "I gotta fix this, I gotta fix that, what do I do what do I do what do I do", while do-nothing is the opposite of that. You just sit and whatever, fuck it, blah-blah-blah. As you develop do-nothing you can access that any time of the day when you catch yourself in that meaningless decision-making spiral.

The length of the day started to increase in northern hemisphere, I will finally have spring fever after all.

[Privet]

It's time to end this journal and start a new one.

Lessons learned:

• Serious accountability structure is the answer to my porn/fap addiction.
• Enlightenment takes a lot of work on neurosis/health/energies besides meditation.
• I was spiritually bypassing.
• I suck at long-term goals.
• I'm sick of poverty.
• I shall not exhaust myself anymore with manic pursuit of goals and be patient.

[Privet]

Fuck.

That was hypomania. And it backlashed with depression. I'm fucked. No idea what to do but shrink my time horizon to one day and have faith that I will come up with something to help myself.

 

Edited December 25, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I want to fucking complain and be needy and feel like myself. Cause I can. Cause it's okay to complain. Cause I haven't written something really authentic and vulnerable for awhile.

So, it's the middle of the winter and I'm fucking depressed as fuck you fucking fuck.

The length of the day is just 7 hours and it's like sitting all day long in the cellar and going out only in the morning for several hours, it doesn't feel natural at all, it feels like you've been put in some artificial environment in which some important component of nature is missing.

It feels like you've been poisoned with something, your energy level is so low you can barely do shit even though you're one of the most driven motherfuckers you've ever known. Your mind is about as powerful as it is when you haven't sleep for twenty-four hours, no short term memory, no concentration, no creativity. You break out crying every now and then for no reason. Your head literally feels like it's inflamed inside in the area of the third eye. Shame, shame, walls of unreasonable deep shame, it's so fucking visceral, it's not just emotion, it's like a body part. I can tell you a million situations where I fucked up something even a little bit during last year, and all that crap is just stuck in my head, I can stop that thinking process for awhile, but it always comes back, I get sick of it and let go, and it comes back again and again and it will until the depression is gone.

Any time you think of doing something valuable you end up giving up with that meaningless crap, not because everything is meaningless, everything is wonderful and interesting and there's so much to do, there's so much white walls to paint, but you've got no fucking energy, none, zero. You know that if you force yourself you'll just break out crying, and if you force yourself further you'll end up giving up in half an hour because you sit and stare at the computer screen and can't think a fucking thought clearly because you're just crying in agony. I recently watched videos from one of my favorite bands creating their new album and oh boy, I miss this spirit of creativity in my life so fucking much.  I just hope that someday I will be capable of creating something with shit ton of passion in my eyes again and get completely lost in it. Fuck, I haven't done that for over a year.

Depression amplifies your narcissism, makes you very irritable, judgemental, envious and combative. You just see all the crap in people and judge them and hate everyone, you know that it's all you and has nothing to do with them, you don't act on your impulses, but you have to deal with all that irrational shit in yourself and cut through all the bullshit to see things as they are, yes it purifies your neurotic patterns, but it still sucks and it's difficult. You see people as evil and flawed, it gets hard to communicate with them, because any time you get irritated you have to understand is this their shit, or your shit, are you projecting or are they full of shit, are you rude, or are you fairly protecting yourself, are you being reasonably angry or are you overreact, and yadayadayada.

Interactions with my parents really piss me off lately. The most annoying part is that they are the only people I can ask help from. You just can't possibly explain to uneducated people things like depression or anti-inflammatory diet and their help is just useless. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING TOLD THAT BREAD IS HEALTHY BECAUSE IT CONTAINS VITAMIN B6, FUCK!

Another annoying thing is that people just don't get how depressed you can get. They think you have victim mentality, or that you are not trying hard enough, or they just expect you to act like you're not depressed, or they get irritated by any little whimper because they are arrogant fucks that deny their own weaknesses. Well if I would shoot your fucking leg we would see how you would not be playing a victim you fucking fuck.

I daydream about woman's love and hugs again. Dammit, it's been so long, sooo long!

Oh FUCK yes, now I feel much better. Meow.

Edited December 26, 2018 by Privet