NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

@Azote  Also I apologize for the way I have chosen to deliver my criticism to you. Even though I still consider it to be fair and constructive the way I told you this was just nuts considering your current situation.

I know exactly how much it hurts because I've gone through it at the precisely same age with the very similar circumstances and sorry, my bad, I didn't recognize that resentful sensitive me in you, I let my inner asshole to misbehave in the most inappropriate time.

[Privet]

21 hours ago, Privet said:

The goals are:

• Nofap
• Diet
• Sleep schedule
• Meditation (in the morning - important)
• Smoking
• Procrastination
• Diligent tracking/journaling/analyzing

I only did nofap and diet.

I tried to meditate but I only could handle 35 minutes laying in the bed and suffering badly.

I experience a lot of weird subtle nervous tics. Sometimes my fingers shake, sometimes I feel like I'm about to feel a seizure and energy all over my body flows towards my head. My third eye feels very tensed. I suppose this is what happens. It's just a more subtle version of what I experienced when I meditated more in winter.

I have slightly higher body temperature for over a week and I am not sure about the reason.

I spent most of the day in bed feeling like shit.

I don't know what to do, I just can't handle myself and don't know where to get help or is there even any help I can get. It doesn't feel like WOO ALL WORLD IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE, I'm okay, but I just feel very weak, anytime I try to do anything I feel tense, especially in my head.

[Azote]

Oh shit, Ralph Smart 

Have been watching him every day until some weeks ago. Nope. That's too much woo woo, but thanks.

---------------

Hope you get well tho, with all this weird shit.

 

 

[okulele]

@Privet Get well soon and meantime take it easy. You deserve a break 

[Privet]

Thanks guys!

@Azote Hope you memorized the recipe while I was cooking.

[Privet]

They called me and I get that tourist guide job, fuk yeh. I will be guiding people in the forests, mountains and caves.

I didn't meditate for several days and I feel like my reality is very surreal.

I'm still mostly bedridden and can't do shit.

Although I noticed an interesting thing: when I talk to people this shit passess a lot. I feel it's fun to talk to them because it's like you poke someone, they poke you back and you know, that flow of interaction, the infinite play of pokes. I guess that's because I have been alone in my cave too much. Looking forward to what the job will bring.

Edited June 27, 2018 by Privet

[taleen]

@Privet this could be a life altering thing, am glad for you.

good luck with your new job.

[Privet]

@taleen Thank you!

[Privet]

 

[Privet]

Well…

I underestimated how great the job will work to help me with nofap and other addictions.

I underestimated the amount of butthurt I have to go through to get back to society, but I guess I'm pretty much okay now. It was VERY difficult, I was pissed off again and again because of the various reasons, that I'm weird, that I'm afraid of people, sensitive, tired, care too much what people think of me, can't get up in time and so on.

One thing I noticed is that because I was away from people for a long time I became very sensitive because of that spiritual la-la land. Everyone are so nice here on this forum and in other places related to spirituality but when you go in real life noone is even aware of how they hurt you. Although at the same time people now seem a lot less evil since I became less evil myself and there's a lot more nice people than I might think. A good trick is that anytime you annoy anyone - congratulations, they have seen their own reflection in you. Don't take it seriously, sometimes what they have seen is only about them, not you. If you get annoyed by them or their freak out, well…

There is a single hottie here that was teaching me some job related stuff and she was so damn kind and loving to me during that, it was like an unintentional psychotherapy session, I just melted, hello good mother. But I guess I have zero chances for her attention as a women because she's way more independent than me.

I'm way better than at home but still fucked up, fireworks in life don't exist, not in the future, not after some achievement, not when you solve some problem, nowhere, you're ultimately fucked up. Ouch.

Edited July 5, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I am completely back to society. Nothing new, people still suck and I'm bored as hell of them. There's so little people that I'm interested to talk to. Everyone thinks they know shit and then you find out that it's just a bunch of bullshit. Nobody knows that they suffer. They consider deep conversations lame and boring. They are confident and ignorant and I'm truthful and incofident. I was very careful about judgements and thought that I should be less judgemental and make sure it's not just my narcissism and projections. But judgement is empty. Truth is truth. If something sucks it sucks. And it doesn't. Ha.
I had a date with a girl and she really liked me but she lives in the another city. Fuck. Still wanna warm hugs so much.
I guess I have a goal - to cry in public and feel like myself, let them judge and not justify. I tried today because I felt like it but it's so fucking hard!
Another insight is that I'm too afraid to hurt women's feeling. I'm afraid that if I seduce a girl that is less conscious than me and our relationships won't last I will hurt her. And I don't know. From one side I will have sex and hugs sooner, but from another, am I gonna use her? Am I gonna regret? Is that her problem or my either? Is there safe conscious short term love with someone who is not very conscious? I suppose I need to do some trial and error and see what's true and what's not, it's tricky to say with so little experience.
Huuuuuugs.

[Privet]

I'm at home.

My two female bosses started systematically violating my personal boundaries (actually from the beginning, but that wasn't serious, yet..), meaning they were shouting at me. At some point I got mad and started arguing because of the another conflict. Then I said "maybe we stop snipping at each other like kids till the end of the season and solve the problem the mature way?". The one that I told this (that hottie that was teaching me in the beginning) "handled" this problem to another (the older boss) and then the interesting stuff happened. We talked with the older boss: first I apologized for the content of our argument (I was kinda in a hurry and fucked up a little bit with the work), when I started talking about my boundaries she tried to convince me that I am trolling that hottie and I should get off, also that "we're women, we're emotional, you're man, you gotta be patient". She tried to convince me that the younger boss is such a sensitive bunny and that the fact that she's telling me this is such a private thing which is obviously just an attempt to cover the ass of the younger boss and abuse my empathy. Then she jokingly threatened me because I ridiculed this cheap trick.

The next day I demanded my money and even more interesting shit happened. They got together and started some weird "official theater" (while the work was unofficial) because they understood they did something wrong and thought that the fact that I'm such a kind and soft-skinned nerd will make this shit work. They tried many obvious manipulations at least half from this list, when that was happening I didn't sleep all night and just said "I'm probably not in the best condition, I will sleep, then we talk". The next day I came into senses and demanded apologies and my salary or I'm getting outta here. The older boss apologized.

Then I worked one day and when it came to the salary time they payed and fired me, I guess because the younger boss found out about apologies of the older. We had some time together with the younger boss, talked all night once, had very intimate conversations. She probably contextualized the situation in general like I felt in love with her and just try to annoy her because of the resentment. While actually I lost all my attraction a week before when I spot that she lacks integrity and tries to manipulate me (without any conflict), and it probably annoyed her, because she seems to be that kind of a women that sucks value from guys. She started allowing her shitty little abuses from around that time.

P.S. I wish you could see the older boss' face all day afterwards when I made her apologize by threatening her profit (it takes some pain in the ass to find such a worker during this time of the season). Ego hates to take responsibility and reflected manipulations. I think I wouldn't do manipulation unless I had to get my money, because the work is unofficial and it's quite common in those places to not get your money in such a situation.

There are some lessons from this mud contest:

• People suck more than I think.
• Boundaries...
• Reactivity...
• When someone violates your boundaries you should immediately protects it in the polite way, for example "could you please not rise your voice on me?" or "help me understand why are you letting yourself to rise your voice right now?". Aggression or silence against aggression doesn't work. Only conscious polite response.
• Demanding for apologies is ridiculous. Unless you have to work with those people. In relationships it seems to be logical to just leave the person that doesn't show any sign of regret for their wrong moves.

Edited August 7, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

https://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=3296

It seems that I have the energy block described in the link above.

I practice relaxing of my troat that is recommended there for two days and it seems to work. I've been really stuck in my SDS during last week and many times before, hope this is the issue.

Internet says that blockage in the troat chakra may be related to all kind of things that I have like social anxiety, problems with wording during speaking, fear of defending my position, fear of self-expression.

Yesterday when I started experimenting with this throat thing I felt an overwhelming relief right to the level of laughter. I started farting afterwards and my digesting system felt like it activated and started working better and I had a better appetite, slower digestion is also mentioned in the symptoms of the block.

I have just meditated the whole hour on that chakra and it feels like it affects the heart one as well. I've had feeling of joy and love during meditation at times when I managed to let go of tension and focus on the chakra.

Even now as I'm writing this I noticed tightness in my throat and let it go and it feels better.

I'll keep testing that.

[Privet]

On 9/29/2018 at 0:03 AM, Privet said:

hope this is the issue

Nope. I guess it's more complicated than just that block, I've got lots of stuck energy in my body. Troat relaxation still gives some relief though.

I recently noticed that whenever something challenging happens I start to seek for answers in books and internet or try to come up with a theory of how to solve the problem and eventually my mind gets overwhelmed with huge variety of perspectives, I desperately come to a conclusion that no matter how many maps you have you don't wanna spend all your time studying them instead of navigating the territory. There's so many ways to slice the pie of reality and no matter how you slice it the pie is the pie. Mind has to serve you, not to stand on your way. I think it's enormously, enormously important to understand that the territory is always so different from the map.

I completely gave up on meditation and enlightenment and don't know for how long. I'm totally devastated and sick of seeking. Even a thought about meditation freaks me out. It's strange but I feel a lot better without meditating. This whole neurotic narcissistic enlightenment seeking is just wrong, it's the best way to set yourself for suffering. Maybe it's time to integrate what I developed during last years onto my day to day life. I think I head towards slowly melting my discomfort around people with the awareness that I gained.

I also gave up planning anything whatsoever. It seems pointless to rely on planning currently. I just follow whatever my intuition brings. Planning feels very strange when you don't know what the fuck you are going to do with your life. But at the same time I understand that I don't need to find out what my life should be like and instead get out of my own way and let that shit unfold. I memorize how I started writing music: I didn't seek for anything oh-so-important, I didn't try to find out what should I do, it just happened accidentally, I was driven by curiosity and inspiration, not some stupid narcissistic craving for becoming world class and some so-fucking-valuable musician. In fact, this is exactly what killed my passion for music, the desire to become significant. It's scary, I feel strong desire to get back in control, but it doesn't seem to work at that time of my life. The voice in my head keeps nagging that I should do something immediately, fix everything and blah-blah-blah, bullshit, just a desire to run away from what is.

It seems that by trying to observe my emotions I actually trained myself to cling to them. I trained myself to believe that if I watch them hard enough they will go away, while actually you have to watch them as if you want them to never pass nor stay, just slightly touch, like how you look at some object in the room, it's stupid to expect something to disappear by watching it, impermanence is impermanent, if it passes - it passes, if stays - stays.

My relationships with family get better and better. There's no arguments and drama anymore. It seems to me that they all changed, maybe that's because I changed mostly since their pace is way slower than mine. I remember that a year ago I looked at them and thought "poor people, it's so sad to live your lives", now I'm completely fine with their level of development, they are perfect as they are, no need to change anything in them.

I come up with a lot of ideas for posts but it always feels like it's something weird, some weird shit is happening with my identity because many parts of my personality are a distorted superego shield and I become aware of that. It's very confusing. Many voices and opinions on what to write in my head are constantly battling.

Edited November 3, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

On 03.11.2018 at 7:51 PM, Privet said:

I completely gave up on meditation and enlightenment and don't know for how long.

I meditated 9 hours on Friday, then 2 and 6 hours on the following days, LOL, not that long. Meditation gives me stiffness in intestines, energy blocks, fucking energy blocks.

At the ninth hour on Friday I completely gave up and just lean my head towards the wall that I sat next to on the stool. Dammit, the feeling that I had afterwards was so weird. I felt completely utterly okay about myself, like all my inner demons became insignificant at once, like all the shit that I embody suddenly doesn't matter. A feeling like my chest is spacious inside also accompanied this.

Wave of intense suffering followed by equanimity be like (3.29-end):

Heed - it commands, heed my will
Bleed - it says, bleed you will

 

[Privet]

I'm discovering journal therapy. Cool shit.

Unsent letters is my fav technique atm.

It comes down to this:

• Pick a person which makes you feel some bad emotions (from present or past - doesn't matter), who wronged you in some way, betrayed, humiliated, dominated, manipulated, abused, lied etc.
• Unload as much hatred as possible in written form in the most uncensored manner and don't think much, just explode, I mean as uncensored as possible. If you're afraid of what will come out of you during this process, well, congratulations, you lil nasty shitless fucker, come out of the closet!
• Feel the relief.
• Pick another person. Repeat. And so on.

[Privet]

Human evolution in a nutshell:

- OH! THE BANANA!

- LET'S MURDER THAT MAMMOTH TOGETHER!

- GET OUT OF MY WAY, BASTARDS!

- YOU GOTTA BEHAVE, MAN! THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE!

- GONNA MAKE SOME BUCKS ON THOSE NAIVE SLUGS!

- I HEAR YOU, BROTHERS!

- DAYUM, THIS SHIT IS HELLA COMPLICATED!

- TRUTH IS MY GUIDANCE!

- DUNNO DUDE! I JUST HAPPEN! IT'S PERFECT!

[Privet]

Watched latest episode about Spiral Dynamics nuances and confirmed what I thought about myself lately after reading couple of books of Ken and others on those topics.

I have very, very uneven growth in my lines of development yet I have no fucking idea what to do about it. I tend to assume that I have to give up control and just dwell in grace and welcome whatever comes, but man, it's scary as fuck, I'm always like "dude, if you're gonna keep doing it you'll end up being a fucking bummer".

I tried to get an easiest job I could find as a seller in a Zoo Shop, but in the second day of education I just gave up in suicidal state and said I'm not coming there anymore. I just can't, it's overwhelmingly painful to pay attention and use my mind to even learn easy stuff. Technically I can, with crying, anger and stuff, but who needs such a worker?

I have read some chapters in Adyashanti's book "The End of Your World" in which he talks about the energetic component of awakening, he says that this "tired and wired" state is common in awakening process and you just have to accept it as a natural process of transformation of your body adjusting to awakening and releasing it's baggage, it may happen even before awakening, some people struggle more, some less. He says that after that process of realigning there should be way more clarity. He also says that someone came to him after checking for Alzheimer's, LOL, which is very similar to my situation, I can barely remember shit and have absolutely terrible memory lately.

Here's what happened to Eckhart Tolle:

Quote

In his mid-30s he lost interest in research and abandoned academia, drifting for two years, staying with friends or occasionally in a Buddhist monastery, sitting on park benches and sleeping rough on Hampstead Heath. His family thought him “irresponsible, even insane”.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. On the other hand there's Shinzen Young who recommends to take antidepressants and tells that it took him 18 months of therapy with a psychiatrist to overcome his procrastination DECADES AFTER he woke up. I have incredibly addictive personality and the perspective of taking antidepressants scares me as fuck. Also in some books on Kundalini they advice to not take meds when you have Kundalini Syndrome. I'm so confused about what to do, you just can't imagine, dude. Can't meditate, can't work, can't do yoga, can't earn money for psychedelics, can't nothing. Fuck.

I'm just from an online Zen seminar that I've been attending for a couple of years (it resumed again after several months, yay), and this triggered shit ton of shame in me, because talking to mature, educated, high consciousness people in foreign language is very challenging and my shame is as always overwhelming, I'm so afraid of what they will think of me that I barely manage to deliver my interesting thoughts which I strongly believe are of interest to them. But in the heat of situation it's like "um... ah... well... you know... form... formlessness...".

Here's what my level of development is like:

• Level of consciousness: don't mean to show off but I think I'm clearly in the transition from yellow to turquoise. I genuinely believe that my life is perfect and I am perfect as is, I am slowly transcending the dream, yet I am absolutely fucking terrible at playing this dream out, I'm just a kid who had glimpses of the absolute that still sucks mother's tit and can't do shit.
• Hierarchy of needs: gross, just gross.
• Neurotic conditioning/shadow: I gained a lot of awareness of it over the course of last couple of years, yet understanding your shadow is like 5% of the work, dissolving it is way, way more difficult task. You can easily acknowledge that you have shame-based personality and post on the forum for the sake of validation and attention-whoring, it's whole 'nother story to stop doing it. I think relationships line of development is almost the same as shadow line because without the other there's noone to trigger you and your neurotic conditioning only makes sense in the context of the communication with the outer world which is mostly interaction with people. You don't get ashamed in front of a tree, don't you?
• Spirituality: several tiny glimpses of truth, too neurotic to stabilize the mind in inquiry for further unraveling.

I'm stuck, afraid of fucking up my life and don't know what to do. Shit.

Edited November 19, 2018 by Privet

[Azote]

2 hours ago, Privet said:

Also in some books on Kundalini they advice to not take meds when you have Kundalini Syndrome.

Well, they also advice to not meditate for more than 20 mins a day, and it didn't stop you. There are also disclaimers everywhere that tell you to seek professional help in case of fuck-ups. 

[Privet]

I did my lil meta analysis of the opinions:

• Here and here Shinzen tells why meds can be helpful
• In the topic "I'm enlightened..." user winterknight says that not treating clinical condition only hinders your path
• In the book "The Mind Illuminated" Culadasa suggest to seek profession help in case of too much distress (Stage four chapter, I guess)
• Kundalini books disclaimers
• Leo strongly advocates against meds, but he says he never was clinically depressed and he didn't work with people as a spiritual teacher much, success coach doesn't count
• Here Benjamin Smythe recommends Zen way of dealing with depression, but I get the sense that he is kinda too bald in his approach, we live in 21 century and there's no need to try to necessarily go Buddha anymore, working smarter is a good idea
• On an online seminar an enlightened dude told me that yoga helped him a lot to release his emotional traumas from the body and meditate better, he also said that the path doesn't necessarily have to be so traumatic and he wishes he knew that earlier

I guess I'll give it a shot and go to a psychiatrist. I think the reason I'm so reluctant towards meds is as always narcissism: I was afraid to appear weak and be perceived as a failure and didn't quit university until I absolutely had to, I was attached to my fantasies about successful life as a musician and I burned myself out and had to give up, and now, I am forced to try meds and give up my perfectionism and that "UM GUNNA HANDLE IT COLD TURKEY BRUH". This vibe is not your bro:

/========================================/

I am absolutely amazed by this song, damn, technology made it possible for various miraculous shit to pop up from random places all around the globe. In the first interview on the channel Buddha at The Gas Pump Shinzen Young said that when he was young he couldn't even imagine that the world will be the way it is now, after watching this video I get the same sense about our future. Watch out, ants! The colony is out of control!

 

Edited November 24, 2018 by Privet