NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

Depression is back. I was hungry and tired and away from home, holding till the last drop of equanimity but I smoked again. I guess the addiction is back, it makes me sad after 1.5 years of not smoking, I have to quit again. I suppose it's some seasonal pattern, last summer I had problems with equanimity either. At winter there's more fatigue and depression feels kinda like passive sadness, in the summer there's a strong desire to cover the depression by some pleasure, depression gets kind of bound with cravings and they multiply each other.

Except that other addictions are fine, I was deciding to buy some crappy food again but managed to convince myself that it's only gonna make me feel shittier. Meditation - 2 hours.

Vision work: I made an excuse to not do that again. First I postponed it than I just completely went off the day plan that I had.

I thought that I have no precise goals, but actually I do have them, I just don't track the progress and didn't formalize them.

Here is my goal list:

• To generate an enlightenment experience
• To break the addiction to porn/lust/masturbation
• To stop eating unhealthy
• To lose 30 pounds
• To develop a good sleeping pattern

I shall not skip the vision work tomorrow.

[Azote]

These goals still seem kinda blurry  tho

Except for the first one 

[Privet]

@Azote How would you make them more precise?

Except for the 1 and 4 ones it comes down to a long streak with no relapse, like 1 year or so. Reducing strong addictions takes several years, but 1 year is a reliable sign that you have reached more or less stable state.

Edited May 14, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

Nofap, diet, meditation - ok. Smoking - not ok.

I meditated 1 + 1.5 hours. 1.5h SDS caused a little backlash, it's weird, it's not that difficult to no get up from cushion but the aftereffect is very unpleasant, I feel tired afterwards and more spaced out but at the same time have less trouble to stay still, I guess meditation works, but the emotional baggage that it uncovers is beyond my level of equanimity, all negative emotions that make me unconsciously impatient when I don't meditate become conscious when I meditate and they are very difficult because I become highly aware of them.

I got another temporary job proposal and unfortunately most likely I won't be able to meditate 2 hours a day.

Anyways, the main goal is to not relapse nofap and diet during this week and meditate 1 hour a day. Also it's very important to get to the bed early to not get too depressed on the work.

I commit to that during this week. To use the work to stay on track with addictions and to journal every day, even if I relapse, to get back on track as soon as possible and not beat myself.

[Privet]

Still smoke. Nofap and diet - ok. I didn't meditate but I'm too fucking exhausted, I couldn't fall asleep at night and then worked on the job. I'm fucked, I need to get some rest.

[ElenaO]

I also have issues with falling asleep. I think it might be due to not counting the caffeine I'm consuming. Even though I drink just a cup of coffee and maybe two-three cups of tea. Too much, apparently. 

[Privet]

13 hours ago, ElenaO said:

I also have issues with falling asleep. I think it might be due to not counting the caffeine I'm consuming. Even though I drink just a cup of coffee and maybe two-three cups of tea. Too much, apparently. 

I have zero caffeine intake, I never drank coffee often but also I reduced tea couple month ago which definitely had a good effect on my sleep. This time it's due to energy spikes because of Nofap and SDS.

When I quit drinking tea I noticed that even one cup gives me insomnia, I did the experiment several times to make sure it's because of tea.

Edited May 16, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

No posts for 12 days, here's what happened during this time:

1) I started an accountability partnership with a girl that I met online, then I got addicted to her and it ended with a bit of drama from my side. I was having a heavy ego backlash after 6 day nofap streak and honestly told her that I lack communication, but that shit was completely dictated by my texting addiction and a very unreasonable expectations about the amount of messages that I would receive from her.

2) This accountability partnership broke the streak of heavy misery and relapses that I experienced before. I didn't relapse diet for over a week and it's so damn delicious, reality feels brighter and I don't feel groggy except when nofap shit fuckes me up. I had a 6 day nofap streak, I relapsed it first consciously then unconsciously in the next day and maturbated several times, but still I feel way way better than before this streak. I still smoke, 1-3 day streaks max, then relapse, the bad thing about it that it doesn't make me feel worse if I smoke 1-3 cigarettes a day, actually better, when I quit it 1.5 years ago I was motivated by disgust of excessive smoking, now it will be harder to convince my subconscious mind that I need to quit.

What have I learned recently:

1) I shouldn't make important decisions until I get calm. This is how I wrote her about the lack of communication, I was in the emotional hell and still believed my mind. I did that many times before. The problem is that I rarely get calm, when I do I love everyone and have no problem with the world. But most of the time my thought process is moved by shame and depression and half of the time I don't realize that.

2) I still get addicted to women that I get to make friends with incredibly fast. I get very needy and annoying and they just get sick of me.

3) I overthink what people think of me. Shame and guilt shapes my thoughts and I tend to percieve people's opinion about me worse than it actually is.

4) I project too fucking much. I am addicted to figure out people's personality traits and I make many mistakes when I do that.

5) I preach too much and often stick my opinion where it doesn't belong and wasn't asked of.

6) CONSISTENCY IN DIET FUCKING MATTERS!!!

7) Nofap streaks longer than even 4 days don't work for me. I think that I experience kundalini awakening and related side effects like depression and ADD for several years and nofap makes it unbearable.

8) I have to slow down the amount of meditation practice to only 2-3 hours occasionally + 1 hour a day. Also I should not skip the self compassion practice that I did before. It's just useless to try to deal with the amount of the emotional challenge that is way beyond my level of equanimity.

Goals for now:

1) Nofap 4 day streaks. No porn, no edging, as fast as possible. 30 days in that mode. 0 days in.

2) Diet. Take current streak to 30 days. 8 days in.

3) No smoking. 0 days in.

4) Not forget to use coping skills.

5) Meditation. 8 days in.

6) Jogging 3 km a day except when not able at all.

7) Stick to the set of reminders in my habit tracker app that I made before. (There are also stuff like Vision work, Self-compassion/affirmations, Labeling procrastination).

8) Track habits both here and in habit tracker. My mind is stupid and still doesn't want to keep track of the goals seriously and precisely.

Why do I want to do all that?

My life is fucking painful. Why the fuck am I wasting my time in misery if I can get happier/healthier/wealthier? I definately don't enjoy all the time that I waste. Do I want to regret another wasted day? Month? Year? Or do I wan't to become a better person? Or keep suffering and failing?

Do I wan't to spend a day feeling unhappy and running away from that? Do I wan't to feel like shit only because my petty ego tells me how miserable it is because of a little discipline?

Ok, I accept myself being a loser, it doesn't define who I am and it's absolutely fine, but why the fuck would I keep being a loser if I have so much potential?

If I get to achieve smaller goals, then it will motivate me more, then it will snowball. My life can become way way better than it is now. It will be so fulfilling to get up and realize that I wan't to do things, that I am engaged and energized, that I don't merely cope with suffering with a bunch of hedonic gratifications.

As I write this my mind tries to sabotage me, shame and doubt, and it will happen again as I keep trying to proceed my goals. That's just temporary patterns that are left in my psyche because of the parenting by people who spent their life in suffering and will never even know that they live life like a burden. I promise myself to believe in myself and treat me with compassion and encouragement.

Svāhā.

Edited May 29, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

Imagine life of a bum, what is it like? Every morning you get up dirty in some shithole. You have to beg for money and often you barely manage to get enough for even shitty food. Sometimes you starve. Everyone treats you like shit. You wash rarely in places like river or lake or if you are lucky probably under the cold water somewhere where people let you. You can't get to a warm place with a clean and soft bed and just lay down and relax. Just imagine yourself in this position, really imagine how you smell like shit and beg people for money every day because you have nothing in your life and this is the only way you can eat, at least for some time. Imagined? Do you think it's disgusting? Yes, because you are used to comfort. If you would be forced to live like that for a year and all your concerns are only about survival that will probably not shock you that much. Your smell wouldn't be such a problem when you managed to get some food after a day of starvation. You would probably get used to beg for money because you have to and won't be so ashamed anymore, this emotion will just forcefully atrophy, same shit with your smell and look.

Now imagine Chester Bennington, a singer of the band called Linkin Park. What would it be like for you in his place? You probably have a great house, a great car, a dream career that you are passionate about, millions of people around the world would fucking shine if they get to meet you, your wife is a former Playboy model and you have three kids. I mean really, just imagine that many people around the world are obsessed with your character, cool, huh? Probably not that cool since he committed suicide about a year ago. What about Kurt Cobain? Merilin Monroe? Robin Williams?

Now imagine one more time that a crowd of people are obsessed with you. You meet them, they want to take a picture with you, they are shining and utterly happy to talk to you. What if you have a 100 concerts a year and you meet these people every time it ends? Do you think it would be as pleasing to you as it first seemed in your imagination? Probably not. Same shit with house, car, dream creer, Playboy model.

And usually if people commit suicide and don't even leave a note it means they suffer because of the devastating depression for several years. What is it like? Probably you cry almost every day, you are hopeless, you feel like shit all the time, your suicidal self-talk accompanied by total, utter emotional devastation can barely stop for a brief periods of time, you are totally used to and even sick of all the wealth that you have, it has zero positive effect on you. Is that too different from life of a bum? If you think yes than you have never been depressed as much as all those people that I listed, they fucking killed themselves, see?

Do you remember this feeling of anticipation when you wait to get something like a computer, a car, a girlfriend, money or something else? Then what happens next, say, in a month? You get used to it and it's like you have always had it. Yes, it's plausible. But not so speacial anymore.

I don't know why did I write this. I just had an impulse. I guess the point that I want to make is that you have to be happy with your life purpose independently of success. You don't have to wait for fascination, curiosity, desire to create like for a shipment from an internet shop. Life purpose is not something you get, it's something you give and can't keep for yourself because it burns your pocket. And also that physiological and psychological health and enlightenment are way more important than everything else. Are you ready to live a life of happy bum?

Edited May 30, 2018 by Privet

[moon777light]

@Privet wow this latest message. Makes you really think. 

[Privet]

@moon777light Not only think, hopefully.

[Privet]

One more insight for today.

People often say about some band that it's no good anymore. Something like "they sold themselves to a label and write music for money". This is very common phenomenon and I think I have an idea why that happens. Probably that happens because initially the drive for these musicians was somewhat neurotic/egoic and when they get successful they just don't want to work as hard anymore because they got what they wanted, it doesn't come from their heart anymore. Even things like "I want to help people" can be neurotic, for example when you want to build a good self image around this because you think you are not good enough unconditionally. Another good example is "contribution to society/evolution", couldn't that be just a desire to be significant because you are not significant enough for yourself independently of circumstances? Deep authentic desire to help people and change the world and the same but neurotic one are very subtle to distinguish. I think the difference is detachment, you understand on a deep level that everything is a meaningless piece of shit, all your work will be gone forever because the sun will burn the planet in the end and who gives a fuck how significant you are, but you still can enjoy achieving your goals, I mean "can/choose", not "need to".

Edited May 30, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

• Nofap: yes, 1 day in, goal - 30 days.
• Diet: yes, 9 days in, goal - 30 days.
• No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days. I was negotiating about an hour with myself when I was with a friend and then smoked. I smoked more than 5 cigarettes and I felt this disgusting taste again.
• Coping skills: I forgot to use it.
• Meditation. yes, 9 days in, goal - 30 days.
• Jogging: yes.
• Set of reminders: yes, except for labeling procrastination.

[Everyday]

2 hours ago, Privet said:

Set of reminders: yes, except for labeling procrastination.

i recommend you to try Todoist. i have been using it for over a year. it`s perfect for setting reminders and planning. you can use labels,colors,folders,3 level importance of your goals etc.

the coolest thing is that you can set you reminders to self-repeat everyday,once a week,every 6 moths etc.!

   

 

[Privet]

@Everyday Thanks!

[Privet]

• Nofap: yes, 2 days in, goal - 30 days.
• Diet: yes, 10 days in, goal - 30 days.
• No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days.
• Coping skills: I guess I invented a new one: I tried to sit the second hour of meditation and had an incredible craving to give up and masturbate, I got to the bed, took the phone, put my hand in the pants and procrastinated until cravings were gone. But that doesn't work with smoking yet, I guess I relied on "awareness alone is curative" because I completely drained the willpower with nofap today and smoking cravings were too stubborn.
• Meditation. yes, 10 days in, goal - 30 days. I had some incredible tension release because of do-nothing technique today. It felt like I'm about to have an orgasm, I even had erection and energy moving all across my body and then just, you know, it's gone, that was so relieving, Also here's an insight: meditating without self-compassion creates the biggest energy block, you judge yourself because you can't concentrate, which is totally out of your control since there's no free will, then it produces uncinscious muscle tension and it carries with you.
• Jogging: yes.
• Set of reminders: self-compassion - yes, still don't pay enough attention to planning my day according to vision and noticing procrastination.

[Privet]

21 hours ago, Privet said:

Damn quote, I can't delete it from mobile version of the site.

•     Nofap: yes, 3 days in, goal - 30 days.
•     Diet: yes, 11 days in, goal - 30 days.
•     No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days.
•     Coping skills: I slept just couple of hours, there was no question should I smoke or not. I tried to smoke consciously though.
•     Meditation. yes, 11 days in, goal - 30 days.
•     Jogging: no opportunity today.
•     Set of reminders: I am about to do self-compassion, other are irrelevant because I am away from home all day.

[Privet]

• Nofap: yes, 4 days in, goal - 30 days. No opportunity to fap today, I have to make 5 days this time.
• Diet: yes, 12 days in, goal - 30 days.
• No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days. I smoked so much today that I am sick of it again. I'm trying to quit it tomorrow. My cravings for smoking don't stop when I smoke because they are not for smoking, they are for any pleasure and are fundamentally not satisfiable.
• Coping skills: no. I will try to hide from coworkers tomorrow and do some deep breaths if I will want to smoke.
• Meditation: yes, 12 days in, goal - 30 days. I'm so exhausted because of the very long busy day that I barely managed to meditate, I moved a lot.
• Jogging: no opportunity today.
• Set of reminders: no, completely ignored everything. I have just set a very stubborn alarm-like reminder and I will spend some attention to all my set of reminders (sounds stupid but what else to do, I wish my phone could slap me in the face and shout "DUDE! THE FUCK YOU CAN'T SPEND COUPLE OF MINUTES FOR THINKING USEFUL THOUGHTS YOU LAZY FUCK!").

[Privet]

• Nofap: yes, 5 days in (reset today), goal - 30 days.
• Diet: yes, 13 days in, goal - 30 days.
• No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days. I tried to do everything I could: deep breathing, negotiating with myself and trying to convince why should I not smoke, but still smoked. Tomorrow I don't work + I reset nofap today so I will try to do anything I can to not smoke tomorrow. There's always a temptation to beat myself and like "oh I failed again" but when I have this temptation I memorize Leo Tolstoy's words "every attempt matters" + someone said "you need just one successful attempt".
• Coping skills: yes, although I also should try procrastinating with smoking and distracting myself with something like drinking a bottle of water.
• Meditation: yes, 13 days in, goal - 30 days.
• Jogging: no opportunity today.
• Set of reminders: I memorized what I intended to do yesterday but I suppose all of what is left in reminders is really useless when I work and I should not beat myself because of that, because I have very inconsistent schedule, it's kind of bunch of part time jobs with lots of weekends, sometimes I work 10-12 hours a day for couple of days. I don't work tomorrow so I set a stubborn reminder again. I guess that's the whole point, to brainwash yourself that it's important until it works that you need no brainwashing anymore.

On 5/29/2018 at 1:33 AM, Privet said:

then I got addicted to her and it ended with a bit of drama from my side. I was having a heavy ego backlash after 6 day nofap streak and honestly told her that I lack communication, but that shit was completely dictated by my texting addiction and a very unreasonable expectations about the amount of messages that I would receive from her

I guess I finally detached, calmed down and digested the situation. My intuition is so deafening that I can't ignore it anymore, if something goes wrong I just feel it in my gut and therefore I think that that decision was right, because this is why I even told her that something is off. Even though it was messy and I hooked a little bit on her and doubted it and shamed myself because of it, still it wasn't pulled out of thin air. Fuck inauthentic half-assed friendships with people who are too afraid to genuinely give a shit.

Edited June 3, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I have identified several mistakes that I keep making lately:

1) I catch materialistic-rationalistic plague from other people and forget that I completely overgrown it. It creates inner conflict because I start to believe that I should be some other way, that I should be doing something else. I deeply sincerely understand that everything is meaningless and being itself is the ultimate meaning, and this is not excuse or avoiding self-development, this is understanding that was derived by deep suffering and this understanding actually is the solution for this suffering.

2) I judge myself for living with parents and not being successful. This is non-sense because: A) I am sure that I am clinically depressed/bipolar/have kundalini awakening or whatever you call it. I objectively can't handle it by myself and it will take probably 1-2 years before I will recover enough to be able to not only handle my food bill. B) I exert as much efforts to recover as I can. C) I have a decent living situation, I have a room and there is one more empty room and my parents honestly don't mind me living with them, this is a great opportunity to be able to not spend time to earn money for unnecessary comfort of living separately and better spend it for learning and practicing.

I have a relative that is an alcoholic and that is stuck in life for almost 30 years. He isn't a hardcore alcoholic, but he doesn't work and just distracts himself with various stuff like TV and so on. I look at him and become scared that I will end up like him. But how the fuck should it happen if: A) he gave up all his efforts, he doesn't believe and understand that there's anything that can be done B) he never was really into growing, he is still hedonistic and he knows no other way, that's why he's stuck C) his nihilism has no end because he is not nearly open-minded enough to understand that spirituality is the answer. I should be careful who I compare myself to.

3) I judge myself for being depressed/neurotic and not being able to work more. This is even bigger non-sense. I can take responsibility for changing my situation for the better, but taking responsibility for my traumatic childhood and genetic predisposition for addictions is just silly. In fact it's one of the symptoms of depression - to feel guilty about the things that don't depend on you.

4) I'm trying to force some plan of becoming successful in my mind instead of embracing uncertainty. It completely exhausts me psychologically because it's not authentic, it doesn't come from my heart/intuition, it comes from my mind because it wants security. Even though I have understood that uncertainty is completely unavoidable when I was quitting university.

All of those mistakes is my old homeostasis of belief system trying to take its last breaths, it feels completely wrong. God bless chaos and uncertainty. Amen.

Here's another insight: I treat achieving enlightenment in the materialistic way. I'm trying to make it my goal/plan/project. Which is untenable. Enlightenment is something necessary, giving up your ego because you've had enough of this foolish non-sense and understand that there's no other way.

Edited June 3, 2018 by Privet