NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

5 hours of do-nothing today. Backlash is solved.

Week agenda: 

1. Nofap: I guess I was wrong about quitting it cold turkey, emotional challenge is too heavy. Although I can say two things: 1) I relapsed with porn for the last two times, I will make a day counter for noporn, I unconsciously justified the use of it again, I need to take this seriously, because the addiction is mostly built around visual stimulation, and I unconsciously thought that I managed nofap and "ok just once" LOL, it's unbelievable how much I bullshit myself again, I also used porn couple times in my previous resets and thought that that's OK. 2) I can extend the streaks to 6 days and reset only one time at the last day. I noticed that last two relapses created some anxiety sensations and laziness.
2. I didn't read the mission statement yesterday and today just out of laziness. And I forgot to apply the LARDCC, I unconsciously disregarded the reminder in my habit tracker. I will keep reporting about the application of LARDCC.

[Privet]

Didn't have internet access for 2 days.

On 09.04.2018 at 0:12 AM, Privet said:

Backlash is solved.

It was temporary, it returned at night and was quite shitty. The next day I spent mostly in the bed, I felt like I'm totally painted into the corner, I couldn't effort and I couldn't give up, like every single inch of my mind is tightly tied. But closer to the evening I felt the drive to sit and meditate again. At first I sat 1 hour, then 3 more in one sit. It was surprisingly good. I practiced thought observation and self-inquiry.

To the end of 3h sit I had almost zero thoughts. At this point I started repeating the word "infinite" in my mind like a mantra and trying to grasp what is the difference when this word sounds and when there is nothing. Eventually I noticed that when I say the word in my mind I have not just the imaginary audio representation of it, but also an imaginary sensation of the movement of tongue and vibrating of the chest, like a full mental model of the actual speaking. When I realized that I was able to hear the word without these imaginary feelings and with, I could differentiate the components of the self, the imaginary "me" that is saying that was deconstructed. When I realized that the sense of self became an experience, like a thought, I could stop this experience like I can do with thoughts, not suppress, but give up/let go, just like thoughts disappear when you notice them this sense of "I" stops. I was fusing with this emptiness that is left when you give up your sense of "I", trying to let go more and more, but then the intense discomfort arose and I stood up from the chair 1 minute earlier than the timer rings.

Today I practiced one hour of self-inquiry in form of thought observation. After this hour I just couldn't stop questioning my design, what am I really? I was so desperate and utterly frustrated because I finally sincerely understand everything that enlightenment is not, there is just a complete disappointment in any possible idea. Every single cell of my body was screaming for the ultimate answer. If nothing is a container for everything then everything and nothing is not different. Otherwise nothing would be something and this something has to be contained, then, again, what is the container? You might think that you are an observer that sees everything but this is just a silly duality. This idea creates the separation of everything versus observation, thus creating "something" in form of observation, then, again, what contains observation and everything else? Where those two take place? Shut the fuck up. I relapsed my nofap and diet today.

[Privet]

I spent the day indulging my addictions. I completely returned to the old homeostasis. It seems that this has happened because of too much meditation during last week, I unconsciously became too excited about it. Also I forgot to mention that I tried shamanic breathing technique yesterday and it most likely contributed to backlash either.

Anyways now I feel that I'm restored and can go on. Tomorrow I will skip the breakfast and eat only after 19:00. I need to clean my system from all the crap that I ate today and yesterday. Also I won't meditate longer than one hour a day for a week or two (I meditated today BTW).

[Privet]

Nofap ok, diet not ok, I ate only after 19.00 but I ate a lot and not a good stuff, I really regret it because it caused an intense weakness.

I had something like a panic attack at night, I guess it's caused by nofap relapse, I had them before at the beginning of this journal.

[Privet]

Diet still sucks. I was fighting with insane cravings today, they're not for food but for anything stimulating, and they are so fucking intense, like all stuff that is addictive has a powerful gravity that my mind is being affected by. I ate a bunch of shit again and felt like shit.

I have to get back on track, I need to cheer myself up again because I'm sick of feeling like crap. Learning happened, yo.

"YES YOU CAN, PRIVET!" - That cheerleader gal (I didn't even have a hug for 3 years, I'm so fucking lonely )

I don't do self-compassion practice. I completely forgot about procrastination problem. Internet addiction is back. Nothing related to vision and motivation work.

Nofap and meditation are good though.

So the agenda for the next week is to stay on track and watch how fulfilling that is, for now I've lost it.

Edited April 14, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

Perfect day.

[Privet]

I have one time job today and tomorrow. No opportunity to relapse anything + I meditated in the morning.

I have a goal for tomorrow: to wake up early, meditate and finish the job earlier to go to nature in the place where I work.

[Privet]

Nothing today. Except that I got very tired on the job and relapsed the diet a little. I woke up early as I wanted.

[Privet]

Two days of work with little sleep gave me another massive backlash. I didn't meditate and journal yesterday. I relapse diet and nofap 3 days in a row. I feel like crap again. I have no idea how am I gonna work a consistent job. I was so depressed today I wanted to crush something.

[Privet]

Back on track with diet and nofap. I've had a very hard time with cravings for food today, I had to force myself to not go and buy some sweet bakery, I could barely sit still. I also meditated 3 hours (1 x 3), two of which I spent witnessing the cravings. It was very satisfying to realize that I managed to sit through cravings until they're not that disturbing anymore.

I still forget to work on procrastination. I perceive reminder as though it's something unimportant and it stays for the whole day without attention. I think the problem is that I unconsciously perceive it as too much work. In order to reduce the amount of work I will reduce "Label, Analyze, Realize, Divide, Conquer, Celebrate" to just "Label" and notice how I procrastinate.

[Privet]

Fuck. I relapsed everything. I spent first half of the day applying coping skills and I still relapsed. I feel totally defeated, the cravings are so powerful. I think it's because of the spring, my hunger is insane.

There was so much relapse during last two weeks, I can't fucking get back on track.

[Privet]

6 days of fappin, I drained myself completely.
It happened just as it happened hundreds of times before. Ego dramatizes everything, "oh, you're so poor, let's get a little high, then we'll stop". It's so damn sneaky, all that self-sabotaging goes almost completely unnoticed. It's remarkable how tricky a justification can be to just avoid pain one more time, despite that it actually only delays and miltiplies pain. Last two times I relapsed because I let myself fantasize, then I got lost in those fantasies and become so unconscious that there was no doubt do I masturbate or not.
I had extremely intense wave of depression today. I can't express it in words, I just spent 30 minutes in bed crying so so so hopelessly.
I should get back to journaling. I can't go deeper in this pain spiral.
Goals for now:
  • To not delay meditation and do it before breakfast
  • Meditate 3 hours a day till Sunday
  • My fungus on the foot is back, probably it's because of shit ton of wheat and sugar that I ate during last 2 weeks. I also noticed a certain flavor of fatigue that feels like it felt before I started the diet. So it's a good motivation to stop eating that crap again. Also I will fast tomorrow as long as I can.
  • To overcome fap cravings, they will be harder since I'm back to old homeostacis for so many days in a row.
  • To not skip journaling.

[Privet]

No any relapse today. Meditated 3 hours.

Forgetfulness is such a problem, really. I still ignore half of my reminders. I look at reminder that reminds about being aware of procrastination and I unconsciously act as though either I already remember it (but in practice I don't) or that it's something unimportant although I defined that it's important. I will remember for tomorrow to look at reminders in the morning and remember that things that they remind of are important and will journal that I did it.

[Privet]

Diet = relapsed.

I had a job interview that I didn't planned and I didn't have an opportunity to eat for a long time so when I was getting back home I bought some unhealthy shit. 

Also it seems that two hours of meditation today gave me a little backlash, although at the second one I felt so peaceful and managed to concentrate very vividly on my breath sensations inside nostrils. 

I spent some time on reminders today. And I will tomorrow.

I intend to get up earler tomorrow to have time to meditate because I have another one time job. No opportunity to finish 3 hour a day endeavor.

[Privet]

The job was postponed by tomorrow by the boss. I spent most of the day in bed in depression/withdrawals/heaviness trying to surrender to it. There's some weird thing happened to me for another time. I was lying in bed aware of the emotional type sensation of impatience in my body, it's kind of mixed with depression/heaviness and it is also connected to the sensation of pressure/energy inside my head, as the pressure moves and changes so do emotions, their intensity and flow. At some point this energy in the head started scoping to the third eye area accompanied by the feeling like something is about to happen, then it suddenly spreads all over my body and I feel some relief and become a little more aware. I have a pet theory that these energetic experiences are related to something aligning in the neuron connections, since our nervous system is like a huge graph. Like a bunch of little magnets would align themselves with the magnet field.

Diet is still off.

I feel like I beat myself too much here, when I write how I relapsed something I feel guilty. Or when I think how I ignored a goal that I set for myself. My discipline sucks big time and I need to accept that and not beat myself for that, because it doesn't serve me at all, it only contributes to more relapse.

The next two days I will stay where I will work. I will meditate before I'm gonna sleep, not in the morning, cause I need to get up early.

Edited April 29, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

It's been 10 days since the last post, jeez.

What happened during these days:

• I got very depressed when I worked, I was working and crying for half a day on the second day of one time job.
• I relapsed smoking at that day and some other days. I didn't smoke for over 1.5 years, but I was a hardcore smoker before.
• I completely ignored the diet.
• Total nofap relapse, I only abstained from masturbation for 1 day. That's what I have mostly been doing during these days, like a heroin addict - all life consumed in addiction.
• Had no internet for several days.
• Skipped two days of meditation because I had literally no opportunity to meditate on the job.

What are my latest thoughts:

• I was seriously considering getting help in form of therapist and medication, Shinzen Young seems to be a reliable guy and in a couple of vids I heard him saying that meds might be necessary for some people. But the problem is that I have no money for therapist, at least in coming month.
• There is a possibility that an opportunity for a summer job will arise in this month. It is located in a tourist area hundreds of miles away from my home, so it requires moving there for the whole summer. I guess that if it will happen I will accept it and try to use this opportunity as an accountability structure to stay clean with my fap addiction because it won't be possible to jerk off for days there. But I have a fear that it won't be possible to meditate regularly. I don't know, I guess I will go there and see if it works and then get back home if it doesn't. I spent almost a year mostly coping with my shitty state, I need some change and I pin my hopes on this job.
• In some late video Leo said that sometimes self development is like 2 steps forward and then 3 steps backward. It really characterizes what happens to me during last weeks. I almost didn't use porn for several months and masturbated mostly when really needed, and now again I am a full time addict. I had some success with the diet and now again I eat a ton of shit every day. Smoking - I thought I will never smoke again. I guess I start to appreciate that fail is an inevitable component of success. And the only thing you can do is to get back on track with your efforts. Like with concentration practice, if you spaced out for several minutes and realized that, just get back to the breath, there's nothing else to do. Every unsuccessful attempt has value and contributes to the last which will be the successful one.
• I still always fall into the destination trap. It's quite annoying and creates an internal conflict. I always crave for some ultimate solution for all problems, that I will get to the place where everything is solved. It will never happen until I die. There will always be some challenge in life, there will always be some thing that needs to be solved and then the other thing will come. It's a never ending process. Why would I turn impermanence into an enemy and hold onto something? Dunno. It just happens.

I have a goal for tomorrow: to spend the day the way that I won't regret it.

I will keep daily journaling.

[Privet]

I broke the misery, but I still overate. Nofap - good, meditation - practiced right in the morning.

22 hours ago, Privet said:

I have a goal for tomorrow: to spend the day the way that I won't regret it.

I guess this is quite a vague goal, but I think by the same vague judgment I accomplished it 50%. I really regret eating sweet crap again, it sucked all my juices right away and I'm still groggy. Although I feel a little more energy because I didn't masturbate.

I was analyzing, why when I worked on my life purpose I had so much energy and now I am so lazy. It seems that at some point I understood that LP won't make me fundamentally happy, then I unconsciously started using this as an excuse to not do almost anything except meditation. I understood that the desire is an ego trap and it's completely impossible to resolve this craving. But instead of completely surrendering my cravings I started using this unconsciously as an excuse for instant gratifications. This is very tricky place because surrendering cravings (enlightenment work) takes vision and vision is craving in it's nature, that's kind of a paradox, you have to crave to do things (meditation) that will stop cravings. You have to have a deep desire to surrender all desires. I don't know why did I stop working on my vision again, I just get stuck over and over again. This seems to be the very important stuff, to fuel my motivation every day, it's so damn easy to forget what the hell are you doing, especially when you get depressed. From this day on I will take my vision work as important as meditation and do it every time after meditation and not do anything if I did't finish it, I'm sick of lack of progress. I will journal about it.

I think my problems with diet and masturbation are related to lack of vision either. Because I don't imagine benefits of abstaining vivid enough and the possibility of instant gratification overweights that vague image of why should I abstain. When I started this journal I was in touch with my vision, I imagined my success, that's why I managed to stay clean for 22 days. Then when I had that nervous breakdown I fooled myself that it won't work/it's too hard and blah-blah-blah. When I managed to stay clean with diet for a month I had a good vision of how I will feel.

Judging by how I was working when I thought that LP will make me happy I really can mobilize myself a lot. But all these events with nofap withdrawals made me believe that I'm weak/depressed/too unhealthy/need lotta rest. I really could already abstain from fap fully and retrain my endocrine system but I bullshit myself that I need more time than I actually need, that I need more comfort than I actually need. It's also easy to think that I have to love myself, to give myself more compassion, but love and indulging your ego is not the same, making yourself going through hell in order to feel better afterwards is a form of love either.

Right now it seems to me as a good idea to have a reasonable and precise short term goal before the job thing is gonna be known:

• Two 7 day nofap streaks, reset with no porn and just 1 quick orgasm
• Daily meditation at least 2 hours a day, at least focusing on relaxation, right after sleep
• Daily vision work after morning meditation
• To not spend money for useless shit
• To plan daily what I am gonna do
• To eat healthy food that I bought

Tomorrow I will post my long term goals. I will copy this message to my phone and read tomorrow to not forget.

[Privet]

Meditation 2 hours, nofap - ok. Parents asked me to help them with some stuff so I had to skip this day with everything else. I didn't have an opportunity to eat good food because I was away from home since I finished meditation. But I used that as an excuse to overeate and I actually could choose a little healthier stuff than I have chosen. BAD-BAD ME!

I postpone the goal list for tomorrow. Rules are still the same.

[ElenaO]

3 hours ago, Privet said:

Meditation 2 hours, nofap - ok. Parents asked me to help them with some stuff so I had to skip this day with everything else. I didn't have an opportunity to eat good food because I was away from home since I finished meditation. But I used that as an excuse to overeate and I actually could choose a little healthier stuff than I have chosen. BAD-BAD ME!

I postpone the goal list for tomorrow. Rules are still the same.

Don't beat yourself up for eating wrong stuff. I myself know too well how easy it is to eat stuff you shouldn't be eating. 

By the way, have you thought of why are you trying to eating a particular way? Is it because of how you feel? Or is it because you are trying to lose weight? Or just because someone told you? Or something else?

[Privet]

17 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Don't beat yourself up for eating wrong stuff.

'BAD-BAD ME!' - I wrote that jokingly, but unfortunately it's impossible to transmit that playful tone through letters.

17 hours ago, ElenaO said:

By the way, have you thought of why are you trying to eating a particular way?

Primarily because I became aware in practice how it makes me feel better, secondarily to lose some pounds.