NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

I didn't even need to use the technique today.

I detected the other problems that are kinda interconnected with procrastination:

• Doing everything in a spacey manner without enough concentration and effort, that leads to too much time for tasks. It's kind of microprocrastination, when you procrastinate before every little move, space out etc.
• Quickly switching to random activities. Especially when I have done everything from the category of "must" today, I just do random shit and sometimes don't even finish the stuff that I enjoy.

The remedy for the first one is effort and awareness. For the second one - planning. I will report about the results.

[Privet]

I didn't procrastinate with meditation and job search. But the second part of the day was bad and I spent it coping with first manic hyperactivity then depression. That's clearly because I didn't sleep 8 hours.

[Privet]

I relapsed my diet horribly again. This is the second time this week, that's a sign that I need to include that in the weekly check. I will keep track of it.

[Privet]

Good sleep and fasting made me feel much better again. I made this day rest-day and planned nothing.

[Privet]

I meditated 2 hours. I managed to concentrate despite that I'm spaced out as fuck. What was really helpful to count 100 breaths, that stabilizes the attention.

I relapsed the diet again because of stress. That's the third time this week. It's getting harder to abstain. I think it's because of the season change, libido is increasing, energy is increasing, emotional traumas and addictions get fueled by this either.

Weekly analysis:

• Procrastination before meditation and looking for job - good, definitely better than the week before. Although I wasn't really implementing the technique and this is what I will do the next week, I just still don't take it seriously enough, in order to accomplish that I will try to plan a bit more and remind myself to use it.
• I judge myself because of the diet, I guess it will take some emotional labor to stay on track this week, I will report precisely every day how it goes.
• Nofap - good, but I guess I will have to reset it tomorrow (day 5).

[Privet]

I woke up with an unconscious and very intense craving. I relapsed nofap multiple times (also one time yesterday after the last post), I relapsed the diet as hard as I didn't relapse it for weeks, I was eating deserts until I got tired and had to digest the crap for an hour in the bed before I could do something. None of that helped with the craving, I still want to stuff myself with something. I spend the day doing random stuff chaotically (mostly internet surfing) except for meditation. It's done and there's no way back, no point to regret it because it won't change shit. But there's a point to learn from that and the lesson is that if you think "I can't abstain from X" you are hooked, WAKE UP, no one makes you go and do the X, and the X is not gonna help with the craving, it will only make another portion of the damage of some sort.

I learned a yoga posture and tried to hold it several times. It gives plausible sensations and grounds you because it takes focus to hold it right. I will practice yoga 30 min every day now formally before meditation. Meditation alone is very slow tool for emotional healing.

I didn't use planning, anti-procrastination technique and focusing on the tasks today. I will do that tomorrow right after breakfast.

[Privet]

Everything is ok today except for procrastination.

I couldn't concentrate today at all and after an hour of concentration I had to do do-nothing and release a little bit the tension that I have in my body. After that I cried hopelessly in bed because of the depression that arose. I can't be here and now at all today.

I did some productive stuff today and it helped me to ground myself a little bit.

Edited March 27, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

My impatience is incredible, I don't know what to do with it, it scatters my attention heavily, and sometimes it turns into depression, maybe that's a Kundalini Syndrome but I don't know, I just feel like there is tension in my head and it travels and changes.

Other than that everything is ok, I didn't procrastinate today and finished what I planned.

[Privet]

I slept zero hours at night and then relapsed everything, then slept.

I didn't meditate or look for job, I spent some money for an unnecessary food.

I realized that I have no vision.

I realized that I half-ass the job search, enlightenment and self-development work.

I realized that I'm running from the pain of effort.

I realized that I created the victim identity that I identify with.

I realized that I take very little responsibility for my life.

I realized that I chase comfort that makes me stuck.

I realized that I think I know to much and achieved something.

I realized that I have no goals.

I realized that I'm an arrogant fuck.

I forgot that I'm not immortal.

I realized that my life isn't charged enough.

God fucking dammit how the fuck could I bullshit myself so much again.

Tomorrow I will get up, meditate, proceed a goal that I came up with for my job search and then spend the rest of the day working on the stuff that I realized.

Also, I will skip the breakfast.

Edited March 30, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I did everything. I worked on my Mission Statement and almost finished the first rough version, I will add a motivation habit in my habit tracker and do it every day after meditation.

[moon777light]

dammnn i just read everything from day one to today, this is intense man. your releasing major trapped emotions, holy crap! good job

[Privet]

@moon777light Heyyy, thank you This winter was indeed harsh

[Privet]

I did yoga and meditation in the morning. I woke up with an intense unconscious force of attention scatter, I had a bunch of incomplete chaotic thoughts and felt totally confused, it took me over an hour in bed to get relatively conscious. I still was too confused to practice concentration and I watched the energy block in my head (tension) instead. It eventually lost a lot of it's power and spread all over my body and became impatience.

Very similar stuff a guy posted here, experience that happens to me looks exactly like his description, shaking, bending etc. I tried to do exposure to cold in the bath today (water t. probably around 5C). First time I managed to stay underwater for only around 10 seconds then violently got up, during the second immersion I tried to relax, first 10 seconds were hell and I was just freaking out inside my head and breathing like I'm having an orgasm, then I relaxed and felt very peaceful for another 10 seconds, but when those last ten seconds were over I stood up violently again because I felt like my legs got so numb that they are about to shake in seizure. I felt some relief, but it lasted only 10 minutes and wasn't too drastic, because the exposure wasn't intense enough. I wish I could keep practicing and improving that (it's a bunch of fun, for sure) but it clearly awakened my rapid urination problem that I had when I fapped a lot and I have to stop.

I relapsed my diet today, heavily again. No problem! I mean, really, I have to stop beating myself for relapses and even love myself, fail is inevitable, and it's a sign that I work on myself and learn how to not relapse. Period.

Nofap ok (day 2).

I had a scandal with my stepfather again, he has shown some good will which was a trap and just an another masked insecurity, dammit, I really reacted again, he clearly doesn't deserve a second chance. Although it helped me to release a portion of an energy block when the situation was over, it made me aware of the anger underneath then I managed to release it.

I didn't work on my vision today, there was too much of everything, but tomorrow I will, I have some interesting ideas.

[Privet]

I relapsed nofap as hard as it was before the day one of this journal. I was very fatigued all day long and struggled with libido, I spend most of my day in bed. Relapse made me even more fatigued. I just avoid the emotional labor and run away from the sensation of fatigue, it's so sneaky and hard to notice and surrender.

I didn't meditate today but I ate healthy. I will try to get back on track with everything tomorrow and finish my vision. Also I will try to quit fappin for good, I'm avoiding the pain of withdrawals and bullshiting myself that I need to fap occasionally.

[Privet]

My habits are good today but I spent the day doing stuff unconsciously. I haven't done anything productive. Fatigue is still present and it's actually the reason why I haven't done anything, it's scattering me that I can't even come up with a plan of what to do. Although I understood that I need to spend more time getting conscious several times a day, just stopping and do nothing for several minutes.

I feel like I felt in the middle of the first nofap streak of this journal, weird.

I will try to emphasize planning tomorrow to have an idea how will I spend the day, and use anti-procrastination technique, I didn't even memorize it today.

I changed the meditation technique and meditate on a chosen negative emotion, it seems to work better.

Edited April 3, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

The crap is still scattering me. I was surfing the internet on the phone before I got out of bed for couple of hours, I meditated only after the breakfast. I've just realized I judge myself for this and focus on bad.

So what's good about today? I didn't relapse diet and nofap. I meditated two times. I exercised. Several months ago I couldn't do even that most of the time.

I tried focusing on the energy block, then, in the second sit, I concentrated, and I feel like concentration works way better. I just can't keep track of the tension in my body consistently, because it changes a lot and moves. Emotions either. But breath stays the same and it's easy to spot if you are distracted from it.

I have a habit of thinking that everything is shit and nothing works, that I need to get somewhere where everything is perfect. But there is really no destination. There will always be some problem that needs to be resolved. And the problem is that I like to make problems. I judge circumstances, but they are not under my control, all I can do is respond to the best of my ability. There is really no point to fight any situation. Everything is exactly as it has to be.

I forgot to write the week agenda: I relapsed a lot last week, but this week meditation, nofap and diet are getting better, I aim to keep that. My work on procrastination is off, I will keep reporting about that. 

[Privet]

Fuck. I guess I just didn't notice how much my internet addiction worsened again. I spent most of the day mindlessly lurking. I will add a reminder for tomorrow morning to only use internet for this journal.

Other habits are ok.

[Privet]

Didn't use the internet until now and have done what was postponing for weeks. Will keep that.

Although I didn't memorize about the anti-procrastination technique again. Which means that my doing was quite mindless.

[Privet]

I meditated 5 hours and spend the day exactly like I planned. I used the LARDCC technique today to make myself meditate. Visualization of the result is the shit.

[Privet]

On 4/6/2018 at 10:18 PM, Privet said:

meditated 5 hours

And got an ego backlash. Cried in depression yesterday before sleep and couldn't meditate more than one hour today. On the second sit I just jumped (literally) from the chair because of another wave of intense anger and felt like I'm about to break the fucking chair against the wall. Also relapsed the diet and nofap (day 6).

Edited April 7, 2018 by Privet