NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

I've been struggling with severe depression all day. I've got cold. I relapsed nofap again, two times, with porn. I don't feel like it made things worse though. But it doesn't mean I will get back to masturbation, that was just self-pity because I didn't meditated 4 days and lost in my mind. I didn't eat until evening and diet is ok.

I meditated on depression and it settled a lot, it settled even more after some social interaction. But before that I was so damn hopeless and noticed that hey dude you're deluded with emotions the world is not ending, go fucking meditate.

I still ignore the self-love practice. I think it's due to procrastination mechanism, I imagine the task bigger than it is, but actually it's just 15 minutes while the rice is boiling in the morning. I will try that again.

I downloaded the MindBell app and will set it to 30 minutes to remind me about relaxation. I feel like no meditation for 4 days decreased my ability to relax.

Next week is is going to be about a job search (or getting it - I'm waiting for results of the last interview which was terrible unfortunately, the interviewer was an ass and I was very nervous).

[Privet]

Depression is still fucks me up, been thinking about suicide all day until recently, it passed while I was distracting myself with reading articles on Wikipedia.

Meditation, nofap, diet, self-love - all good.

[Privet]

I woke up depressed and ate nothing today. It reduced depression. I feel like my cold and depression are interconnected somehow. I haven't been depressed that way for a long time before I got sick, even on nofap worst withdrawals. I think I will try to not eat for 2 days, I'm curious about the result.

Also I noticed for the second time that when I briefly pour hot water on my head in the shower it makes me feel a little bit better, a sense of relief. Probably it expands vessels and makes some change. Also I've read that heating your whole body can help with depression.

I did meditation in bed today, and feel like it was right decision because otherwise it would be torture in my present state.

I analized my recent relapses with nofap and diet and goddamit why did I not use coping skills like breathing exercises or something. It would almost certainly help, but I simply forgot that. And I need to use those in challenging situations or after them when I'm very emotional. Just writing this to remind myself.

[Privet]

I practiced one hour of concentration today, as an object of concentration I have chosen the sensation of expansion and contraction of my lungs including pauses. It worked well first 45 minutes but last 15 minutes I had to concentrate on the sensation of impatience that arose because of the effort.

I thought today that practicing meditation right after sleep again is a good idea. I will report about that in my coming posts.

I think I can't avoid concentration practice anymore, my focusing abilities desperately need to be improved. I will practice concentration everyday and if this will cause very very intense emotions like crying or intense anger I will switch to practicing self-compassion right away.  Sensations of expansion and contraction of my lungs seem to be a good object of concentration, it's not too big or too small.

[Privet]

Morning meditation was good!

[Privet]

I almost switched the technique when I practiced today morning because it's day 5 of nofap and it's hard to concentrate but then I'm like "hey, you're not crying, not depressed, not about to faint, it's JUST hard to concentrate, keep going!", I thought that this session will be fucked up but after overcoming this barrier of laziness it actually turned out to be better that yesterday's one. Relaxation is VERY important in concentration. You don't wanna concentrate and contract and tense like you are holding the diarrhea inside. Attention doesn't require any physical effort.

I find it convenient to concentrate on the swinging-bending sensation that appears when you breathe, it's felt mostly in your head, because it swings the most. When you inhale your stomach moves forth and your head moves back and vice versa, pauses feel like weightlessness point at the top of your trajectory when you swing on a swing.

My diet is very healthy. I plan to not fap for one more day. I do the self-compassion practice, also I mix it with forgiveness, I imagine my enemies, pick the negative emotion that their image evokes and let go of it, being mad at people is like eating crappy food that makes you feel shitty.

 

Edited March 9, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

It seems that sunflower oil is the most unhealthy thing that I eat, I consume 2-5 tablespoons a day, and apparently because of that my acne doesn't go away. The cheapest substitute in my area is flax oil which costs 3-4 times more.

I couldn't fall asleep and masturbated yesterday (5 days).

I tried to do self-compassion today but I couldn't trigger the love-feeling despite all efforts.

One thing I like lately is that I almost completely detached from any success image that I had, and those were really neurotic "I HAVE TO DO THAT OR I WASTE MY LIFE I HAVE TO I HAVE TO I HAVE TO FASTER FASTER" images, I really don't know what my success should look like anymore, but I do know that I have to look for ways to enjoy my life more.

Spring fever is a bit worse today, but it is felt more like a flu, not mania.

Edited March 10, 2018 by Privet

[Jamie Universe]

Hi @Privet 

 

Have you tried do-nothing? It seems like your journey so far has been very traumatic, I'm sort of just curious if you've done it and found it to work, or not work. 

[Privet]

@Jamie Universe Hey, yes I use do-nothing if efforting approach doesn't work. And it usually solves the problem.

I find this technique effective when your mind is so racey that any effort is becoming just neurotic contraction. Or when you are so sick of effort that you just spin your wheels. Although in my experience in do-nothing less then one hour long sessions don't work. You can reach a peace of mind if you will focus for 30 minutes, but do-nothing - very rarely. Your mind needs time to speak out enough to get tired of it and calm down naturally.

Edited March 10, 2018 by Privet

[Jamie Universe]

Cool Thanks!

[Privet]

My concentration sucks today. I could barely choose stuff when I was in a grocery store and when people start to talk to me I delay because I can barely understand what they have just said. I tried to be mindful all day and made a good effort but still I'm fucking spaced out and racey.

Last week: I've been waiting for the call from the last interview but they didn't call. I found unreasonable justification and procrastinated with searching for other job ads. I don't wanna beat myself because there is no use in that. 

Next week: Procrastination is one of the strongest habits that I have. I use very unproductive language when I think about accomplishing some task. "I have to and I don't wanna" is an obstacle thought that I think when it comes to productive action, imagining suffering of the process of doing is another unproductive part of how I go about doing something. Here is the list of things I wrote out from one of the Leo's videos on procrastination:

• The most curative thing for procrastination is action, because it actually reduces the butthurt
• Let yourself feel the resistance that comes before action, don't resist to resistance, just feel it
• Substitute "should/must/have to do" for "could/want/choose to do"
• Look for what can cause any possible excitement in the action that you procrastinate on
• Use visualization technique, imagine how you proceed the task in the future
• Rise awareness around procrastination, procrastinate mindfully
• Take little insignificant steps when you intend to do something big

I will write every day about procrastination, of what I wanted to do and how did I go about it. The purpose is not to get shit done no matter what but to change the unproductive thought process. I aim to be mindful of how I delay stuff and why, or why do I suffer so much when I do them.

Concentration, diet, nofap, self-compassion - all good, habit tracker app + notifications don't let me miss any of that.

[Privet]

I was away from home all day. I don't have much to write today.

[Privet]

I procrastinated with concentration and started only in the middle of the day. I looked for jobs but didn't do the calls because it was too late, but I saved them and will call tomorrow.

What was stopping me from executing my tasks today:

• Meditation: I wake up very ADDful and uncoscious, this time I grabbed the phone and stayed in bed with it, I rarely do that lately but it just happened, when I procrastinated for couple hours I thought that I need to eat first and cooked and ate the breakfast.
• Job search: I went for shopping after the meditation and looked for jobs only after that. It was too late to do the calls.

How do I prevent that:

• Meditation: I don't mind to stay in bed for half an hour because I feel less sleepy if I wake up gradually, but if I grab my phone it worsens my unconsciousness and increases chances for bad decisions when I get up from bed. I will remember that and place a note on my phone (I keep it on the table). I also need to remember to relax when I wake up, because I wake up tensed.
• Job search: honestly, I just don't take it seriously enough, priorities stuff. I unconsciously treat it like a burden and then do anything to avoid that and make an unfair justifications to do something instead. I could do the shopping that I did today the other day. I aim to do the calls tomorrow right after the breakfast and look for other jobs right away if I have no success with the picked numbers. I like the survival idea that Leo promotes and regarding it I'm just sucking on my relatives' tit right now. Why do I want to change that? Because I depend on them and want to grow my autonomy, and this is the first step. Because I want to recover from the social withdrawal that appeared while I was fighting my addictions.

I will rewrite the key points of Leo's procrastination video and add some other (Feynman method):

• When you avoid execution of something it makes you tensed. If you will do the task it will relief that feeling. Whenever you feel shitty and procrastinate just remember that action will make you feel better.
• Notice the resistance when you procrastinate. Just noting the feeling and allowing it to be makes it weaker.
• You are not the victim of the task. There is nothing you have to do, you can avoid anything, but this is very painful and boring way to live life.
• Any task is an opportunity to gain your consciousness and meditate. Any task can have something fascinating and exciting and fun to do.
• Label procrastination. Notice, that you are delaying something at a given moment.
• No matter how big the task is it always consists of the smaller actions. Even just thinking what is the next little step towards the goal is big enough step to take.
• Label fear of failure or imperfection. If something is done on the third try it is way better than not done at all.
• Savor satisfaction every time you have finished something, then use the memory of this feeling when you procrastinate to motivate yourself.

Edited March 13, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I relapsed diet, cause - nofap day 5 and depression, I tried exercises and breathing exercises, it helped with depression but cravings still were too hard. I slip off a little here or there with the diet and I should emphasize my attention on that more.

I fapped with porn because I didn't really want to without, only to get rid of withdrawal, because I have a job interview tomorrow and I need to fall asleep.

Procrastination - ok, I used what I wrote yesterday and it helped.

[Privet]

I woke up early, procrastinated with meditation for couple of hours because I was very very sleepy. Although the day was good and I did a lot of stuff for a job that my fellow offered me, but it's not clear yet if I will get it or not, it will be clear after the weekend.

I still need to check for jobs until I get that one for sure, incase I will find something better. I will do that tomorrow.

[Privet]

I almost did not procrastinate today. Very good.

Edited March 16, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

Spring kicked in completely, I'm doing life purpose stuff out of pure motivation. So sweet. Procrastination - ok, I want to build a couple of habits related to that, I will describe them tomorrow.

Some insights related to my concentration practice:

1) Breath is not "somewhere there in your chest", it's "right here in your chest"! There's no need to "reach out" your breath with effort, it's just right here always.

2) Brute force is not gonna work well. It may make you concentrated but also it makes you neurotic which will create a negative reinforcement and you will hate concentration. I try to relax and concentrate simultaneously. Diligence and patience are the key, just get back to breath over and over again.

3) Antidotes to getting mad because you can't concentrate: you expect to become a zen master in one sit, realize that 30 sits with 1 point of progress give 30 points of progress and celebrate this little change every time; notice that you are pissed off and notice that you are distracted from the breath and get back.

[Privet]

I memorized about the journal yesterday when it was too late.

I made self-compassion practice work to a degree that now I have motivation to do that, any time I get triggered I practice it. For example today I decided to concentrate for 45 more minutes when I was tired and hungry and it's nofap day 5 and all that triggered depression, after the concentration session while my food was cooking I practiced 20 minutes of self-compassion and it almost completely reduced depression. I now clearly see that what I thought to be the tension that nofap creates is actually my emotional traumas stored in the body triggered by sexual energy, I can often minimize this tension with crying or just triggering self-compassion feeling.

Another interesting thing I try to implement is that I stay in bed for around one hour and do self-compassion and relaxation techniques while I'm sleepy. It makes me get up from bed in a good mood and calm mind, it reduces the amount of tension and compulsiveness of mind that I awaken with.

Last week: I managed to reduce the amount of procrastination before morning meditation, I practice before I even have breakfast.

Next week: I want to keep working on my procrastination. I added a reminder in my habit tracker and called it "Label, Analyze, Realize, Divide, Conquer, Celebrate", it will remind me what to do when I procrastinate, I will use the strategy and journal what's going on until it will become an autopilot.

• Label the resistance to perform the task
• Analyze why you have that resistance
• Realize why you want to do that
• Divide the task into smallest pieces
• Conquer these pieces
• Celebrate what a productive fucker you are

[Privet]

I had to decline the job that my fellow offered. We stumbled upon an irresolvable conflict of interests.

I slept just 3 hours and didn't fap for 6 days. I relapsed my diet very heavily and cried several times today. Before I started writing this post I spent 20 minutes crying and hugging myself under the blanket trying to cry out as much as I can and giving myself compassion. And it worked! I'm still not okay but definitely not depressed.

I applied my LARDCC sequence to procrastination before meditation and it gave me relief. The objective is not to do shit whatever it takes, the objective is to retrain myself and get rid of the contraction and resistance that appears before the doing.

I pondered why is this contraction even happening and came to a conclusion that the reason of procrastination is the fact that the activity doesn't give you instant gratification or gives no gratification. The remedy is vivid vision and understanding why do you wanna do something. Our mind is evolutionarily built to be lazy to do things that don't work. The more gradual the stuff is the lazier your mind is, because it sees no progress. In case of meditation you need to learn how to honor those several minutes of concentrated state that you get in one hour of practice, and learn to expect just a little bit of improvement. This won't create a conflict of trying to become a zen master in one sit.

I'm getting back to the diet and the job search tomorrow. I had a very bad day today emotionally. I just need to get back, back on track.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I got back on track. I reset my nofap today, it's day 7 and it was heavy, I couldn't do shit the second half of the day despite that I woke up early and slept enough. I think 7 is a bit hard at the moment and I will keep 5-day streaks but if it works I will hold longer.

I applied the technique and procrastination didn't happen today.

I meditated 1h x 2. The second one made me tired and numb. But the morning one was very good, my concentration practice looks promising.