NOT DEAD YET!

[Milos Uzelac]

28 minutes ago, Privet said:

I've got some insane brain fog when I was trying to fall asleep yesterday and insomnia, I couldn't even concentrate at anything at all, not even present moment. Seems like some hormone rollback, but I'm not sure.

It also affected today, I have been postponing meditation until evening and just spent whole day in entertainment.

Also I have nervous laughter again.

I listened to a part of Shinzen's "Science of Enlightenment" and found there an interesting object of concentration - the sense of relaxation. When you concentrate on it there a feedback loop appears, the more you concentrate on it the more you relax, the more you relax the more you get involved in that. I tried to practice this way today, and the beginning it kinda worked but evenrually I became aware of the brain fog and it's so intense that it makes it easier to concentrate on it rather than relaxation sensation.

I guess if you are so fucked that you can't concentrate whatsoever you should choose a larger object like present moment, whole body, depression etc.

Hey I read your journal and I was thinking the same thing now that you stated at the start, the support structure of this forum is relevant for you to keep meditating and stop backsliding. I see it is useful also for me to start a journal again after I previously gave up and be more passionate about it and dedicate myself to write sentences and thoughts that will help me review my state and release thoughts out. and I am in almost the same position as you are struggling with fap addiction and porn craving, and backsliding to it and I also as well sometimes have insomnia and go on spending nights watching content on my phone. The reason I wrote this is that I noticed that I had the same pattern of trying to do SDS as way to end these addictions and I changed tactic from that to just do witnessing meditation more with less time and to try to find gaps where there is awareness not so much try to end my addictions with it. SDS makes you more tolerant to the mind and is  a method of detoxing and becoming more aware but from my experience I think it cant be so useful if its done to much and if its the only technique.

My advice is that you start doing witnessing meditation more and try after some time of that practice the letting go technique this is my strategy of trying to gradually shift form addictions and not try to brute force it so much about ending them by spending a lot of time meditating in terms of quantity. The SDS I feel is very useful but in measured and reasonable quantities. Monks do them regularly during the day but they have a support system that allows them to do so and they dedicate usually almost entirely to it (they do mindful manual work etc but we have to do also a lot of technological,bureaucratic, and intellectual during the day and interact with people you dont have a closed and separated corner in which you can only meditate during that is unless you go to retreats or buy off a weekend to do so). Witnessing is powerful in terms of curiosity and it can be done a lot in a single sit or it can be split during the day and done even when you do everyday chores (though that requires diligence, practice and awareness). What helped me a lot in my meditation practice is the subject/object distinction and awareness waiting and focusing check that out at Wikipedia about Buddhist practices and Buddha Wiki-quotes if you havent I think that can be an eyeopener and a meditation boost. Check this Leos videos out I recently re-watched it and started using it as my blueprint for meditating and I think it is optimal for a sense of direction when you start meditating.

By no means am I not free of your troubles I cling to them as well but I wanted to try a new strategy and to stop SDS  for this period (unless I separate time when I am alone to just do it for one weekend retreat of your own at your house, that could have amazing results) and start to see where this method is going to take me. I hope this advice helps I have written this out of the intention to share my pitfall that I have been stuck on to quantity too much and that I have to shift methods in order to get everyday results in my happiness and habits. Wish you and me  the best in overcoming addictions and to start living more freely and passionately with a new sense of direction and new opportunities.

P.S. Love the life moto: NOT DEAD YET!

[Privet]

13 hours ago, Milos Uzelac said:

My advice is that you start doing witnessing meditation more and try after some time of that practice the letting go technique this is my strategy of trying to gradually shift form addictions and not try to brute force it so much about ending them by spending a lot of time meditating in terms of quantity.

I did hundreds of 1.5h sits in 2017 and it's not causing too much discomfort anymore, I find it a perfect duration at my current skill level, 1h is where the sugar appears and 2h is a little too much. I don't really chase numbers exept for "at least 90 minutes a day", those 6-4 hours a day I did just for fun because I felt like it and because it works. 

When I sit and start practicing I first relax, then I become aware of my state and try to find the best object of concentration, the most bright feeling. Right now most of the time it's the sense of heaviness that is a result of nofap. If I feel blurry and foggy I force myself to concentrate very extensively on the sensations inside my nostrils, resistance and numbness arises and it becomes my new object of concentration. The reason of brain fog is that this tension/resistance/impatience/numbness is scattering your attention and make you blurry because it stays on the background of your consciousness, when you force yourself to concentrate it becomes obvious and you can start to focus on that, so you need to track "brain-fog-feeling" before you can make an object/subject distinction.

If I feel depressed or angry I concentrate on that too, trying to percieve it in great detail.

14 hours ago, Milos Uzelac said:

I see it is useful also for me to start a journal again after I previously gave up and be more passionate about it and dedicate myself to write sentences and thoughts that will help me review my state and release thoughts out.

Go ahead! Don't just think that you need to quit (and then forget it next day), make a tangible intention, I hung up a calendar on my wall on the most visible spot and mark days each time when I meditate or finish a day with no relapse. Good luck!  

Thanks for reading me. 

[Privet]

SDS and nofap done.

I felt so alive today, everything seems so vibrant and beautiful. That's my brain getting back to normal after years of addiction.

[Privet]

SDS and Nofap ok.

[Privet]

Nofap ok. SDS 3hrs.

Tomorrow I will probably lack good sleep so I gotta be careful not to relapse because being tired increases the probability of it. I'm getting a little bit used to withdrawals but they still make me very unconscious at times. I have to do 20-40 minutes of breathing exercises 2-4 times a day to bring myself back to earth.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

In the morning 1.5h I concentrated very diligently on my depression and then I was trying to concentrate on the present moment whole day and it made me very restless by the evening, especially after attentively reading a book.

Then I did 1.5 hours of do-nothing. That shit was impressive! I was laughing nervously, cried, made stupid faces, spontaneously dropped into whispering mantra loop made of distorted sounds of last thought, then that mantra became simpler (some parts were reduced) and eventually I became very quiet and alert.

Monkey mind is not a metaphor, it's fucking real!

[Privet]

I did not masturbate, watch porn or fantasize about sex for 21 days despite that I usually did it several times a day for years (with some exceptions).

My hormones are killing me. I am restless, spaced out, angry, depressed, agitated, unsatisfied, dumb. I could barely sit 1.5 hours today. I did breathing exercises several times, physical exercises, I was beating the rope in the middle of the room to relief anger and tension, I was sitting and rocking, beating one palm by another to get rid of craving for masturbation.

I'm fucked. I am fucked. Fucked I am. Fucked. Fucked. Fuck. Fucked. I am fucked. Fucked. Fucking fucked. Fucked am I. Am I fucked. Yes. I am fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked.

[Privet]

I suspect that this restlessness is not nofap consequence but rather first signs of spring fever. We are 20 days away from the longest night in the year. Will see how it goes.

[Alex K]

@Privet Zdorovo! I'm from Russia too) I've read your journal and it is very inspiring, your self work is so serious!

My understanding was that you just try to keep your focus on something during mindfullness, there should be no forcing or effort (in other words, no constant willpower applied to control ones mind) - so once you notice you are scattered or distracted, you just gently put your focus back to the target. Am I wrong?

Can you please outline what was your progress in terms of going from 0 meditation to multiples of 1.5h SDS and mindfullness - I myself do at least 2x30m "Do Nothing" a day and slack off on weekends as I do those on trains to work. I want to start with mindfullness.

Also how old are you?

Thanks!

 

Edited January 11, 2018 by Alex K

[Privet]

@Alex K

Privet! Thank you!

What you describe is called concentration, training the stability of attention. It's just a part of mindfulness. And it takes effort unless you are very advanced (not forcing though).

Mindfulness is translated into russian as "осознанность", so it's fairly broad term as you can see. The main technique is called labeling (google Shinzen Young, he's developer of that). I guess in this video Leo explains the essense of it.

Regarding the progress: I started concentration practice out of curiousity in 2014 and didn't have a regular habit, but one day I tried to concentrate for one hour as hard as I can and had very plausible experience of empty mind that shocked me. Since that moment I tried to recreate that state (only by concentration, didn't know other techniques) for 2 years, sometimes sitting up to 11 hours, but still didn't have any consistency. I started regular practice only 1.5 years ago from 1h a day and then 1.5h after couple of months, and still I had some gaps during this year, especially this fall, I was very depressed and miserable.

I'm 23.

 

Edited January 11, 2018 by Privet

[Privet]

I was planning conscious relapse (no porn, no fantasies, just fast ejaculation) and write that I will do it because I layed in my bed and thought that my state is too crazy and unbearable. Then my relative called, it distracted me a little and I sat another 1.5h and it worked, state significantly improved.

Shit is temporary, don't believe your silly ego.

I commit to make this journal my accountability partner, I will tell him if I decide to relapse consciously if the state will turn into very unbearable (it seems quite possible, I'm a little afraid of sudden uncontrollable rage attacks if someone triggers me when I'm unaware of the situation around me) and keep myself away from porn or further masturbation.

[Privet]

I couldn't fall asleep until 7 in the morning, I lay in bed after last post and practiced mindfulness for several hours on all what was causing suffering. Then I got up and sat another 1.5h. I thought I won't sleep but I went to bed at 10 because it was hell.

I woke up with headache and immediately thought about porn and was about to "fuck it all". Then "ok, coping skills first". I took ice cold shower and did 20 minutes of breathing exercises. Craving for porn and pleasure and headeache are gone. I am fairly conscious and don't feel like "fuck it", but last three days consist mostly of coping skills and I can't do shit, can't even read a book for an hour without anger, I am at the brink of nervous laughter almost constantly for 2 days, so I will consciously relapse.

No porn, no fantasy, no clinging to pleasure. As fast as possible but three times in a row, cause one won't do shit.

Also I will try to be very conscious and get back to coping skills right after that, because my body will crave for more.

Fuuuuuuuck...

[Akim]

Hey, I don't know you, so sorry if I am wrong. May be I am too cautious, but things can spiral into bad direction based on my personal experience, so here is my suggestion.

Guard your sleep cycles, use medications if you must. If you can't sleep it signals dis-regulation in hormonal / neurotransmitter systems, too much excitement / dopamine or something like it. To restore just force quit any exciting stimulation, not just porn, which is especially bad at releasing dopamine, but other stimulation as well. Instead try to find something that calms and engages you, go out, talk to people. Go to a park, talk with friends, relatives or someone about something boring, draw, do something crafty, clean your room or something like it. May be calm video game, but I am not sure about it. Or solve some tangible problem of yours. I would also suggest quit meditation for a while and reorient yourself to the outer world instead of yourself.

Again, may be I am wrong, judge what is most solid and sober thing to do for yourself.

[Privet]

@Akim You nailed it.

I consciously relapsed, did breathing exercises and meditated 1.5 hours. Then I went to my parent's house. They started to criticise me, I was sitting, listening silently and all of a sudden burst out laughing and crying hysterically, I could barely stop. The thing that I feared the most have happened.

It hapened partially because of SDS and partially because when I relapse after a long streak I experience very strong emotions, it's some hormone release, intense anger and sadness simultaneously. Last streak of 17 days brought the same emotional release, but there was noone to trigger me and it passed the next day. I didn't take that into account when I went to my parents home.

You were right, I wasn't careful enough. I will quit SDS until it gets better and will do handy stuff and go outside for the whole weekend. 

What personal experience did you have? Could you tell more? Thanks for your advice!

[Akim]

I got into first manic and then depressive state. It was long and created a lot of suffering and delusional thoughts. At the peak I felt like I did cure my inner psychological problems finally, felt light, capable, ready to really take on the world. I can do this, that and that. I learn new things, experiment, quickly go from one thing to another. At nights I can't sleep because I am too excited because I feel very free and see tons of possibilities. But people start to notice that something is off and I feel that something is very wrong, I become exhausted. Some time later I finally restore my sleep with a lot of pills. And after some rest, and realization how delusional and unhealthy my state was, I got into depression, just can't stop negative emotions, they are excruciating. What triggered me was probably free time, experiments with spiritual techniques and romantic love. That girl started to avoid me, which did not help my emotional situation. I think free time, when you are alone if you don't ground yourself in something, like work or other responsibilities can act like a slow weak version of sensory deprivation and trigger brain to make up problems and a world not entangled enough in common human reality so to speak.

[Privet]

@Akim
Thanks. Very similar to my situation.

Couple months ago I reached the point where I can't do anything but coping with the consequences of exhaustion.

[Privet]

@Akim

Was it hard to get off sleeping pills? What was your experience with them?

My efforts with sleep don't get results for several years. I'm considering to buy ones.

[Privet]

I couldn't sleep again and was even more restless than yesterday, I felt like I'm about to hallucinate. I masturbated more and it made my state better but not much.

The moral of the story: don't fuck with homeostasis.

I'm too addicted to go for such a long streak and my endocrine system backfired on me. SDS multiplied the effect.

I guess I will spend this weekend in bed.

[Akim]

10 hours ago, Privet said:

Was it hard to get off sleeping pills? What was your experience with them?

I don't know if my response is unique, but when I was in the manic stage they have rather small effect, but I get more rest and sleep through the night. At some point exhaustion, more healthy behavior and pills kick in and I go in the opposite direction. Then I don't actually need them, but have low energy and everything is negative instead of positive. Over time I learned not to escalate the situation, some tricks for what behavior calms me, like I mention with talking to people, doing something external, quitting self absorption, like forcing myself to pay attention to things. Also regular job or other commitments helps, kind of forces on you day regimen and healthy stress.

[Akim]

Some more tricks that work for me.

If I can't sleep in the middle of the night, I get up take some Valerian herb, eat food with a lot of proteins and fat, which I guest signals the organism that it got the necessary life job done for time and relaxes it, sit some time out of bed and go to bed but lay in the opposite direction, I guest it kind of switches the context or something, it usually helps.