Depression & Dealing With Extreme Loss Of Motivation

[Shir]

Hey everyone ! and to any kind souls reading this right now...

Before I write anything right now, I would like to thank Leo and the existence of this forum, as I believe and am sure it has helped many people along the way. I pray this might help me to too and truth me told, the only reason I thought of writing this post today was out of pure inspiration and insight, remembering the existence of this forum!

To try and keep things as concise as I can, and for reference sake - I'm a lady in her mid 20's, been suffering from Depression for what feels like years now (have been diagnosed with it twice by 2 different ppl in the past year, however they didn't care to define the type and as a Psychology student I Feel like I have Major Depression) and as time has gone by, I started to realize that it has started long before I've started University (2 years ago now). Actually, I think I've had small bouts of depression in the very, very last few months as a senior in High School, and then later on in quite a few incidents during the time I served in the Military (due to suicidal thoughts mainly and deep emotional suffering and abuse). I am currently IN therapy (finished my 18th session thus far), have been asked to go on antidepressants but am not willing to do soas I do not believe I want to put it in my own body (same stance I have against wanting to use the pill for contraceptive reasons for myself, personally speaking). So basically, I take no medication for my depression and only "rely" on therapy, which tbh has not been going as well as I had hoped it would. If it means anything, I'm deeply Spiritual but not religious. 

Long story short, I've been suffering with a LOT of suicidal thoughts. They are nothing gruesome in nature ("how I would like to kill myself") but rather are born out of a deep, deep sadness and loss of motivation in life. I keep thinking how I feel like I have no place in the world and how easily I would let myself let go of all my dreams, the possibility of a career,  a social life, literally friends, a decent job, a partner/husband (I'm single) and kids and so forth...when it gets really bad, I realize I do not care for anything I have thus mentioned. 

What really, really deeply bothers me and is a source of great pain and frustration in my life and has been for the longest time right now, is the issue of me feeling like "I don't care anymore". Nothing seems to matter anymore. It has ruined 2 relationships of which made the men involved literally break up/dump me/give up on me. It has cost me my potential in school and in my career choices, it has isolated me from friends and literally killed any hope I have for myself and my future.

The point of the matter is that...words do NOT do it justice when I simply say "I don't care". It sadly makes them seem like I'm "bratty" and "annoyed" and that's not really the point I want to come across when I say that I feel like "I don't care". What I really want to convey on those words are my deep pain of hopelessness. I truly feel like there is NO cure for me. There is no pill I can take to give me back the motivation I so desperately need. I feel like I have so so much potential in school, as a partner, as a future wife, as a mother...I feel robbed of everything with these deep rooted pain of how everything doesn't matter anymore and that I simply "do not care"

It has gotten so bad that I literally feel, deep down in my heart and soul, that there is no medication for me that can "fix this". Like there are absolutely no words my therapist or a therapist can tell me, in order to "fix" me and this problem. I am deeply anguished and have absolutely no idea where to look or find my solution.

*To be honest, I feel like my therapist is really shitty and hasn't helped too much but that's besides the point.

I know other ppl might be going through similar things and it truly breaks my heart, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I am faced with courses upon courses with University right and as I look at everything...I realize deep down that I do not care anymore. I really, really don't. And, I know you must be asking yourself that I should probably just switch majors and find something I'm passionate about and stick to that, but the truth is that I AM technically already "studying" my dream major, Psychology. Which breaks my heart even more because hey, I'm studying my dream major and feel like I cannot possibly really be good at anything else...so what's really left for me? How can one be so suicidal and could care less if they're already studying something that was their dream from the very start? I'm just tying to give out examples for my current situation, which I hope helps gives the bigger picture right now.

As for a love life, I was literally dumped 3 times in the span of 5 months, by the SAME guy who I thought loved me (dating for 9 months, and prior to that was dumped by someone whom I had been loving for 10 years) You can imagine the amount of pain and the toll that took on me. And to be honest, it has made me want to swear off relationships in general. It made me see how depression destroyed not just me but a future of ever being with someone, whilst still suffering from depression myself.

My parents do not really understand the depth of my pain, no matter how I try to explain it. I do not feel the need or want to hang out or enjoy a social life anymore. People are literally going about their day at university and trying to study and make things work and I'm just sitting there literally baffled at everyone making such amazing efforts and truly caring about their lives when I myself struggle to go through a lecture and feel like killing myself.

I have expressed my deep suicidal thoughts to my therapist, my parents...but no one seems to care. At least not enough to stop me or do...anything for that matter. It's as if nothing seems important to everyone and that just breaks my heart because if I had a child and they were suicidal...Gosh, I would do everything in my power to make them feel better. I really, really would.

My real issue is this deep and painful loss of motivation in life and everything I do. I cannot be bothered to study, I really could care less deep down in my heart. I realize that effects me having a decent career or getting a job and maybe a relationship but I just find that I really do not care about those things either anymore. Even to the point where I do not want a social life anymore. 

If it means anything, my dream was to become a Clinical Psychologist. My dream was to help ppl exactly like me *sigh* I really wanted to help ppl, with all my heart and soul, I mean it.

I know this is such a side note right now, as I myself have not seem the WHOLE entire TV show of "13 reasons why" (just 2 episodes + the last one) but I deeply felt for Hannah especially in the scene where she committed suicide and I had been shaken the past few days as I feel like I saw her pain and it resonated with me 200% in my heart and soul. I know I'm not alone but at the same time so incredibly alone and suicidal. 

I pray that any kind souls reading this right now, would be nice enough to let me know their thoughts and what they think I should do. I truly feel like there is no solution for me out there and it breaks my heart. Please help me.

Thank you so much for reading everything. 

<333

Edited December 20, 2017 by Shir

[Shin]

@Shir You said you're spiritual, but what does it mean for you ? 
You never mentioned meditation or consciousness, or zen and buddhism (or anything related).

Your answer to your depression lies here, like you said, nothing else will work, because nothing else is an answer to the core problem, it would be at best a temporary fix.

Everything you said, if I had to put into words, was my depression in a nutshell (with few variations of course).
So I know by experience that the only way you could enjoy life again is to go so meta on your thoughts and your emotions that you see they are total illusions and misconception of what life should be.

There are probably something you didn't tell us about your past that created this depression, this or you're in some kind of dark knight of the soul (which is a good thing if you go through it).

• I would suggest to go to a zen community/dojo and trying to practice there, not only people will really want to help you (in a sense they can't, but they will be there for you).
• You should also read "The Power Of Now" from Eckhart Tolle, and read it with a right brain mindset, don't try to analyse what he said too much, rather try to "feel" what he says.
• Start a meditation practice, 20 minutes everyday, for the rest of your life.
• You need to start being more and more conscious too.
• You also need to do shadow work, to really know what's going on in you.
   

I promise that if you do all that, you will get out of your depression.
If you do all this, it's only a matter of time.

 

Edited December 22, 2017 by Shin

[Shir]

@Shin Hey Shin ! I'm really sorry for the late reply BUT I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read everything and caring enough to reply ! <3 And hey now, we have a similar name ahah, how cute.

On 12/22/2017 at 5:54 PM, Shin said:

You said you're spiritual, but what does it mean for you ? 

You're right. I didn't specify at all ! I would like to now - I am technically Jewish-Spiritual. I believe in Spiritually 100% and do not practice anything in particular but my mind set is very much spiritual. Especially due to the fact that I do not "practice" my own religion, however that is part of me (identity) and forever will be (Jewish). You could say I'm just a very open person and I realize that in itself should be helping my situation however this deep pain has gone behind all that imo...

On 12/22/2017 at 5:54 PM, Shin said:

Your answer to your depression lies here

May I ask what's "here"? I got really confused...I really would like to understand more

On 12/22/2017 at 5:54 PM, Shin said:

There are probably something you didn't tell us about your past that created this depression, this or you're in some kind of dark knight of the soul

Oh I'm not sure if I'm missing something out by mistake...but I can totally see how that may seem the case yeah. I think my deep depression is born out of a LOT of frustration, failure and over all sadness that had been associated with school (University), add to that the emotional pain two failed relationships (long distance) and a few hurts along the way and yeah...it seems crazy that THAT would want to make you kill yourself but it's true. 

I had never heard of "dark knight of the soul" ! Sounds very interesting, I will look it up !

Thank you SO MUCH for all the wonderful suggestions you left me with, I promise to go through them ! I have to say that I had read "The Power Of now" in the past and I think you're right, I should read it again. I think I'm much more mature these days and hopefully it will resonate and benefit me more.

And thank you for the adorable meme aweee ! 

I hope you're doing well - Happy Holidays and HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!! 

[Arman]

15 hours ago, Shir said:

@Shin Hey Shin ! I'm really sorry for the late reply BUT I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read everything and caring enough to reply ! <3 And hey now, we have a similar name ahah, how cute.

You're right. I didn't specify at all ! I would like to now - I am technically Jewish-Spiritual. I believe in Spiritually 100% and do not practice anything in particular but my mind set is very much spiritual. Especially due to the fact that I do not "practice" my own religion, however that is part of me (identity) and forever will be (Jewish). You could say I'm just a very open person and I realize that in itself should be helping my situation however this deep pain has gone behind all that imo...

May I ask what's "here"? I got really confused...I really would like to understand more

Oh I'm not sure if I'm missing something out by mistake...but I can totally see how that may seem the case yeah. I think my deep depression is born out of a LOT of frustration, failure and over all sadness that had been associated with school (University), add to that the emotional pain two failed relationships (long distance) and a few hurts along the way and yeah...it seems crazy that THAT would want to make you kill yourself but it's true. 

I had never heard of "dark knight of the soul" ! Sounds very interesting, I will look it up !

Thank you SO MUCH for all the wonderful suggestions you left me with, I promise to go through them ! I have to say that I had read "The Power Of now" in the past and I think you're right, I should read it again. I think I'm much more mature these days and hopefully it will resonate and benefit me more.

And thank you for the adorable meme aweee ! 

I hope you're doing well - Happy Holidays and HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!! 

It makes me happy that you mentioned the potential you feel for yourself in your first post.  For someone experiencing a lot of darkness, you seem have a lot of brightness to give, as is evident by your response to shin.

I know it can be painful to think that there is no cure and no way out. Strangely, sometimes it is less painful to choose to believe that there no cure, rather than to believe that happiness and well-being are possible. Why is this? Is it because if we really opened ourselves to the potential of happiness that we're afraid that we'd discover that it's not true and that we are actually powerless? It is an unfortunate and self fulfilling paradox that we choose the illusion/belief of powerlessness because it feels safer than really looking to see if we have power at all. 

Maybe there will be profound and radical catalyst for your transformation, or maybe there will be a more gentle opening into well-being that starts to happen in your life over time. Either way I believe it can happen if you are even just 1% open to the possibility. It's not always about herculean efforts or radical answers. If on some days you can sit and open it up to 2%, that's even more powerful. Life will fan that ember for you. 

[quicker_than_purple]

@Shir

Hey!

I used to be depressed since 14 years of age, hade no core motivation for anything, no life spark if you will, laying in bed all day, escaping reality in my dreams, playing video games, doing drugs etcetera.

But after several years of that i went to a hypnotherapist (i know they are expensive) and dealt with some shit in my past and i felt uplifted enough to change my habits by going outside on walks and trying to appreciate nature, also thinking of three positive things per day. It worked in the since that i got good habits i never had before. Baby steps... Try it maybe.

Later i read the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and that gave me some more perspective on how to conduct my self and use my already gained knowledge of life being pointless, empty and meaningless in a positive way and how i could think about other people around me, also eating healthier and working out was one of the best thing i ever did, try it if you don't already have. I mean it cant hurt you, can it?

Even on the shittiest day you might have, do the best you can without complaining, because this all we have. Looking back at yourself thinking that even when i didn't want to study i did it anyways and that is something that you can find comfort and further life-drive in, maybe?