Uncovering the Love Within

[Jayden Birch]

Hello beautiful self-actualizers. Welcome to my journal of scary self-transformation!

Firstly I'm very grateful to be apart of this community as over the past year Leo, Nahm, Ajasatya, Gabriel, Pluto and AleksM have kicked me up the butt, and inspired me to walk the path of enlightenment.

How I arrived here

I started meditating in October 2016 and found Actualized.org a month later to, of course, find the 'best' technique for meditation.  I was driven deeply to meditate largely by remembering a question I used to asked my Mum when I was around 5. It was, "Doesn't this all just feel like a dream?", and it struck me, I felt like I was in a dream still! Being lost in my monkey mind and incessantly identified with my high expectations to be the top student in high school  I finally realized that the only direction I was heading was to Satan's tombstone, and to put the icing on the cake, I felt tangibly unconscious.  This ignited a fire in my heart to stop the judgement once and for all and to start waking up to reality by first, meditating and second, love. It's so funny looking back at those days because I couldn't keep my body still for even a minute without feeling like a bomb of energy was going to explode out of my skin. How was it so hard? Well, I was heavily programmed by society to want instant gratification which I sought through Video games, Phone games, and in between those breaks, constant internet browsing of the latest technology and porn (Ohhh that hurts); this made me never want to sit still. Now after 8 months of solid daily meditation for an hour these hard addictions have auto corrected which is a miracle in itself.

The Crux of this journal

What is the true meaning of love? It's such a simple word, yet it scares the ego deliciously. All I know is that love is found in the NOW if only I could see it! As such my purpose in this journal is to explore love until it destroys me. Everyday I commit to affirming 24/7 "I am the light. The light I am" and "I love you" and "I am grateful for...". Everyday from today I commit to meditating 2 hours a day to connect with this world and everyday I commit to self-inquiring for 30 minutes a day and I will defiantly increase this to an hour in 5 minute increments per month if it feels organic. It really feels like my calling in life to do this as if someone wants me to go through this journey. Matt Kahn has been the inspiration to love every human being and every single object like no soul has ever dared to before and if love is really the only answer,  WE SHALL FIND OUT.

In Short

This will be a place where I share all of my juicy insights from my daily rituals centered around love and my progress finding Life Purpose (I'm in the middle of the course) to ultimately live a passionate life, to wake up out of this dream and have lots of sex along the way! 

30 day challenge to update this daily.

I wish you all luck on your own journeys.

 

 

 

[Jayden Birch]

As my thoughts become more clear, so will this image!

Edited December 19, 2017 by Jayden Birch

[Jayden Birch]

Dream Analysis 001

In the book "Mind Power" John Kehoe writes, "Our dreams show us where we are wrong and where we are unadapted, bringing to our attention the root cause of inner disharmony or emotional distress... Dreams show us how to fulfill our destiny...". I agree with this and so I want to share my dreams as a means of helping others digest their own!

Key parts in my dream- 

I was with my best friend in high school (Axel) and we went into the woods with our guitars. After my hesitation to jump over an electric fence we lost each other in the woods, and the electric shot from the fence sent me on a psychedelic trip. Immediately it was night and it was raining and I felt vulnerable and lonely without my friend. My guitar didn't have a case and so was vulnerable to the elements as well. In the end I messaged my friend to come back, but I knew that he was on his own adventure and might never return. I felt jealous of him because he created his own happiness whereas I was searching for a friend to finally feel safe and not alone.

Analysis-

This has been the reoccurring theme in my dreams for the last month where I've LOST my friends or a particular object such as a phone (to call for help in the dream).  In some dreams I just miss out on being with my friends etc. Why do I dream of these people? I believe this is because a month ago I chose to disconnect from them because I wanted to face my loneliness as Leo recommended but this has been a challenge. But our minds are very intelligent so really it is using this disconnection to reveal the repressed aspects of myself that deserve more love, not less.

Symbols-

The character Axel wanted me to acknowledge the empowered one inside of me who follows his desires for the sake of his desires. The one who steps over an obstacle (the electric fence) and keeps moving forward on his own adventure. He didn't come back for me because that was HIS ADVENTURE, not mine.

The electric fence symbolized the big leap I may need to take in my life, to smash past the mental barriers I have created which must currently limit me right now.

The guitar I think can easily be misinterpreted. Ohhh, I just realized what it means. The guitar is like our passions, we carry our passions on our journey just like we carry our clothes. Without either of these items we feel naked. My poor guitar needed a case and this i believe will come after I bring solidity to my purpose in life, and how do we do this? By following our passions of course.

Action step today-

In any moment I will do what brings me the most joy, and I'll write a list of these activities.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Jayden Birch

[Jayden Birch]

  Today while I was in the shopping mall car park waiting for my Mum, I got out my phone and listened to Matt Khan's video, a way out of pain. This broadened my idea of love and why we should love everything in existence:

We need to have FAITH that everything is the light of the divine which means that my anger, jealousy, fear and pain are a beautiful expression of God. So when I say I love you to someone else when they lash out like a tiger, I'm really saying "I acknowledge that you are in pain right now, and that you came to me because you couldn't even acknowledge your own pain and so wanted me to be the shining light that recognizes it for you so that all hearts in this world can experience less pain, including my own". This is the most important thing I have learnt about love: that it is about allowing every single emotion in my body to fully express itself (in my head of course); to put it simply, to be HONEST with yourself to the point where you can say "Yeah I'm really mad, now let's breathe into the madness and allow it to destroy me!". I was really confused about this a few months ago when I heard that saying I love you would fix all of my problems, it won't. Saying I love you because you understand that people are coming up to you to be rescued and thoughts come up in your mind to be seen as you see an innocent child, is the solution, the paradigm is so important. Rule of thumb: treat everyone and myself like I would to a crying 5 year old child, be soft, be honest; be on their side because they are spiritually evolving too, just in a funny way!

Meditation Insight

While meditating I spent 30 minutes of the first hour daydreaming about this girl I will see in a few weeks on holiday. It was so nice, she is very beautiful with luscious brown hair and a gorgeous pair of legs. Then I felt bad because I couldn't stop these thoughts which became increasingly sexual. I didn't own my thoughts which is why the thought seemed never ending. I'm practicing the no manipulation technique and so it's hard to know whether I dropped the thought, or if the thought just naturally disappeared which is frustrating. For the next hour of meditation I said the mantra "I love you". I imagine a blanket of love is over me and is slowly dissolving my body while doing this. It is a very liberating. By the end of the session you lose all sense of who exactly you are loving. Do I love my face? Do I love my heart? Do I love my personality?

Life Purpose Update

I feel like a stranger to myself. Throughout my journal I hope I can become my intimate lover. I have decided that if through the Life Purpose course I am unsure of where to go or what to do through being seemingly interested in all subjects, that I'm going to face my fears and go to University because staying at home would mean that everything I had learnt in high school would slowly wither away into nothingness, and I would be a master of none. I am interested in spirituality but if I'm not committed to going all in as a Monk does, how can I expect massive growth? I will just be lazy and sit on my coach with ice cream and chips and watch some first world bullshit to act as my new source of 'mature' education. So in part I will use this journal to find my Life Purpose which is so very exciting!

Miscellaneous:

Been seeing the numbers 11:11 everywhere, must be my spirit aliens agreeing with my radical changes in life style. It feels good being exhausted for once instead of rational inaction.

If I had unlimited money, with no obstacles in my way I would... (What brings me the most excitement in life?) Be Honest

- Find out if extra-terrestrials truly exist AND write a best seller book on it. This is influenced by Bashar, Adronis and Rob Gathier.

- Create an instrument in science that could prove the 'physical' existence of consciousness which is similar to the discovery of dark matter in that sense. This instrument could be used in large scale personal development by other scientists to show the most effective ways to increase consciousness.

Action step -

Spend time tomorrow thinking back to childhood and asking Mum what I used to absolutely love giving my time to.

Use this journal to continue being honest like I've never been before.

[Jayden Birch]

My biggest fears stunting my evolution:

- Fear of choosing one domain to work in.

- Fear of failure.

- Fear of relaxation (when in meditation). 

- Fear of being judged and mocked for being kind to others, and loving.

- Fear of attracting more negativity in my life by allowing my inner child to fully experience pure anger, hatred, jealousy and envy (these are common things I feel, I'm nice on the outside of course, gotta be a good chimp  ).

Edited December 21, 2017 by Jayden Birch

[Jayden Birch]

Tonight is the longest night of the year and so I've decided be outside to appreciate the beauty of this natural cycle. Historically, this night was not one of celebration because the days would get shorter and so the resources the hunter and gatherers relied on became scarce. Now we have houses to live in, and all of the luxuries that come with the first world, and I feel so grateful to have this, to not be scared of whether tomorrow I will or won't receive the nourishment needed to survive another day. I've become normalized to this paradise and the world has become normalized too with me. Being unaware of the significance modern luxuries is a core reason why people feel unhappy because mortality has been swept under the rug by a sea of distractions and addictions that rule our lives; as Leo said, it's a matter of perspective.

Today I took more time out for myself. Instead of going on this forum or looking on the internet for some fulfillment, I sat with my feelings. This is a beautiful thing. I breathed the pain I felt (probably generated by thoughts) into every cell of my body and let it burn my heart which transforms all pain into love. This is how my first awakening experience happened by lying in bed and imagining taking the blood out of the wounds in my emotional body with my hands, while sitting completely still in bed. It felt horrible! This must be why so few people even taste the truth.

I watched Leo's video on his blog. I cling to his perspective way too much. He's my go to self-help teacher with Matt Kahn following close behind and then the authors from the books I read. Next year I will read many different perspectives because I see the method behind the madness, shove 100 teachers together and have faith in your mind to digest it and I can see great potential for some very mind blowing insights to arise. But we'll see if this is true, being a true skeptic as always.

Also I found out more about the definition of love! It starts with realizing that nothing is the cause of your unhappiness. It only seems that way so that anger doesn't randomly arise without a reason but actually all emotions arise without a reason when you look carefully. Why for example do I feel intense pain like I'm being cut with a knife in strong determination? Another way to look at this is through perspectives. How is it that one person can face the same situation of strong determination and enjoy it? Who's right and who's wrong? This shows that emotions are random, and that thus my whole life could be dictated upon complete spontaneity. My mind would be fucked if this was a truth. 

Strange Occurrences

Yesterday while self-inquiring I saw a spaceship in the peripheral vision of my eyes. I turned to look at the jet like object and I saw it for one second and then it vanished. Maybe @AleksM knows what this means? I was also thinking of getting the Dhjedi Masterkey to help me in my SDS sits and self-inquiry practice but I'm kinda scared I may see more spaceships! Okay I've also seen the number 11:11 for the past few days. Hopefully this means something good. Still, I won't let this deviate me from my path, it's just interesting to write about. I could write a best selling novel about the entities in space from the stuff I've heard!

Action Steps -

- Look back into my childhood again to see what excited me.

- Show people so much respect that even I think it's over the top.

Enjoy the Winter solstice for everyone in the northern hemisphere. There is brighter day ahead I guarantee it

 

 

Edited December 22, 2017 by Jayden Birch

[Jayden Birch]

[Jayden Birch]

I'm really excited tonight because it is Christmas Eve. This is of course an egoistic excitement which I would describe as more of a craving for presents with a hint of fear for being around my family. They for some reason despise Leo and see me as an extremist, spiritual, hippie monk. It makes me sad in the heart that they can't open their minds and appreciate that I'm just here to improve myself, it's not a big deal. It also makes them ignore everything else I do because all of their attention is on what I'm eating rather than what I am feeling. It's really frustrating, but Matt Kahn has taught me that this is not personal; that what others say to me equals what is unresolved in them and all they want is love and acceptance for their questionable behavior. In my life I try my best to send love to everyone I walk past; I think it is attracting nicer people into my life as today someone turned to me and said Merry Christmas from across the road. Also I got a Christmas present today and it was a book by the Dalai Lama. I don't know who sent this; whomever it was, thank you.

What has helped me a lot is pain. I found out that pain equals a growth in consciousness, isn't that beautiful!? It changes everything doesn't it? And all people are doing in their lives is actively avoiding pain by putting on the mean face. This separates these people from their pure emotions which are wanting to be acknowledged as divinity. You see, God dresses up in many forms. He dresses up in things we consider to be very mundane, or which hurt us just so that we can dare to believe these as God. Believing is seeing in this world.

If you can believe it you will see it. Santa is just as real as my body; I just see my body, that doesn't mean it exists, yet I can see it. 

Merry Christmas self-actualizers, make every day Christmas.

[Jayden Birch]

[Jayden Birch]

Oatmeal is going out, and vegetables are in to replace this highly praised grain. Oats slow my mind down in the mornings because the human digestive system seems better suited for plant based foods. I hope I don't starve. 2 years ago I was 80kg and since making diet changes I have dropped to 67kg; I'm 6 foot 2 which means I'm very slim. The benefits have been clear: I feel like I have the agility of a fox and I have lots of energy to meditate without falling asleep. The vegetables are boiled. I wonder if this means the prana energy is lost in my new soup? 

Here's all of the ingredients and the massive pot: 

Synchronicity Update

Today I saw the number 11 about 7 times. The time 11:11 was shown to me 3 times today, 7:11 twice and 9:11 twice. I also had the weirdest lucid dream. Right before I woke up I was walking on my street where I lived. My awareness then shifted to my head, and this external force pulled it around in the air, and my body felt separated like the head was moving faster in time. I could then consciously move my head around in the air so fast I thought I was tel porting from one place to another; also when I teleported I felt an immense diziness. I got super excited like "Wow, I can now teleport!", tried to teleport, only to get overwhelmed by this voice speaking in my head. Someone was literally speaking to me. This entity was introducing itself quite fast and pretty much I freaked out and imagined closing a door in my mind. I then partially woke up, feeling an intense power to fall back asleep. The fear kept me awake thankfully. 

My dreams have been getting stranger, so I will record them here more often when I get up to help me understand all of this.

I am very confused in my life, I see all of these possibilities and sometimes I feel overwhelmed. There are so many things I could be doing such as contemplating more, which would seem logical because it would resolve my confusion on an existential level. Thhis is a confusion of my life purpose, and the nature of people, and my whole paradigm of reality. These are all in question. Especially the idea that anyone can be right or wrong is crumbling down in my mind. Why? There are disagreements between my own self! I can't agree on what is right and wrong for me, so how can other people agree on this, yet alone collectively? I want to explore some new perspectives to help me see this clearly, that there is no justice because all justice is relative. That means so many things,  so many consequences...

[Jayden Birch]

I feel a lot more in control of my life. Compared to a month ago I have space to just be, and listen to my gut instead of listening to commands from people. Tonight I'm starting to read "Thick Face, Black Heart". This book is the opposite perspective to my own which is to please people at the sacrifice of my own agenda. It comes down to my deep need for the attention of others and it doesn't matter whether it is positive or negative in nature. I noticed that I sometimes irritate the people closest to me for attention, although this is much more infrequent nowadays; meditation has slowly auto corrected this.

Just Let Go

Just let go. In my meditation practice please, just let go. Let go of all your thoughts, especially if it is hard. Those thoughts that stay are there for a reason. They want me to breathe in my emotions, then they will magically disappear. 

Just breathe is another practice I like. In both, it is important that I do exactly as the practice says to go deeper. It is the most challenging thing I have done in my life. Meditation I feel has been directly responsible for my nightmares, and the strong negative and positive emotions. This has meant more suffering. I hope the suffering is being purged, the only sign is that I'm more calm, and my heart feels more open.

Action steps -

Get up at 6am and be a living example of the true meaning of love. Whenever I love myself and others mercilessly, simply all is well, my heart opens so much that I am no longer trying to find a distraction to avoid painful emotions. It's time to start my loving practice again. If somebody could hold me accountable I would love that!

I'll put a hair tie on my wrist to remind myself to say something kind to myself (which could be a blessing, or compliment) or other people, and to be grateful. 2 weeks and then I'll switch it to breathing consciously! This will be intense, I meant to do this when I started this journal but I failed. The hair tie will help tremendously.

[Jayden Birch]

[Jayden Birch]

[Jayden Birch]

Lately I have realized that pain is a unavoidable part of life. Writing this journal is painful, getting up is painful, in everything I do there is always a subtle pain to it. I have learnt to embrace it, breathing it in and letting it expand my consciousness one moment at a time. The most painful things I do are those that are instantly gratifying. The world isn't enlightened yet because of how they treat this pain. They don't love it, they don't respect it, they don't even acknowledge its existence inside of them which is poisoning them because the pain just stays there.

I feel like I'm slowly loving the bad things about me more and more as I use love as my main practice. Love means facing every pain you have, and every fear. It's easy to face what is pleasant like TV, your friends, your strengths but that's it. I have to learn how to love my pain to death in every moment, and love even being tortured by someone. Someone torturing you after all is life saying to you face your fucking pain thus external circumstances always reflect precisely what you need to love in yourself through emotions, and through your thoughts of that external circumstance. This means if I have fully accepted and cherished the one inside of me who was anxious for example, then no external circumstance could make me anxious at all. If I say "I have every right to be anxious, and this anxiety is here to help me, by making me realize that anxiety is a manifestation of the one divine so that I can ultimately realize who I am" that is true power. In fact, I will encourage my anxiety to arise sometimes for fun, and this confirms in itself that I have transcended a good bulk of it! You see, I and everyone else usually gets tense and serious when a negative emotion arises so to have fun while being in this state is counter-intuitive, and in this place the emotion cannot exist because the vibration of fun and the vibration of something negative are not compatible at all.

Life is painful. I want myself to have fun even if it is painful, that's all. From this place I trust that my reality will transform into heaven in a few years time, and I can already feel it within myself every time I love what is uncomfortable, inconvenient and painful.

For the next 10 days I'm on holiday; I will post my journal entries then for anyone who is wondering and use the holiday to relax, keep up my healthy habits and socialise with girls there which is uncomfortable but that there is the magic word! In a way this journal is about me becoming a friend with discomfort, and right now I'm unwilling, but what would I have to believe to be unwilling?

I would have to believe that pain is bad. But how can something so quintessential to the growth of our consciousness be demonized by the masses and avoided like the devil? I believe that our minds are adapted for survival first and foremost and then the growth of consciousness. But this is always my problem when I contemplate: I always make up more mental explanations to questions that require insight beyond my rational mind. It just sounds like a good theory that our minds are adapted for survival and I would bet it was, but I can't be 100% sure. I've also read this theory in 2 books, but how are they right? If I can only know myself through a Ahaa moment this means I know nothing in my life! But even me saying that I know nothing in my life I can't know for sure because I haven't truly experienced that I know nothing. 

Action steps form here-

Re watch Leo Gura's video on contemplation because I am confused whether I should answer a question logically in contemplation (as in do I force myself to come up with answers? when I say "What am I" ? When I don't force myself my mind is blank and so I get no answers? If someone could clarify this it would be amazing!)

Rewatch Matt Kahn's Everything is here to help you to consolidate my belief  that everything that arises is here for us to learn from, and that the appearance of the experience that arises has no correlation to its true reality.

 

Next post will be on January the 13th. I'm excited to go to the beach and just relax in the sand for 10 days  

Edited January 1, 2018 by Jayden Birch