SDS effects

[Danielle]

@jjer94  When I come to the US and find a decent statue to sleep on I'll gladly show you 

Right back at ya! You might want to consider a haircut though Mr.Reeves 

@Rinne I changed my mind about that lol. Thank you for reading 

[Danielle]

LWAM Season 1, episode 9.
I know, I know, I didn't write anything in forever, but just hear me out, okay? I'll start at the beginning. I've fallen deeper into emptiness. It's funny because it went from I am Danielle DUH!, to I am nothing and everything to I'm not nothing nor am I anything else besides nothing and it's so obviously true! To save you from mental masturbation, wait till you become it because holy smokes! It has left me utterly speechless, not being able to do anything but bask in it for days on end. The stuff I experienced a year ago seems silly in comparison.

I was rereading stuff from this journal and found it unbelievably delusional and hilarious. It's astounding how different my perception is- now it's crystal clear, even more so than the first time it shifted because the difference is insane. 

Another thing:memory. I don't have it. They don't tell you about this in enlightenment brochures. 
 My short term memory is non existent. Every insight I had recently  I had to write down immediately or it'd be lost forever. I had a presentation a while back and few minutes before it I realized I forgot everything. And weirdly enough, when it was my turn to speak I started talking effortlessly. I don't know how it happened and it was strange at first, but it's kinda fun not to know anything now.

I cried out of love in public couple of times this month. Just kidding, this week. The love is beyond  all ideas and feelings of oneness, beyond God and beyond all whys. It's an never-ending orgasm of being that loves.

I find myself in situations that previously brought a lot of suffering. I have no resistance to any of it and no pain arises. It keeps on shocking me how distorted my perception was. I see family members and friends creating fantasy suffering and problems while carrying the self as a trusty perception distorter.  

You know how I said I was out and about? Well that turned around again since this unraveling started. I suddenly have 0 interest in anything besides sitting in silence and savouring the moment. 

Is this it now? Will I just stay silent forever? Will I find a cave and spend the next decade in it? I really don't know, I had the need to share this with you so that's probably a no. I spent the last 8 months in a non dual honeymoon and now it's time to go deeper. After the ecstasy, the laundry.

End credits: There is no other day
Let's try it another way
You'll lose your mind and play
Directed by a 20-year-old ox tamer.
 

[Igor82]

This is deeply inspirational, reading this journal brought me to the brink of tears. This journal is a diamond for me. Thank you. Thank you. Im speechless

[Danielle]

@Igor82 I'm glad the journal had an impact, thank you for your kind words. 

[Rinne]

On 9/21/2018 at 7:56 PM, Danielle said:

When I come to the US and find a decent statue to sleep on I'll gladly show you 

Would you ever plan on coming to New York? 

[Danielle]

@Rinne Possibly in the future, certainly not in the next 3-5 years. 

[Rinne]

@Danielle Sweet 

[Danielle]

LWAM Season 1, episode 11
I guess I’m the person who writes one post a year now. Should i start writing poetry? Jeez, I can't write a cohesive sentence to save my life. Except that one and the one I'm writing now.  Random words, thoughts and feelings scattered in all my writings. No way of properly conveying them but wanting to share something. So here they are, make of them what you will and I hope they make some sense and resonate. 
One moment I’m there, the next I’m gone
Opening and closing, almost on the clock
Inside is outside, outside is inside
Thoughts are outside, people inside
Sometimes you go outside, sit on your bike, look at your neighbor you’ve known for 20 years and there it is.  Clear as day; God! Duh! 
Everywhere I go it’s there
Every second that passes it's it- IT IS IT!
Selfing feels claustrophobic
There is no fuel in the structure, keeps falling apart like a house of cards
There is nowhere to go in the mind
I am unknowable
I am the thing trying to reach itself
No ending, no conclusion, no certainty
Life now has no substance, it's like a breeze
There is no play yet I perform
I’ve been searching for truth and meanwhile living it
Reality is completely bendable
String between thoughts and feelings cut off, both like puzzle pieces that don't fit with each other anymore
Every few months there's another layer of this thing. I find so much joy in it
Through insanity sanity, through lies truth, through death life, through infinite stories silence, through aloneness company
 I am alive and I am dead.  I am the writer and the written. I am the director and the actor. I am the why and the because. I am the known and the unknown. But really, I am love and nothing else.
End credits:  I am washing; I am washing your skin. Your skin I am calling your son. Directed by The Cloud of Nonsense.

[jjer94]

[Danielle]

LWAM Season 1, episode 12

I’m back to write my annual post. I had an itch to share some of the things I’ve been experiencing since last time so here I go again. I don’t even know why I would write anything because I would simply be repeating what’s been said a million times. But I also cannot NOT write because THE ITCH!

Falling deeper into this never –ending funhouse of absolute nothingness tends to come in waves. After the initial shock of altered perception, it slowly becomes more and more natural and yet, there is always this element of surprise waiting around the corner.  There are subtle ways in which I notice things changing. I guess I feel major shifts whenever there’s any change in the degree of identification with thoughts and feelings. And that’s the closest I can describe it because even saying that isn’t quite true. All that is happening is deeper falling and I don’t know what exactly is falling and where. Recently, there’s been a subtle way in which identification arises and drops almost instantly. The constant dissolving of this fake structure is so amusing. I see myself making stuff up and then convincing myself it’s the truth and maybe falling for it for a day or two before I see through the whole thing and then I’m back “at the right perception”. At this point I’m just fucking with myself for laughs. Like, how can I trick myself while also knowing I’m tricking myself?

I do keep on dying on different levels and here’s what that looks like followed by random sentences I wrote in my journal about the thing:

1)      BRAIN NOT WORKING WORDS WHAT

I got somewhat used to not having memory, but then another disorienting thing happened with thoughts. As in, I would have intrusive thoughts about one particular thing and after a while it would exhaust itself completely and then I’d be left in this state of no thoughts. And from that state it would be very hard to articulate and formulate words. It feels as though my brain has been fried which is hilarious in and of itself because I can’t find the brain that I’m referring to.

Everything is rising out of me and in me, I can’t believe it, I have no mind. I made it up!! There’s a mind that does what exactly??

2)      THE DICKHEAD

I noticed that I no longer feel feelings of others which was an amazing relief because it meant that I no longer felt suffering hardly ever.  And after that I noticed that - wait, I don’t feel any feelings period. And then oh, I do feel feelings, but it’s sort of like, they have nothing to with me so I don’t really pay that much attention to them. And when I do pay attention to a feeling and stay with it for a while, it fades away very quickly. Feelings are a nonissue because I don’t see a difference between “positive” and “negative” emotions.  Like really! It doesn’t matter what I label the feeling, it’s gone before I try to get hold of it.

I feel everything almost three feet away from me at all times. Things are not important - I don’t believe in them anymore. That’s why there a lot of things I feel like I can’t really relate to. One moment things matter to me, the next they don’t, it’s like they never happened.  I’m having trouble with seeing people’s problems as problems because it all looks like imaginary nonsense. In any interaction my first reaction is: I’m not buying it.  It almost like can’t relate to or understand personal issues. Or maybe I’m just a dickhead now.

Practically, it might be said that I turned into a dickhead but strangely, I’m more compassionate than ever. The funny thing is that feeling people’s feelings and understanding them or believing in them doesn’t help them, it just puts suffering on top of suffering. Only when you don’t believe them can you feel real compassion. The paradoxes of this are insane. I can’t get sucked into human drama like before as in, I know it’s not real and because of that there’s so much compassion for anyone that does because I remember what it felt like.

3)      FAMILY STANDS FOR???

The body that is here is certainly related to my family members, but my relationship with them is totally gone. I value them as people and continue to have relationships with them, but not as their daughter, sister or aunt. The person that they once knew is gone and they don’t even know it. I just do a hell of a job pretending. How can I be related to anything when I see myself being born and then dying each second that passes? What would that even mean?

The person that I was is completely dead. I’m dying laughing. Dear god.  The person that pretended to be here finally left, or honestly, was dragged out of the theater.

4)      LOVE PERSONIFIED BLABLABLA

I feel suffocated by love. The love is so intense I am scared of it.

I am embodied love. And I love loving.

I’m literally living in never ending love

I am absolute love.  What I am has never been hurt, never left, never rejected. It doesn’t know anything but pure love for itself.  

Read Meister Eckhart for much more clear insights about love if you’re in the mood.

Everything is my body.

I’ll never be able to express the gratitude I feel.

I genuinely don’t need anything outside of what needs to keep the body mind alive.

 I want everyone to experience this, but I’m not sure they are ready or even want to.

Every moment I am there, always there, never arriving, never going, always here, always full, always infinite, always at the place of life and death and neither.

End credits: All creation is hollow, and a picture's a shadow. Just a symptom of love, with a lack of a cause.

Directed by The Prime Minister of writing clichès on forums.

[Danielle]

I am there where all paradoxes are

Beyond everything and nothing is where I reside. Existence and non existence in one. Complete stillness and rapid movement. Total goodness and absolute evil. Complete free will and determinism. Utter despair and unimaginable gratitude. No way out, freedom at every turn. Total perfection and fucked up nonsense. I am that which I am not.

Nobody seeing through no one. Emptiness and substance one. Nothing to stand on, firm ground everywhere. Tears of terror and bliss. Nothing more real than the dream. Paralyzing fear turned into courage. Nothing more deserving of love than the unlovable. Being awake the most deceptive form of dreaming. Suffering necessary joy. Words the only way for the unncomunicable. Everything equally important and redundant.

Love the final enemy of the self. Accepting denial good way to flush out resistance. Brutal honesty just another lie. Transcendence the best way to be brought back to reality. Years of work put into one second of closing all doors to self forever. Saving yourself to save no one. Saying no sure way to be smothered by yes.

Beyond space and time I am, bound only by a lie. Lifetime of confusion for one second of earthshattering clarity. Lifetime of self hate for one second of life changing self love. Balancing the known and the unknown only with faith.  Having faith only in the unavoidability of love. Destruction of the interior for the new creation of exterior. Non experiencing every experience imaginable. Wanting not to be so much you're only left with being. Giving up yourself to gain yourself. Removing your eyes to see yourself. Always moving, never going anywhere. Those are all the things that I am and I am not.