SDS effects

[Shin]

I'm glad you made it

[Danielle]

@Shin This is just the beginning! Hope you're feeling better ❤

[Shin]

1 minute ago, Danielle said:

@Shin This is just the beginning! Hope you're feeling better ❤

Not really, but it will  

[Danielle]

Look at all these people with their narratives of what life is about!  With all their stories of what they should do and how they should behave. With all their authentic desires in the trash and new fake ones created for them. With all their weapons that are guarding their true feelings. With all their achievements and golden medals hiding their burning desire to be truly seen, to have someone pat them on the back and say:" I see you. Wow, you really are something. Thank you for existing!"

And this character Danielle. Where do I begin? With all my shame for seeing things so differently. With all my limiting beliefs of what I can do. With all my fear of being totally open and vulnerable. With all my judgments and feelings of superiority. With all my conflicted desires and motivations. With all my heartbreaking, brutal thoughts of running, escaping, ending this play I call my life. 

My life is no longer mine, never really was. Why am I even trying to understand what is happening to me? Life knows exactly where it's taking me and there's no way I could understand. 

That's what I'm lacking. Faith! Faith that this time I won't be hurt or lost. Absolute trust that all of this is worth it in the end. The belief that I'm headed in the right direction. Even though I'm certain this path will lead me to my ultimate defeat, I somehow still keep on walking it, tear by tear, backlash by backlash, mindfuck by mindfuck , until I end up on my knees thinking why I questioned anything in the first place. 

Edited February 8, 2018 by Danielle

[Shin]

[Danielle]

I went too far this time. I really got myself in the deep end. Let me present to you the biggest ego backlash to date! This is what ego's rant on everything looks like. After being blissed out and up on cloud nine thinking I actually got somewhere, reality showed up and decided to wake me up to the biggest degree yet.

I have no idea what to do with the realizations that initially created endless joy, later existential terror; like these:

•  I actually thought reality was real and solid.
• I thought I knew what reality was. Why did I ever wonder about death if I don't even know what life is?? Doesn't make much sense.
• I thought I knew who I was. Even after having so many moments of clearity and insights about no self, I've always had the story of me back in my mind: " I'm sure I'm somewhere here"
• I thought mystical states and positive emotions meant I was moving forward towards this thing called 'nirvana' lol. Looking back, my first enlightenment experience was very important to get me started, but from this new perspective, it was  an utter delusion. " I became a chair, wow, I'm nearly self realized now"
• I thought I was pursuing enlightenment and not the other way around. 
• I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. End of suffering sounds nice, right? Here's a bit of unconditional love to get you hooked and a whole new belief system to serve as a complete denial and an escape from truth. I had no idea how serious this was. I signed up for my death.
• I thought I knew things about life in general. All of it is complete fiction. I've reached the point of ultimate doubt in everything. The doubt is so huge it feels like it will annihilate me.
• I used spirituality to avoid death, but spirituality = death.

It's funny how all my so called problems seem to disappear when I come into contact with the truth. Because then my survival is on the line! And let me tell you, I'm in the process of dying. It's not some abstract death, it's LITERAL. The realization I saw is something that every human being is running away from and it has sent me into full on panic mode. I started to run again with others, full speed. 

 Due to the constant fear of nonexistence and insanity, I've made my way back into comfortable lies. I did my best to distract myself as much as I could.  Tried the usual sensory pleasures:  junk food, music, movies, reading and all of that. When that didn't work, tried with other people, with working out, with yoga and with meditation. I can't even meditate anymore. It's too painful.I get heart palpitations, feeling like I'm going to pass out and be sucked into nothingness just 10 minutes in. Naturally, I stop and distract myself with something.

And I come here,  writing being my last straw, and it fails too. As I'm writing this, I know exactly what I'm doing - postponing my death. All I ever do is try to prolong this illusion of existence. 
Resistance is futile. Distractions are futile. 

Thank you Morrissey. Thank you Jed. I'm almost ready to die now. 
 

Edited February 18, 2018 by Danielle

[Danielle]

Thank God my roomate left because she would've sent me to a mental hospital. Besides crying all the time and laughing hysterically at random moments, her beloved roomate had a nervous breakdown a couple of days ago and just now she was torn apart again, but in a beautiful way.

I was sitting at my desk just casually reading when I had the sudden urge to stop everything that I was doing and go sit in the dark in silence.  It's a common practice, but this time, I knew something was about to go down. I sat there for a bit and then got up to look at myself in the mirror. Immediately - tears.  Saying "i love you" a thousand times. Went back to the room, looked out of the window and cried some more. Crossed my hands and whispered  "thank you, thank you". 

I am in complete rapture at this point. I kneel down and cry out of love. I get flashbacks from my childhood, how I once had that love and here it is again. I rejoice that I have it back. I have the faith back. I feel the love overwhelming me. The embrace is too huge. The love is too big. I say in my mind "I'll never doubt again" and then close my eyes. I open my arms like I want to hug  the air and feel my sense of self eradicating. Next thing I know I'm squatting beside the coffee table -looking at it, touching it, putting my face on the glass, kissing it and kissing my hands. The love is being poured into my system and I don't know what to do with it. The embrace is closer than close. There are no thoughts, no problems,  no past, no future, no other people, no time, no space - just God. And out of nowhere this thought shows up: "Where's Danielle?" And the answer comes: " I killed her". Then 'I' laugh and laugh. I am Godhead. My jaw drops and i say "oh my god oh my god" all over again with tears of love so intense it's almost unbearable. I don't know for how long I sat there crying; in an utter shock and disbelief, I had no sense of time. 

As you might imagine, Danielle appeared again and is now trying to understand what the hell happened. When I came back, I noticed I had little sense of my body. It was light as a feather and more relaxed. 

And then all the usual thoughts came, usual issues came, my body started to feel heavy again. But something changed for good. I feel weird, effortlessly present, with no doubt in my mind what happened was real, was really true. 

Truth has its grip on me. As soon as I open up, here it comes to take me. And all I wanna say now is hell yes! 

 

Edited February 21, 2018 by Danielle

[Timotheus]

Inspiring and insightful to read this. I'm happy for you.

Stuff is getting more serious for me too and I am too still distracting myself from dying - oh yeah I couldn't finish working off my bucket list

Nice quote!

[Danielle]

Thank you! Don't worry about it, distractions will eventually fall away too. Just keep at it. 

[Shin]

Everytime the sense of self is blurring «OH LOOK, THIS DISTRACTION SEEMS AWESOME !!!!!»

[Rinne]

This is a dope post. I hope you make it to enlightenment @Danielle. Im thinking of doing something similar like this. 

[Danielle]

@Rinne Thank you. Good luck, it'll definitely change you for good if you endure it 

[Danielle]

 After becoming God I was left with  two main issues: 1. I am God. That insight was no longer a belief or something I heard from Leo. It was my direct experience and it turned my reality upside down even more. The mind came in right away: But that sounds insane,it can't be right. I'm God, what??! 2. I am perfect. Everyone else is perfect. Reality is perfect. I can't accept that, things don't seem perfect to me. Why do I even bother improving myself if I'm perfect? Why do I judge other people if they're perfect too? You'd think that finding out you're God would be the best news ever, but no. It meant that this whole Danielle thing I have going has no reality whatsoever and for that matter, never had. 

I've spent the next three days reassuring myself that I wasn't crazy. It felt like I was being peeled and every belief that got taken away from me hurt like a bitch. I was waking up in a living nightmare. Overwhelming intense emotions were coming too fast from all sides. My mind was going crazy like I'll have a some kind of a break any moment. Then the worst night of my life came. The usual weeping, crying and screaming showed up, alongside their good friend - suicidal thoughts. I recalled all the pain I've ever felt and all the pain others 've felt.  I become the pain itself. I allow myself to be hopeless and desperate.  No enlightenment, no nirvana, no place to be, no heaven, no baby Jesus, no light, no future, no hope, no way out. No way of being normal or alright ever again. I got nothing to grasp, no one can help me now. I dive into insanity and dive into death.

The comfy illusions got turned off and reality just showed up. I never noticed how many filters I've had over reality and seeing through them was scary. I was attached to those labels. I based everything off of them,but it didn't help, they fell away anyway. The last thought I had before finally going to sleep was: My life is over.

And was I right! It's a really strange place I find myself in now. Emotional pain disappeared all of a sudden. I allow whatever comes without attaching my story to it. There is no striving. There is no comparison. There is no worry. There are no more questions.  No need to understand anything. There are no desires. No purpose, no meaning, no value, no interest. The notion of goals and prefrences do not make sense anymore. Any thought that says I have any influence over reality creates laughter. I surrender to what is, because it's perfect. There is no pressure to be somebody. What a relief!


I'm no one and I love it.
I don't know anything and I love it.
I'm not important at all and I love it.
If all my fears came true i'd be just fine. That'd be perfect. 
My limited existence is perfect.
Nothing got resolved and that's perfect.










 

 

 

 

 

[Rinne]

Thanks for sharing. 

Are you enlightened?

[Danielle]

The seeking and the seeker are gone if that's what you mean. And there is no longer Danielle here to become enlightened, that whole idea is hilarious now 

[Rinne]

Wow crazy how the other day it was Danielle replying to my message and now its... hilarious idea replying to my message  . Good job!! The world is yours!!

[Danielle]

I'm done. It's been 3 days since it happened, or to be more precise - nothing happened. I feel like a newborn. Everything looks the same, but has a different quality, it's perceived from a different place. I had all the wrong ideas about enlightenment. I idealized it too much, I thought it'd be like all the mystical states I've had, but that's not true. It's just true perception, that's all. Nothing can be gained from it or lost from it. It also doesn't change anything, since it's always been that way, but it changes everything because one's life is finally put into proper perspective. 

At first I couldn't believe it was happening, but it was so obviously true. Where did all my suffering go? Where did all my fears go? Where did my identity go? Where did the spiritual seeker go? Anger, boredom, loneliness? Turns out that ALL of it were fictions of the mind, never had any reality in the first place. Yesterday I read some entries from my journal and it all seems like a distant memory, even though I was suffering so badly just a week ago. All I can see now are delusions on top of delusions, all imaginary, all self inflicted. Ego loves to suffer, loves to struggle, loves to be in conflict, it's what keeps it alive . Ego is created and maintained through huge, constant effort. That's what blew my mind. The awakened state isn't extraordinary, the egoic paradigm is. That delusion is a piece of art, a masterpiece!

The distinction between life and death is gone, I saw I just made it up.

The distinction between external and interal is gone. It was a belief I adopted.

The distinction between me and other is gone, ofcourse being a fantasy.

This awakening build over the years. This tension build over years just to be destroyed. It couldn't be any other way for me. 
The best thing that could happen to a self is no self. Nothing can get to that which I am. I am completely untouchable, unborn, undying, Mu, Brahman, Kim Jong Un  etc. 

This 'life' is so complete and so perfect beyond imagination. Any idea of a lack is a fantasy. I'm still getting used to this new way of being. And yeah, I feel peaceful all the time, gurus were right about that. There is clearity and a simple, effortless flow. As a side effect there is also a calling for serving others, wanting to love and help them without an agenda. Even though this awakening was so complete and perfect,I know there's deeper to go. In many ways I'm done, but I'm also just beginning. SDS effects are over and post awakening Sadhana begins. 

 

 

[Shin]

11 hours ago, Danielle said:

I'm done. It's been 3 days since it happened, or to be more precise - nothing happened. I feel like a newborn. Everything looks the same, but has a different quality, it's perceived from a different place. I had all the wrong ideas about enlightenment. I idealized it too much, I thought it'd be like all the mystical states I've had, but that's not true. It's just true perception, that's all. Nothing can be gained from it or lost from it. It also doesn't change anything, since it's always been that way, but it changes everything because one's life is finally put into proper perspective. 

At first I couldn't believe it was happening, but it was so obviously true. Where did all my suffering go? Where did all my fears go? Where did my identity go? Where did the spiritual seeker go? Anger, boredom, loneliness? Turns out that ALL of it were fictions of the mind, never had any reality in the first place. Yesterday I read some entries from my journal and it all seems like a distant memory, even though I was suffering so badly just a week ago. All I can see now are delusions on top of delusions, all imaginary, all self inflicted. Ego loves to suffer, loves to struggle, loves to be in conflict, it's what keeps it alive . Ego is created and maintained through huge, constant effort. That's what blew my mind. The awakened state isn't extraordinary, the egoic paradigm is. That delusion is a piece of art, a masterpiece!

The distinction between life and death is gone, I saw I just made it up.

The distinction between external and interal is gone. It was a belief I adopted.

The distinction between me and other is gone, ofcourse being a fantasy.

This awakening build over the years. This tension build over years just to be destroyed. It couldn't be any other way for me. 
The best thing that could happen to a self is no self. Nothing can get to that which I am. I am completely untouchable, unborn, undying, Mu, Brahman, Kim Jong Un  etc. 

This 'life' is so complete and so perfect beyond imagination. Any idea of a lack is a fantasy. I'm still getting used to this new way of being. And yeah, I feel peaceful all the time, gurus were right about that. There is clearity and a simple, effortless flow. As a side effect there is also a calling for serving others, wanting to love and help them without an agenda. Even though this awakening was so complete and perfect,I know there's deeper to go. In many ways I'm done, but I'm also just beginning. SDS effects are over and post awakening Sadhana begins. 

 

 

 

Meticulously re reading this journal ... 

 

Edited March 5, 2018 by Shin

[Danielle]

@Shin All of them besides the last 2 posts were written within the dream. I'll probably write more about where I was wrong as a seeker 

[Rinne]

Hey @Danielle how long have you been doing SDS for? How many hours of SDS do you think you done?